Cheating mess

[yoof1874]

My girlfriend and i have been together for over a year,we have had our ups and downs like most couples and we argued alot of the time over stupid stuff. I would like to say i have cheated in the relationship more than once which she has never known about so I know im also in the wrong

She got pregnant and subsequently had an abortion at the start of this year - i haven't got a clue how this messes up a girls emotions and stuff but it put her in a really dark place even with my full support.

We had a really weird month or so after the abortion where she wasn't sure whether she wanted to be with me(i had a feeling something was off).

A couple of months down the line and we managed to get through it and it was really good until i got the chance to check her phone. It has been in the back of my mind that i must find out why she was being so different all of a sudden with me in that month when things weren't good at all. I found she had been messaging a lad sending snap chats back and fourth during that time so I instantly asked her about it. She broke down and told me that she was in a weird head space where she felt she could entertain someone. She said they had met on a night-out and exchanged details and she just entertained something over text.

I took a week to call off and asked for her to meet me because I really love the girl and i know she feels the same and theres a chance we can get through it. We spoke at length about what happened and she promised me there was nothing to it. To which i replied i wanted his details because i was going to message him myself and check what she was saying. She didn't give me his details she refused and insisted it would make things worse. This was a test as his snap chat was already in my head from the messages i had found previously, so i messaged him and he relayed the fact that she was in a **** place and they met on a night out and they only spoke on that night.

There stories seemed way too similar so i told her that he had told me they had met a few times(Not what he told me). This is when she broke down yet again and told me they had met and gone out to drinks and for fast food and as much as i didn't like to hear it he helped her with things and picked her spirits up when she was in a very bad place but she said that she will never understand why this lad was just alright with picking her up and letting her just talk about her problems. She had stopped it after a month before anything happened that couldnt be forgiven

I couldn't stomach this so I had a few weeks break to get my head clear and thought about whether i can believe what shes said or if i thought anything more happened. I know when we are with each other that i wont think about it what so ever but its when im on my own i tend to think about things and if there was anything more. Even after this i do see a future with her or am i just being very naive? any help on what to do would be appreciated

[MissCanuck]

When the trust has been so badly damaged on both sides, it's very difficult to come back from. You've only been together a year and have had serious problems.

She hurt when you cheated. Now the shoe is on the other foot. You were both in the wrong. The big problem here is that she is obviously very emotionally disconnected from you, so making this specific guy go away (or finding out the full truth) isn't going to resolve that problem.

You two need to have a very honest talk. It might just be time to part ways before it gets any worse. She already has one foot out the door.

[yoof1874]

thankyou for your advice, but as i said she doesnt know anything about my wrong decisions, so is it possible to draw a line on my part as i have done the same(or worse) to her

[leseine7]

1. You've cheated. It's all well and good to be like "I cheated on her, I know it's wrong." Do you know how wrong this is? You seem to be completely comfortable invading her privacy and messaging a complete stranger to prove/disprove what she's telling you because you're convinced that she is cheating on you, but yet she has NO IDEA THAT YOU CHEATED ON HER. You need to realign yourself with the realities of this situation ASAP if you genuinely want to be with her.

2. She got pregnant and had an abortion and questioned whether or not she wanted to be with you after. You state you have no idea what this does to someone emotionally. First of all, this is a huge issue and not to be glossed over - you guys got pregnant together. Why did she choose to have an abortion? Was she just not ready? Were you not ready? Did you have a say in that decision? Did you want the baby? The pregnancy is an enormous issue and you yourself should have some feelings around it - not just her.

3. You felt that she pulled away for some unknown reason (my guess is that her going through a pregnancy and the loss of a pregnancy - even if that was her wish - would indeed impact how she might behave), and rather than trust her and have an open dialog with her you felt it right to check her phone, invading her privacy entirely. Meanwhile, you have gone behind her back and cheated on her. Do you realise the double standard here - that it's somehow okay for you to do this without letting her know you've done it so she can decide whether or not to be with you, but then you go and pry into her phone because you're so sure she's cheated on you?

4. You go ahead and message the guy yourself to check (prove) what she's saying. She insisted you not do this, but you did anyway. Again showing a complete disregard for her wishes and her privacy.

5. You then LIE TO HER about what he told you in order to manipulate her into confessing the truth.

So look, I'm not excusing her behaviour. It's not okay for her to go behind your back and flirt with someone and lie to you about it. It's not okay for her to pull away and be unclear about if she wants to be with you.

But your actions are repeatedly manipulative and cruel. You're unfaithful to her yet you never tell her/ are dishonest about it in order to appear to be the good guy. You exhibit controlling tendencies by repeatedly prying into her private life (this still exists, even if she's in a relationship with you). You clearly have no regard for her feelings beyond how they impact you. You even more clearly do not trust her whatsoever.

So, to state the obvious: this relationship is toxic for you both, and you should break it off and move on before any more emotional damage is done. If you truly want to be with her, you need to have a serious heart to heart with her about both of your affairs, come clean about what you have done behind HER back, and allow her to decide if she actually wants to continue the relationship after that. If she does, you both need to go to counselling as a couple and as individuals to deal with the many issues here.

[yoof1874]

1st; I didn't want to go to indepth to it because i wasn't sure people would read such a long post, i am in no means glazing over the fact of what ive done its the worst thing i could do to someone
2nd; She told me to ask him when i first confronted her about it but then changed her mind the second time.

[MissCanuck]

I think this relationship is done and dusted, OP.

Though her behaviour is wrong, you don't have much of a leg to stand on here. When you're cheating on each other, it's a sign you should not be together. One or both of you lacks respect for the other and for the relationship, which doesn't bode well for the future.

You also mention you two argued a lot. There are problems all over the place here and she is already shopping for your replacement.

[leseine7]

1st; I didn't want to go to indepth to it because i wasn't sure people would read such a long post, i am in no means glazing over the fact of what ive done its the worst thing i could do to someone
2nd; She told me to ask him when i first confronted her about it but then changed her mind the second time.

Neither of these points change the facts in play. I didn't say you were glazing over the fact that you have cheated. I said that if you actually want this thing to work, she deserves to know the full truth - which YOU are withholding from her while simultaneously hacking her phone and cornering her about her actions. This truly isn't about who is "more wrong." That doesn't matter.

You came here asking us if you are being naive to want a future here, correct? That was your question?

Then, yes, if what you want is to be able to get off easy for the things you've done wrong to her, without fully coming clean about them (cheating on her), and expecting her to just be 100% loyal to you and give up her right to privacy as long as she's with you, then yes. You are naive to want a future with her, and you both would be better off apart. My hunch is you are anyway after only one year and this much damage. The point isn't "who's more wrong." The point is - this relationship is completely unhealthy for you both.

[yoof1874]

yes you are correct, i misinterpreted what you said

[Honeycomb8]

It's rich to expect honesty and loyalty when you've been the complete opposite with her.

[smackie9]

If you are sooooooo remorseful of your actions, you would have come clean and told her. But like most cheaters, you are just glad you didn't get caught and relieved you got away with it. Then when the tables turn and you get cheated on it feels like a punch to the gut....like how dare they do this to YOU.
Anywho, IMO it's time to cut the crap, and call it a day. This relationship is done/ finished because it never had an honest foundation to build it on. That's why it's been falling apart from the get go. You still have a lot to learn about life.