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Thread: How much space do I give my boyfriend after an argument concerning marriage?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Compromise is letting his ratty old chair stay, and getting a new couch.
    It's not compromising values, what you want out of life.
    Relationships aren't about giving yourself up.
    This is really important stuff.

    And it does seem you had trouble, out of fear of your dream not coming true with him, in being true to yourself.

    You know the deal now. He doesn't need to want to marry you to move in together. You don't have to agree it even understand. Just to accept it.
    Good luck.

  2. #32
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    felurian, you said you fear ending relationships, even unhealthy ones, because you have abandonment issues.

    Have you sought professional help for those issues so that they don't keep you stuck in dead end relationships with men who don't share your values and on completely different paths?

    If not, I strongly encouage you to do so.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Can you "push that desire aside" permanently?
    I have tried and I can't.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. he's manipulating you. He wants to play house, not a commitment. Stick to your values. Let him pout and whine all he wants. After three years all he is offering is a test drive, convenient sex, sharing bills and household stuff, not marriage, not engagement, not commitment.

    Never apologize for who you are or what's important to you. If his values differ and he usually just lives with a string of women, then he's not compatible with you or consistent with your values. Give him all the space he wants and do not kowtow to appease him or hang to him. Don't waste more years being strung along.
    Originally Posted by felurian
    I have always wanted to know that a relationship with my partner was at least building towards marriage before doing so. (I am Christian and these are simply my values, I know that they may not make the most sense in the present day, but they are something I have prayed heavily about and feel confident in).

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    I have tried and I can't.
    Well there's only one thing to do then, the only thing you can do.

    Whether you will or not, finding the strength to do it, is something only you can decide.

    But if you do choose to say, stop hassling him about it, causing arguments.

    You know where he stands, he is not leading you on, so continuing to even bring this up is completely unfair, imho.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    felurian, you said you fear ending relationships, even unhealthy ones, because you have abandonment issues.

    Have you sought professional help for those issues so that they don't keep you stuck in dead end relationships with men who don't share your values and on completely different paths?

    If not, I strongly encouage you to do so.
    I have been in and out of therapy since I was a young girl. I've managed to aquire a lot of good coping mechanisms for times I'm feeling anxious/overwhelmed, but I still struggle with ending relationships that arent right for me. There was only one time I was able to do it, and afterwards I immediatly jumped into another relationship.

    I have a strong fear of being alone and not good enough for any one person. While I have a lot of great stuff happening in my life right now (graduate assistant for my schools grad program, I'm taveling to Georgia to visit my family and friends soon, good health and all that jazz), when I am not in a relationship I feel utterly worthless. I know logically that's not the case. And I know love with someone who is more compatible with me is possible.

    Im just scared of starting over, having to share my past with someone new and to be quite honest, finding the time to date like I had when I was 21!

    A huge part of me just wants my bf to realize that our life together could be really great and that I love him tremeandously, despite him pushing me away and not wanting the same things. But I think you all are right in assuming this is not the right relationship for either of us, and that it needs to end. Especially if I can not give up my hope for marriage.

    We still havent spoken so I may have to be the one to inititate things...

  8. #37
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    Just wanted to say thank you all again for being so kind and sharing beautiful words of wisdom. I prayed this morning for inner strength and patience and you all have helped tremendously.

  9. #38
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    In my experience, having watched a few friends go through this - the guys that have to be persuaded into marriage are the guys who don't make good husbands.

    The same could be said for women who are talked into marriage too, I imagine. Or anyone making a big life decision without truly wanting it. When your heart isn't in it for the right reasons, the results tend to be less-than-stellar. Keep that in mind moving forward here.

  10. #39
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    My ex husband pressured me into marriage. His words were "either you agree to marry me right now or I'll break up with you and find someone who wants to be married." He didn't mean rush straight to the courthouse, but that I would agree to marry him. Right then.

    I had just turned 20 years old. I had been a teenager a week before! I didn't know what I wanted for lunch, let alone what I wanted forever! But I didn't want to lose him either. So I agreed to become engaged and then married him.


    Sixteen years and two kids later we divorced. Our marriage deteriorated until we couldn't stand one another. We're good people but we both did things out of frustration and resentment that were not good. The divorce was amicable but we have been only cordial. Today we do not communicate at all as our kids are adults.

    It was a mess. That's what happens when half the couple marries the other half under duress.

    Don't condemn yourself to a few years with a resentful husband (if he even gets that far). You deserve the man who can't imagine NOT marrying you.

  11. #40
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    "Before this fight, our communication has been pretty good. We laughed so much together and in general our relationship felt light and fun. Are huge arguments tend to surround the topic of marriage, but otherwise, I love speaning time with him."

    I hate to break it to you, but your communication has never been good. You both have learned how to dance around the issues that you have with each other, the deeper things, in order to maintain your light and fun connection. When you come to an impass, you fight for a bit, and then take some steps back, and go back to the pattern that has kept you going - without resolving any of the actual issues. The purpose of disagreements in relationships is not to find a way to stop disagreeing, but to use those moments to bring clarity to parts of your relationship that are fuzzy. Ideally: You either work on a compromise that works for both parties, or at the very least agree to disagree but with the positions clearly stated so there is no later confusion. If neither of those options work, you come to an impass - and move on with a clear reason why it didn't work so that you know what to watch out for in future relationships.

    There are plenty of christian men who still care about getting married. You can usually tell pretty early whether a guy is after the same thing as you or not if you are paying attention. Or just ask deeper questions earlier.

    It's easy when you are young or inexperienced to focus on the feel-good parts of a relationship without really paying attention to long term compatibility. My bet is that your guy is really just not into marriage at all - it sounds like he would be happy to cohabitate long term but is not into the legal or religious aspects of marriage. As your hopes for marriage are religious, I have to wonder about other incompatibilities you may have than just this one, that you may also have swept under the rug. As you start reexamining the relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if you find other issues.

    Keep praying about it, and see if you can sit down and really talk about some of these things. When you are both sober. A mutual agreement may be preferable to a slow fade out.

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