Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 29

Thread: Dealing with anxiety, depression and break up? Advice please

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,326
    Ok, perhaps he is a narcissist, so what? How is that going to help with your healing?

    HE should not be the focus in any way, shape or form.

    And by making him the focus, even a little, spending precious time researching his nature, his dysfunction, his psychopathy, you are still giving him too much power over your life, and all that's doing is keeping you stuck, and hindering your healing.

    I've been there Chloe, and I know this to be true.

    Continue to focus only on yourself and why the hell you ever got involved with him, and more importantly why you chose to remain with him, go traveling with him, when you knew what bad news he was.

    That would be much more productive to your healing than making him the focus and labeling him a narcissist or sociopath, or whatever pathology he suffers from.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-09-2019 at 03:35 PM.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,873
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Ok, perhaps he is a narcissist, so what? How is that going to help with your healing?

    HE should not be the focus in any way, shape or form.

    And by making him the focus, even a little, spending precious time researching his nature, his dysfunction, his psychopathy, you are still giving him too much power over your life, and all that's doing is keeping you stuck, and hindering your healing.
    It's also a sneaky way of staying attached to him.
    Consider everything precious energy right now. Why waste it on trying to decode someone else's behavior?
    That energy can be better used taking care of yourself.
    Hang in there.

  3. #13
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    91
    I do agree Katrina. But it has helped me personally to finally acknowledge that his behaviour was NOT okay, and this was a big bigggg step for me. As I always bypassing the red flags and making excuses.

    Itís like I had an awakening after actually looking into everything my friends told me to early on in the relationship.

    I have made a vow to myself over these last few days that I am only putting energy into myself and my healing. Itís just taking longer than I had hoped. I know I canít rush this, I just wish my mental health hadnít taken such a bartering, as Iíve really let myself go and let everything suffer as a result.

    I have people worrying about me and I hate that Iíve allowed this burden to be created, but I guess I canít rush this healing process.

    I am coming to terms with itís okay not to be okay, though itís taking a while.

    You have been most helpful through this and I do always appreciate your thorough responses.

    Iím also sorry to hear youíve been through similar, as I wouldnít wish this hurt or mental torture on anyone.

    The no contact I have stuck by has given me somewhat the power I needed. I have completely stuck to this for now nearly 2 weeks. No contact wasnít too difficult, as I started to withdraw anyway. But it really does help as I feel I am getting there in terms of a little control back.

    I just canít wait to get back to myself again :(

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    91
    You are completely right. I donít want to waste anymore energy on him. Iím just in this battle with my head of coming to terms with being ok alone.

    I think itís that fact which is making me realise I was holding on to someone who was not good for me. Partially because I hate being alone. I am learning right now the hard way thatís itís okay to be alone. Do dependency is a bad trait to pick up but Iím determined to fight this.

    Thank you for your response again x

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,873
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Chloej123
    You are completely right. I donít want to waste anymore energy on him. Iím just in this battle with my head of coming to terms with being ok alone.

    I think itís that fact which is making me realise I was holding on to someone who was not good for me. Partially because I hate being alone. I am learning right now the hard way thatís itís okay to be alone. Do dependency is a bad trait to pick up but Iím determined to fight this.
    Let that be goal for you. To get comfortable being on your own.

    Once you do you make better choices in partners. You'll say no to poor choices and incompatible men because you trust that you are perfectly capable of being on your own and you also believe you deserve better.

    Maybe there is a gift in all of this. Something to consider.

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    91
    Thank you. Thatís actually a very good take on this. I am trying to turn this into a, eventually, positive, learning curve.

    I couldnít put myself through this again. But then again I guess we never see the bad initially !

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,326
    Chloe, if he comes back at a later time attempting to pull you back in, which he has succeeded in doing on two separate occasions (that I know of) are you prepared for that?

    Do you think you're strong enough now to resist his "charms"?

    He's gone now so you have no choice but to move on, which you're trying to do. But these addictive types of relationships are hell to kick especially when they keep returning periodically.

    It really messes with your head. This constant push/pull.

    So was just asking if you thought you were emotionally prepared for if/when that happens.

    Just my opinion, but I think it would be smart if you blocked him from everything WhatsApp, Insta, everything.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,361
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Just my opinion, but I think it would be smart if you blocked him from everything WhatsApp, Insta, everything.
    Seconding this opinion.

    Wouldn't be surprised if you're still in touch a bit, be it over WhatsApp or just watching him watch your stories. No judgement. It's a process. But given how much this has all thrown you, I'd be battening down the hatches so you can sturdy without spinning out when you see his name pop up in Instagram or on WhatsAppówhich I can just about promise you it will, if it hasn't already.

  10. #19
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Europe
    Age
    34
    Posts
    961
    Gender
    Female
    I was very much in your shoes for about 5+ years in my 20s. I went through two highly toxic relationships (I chose them, one was with a guy who dragged me through nearly 4 years of confusion and heartbreak + instability before we finally broke up, the second was with a pathological liar and sociopath whom I found out later had multiple girlfriends. If you're curious about those, I invite you to read my previous threads. I was in a very dark place while sifting through those heartaches.) I also experienced the death of a very close family member around the time of the first breakup.

    At that point, I had been depressed for a long time without properly dealing with it, and I began having round-the-clock panic attacks. I was living in NYC at the time and could barely function on a subway car because I knew I couldn't escape easily if I had another one. I lived in torture for about three months of this before I finally sought the help that saved me. I had been surviving on Xanax to get through the tough moments, which led to MORE depression (Xanax always put me in a serious funk the day after taking it), and the need for even higher doses and inability to cope without it. So, I decided no meds for me and I took the following steps:

    1. I blocked my ex on literally every platform. He had no way of reaching me be it via email, text, WhatsApp, Instagram, linkedin, facebook, or anywhere else. I ensured that I could not be tempted into writing him or reading a single message from him ever again.

    2. I sought the help of a very good therapist, making clear that I did not want to be prescribed any meds. I was in rough shape at that time but I had faith in my ability to overcome this. She worked with me using cognitive behavioural therapy and she was worth every penny I spent on her. I still use some of the tools she taught me to this day in controlling nerves and anxiety. Working with her did not cure my panic attacks at first, but it began to lay the groundwork of how to do so, and explained to me why they were happening to begin with (working out memories of emotional abuse from my father growing up, deep rooted feelings of inadequacy triggered by the harsh rejection I faced, feeling of no control and the obsessive need for it when my cousin died, and so on.)

    3. Hypnotherapy: this was the turning point on my anxiety. I found a hypnotherapist who came highly recommended by friends of mine who'd seen him for performance anxiety (we were all musicians living in NYC at the time). My first session with him, I was having a continual panic attack - my hands were numb, I couldn't control my heartbeat and I was very close to going to the emergency room. Hypnosis works because once you surrender to the moment and "sleep," the hypnotist is speaking directly to your subconscious. This means that you can begin re-wiring subconscious beliefs and reactions that have been there for years - sometimes your whole life. After the first session with him, I felt so much relief that I sobbed on his couch for about an hour, floated home feeling better than I had in years and slept for 14 hours. I went back to him every two weeks for a few months after, and played sleep hypnosis recordings for myself while I slept at night.

    I have never had a panic attack since that first session. I used to not even be able to fly in a plane due to this affliction, and I've since moved to Europe and have to fly constantly - with not even a shred of the same feelings. Because once you identify that anxiety and depression are in your mind, and they don't control you, you can begin to separate from them and peer at them through the glass rather than feel them swallow you whole.

    4. I worked with a nutritionist to take control of my diet, sleep and exercise. I knew that a lot of my emotional responses were hormonal in nature and/or diet related. I started running regularly, stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol entirely (I quit drinking 100% while doing the hard work at the forefront of all this until I felt a little bit more stable), adopted meditation and yoga as a daily practice, and watched what I was eating. I, too, would lose my appetite when anxiety hit, creating a vicious spiral wherein I was depleted all the time and lacking the nutrients I needed to be strong and sufficient and focused. Once I began looking at my diet as literal brain/mood-food, I thought of it as the medicine I needed to get through the hard moments.

    5. Even when I was having a bad day, I said yes to outings with friends. I was mindful of the location - crowded, hectic bar scene was a no, but if it was just getting together at someone's home I went, even if I felt horrible. This is something that worked for me, because it got my mind on something other than my ex, my cousin, or myself. If someone I knew was performing somewhere, I went and attended and supported them. If someone I knew was having a celebration of something in their life, I went, supported them, and reminded myself that life is filled with good times and bad. I strengthened these relationships as a result, and that helped me to feel very supported in return - which kept a lot of my anxieties and depression at bay. I am an introvert by nature and when I go through hard times, my inclination is to retreat. Fighting this impulse showed me that I was capable of doing things I didn't think I was. It sounds counter-intuitive, but this helped so much.

    So I hope this helps in some way- it truly is the full write up of what I did. The end result was that, although I still feel anxious at times, I never panic and I have control over it. Although I certainly have times where I feel depressed, I take care of it and talk to someone as soon as it seems to be escalating. Once I worked through the darkest years of this, I felt strong enough to make the biggest step of my life and move to Europe, tackle my dreams and ultimately found my husband and recently had our baby girl. Life is funny in how it steers you. Some of us need a gentle nudge while the rest of us may need a hurricane to push us to our goals. I hope you can draw some comfort and support from this.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,326
    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Chloe, if he comes back at a later time attempting to pull you back in, which he has succeeded in doing on two separate occasions (that I know of) are you prepared for that?

    Do you think you're strong enough now to resist his "charms"?

    He's gone now so you have no choice but to move on, which you're trying to do. But these addictive types of relationships are hell to kick especially when they keep returning periodically.

    It really messes with your head. This constant push/pull.

    So was just asking if you thought you were emotionally prepared for if/when that happens.

    Just my opinion, but I think it would be smart if you blocked him from everything WhatsApp, Insta, everything.
    Hi Chloe, do you think you could answer this^? I have been in your shoes and I am actually a bit nervous for you, my gut tells me you would go back.

    I think you are addicted to him, he is your "drug" of choice.

    And the way you feel now, the extreme anxiety, loss of appetite, depression, etc. is you experiencing withdrawal.

    Love addiction is very real and a tough addiction to kick!

    Perhaps even more so than an actual drug as it involves your emotions, which can keep you stuck and hooked in for a long time.

    Anyway, please keep reaching out to us for strength and support!! And hope you're doing ok!

    Hugs
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-10-2019 at 02:56 PM.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •