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Dealing with anxiety, depression and break up? Advice please


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I am going through quite a lot and have posted on here before. Most responses are insightful and have helped me.

 

I feel however I am struggling mentally, while seeking help from my GP, anti depressants are not something I want to go back on to.

 

I went through a difficult break up and it has effected me after more than I thought. Right now I’m struggling to eat and be social and I have really cut myself off. As a result my work and relationships with family and friends are suffering. I have become majorly withdrawn and I feel like I can’t get myself back on track. No matter how much I try.

 

Has anyone got any coping methods for this? I feel so helpless right now. The anxiety of being alone and also somewhat still in the stage of missing my ex, who is no good for me, is hindering my recovery.

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When my head is full of anxiety and stress from my life, I go running. You won't believe how much better you will feel when you get yourself out there...just you and the road....some like putting the tunes on, I just like concentrating on my breathing. You will sleep a lot better too which helps heaps with stress.

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How long has it been since your breakup? A lot of people go through a period like this when a relationship ends. As long as it doesn't last a lot longer than a month or two, to a certain degree, it's waiting out that initial emotional grief experience.

 

My best advice would be to put as much energy into your health as you can manage. Start small. Text one friend just to talk. Eat a small meal twice a day. You don't have to be totally okay right now, but you do have a responsibility to care for yourself and to reach out for help if you need it.

 

When I go through a breakup, I find it helpful to engage in what I think of as "guilty" pleasures. Reading smut or watching a goofy show, eating a food I really like, being selfish in some way. I know when you're feeling depressed, anxious, and hopeless that it is genuinely a challenge to engage. Just remember that you haven't always felt this way, you've made it through challenges and likely breakups before, and that things will get better.

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It’s has been nearly 2 weeks. It was a difficult relationship as he was a narcissist.

 

Thanks for your advice I have been trying to build up an appetite and understand I’m okay on my own. I think I built up some form of co dependency which I’m trying to break the cycle of

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I've just learned to accept that the discomfort and anxiety is just part of the process.

It doesn't make it go away, but I think trying to wrestle with it makes it worse. Accepting that it's normal, at a time when everything feels otherwise is helpful too.

 

I agree with reinvent. It's important to allow yourself to feel your pain, your anger and whatever other emotions you're feeling (versus burying or suppressing them), as uncomfortable and painful as they are.

 

Allow them to rise to the surface to be released, forever. Cry, scream, run a hundred miles, punch a bag at the gym, whatever you need to do.

 

I used to write letters expressing all my anger and pain, but never send them, it's quite cathartic and helped me a lot.

 

Chloe, time is your best friend right now. You will move past this eventually, I promise you!! And you will become stronger for having experienced it, I promise you that too.

 

Lastly, try and refrain from labeling your ex a narcissist or any other derogatory name, this is not helpful to your healing.

 

I am not saying this to make you feel worse, but you were the one who willingly chose to get involved with him again, KNOWING how destructive he was to your mental and emotional health and well being, so it's super important to take some responsibility for that, learn and grow from it.

 

I am sorry you're hurting, we've all been there, I certainly have.

 

Continue posting here for support and strength, this forum has been a godsend to me.

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It’s has been nearly 2 weeks. It was a difficult relationship as he was a narcissist.

 

Thanks for your advice I have been trying to build up an appetite and understand I’m okay on my own. I think I built up some form of co dependency which I’m trying to break the cycle of

 

Oh, if he was a narcissist (or gave you a reason to believe he fell into this general personality category) than my guess is he criticized you and at least some of your interests regularly. Another suggestion I have is to do an activity, engage in an interest, or wear that outfit/hairstyle he insulted/made you feel ashamed of indirectly. It's empowering to reclaim your identity outside of his opinions and cruel behavior.

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After doing much intense research on this personality, he absolutely was. I just was not educated on such behaviour before and I myself an empath. It happened regularly, I’ve had my confidence completely knocked when I used to be so self assured and relatively happy with myself. Thank you for your response. I need to try and find the girl I used to be before I met him

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Since going through all of this, I’ve actually done much research into the behaviours of them, and it’s completely accurate. I had my friends telling me it all along, I just used to make excuses for his behaviour.

 

I agree with the time statement. I guess because I’m so low right now, I feel like when will this rock bottom feeling end. It’s tore my confidence apart and I just feel completely overwhelmed. I hate feeling this way. It’s not who I am which is distressing me more, I feel so out of control with my feelings and life.

