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Thread: How much space do I give my boyfriend after an argument concerning marriage?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    This fear of being alone and hopping in relationships to fill a void should be addressed before thinking of marrying anyone.
    Just my opinion.

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    This fear of being alone and hopping in relationships to fill a void should be addressed before thinking of marrying anyone.
    Just my opinion.
    I agree completely. If we break up I plan on being single for a long time.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    This fear of being alone and hopping in relationships to fill a void should be addressed before thinking of marrying anyone.
    Just my opinion.
    Was going to say the same.

    I'm not marriage-minded—not for, not against—but for all the reasons to get married I don't think fear of being alone should be one of them. That puts an extraordinary amount of pressure on the partner and the marriage to do something that is, well, impossible to do: negate the fundamental loneliness that is at the core of being a human.

    Get cozy in that space—and it is a comfy one!—and you may find your connections, be it this one or another, are rooted in a deeper foundation, so when you ultimately say "I do" it is fully to a person, and a shared idea of life with that person, rather than to ward off loneliness or be less scared in your own skin.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I've dated for the wrong reasons in the past. The fear of being alone being the most obvious. I kinda went back and forth during different stages of my life. But being firmly on the other side, I can sense when a man is dating me for the wrong reason and it's really a turn off.

    I can think of someone just prior to meeting my boyfriend. I felt almost invisible, as if I could have been anybody, just a warm body in the chair. I was vertical and breathing, so I'll do.

    When I didn't date from a healthy place, I shudder wondering if my date felt the same way in my presence.
    I have the visual of that doll that you could unscrew their head and replace it with another.

    And if I were just to accept someone that was so hungry for an attachment, how easy would it be to take advantage of them? Because when you are that hungry, you aren't being very discriminating.

    Just thinking out loud and somethings to consider.
    In so many ways the fear of being alone is a fear of being with yourself.

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  6. #55
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    Originally Posted by felurian

    I guess I assumed our relationship had been growing and he was starting to see me in that way.
    OK, number one lesson to be learned moving forward, don't ever assume! Never, ever, EVER.

    If you want to know where someone stands, as directly. And pay attention to what they tell you versus telling yourself stories that jive with what you want to happen.

    I've done that! And it always backfired on me and kicked me right in the a$$.

  7. #56
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    I have a brief update.

    He called me and apologized for being stand offish. He wants to meet in person to discuss our next steps. I kept the conversation light, just because I was (am) too emotionally exhausted to address everything right now. When we do meet though, I want to be 100% honest with him about my desires and how I have been holding back in parts of our relationship. He ended the call saying he loves and misses me, I told him I feel the same because quite honestly, I do.

    I know I should not be looking for a partner to fill my lonliness. I know I said earlier being alone was what I feared, but I don't think I artciulated my problem as well as I could have. Believe it or not, I actually quite enjoy my solitude and space. (extremely introverted) I also just really love being in a relationship and having close friends, but I know I should not be looking for a partner to complete me. I think more than learning to be alone, I need to learn how to stand up for my values and tackle the anxiety and fear I have of being abandoned. I fear rejection more than anything, and its a fear that impacts not only my love life but also work and friendships.

    Here is an excerpt kind of explaining what I mean. Its really complex and stems from family drama that I lived through when I was kid. Like I said, I have had therapy for these issues, and I am a lot stronger now than I was then. But the anxiety I feel at the slightest hint of rejection is something that affects me to this day. (And I can only imagine is exhausting to deal with when trying to get close to me)

    The fear of abandonment is highly personalized. Some people are solely afraid of losing a romantic partner. Others fear suddenly finding themselves completely alone.
    [Register to see the link]
    Either way, no matter how you spell it out, until I can get a hold of that anxiety, I do not think I need to be in a relationship. Something I also hope to convey to my partner next time we meet. Praying now for strength and resolve to make the right decisions.

    **Sorry if im being confusing, explaining the trauma and specifics of my problems is very hard for me to do. Im generalizing here for simplicity sake.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Inhale, exhale...

    You're not being confusing in the least. You're quite articulate and aware—great qualities. When you say you want to be 100 percent honest, what does that look like? What do you feel you've been holding back?

  9. #58
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    Do you feel that marriage is more of a guarantee against rejection? So, sure it's harder to divorce than break up in general (you know, with exceptions) but as you probably know well you can feel or be rejected even if your partner stays with you. So he might marry you, reluctantly, but given your heightened sensitivities you might read into very minor stuff as "signs" that he doesn't want to be with you especially if you feel you had to "convince" him to marry you.

    I agree with BC that you expressed yourself in this last post in a very articulate and self-aware way.

  10. #59
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    The primary reason I divorced my husband was because he rejected me during our marriage. He rejected my offers of companionship, he rejected my offers of assistance in his daily life and he rejected me sexually. I felt like I was married to someone who didn't even LIKE me, let alone love me. In fact, he admitted as much when I asked him.

    So no, marrying someone does not guarantee they will not reject you. Particularly if they married you under duress.

  11. #60
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    The primary reason I divorced my husband was because he rejected me during our marriage. He rejected my offers of companionship, he rejected my offers of assistance in his daily life and he rejected me sexually. I felt like I was married to someone who didn't even LIKE me, let alone love me. In fact, he admitted as much when I asked him.

    So no, marrying someone does not guarantee they will not reject you.
    I am sorry you had to experience that bolt, I cannot even imagine.

    My late dad used to express the same thing to me - he said he felt more alone in his marriage to my mom, than he would have had he actually been single and alone. As she was always rejecting him too, silent treatment (just like she did with me), withdrawing in other ways.

    For a long time, she refused to have sex with him, I was just a young girl but I always wondered why there were only two single beds in their bedroom.

    He shared all this with me after their divorce as a warning to be very very careful about who I choose to marry, as he did not want me experiencing what he did.

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