Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 42

Thread: Non assertive Fiancé

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    14

    Non assertive Fiancé

    Hi everyone. I’m new here and having this issue with my fiancé. He is a sweet kind man that would do anything for me and is very loyal. He is very passive at times and I feel like I am the one making most of the decisions. Almost all of the time, I am initiating sex and it is starting to make me feel insecure and like I am craving that aggressiveness in a man. I love him very much , but lately I have been picking at al these things he should be doing better. He told me “I am just not like that.” When I asked him to initiate sex more and come on to me in a sexual way. He WAS like that earlier in (years ago) and I told him that. He also does get more sexual when he is drinking but It’s not fair for me to have to wait until he’s had a few. He said he doesn’t believe anything has changed and he has gotten better at so many other things. He feels like I’m trying to change him. I’ve been so sad because of this but he feels like he can’t do anything right and I am bashing my head off a wall trying to explain. I. Dont know what to do because I don’t want to leave him, but I am not sexually satisfied !

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,850
    Gender
    Male
    Some questions: How long have you two been together? When you say he was different "earlier," are you referring to the very early days or your sex life together once things had settled down a bit? And how long have you been sexually unsatisfied? Sounds like it's been a good while if you need to go back years to remember, which makes me a bit curious why you got engaged.

    Anyhow, it may simply be that you guys have different desires and appetites—that he is "not like that," as he says. From what you've written it certainly doesn't sound like he's interested in taking your concerns seriously, though I can't tell if that's stubbornness on his part or maybe connected to the way you've communicated things. Have you been judgmental? Insecure comments in the heat of the moment? Or have you tried to clearly and calmly let him know that this is a concern of yours—that you don't want things to end, that you want to get married, but that you can't see those happening if this isn't something you guys can work on together?

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    14
    Thank you for your response. When I approached it the last time, I said I Hope soon we can have some quality time and sex Because I was frustrated. Then I started crying telling him I really love him and he’s a great guy but I. dont feel sexy to him. He looked like a deer in headlights and I asked him why it’s so difficult to talk about. He said he thought he was doing everything right and that I’m the most beautiful girl to him. We have been together 8 years and got engaged last year. He has never really been overly sexual but he used to initiate in the earlier days and maybe every few months now. When I initiate he doesn’t reject me. I just feel like my self esteem is plummeting and I connect with the person I’m with more when that aspect is better. I sometimes feel like there is no emotional depth and I’m looking for it in that way which also makes me insecure because I’m not getting it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,850
    Gender
    Male
    Tough call here. Eight years is a long time, and it sounds like what you are most upset by right now is a dynamic that has existed for the vast majority of those 8 years. I get the sense that you kind of suppressed your feelings and frustrations for a while, so now it's all coming out somewhat dramatically, with tears and so on.

    It does sound like he heard you, expressed to you that he didn't realize you felt this way, that you're the most beautiful girl to him, but that he didn't change or make an effort to show you that he means those words. Which, you know, is okay. Sad but okay. You can't force someone to be someone they're not—not intellectually, not sexually.

    I'm curious to hear more about what you mean by "no emotional depth." Do you mean in him? Or between the two of you? I'm just getting the feeling that you're kind or bored inside this relationship while he is comfortable the way things are.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    14
    You are right in terms of being bored and I have been blaming myself for a long time. Maybe it’s me or I’m not happy with myself etc. he shows me how important I am with the things he does for me on a daily basis and makes me his priority which is important. He is just not an emotionally open person. He has a hard time giving compliments and just starting a conversation about issues we are having. He grew up in a family that never even hugged each other or said I love you. I have never seen him hug his mother once in 8 years, but they have a great relationship.he tells me he loves me everyday and he did actually say I’m fine with the way things are. I. dont want to push him away and make him feel like what’s the point if I’m never happy, but it’s like I am so frustrated lately and everything bothers me now. Thank you for your input.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,850
    Gender
    Male
    I can't help but feel that what you are describing is an engagement between two people who, romantically and emotionally, speak different languages. Not your fault, not his, but a very real divide that neither of you has acknowledged—because, well, doing so would be to acknowledge that you both might be better off in a relationship with someone who is not the other.

    Are you still attracted to him? Is the sex good when it happens?

    Anyhow, it's time to put the blaming to rest. This is not something you have done, or he has done, but something you guys do (or don't do) together. I'd let him know, calmly, lovingly, that you would like to address this together because without doing that you can't see the marriage being one that satisfies you both, as a couple. Hopefully he listens, and you can listen to each other. Listening is the hottest form of intimacy on the planet. When done well, and done together, the other stuff tends to fall into place.

    And if he can't listen to him, and you can't listen to him, and you two can't listen to the precious thing that is the two of you—well, it's a lot easier to end a relationship than to be inside an unhappy marriage and end that. Operate from a place of love (of him, of yourself) rather than fear (or losing him) and you'll find the right path, whatever it ends up being.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    14
    I am still attracted to him. It makes me more attracted to him when I feel like he is turned on if that makes sense. It is good when it happens. It’s just difficult to accept that after the wedding I may not be able to look forward to that excitement that SHOULD happen on our wedding night and that he should be looking forward to as well. As in, starting our lives together and feeling open and comfortable with each other.
    Last edited by Hoobabs; 07-24-2019 at 10:32 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,850
    Gender
    Male
    Can I ask how old you guys are and what kind of relationship experience you both had prior to meeting?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,257
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry this is happening. He feels like you're trying to change him because you are. Read up on passive-aggressive behavior, see what fits. The more you push, the more they'll push back but in sneaky hurtful smile-in-your-face kind of ways. Reflect on why you want to marry him. Is he a heavy drinker or lazy or watching porn incessantly or cheating?

    Consider therapy by yourself to determine if you want to be stuck with someone who is sexually incompatible, inert and withholds affection. Stop coming on to him, stop begging, stop fixing, nagging, putting yourself down or making him responsible for your sense of attractiveness. etc. Stop playing house and getting into a domestic drudgery rut. Plan something exciting once in a while.

    Just walk away from his stonewalling. Instead go out with friends more, spend more time on your own interests, be out of the house much more. Get a part time job, volunteer. Get in shape, get new clothes, hair etc. Be mysterious and away a lot. The cycle and dynamic you're in will erode your relationship and both of you.
    Originally Posted by Hoobabs
    He is very passive at times and I feel like I am the one making most of the decisions. He feels like I’m trying to change him.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,595
    What it comes right down to is, you've expressed disappointment, he now either wants to learn how to be more assertive, or he doesn't.

    He has complained that he feels you're trying to change him, well..you are. And I think many women in your position would feel the same way.

    You don't want an alpha male, but you do want one who initiates and who shows more interest.
    I understand it completely.

    The problem comes in when he doesn't feel it's a problem or isn't interested in changing. Then you are at odds and the problem will never be resolved.

    Talk about this now, sort out what can be changed and what cannot. Then decide what you can accept and cannot before you marry.

    I know it's so difficult when he has everything else you want, and need. I am sorry you're going through this.

    I wished there were any easier way but unfortunately, he is either going to have to want to cooperate or you will have to accept that this is who he is and it's never going to be any different.
    But he is going to have to realize too that you may not want to remain with him due to this.

Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •