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Thread: How much space do I give my boyfriend after an argument concerning marriage?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by felurian

    He was the one who brought up the idea both times, so I don’t think he doesn’t want to live with me,

    ...but may be using it as a reason to strengthen his argument that he compromises his values for me.
    Sweetie, these two statements contradict each other.

    If moving in with you compromises his values, HIS truth (which is his argument), then no he actually does not want to move in and live with you.

    I am surprised you can't see that, but as I said I think you're in a sort of denial as accepting the reality that you are on two completely different paths is just too painful for you to acknowledge right now.

    Accepting that reality may mean re-thinking the entire relationship and possibly leaving which is also something you are not emotionally ready to do right now.

    Hence the back-tracking, back-flipping and denial.

    Been there, done that, so I understand it.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-09-2019 at 01:04 PM.

  2. #22
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    Try to think of it this way:

    You go ahead and move in together with him hoping you'll be satisfied with cohabitating indefinitely and you hoping it will lead to marriage. The both of you are hoping the other one will "change". Do you think it would hurt more to end it now (with the realization that you're both terrific people but are simply incompatible) or to move in and 4 or 5 years later find out that he STILL doesn't want marriage and he finds out you STILL do? How do you think that would turn out?

    I bet you two would end up despising one another or at least being full of resentment toward the other one for "wasting my time". Ending it now will be painful (of course), but I promise it would be worse years down the line.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Try to think of it this way:

    You go ahead and move in together with him hoping you'll be satisfied with cohabitating indefinitely and you hoping it will lead to marriage. The both of you are hoping the other one will "change". Do you think it would hurt more to end it now (with the realization that you're both terrific people but are simply incompatible) or to move in and 4 or 5 years later find out that he STILL doesn't want marriage and he finds out you STILL do? How do you think that would turn out?

    I bet you two would end up despising one another or at least being full of resentment toward the other one for "wasting my time". Ending it now will be painful (of course), but I promise it would be worse years down the line.
    And consider the logistics whether you rent or own a home together, furniture, finding a new place, pets, etc.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    First off, he originally brought up moving in with each other back in Jan 2019. During that time though, we had another disagreement similar to this topic which made him take a step back towards that goal. Just recently, say mid June he has been wanting to move in together again. He was the one who brought up the idea both times, so I don’t think he doesn’t want to live with me, but may be using it as a reason to strengthen his argument that he compromises his values for me. I haven’t been the one to push cohabitation BECAUSE I value marriage and would like to know that’s in our future to begin with before moving in with him.

    Now, to be fair, he hadn’t known that explicit fact until very recently. So I imagine that is something he is also weighing during our space apart right now. Like other posters have previously mentioned, I’ve been quietly hoping he would change and withholding my feelings for fear of rocking the boat. I have no intention of cajoling him or forcing him to do something he does not intrinsically desire. That’s not my character at all.
    He brought it up to find out your opinions and to feel you out, not "honey, i found the perfect apartment for 2. What do you think about moving in?"
    He probably did not know moving in=marriage to you. You admit this.
    Now you are arguing because you are holding him to the fact that he brought moving in up,
    but he does NOT think moving in means he wants to marry you
    So you are taking him not wanting to move in NOW as a rejection of a future with you -
    when in fact you basically told him that you only want to move in with someone if there is a guarantee of marriage.

    That conversation belongs in the getting to know you part of the relationship.
    The part when you first date and say "i am looking to find someone to date in order to find my future wife/husband" or"i am just looking to have fun and meet people"
    "I see myself having kids" "I don't really believe in 'living with someone' unless you are engaged". "i hope to move to South Africa in a few years and the person i ultimately end up in an LTR with will want the same"

    Rock the boat off the bat. Weed out any guy that doesn't want what you want. And then from the guys who want what you want, date them until you find out if its a match or not.

    Anyway - i think this is an impasse. Don't move in. If you choose to continue to date, that's your business. But you know where he stands.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Why didn't you tell him early on?

    Honestly, I'd be rather upset if someone had the values you do and had not made them clear until being asked to move in together!

    It's fine it's your values, but you have to be honest and upfront. And this trying to convince him to understand these values, well he doesn't have to. It's enough to know you are incompatible to go any further.

    But you really wasted his time. There were SO many people, when I was dating, who were all about getting married in the near future and made that crystal clear very early on in getting to know each other. You won't have trouble finding someone like that. Don't force your values of marriage as the end game on him.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP when I look at the facts of what you have stated, I see the following:

    He needs to be convinced to live with you

    He isn’t sure if he sees himself marrying you

    He claims that he is compromising his values but in reality he is getting exactly what he wants

    You ARE compromising your values for the sake of staying with him... ie living with him without a commitment.

    He makes you laugh and you have a good time together except when you are talking about commitment.

    When you hold him to account he holds you hostage with his unwillingness to communicate and need for space.

    I can see why alarm bells are going off in your head, they are definitely going off in mine right now!

    Instead of living in a fantasy of making this what you want, start looking at this relationship objectively... and whether it aligns with what you want in reality.

  8. #27
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    Don’t waste your life. Spend your life with someone who feels the same way you do about something so important.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Why didn't you tell him early on?

    Honestly, I'd be rather upset if someone had the values you do and had not made them clear until being asked to move in together!

    It's fine it's your values, but you have to be honest and upfront. And this trying to convince him to understand these values, well he doesn't have to. It's enough to know you are incompatible to go any further.

    But you really wasted his time. There were SO many people, when I was dating, who were all about getting married in the near future and made that crystal clear very early on in getting to know each other. You won't have trouble finding someone like that. Don't force your values of marriage as the end game on him.
    He has known since the first year of our relationship that I want to eventually get married. That was our very first huge argument. I left the subject alone for the next year of our relationship to try to compromise and live more in the moment.

    I just shared with him this weekend my fears about living with a man who is not interested in commitment. Again I was trying to push that desire aside but it came out while drunk.

  10. #29
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    Can you "push that desire aside" permanently?

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    He has known since the first year of our relationship that I want to eventually get married. That was our very first huge argument.
    Well, there's a big lesson here for future dating and relationships, should this one not work out.

    In short: when you share something basic about yourself—be it a desire to get married or a desire between the sheets—and it causes your "first huge argument" it probably means you're better off finding someone with whom sharing something basic about yourself causes further excitement and deeper connection.

    Basic desires are beautifully powerful and potent. They don't enjoy being pushed aside. After a while—and after a few drinks—they will push back.

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