 

I think that’s partly why I’m stressing so much and scared. Because I’ve never really felt ‘out of control’ of my feelings and mental well being this much in my life.

 

But yes you are right, I did go back to him. I’m now learning the hard lesson of giving people second and third chances I should never have. I just didn’t expect it to be this difficult in the after math.

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Ok, perhaps he is a narcissist, so what? How is that going to help with your healing?

 

HE should not be the focus in any way, shape or form.

 

And by making him the focus, even a little, spending precious time researching his nature, his dysfunction, his psychopathy, you are still giving him too much power over your life, and all that's doing is keeping you stuck, and hindering your healing.

 

I've been there Chloe, and I know this to be true.

 

Continue to focus only on yourself and why the hell you ever got involved with him, and more importantly why you chose to remain with him, go traveling with him, when you knew what bad news he was.

 

That would be much more productive to your healing than making him the focus and labeling him a narcissist or sociopath, or whatever pathology he suffers from.

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Ok, perhaps he is a narcissist, so what? How is that going to help with your healing?

 

HE should not be the focus in any way, shape or form.

 

And by making him the focus, even a little, spending precious time researching his nature, his dysfunction, his psychopathy, you are still giving him too much power over your life, and all that's doing is keeping you stuck, and hindering your healing.

 

It's also a sneaky way of staying attached to him.

Consider everything precious energy right now. Why waste it on trying to decode someone else's behavior?

That energy can be better used taking care of yourself.

Hang in there.

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I do agree Katrina. But it has helped me personally to finally acknowledge that his behaviour was NOT okay, and this was a big bigggg step for me. As I always bypassing the red flags and making excuses.

 

It’s like I had an awakening after actually looking into everything my friends told me to early on in the relationship.

 

I have made a vow to myself over these last few days that I am only putting energy into myself and my healing. It’s just taking longer than I had hoped. I know I can’t rush this, I just wish my mental health hadn’t taken such a bartering, as I’ve really let myself go and let everything suffer as a result.

 

I have people worrying about me and I hate that I’ve allowed this burden to be created, but I guess I can’t rush this healing process.

 

I am coming to terms with it’s okay not to be okay, though it’s taking a while.

 

You have been most helpful through this and I do always appreciate your thorough responses.

 

I’m also sorry to hear you’ve been through similar, as I wouldn’t wish this hurt or mental torture on anyone.

 

The no contact I have stuck by has given me somewhat the power I needed. I have completely stuck to this for now nearly 2 weeks. No contact wasn’t too difficult, as I started to withdraw anyway. But it really does help as I feel I am getting there in terms of a little control back.

 

I just can’t wait to get back to myself again :(

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You are completely right. I don’t want to waste anymore energy on him. I’m just in this battle with my head of coming to terms with being ok alone.

 

I think it’s that fact which is making me realise I was holding on to someone who was not good for me. Partially because I hate being alone. I am learning right now the hard way that’s it’s okay to be alone. Do dependency is a bad trait to pick up but I’m determined to fight this.

 

Thank you for your response again x

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You are completely right. I don’t want to waste anymore energy on him. I’m just in this battle with my head of coming to terms with being ok alone.

 

I think it’s that fact which is making me realise I was holding on to someone who was not good for me. Partially because I hate being alone. I am learning right now the hard way that’s it’s okay to be alone. Do dependency is a bad trait to pick up but I’m determined to fight this.

 

Let that be goal for you. To get comfortable being on your own.

 

Once you do you make better choices in partners. You'll say no to poor choices and incompatible men because you trust that you are perfectly capable of being on your own and you also believe you deserve better.

 

Maybe there is a gift in all of this. Something to consider.

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Chloe, if he comes back at a later time attempting to pull you back in, which he has succeeded in doing on two separate occasions (that I know of) are you prepared for that?

 

Do you think you're strong enough now to resist his "charms"?

 

He's gone now so you have no choice but to move on, which you're trying to do. But these addictive types of relationships are hell to kick especially when they keep returning periodically.

 

It really messes with your head. This constant push/pull.

 

So was just asking if you thought you were emotionally prepared for if/when that happens.

 

Just my opinion, but I think it would be smart if you blocked him from everything WhatsApp, Insta, everything.

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Just my opinion, but I think it would be smart if you blocked him from everything WhatsApp, Insta, everything.

 

Seconding this opinion.

 

Wouldn't be surprised if you're still in touch a bit, be it over WhatsApp or just watching him watch your stories. No judgement. It's a process. But given how much this has all thrown you, I'd be battening down the hatches so you can sturdy without spinning out when you see his name pop up in Instagram or on WhatsApp—which I can just about promise you it will, if it hasn't already.

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I was very much in your shoes for about 5+ years in my 20s. I went through two highly toxic relationships (I chose them, one was with a guy who dragged me through nearly 4 years of confusion and heartbreak + instability before we finally broke up, the second was with a pathological liar and sociopath whom I found out later had multiple girlfriends. If you're curious about those, I invite you to read my previous threads. I was in a very dark place while sifting through those heartaches.) I also experienced the death of a very close family member around the time of the first breakup.

 

At that point, I had been depressed for a long time without properly dealing with it, and I began having round-the-clock panic attacks. I was living in NYC at the time and could barely function on a subway car because I knew I couldn't escape easily if I had another one. I lived in torture for about three months of this before I finally sought the help that saved me. I had been surviving on Xanax to get through the tough moments, which led to MORE depression (Xanax always put me in a serious funk the day after taking it), and the need for even higher doses and inability to cope without it. So, I decided no meds for me and I took the following steps:

 

1. I blocked my ex on literally every platform. He had no way of reaching me be it via email, text, WhatsApp, Instagram, linkedin, facebook, or anywhere else. I ensured that I could not be tempted into writing him or reading a single message from him ever again.

 

2. I sought the help of a very good therapist, making clear that I did not want to be prescribed any meds. I was in rough shape at that time but I had faith in my ability to overcome this. She worked with me using cognitive behavioural therapy and she was worth every penny I spent on her. I still use some of the tools she taught me to this day in controlling nerves and anxiety. Working with her did not cure my panic attacks at first, but it began to lay the groundwork of how to do so, and explained to me why they were happening to begin with (working out memories of emotional abuse from my father growing up, deep rooted feelings of inadequacy triggered by the harsh rejection I faced, feeling of no control and the obsessive need for it when my cousin died, and so on.)

 

3. Hypnotherapy: this was the turning point on my anxiety. I found a hypnotherapist who came highly recommended by friends of mine who'd seen him for performance anxiety (we were all musicians living in NYC at the time). My first session with him, I was having a continual panic attack - my hands were numb, I couldn't control my heartbeat and I was very close to going to the emergency room. Hypnosis works because once you surrender to the moment and "sleep," the hypnotist is speaking directly to your subconscious. This means that you can begin re-wiring subconscious beliefs and reactions that have been there for years - sometimes your whole life. After the first session with him, I felt so much relief that I sobbed on his couch for about an hour, floated home feeling better than I had in years and slept for 14 hours. I went back to him every two weeks for a few months after, and played sleep hypnosis recordings for myself while I slept at night.

 

I have never had a panic attack since that first session. I used to not even be able to fly in a plane due to this affliction, and I've since moved to Europe and have to fly constantly - with not even a shred of the same feelings. Because once you identify that anxiety and depression are in your mind, and they don't control you, you can begin to separate from them and peer at them through the glass rather than feel them swallow you whole.

 

4. I worked with a nutritionist to take control of my diet, sleep and exercise. I knew that a lot of my emotional responses were hormonal in nature and/or diet related. I started running regularly, stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol entirely (I quit drinking 100% while doing the hard work at the forefront of all this until I felt a little bit more stable), adopted meditation and yoga as a daily practice, and watched what I was eating. I, too, would lose my appetite when anxiety hit, creating a vicious spiral wherein I was depleted all the time and lacking the nutrients I needed to be strong and sufficient and focused. Once I began looking at my diet as literal brain/mood-food, I thought of it as the medicine I needed to get through the hard moments.

 

5. Even when I was having a bad day, I said yes to outings with friends. I was mindful of the location - crowded, hectic bar scene was a no, but if it was just getting together at someone's home I went, even if I felt horrible. This is something that worked for me, because it got my mind on something other than my ex, my cousin, or myself. If someone I knew was performing somewhere, I went and attended and supported them. If someone I knew was having a celebration of something in their life, I went, supported them, and reminded myself that life is filled with good times and bad. I strengthened these relationships as a result, and that helped me to feel very supported in return - which kept a lot of my anxieties and depression at bay. I am an introvert by nature and when I go through hard times, my inclination is to retreat. Fighting this impulse showed me that I was capable of doing things I didn't think I was. It sounds counter-intuitive, but this helped so much.

 

So I hope this helps in some way- it truly is the full write up of what I did. The end result was that, although I still feel anxious at times, I never panic and I have control over it. Although I certainly have times where I feel depressed, I take care of it and talk to someone as soon as it seems to be escalating. Once I worked through the darkest years of this, I felt strong enough to make the biggest step of my life and move to Europe, tackle my dreams and ultimately found my husband and recently had our baby girl. Life is funny in how it steers you. Some of us need a gentle nudge while the rest of us may need a hurricane to push us to our goals. I hope you can draw some comfort and support from this.

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Chloe, if he comes back at a later time attempting to pull you back in, which he has succeeded in doing on two separate occasions (that I know of) are you prepared for that?

 

Do you think you're strong enough now to resist his "charms"?

 

He's gone now so you have no choice but to move on, which you're trying to do. But these addictive types of relationships are hell to kick especially when they keep returning periodically.

 

It really messes with your head. This constant push/pull.

 

So was just asking if you thought you were emotionally prepared for if/when that happens.

 

Just my opinion, but I think it would be smart if you blocked him from everything WhatsApp, Insta, everything.

 

Hi Chloe, do you think you could answer this^? I have been in your shoes and I am actually a bit nervous for you, my gut tells me you would go back.

 

I think you are addicted to him, he is your "drug" of choice.

 

And the way you feel now, the extreme anxiety, loss of appetite, depression, etc. is you experiencing withdrawal.

 

Love addiction is very real and a tough addiction to kick!

 

Perhaps even more so than an actual drug as it involves your emotions, which can keep you stuck and hooked in for a long time.

 

Anyway, please keep reaching out to us for strength and support!! And hope you're doing ok!

 

Hugs

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Thank you so much for your detailed response.

 

I’ve been playing with the idea of therapy, though some of the London prices for good therapists here are extremely high. And I haven’t a clue how many sessions I would need. I take it this is something you and the therapist determine though?

 

Hypnosis also seems like something I would be absolutely willing to try at this point. I’ve only just accepted the fact I’m not strong enough to beat this state on my own.

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Hi Katrina, I appreciate that so much. It’s actually rather comforting to know that others genuinely care and want to help.

 

Apologies for the late reply. I’ve had a bit of a difficult day today and spent most of it in my head.

 

I know it has happened before with him pulling me back, but this time there is no way. This is the longest we have gone without speaking, which I am actually quite proud of nearing the two week mark. I have blocked the Instagram, which was a big first step for me.

 

My friends haven’t been too helpful as they have updated me on things like who he is following etc, I told them I don’t need or want to know this.

 

I still feel weak in terms of my emotional being, but absolutely not weak enough to ever be drawn back in. He made his feelings clear the day we after we got back. I also have been thinking and thought anybody who could or did love me, wouldn’t have put me through the bad times he did.

 

It’s such a struggle because there is a tiny part of me that misses, I’m not sure if it’s him or having someone there, so that is my main battle right now.

 

I feel angry and weak because after 2 weeks I expected to feel stronger or better, and I just don’t. I know I seriously need a therapist, I also need the confidence to get out there and find one and speak.

 

I couldn’t ever put myself through this again, so in terms of going back, I just couldn’t allow it. I am so fragile right now but not fragile enough to go back. Thank you so much I feel some relief every time I post on here and communicate without full judgement. That’s kind of what my friends and family have been doing, so I feel very isolated right now.

 

They all know I am going through a hard time but I’m met with comments from my mother which is ‘this isn’t the end, I guarantee you’ll go bsck’ Which really isn’t helping me as I feel like I’m fighting this on my own against not just him but everyone else I love!

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Could I also ask how to access your old threads regarding those relationships? I’m so so sorry you went through all of that twice.

 

I would be keen however to read about this as it seems like you’re in a much better place now and I’m really glad to hear that the above methods worked for you.

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Hi Chloe, I'm really sorry to hear yesterday was a difficult day for you. I haven't seen your other threads so I don't know how long you were in this relationship? In my experience 2 weeks is just not enough time to completely heal when your heart was involved. I get that he wasn't good for you, and I'm proud of you for being strong about staying away from him, but don't be too hard on yourself for still hurting. It sounds like a lot of your angst is coming from beating yourself up for not being healed yet.

 

I also think you're smart to realize you can't deal with this alone. Do you believe in a higher power? When I went through similar issues, my relationship with God is the only thing that got me through some days.

 

Anyway, 2 weeks is not 2 months, and I hope you won't be angry at yourself for needing time. You're a lovely person and you're doing better than you think.

 

I hope today is a little better than yesterday was, and I hope tomorrow is a little better than today!

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