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Thread: How much space do I give my boyfriend after an argument concerning marriage?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Big mistake. You havn't even moved in together to see if he's the one. Why are you so focused on marriage? You should have taken the time to get to know him fully before ever bringing up that subject.

    He probably just feels like your now trying to trap him by living together with the expectation that marriage should be at the end of it.

  2. #42
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    Big mistake. You havn't even moved in together to see if he's the one. Why are you so focused on marriage? You should have taken the time to get to know him fully before ever bringing up that subject.

    He probably just feels like your now trying to trap him by living together with the expectation that marriage should be at the end of it.
    I would imagine being in a committed relationship for three years would be sufficient time to "know him".

    That doesn't mean people aren't capable of choosing to overlook, disregard or ignore what they don't want to believe or accept.

    Lots of people are focused on marriage. It's a pretty common goal!

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    Big mistake. You havn't even moved in together to see if he's the one. Why are you so focused on marriage? You should have taken the time to get to know him fully before ever bringing up that subject.

    He probably just feels like your now trying to trap him by living together with the expectation that marriage should be at the end of it.
    Have you been reading the thread? I was reluctant to move in with him because I would rather know before moving in with man that he is considering marriage. I have no desire to trap anyone, I just value that sort of commitment. We have been dating for 3 years, I know him fairly well. Iíve known his stance on marriage for a while too. (Well vaguely he has quite honestly given me the run around)

    It was my mistake entirely for thinking that I could wait it out. Or that if I showed him how patient I was he would reconsider.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    Have you been reading the thread? I was reluctant to move in with him because I would rather know before moving in with man that he is considering marriage. I have no desire to trap anyone, I just value that sort of commitment. We have been dating for 3 years, I know him fairly well. Iíve known his stance on marriage for a while too.

    It was my mistake entirely for thinking that I could wait it out. Or that if I showed him how patient I was he would reconsider.
    But that is the trap right there.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    But that is the trap right there.
    I respect your viewpoint. *shrug*

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    But that is the trap right there.
    How is that a trap??? He can say no.

    Plenty of men want to get married. It's not just women.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    But that is the trap right there.
    "Yes if we move in together and that works out, after about 2 years, marriage is something I am definitely considering and looking forward to" is not a trap.

    I bring up marriage with women I go out on dates with after a couple dates. Not directly obviously, but things like, "what are your thoughts on marriage" "how long would you expect to date someone before you think you can see yourself marrying them".

    The trap (which they both sprung on each other in a way) was, let's keep dating and having fun and maybe they will [stop making marriage a core value/start making marriage a core value] at some later point.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Well OP really, if you've been dating him for 3 years and he's never been interested in marriage why would he suddenly be open to marriage if you move in together? Makes no sense to me.

    It sounds like you've always been ready for marriage but unfortunetley for you, you have wasted precious time on a guy who has never brought it up, and it's suddenly come to a head on that drunken fight night when you did not like what he had to say about it.

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by JaggerJim
    Well OP really, if you've been dating him for 3 years and he's never been interested in marriage why would he suddenly be open to marriage if you move in together? Makes no sense to me.

    It sounds like you've always been ready for marriage but unfortunetley for you, you have wasted precious time on a guy who has never brought it up, and it's suddenly come to a head on that drunken fight night when you did not like what he had to say about it.
    I guess I assumed our relationship had been growing and he was starting to see me in that way. Since our first argument about the topic, I thought we had learned to communicate better with one another. We have both gone through some rough experiences that brought us closer and lin general, having a blast with our relationship.

    But like Saluk said, maybe we werent growing closer in the ways we needed too. Just both of us side stepping the issue entirely and hoping we could change eachother's minds.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Personally if you can get past the fight, and he's still open to moving in together you'd have to ask yourself if you are willing to take the risk that you two may never get married.

    He now knows that marriage is your hearts desire and maybe he may ask you in the future unexpectedly one year. If you love him enough, does marriage even matter? He will never forget that this is important to you, but now you have to take the chance on life that he may or may never propose to you in the future. If you can't live with that gamble you probably should end it soon.

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