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Understanding what he did?


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I don’t understand how someone could be so cruel. How, in May he tells me that he’s a ****ed up person, he just wants to be left alone. He’s a ****ty person, and I’m over here worried ****less about this guy because I cared about him deeply, and I wanted to make sure that he was okay. I wanted to make sure that if he needed anything, that he could always just ask me because I’m there for you and I know what it’s like to be going through whatever it is and not have someone there.

 

So I was there. This happened like 3rd/4th week of May. In that very same week, he then tells me how he wants nothing to do with me and my emotions, and honestly y’all. I was at first heartbroken (still am, but wait there’s more) I’m upset and hurt at this guy because I just like showed to you how much I care about you, how much I would be there for you, but then you want to tell me that you want nothing to do with me nor nothing to do with my emotions, and then I’m just like “fine, you know what, bet!” But truthfully that week of May and hitting June have been hard for me because I didn’t understand what I did to this guy besides showed that I cared.

 

So I’m here heartbroken, begging my Gods and Goddesses to remove this pain because I couldn’t deal anymore. I couldn’t deal with that kind of heart and then having my friends say my eyes are screaming that they are hurt, and then breaking down into tears.

 

Then last week he wants to come back, and me with my always giving people chances self took him back, and he wants to act as if he didn’t say those things and do those things. I honestly just cracked, and then I ask him why does he keep coming in and out of my life constantly, why does he keep doing that if he doesn’t want to stick around? Like why come back for the 4th/5th time.

 

(No this wasn’t the first time, but this being the most recent made me just lose it and something in me just broke)

 

And then he wants to tell me how “oh, you’re always texting and bothering me” that’s because I have all of these questions on why you treat me like this and how he likes to say “oh, I didn’t do anything wrong to you, at least I didn’t **** you and then ghosted” and how he likes to say that he walks with God and whatever

 

And I’m here like whenever I do something wrong or make a mistake towards you, I have to take responsibility for it but the minute I say you did this that hurt me, you tell me you didn’t do anything wrong. You tell me how you see nothing wrong with what you did and when I call you out on what you do to me, it’s an issue. But if the tables were turned, I’ll have to take responsibility so ****ing fast like, and then he blocked me and it’s like

 

How the **** can someone say that they didn’t do anything to hurt you. Guys, I can’t. My heart is breaking, and it hurts so much that I tried to express that and he refuses to see that, he refuses to see that it’s because of what he did and said to me in May.

 

After all I did was cared about him deeply and be there for him, and tried to understand him. This is what he does?

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Sorry this is happening. It sounds quite incompatible and unstable. On/off relationships are a roller coaster from hell. You need to get off. It's not his job to disembark you from this hell ride, it's yours. You need to reflect on what you want and decide if allowing him in and out of your life on his whim is right for you. Stop texting him. Pull way back from this chaos and emotional turmoil

 

Stop and think. He can not rescue you from loneliness or boredom or offer an escape from any other issues in your life. Never try to fix anyone or wish and hope they change. Positioning yourself in any sort of martyr or victim role will not make you feel good in the long run and people will not respect you or be endeared to you. Most victim /martyr stances are seen as "clingy" or controlling, not helpful or altruistic. Take your life by the reins and steer it where you want it you go.

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he tells me that he’s a ****ed up person, he just wants to be left alone. He’s a ****ty person,

 

When people tell you who they are, listen to them. It really is that simple. The fact that you treat him well does not mean that he will treat you well.

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When people tell you who they are, listen to them. It really is that simple. The fact that you treat him well does not mean that he will treat you well.

 

Ditto all of the above.

 

Keep this guy out of your life, and don't let people treat you like this in the future.

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Why would you take someone back before discussing past issues?

 

It sounds like you took him back (which suggests acceptance of the past) but then afterwards tried to discuss the past?

 

Why does he come in and out of your life constantly?

Because you allow him to.

 

If you had discussed the issues prior to taking him back you would have found out earlier and the first time he broke up with you that he simply isn’t interested in discussing.

Meaning it’s a case of take it or leave it.

 

So leave it. Delete and block then there is no coming back.

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Keep writing your anger out. Keep a journal and just vent in it and write and write. Draft messages you'd like to send him, keep them on file (never send).

 

Go no contact - inform him it's done, he's made clear to you where you stand and it's over. Ask him not to contact you again. Mean it.

 

Repeat to yourself that this will never change and he is not the one for you. Write in the journal. Write here. Vent. But never contact him again.

 

Anyone who tells you that you are "always texting and bothering them" and that they "want nothing to do with you and your emotions." Does NOT CARE ABOUT YOU, end of story. He wants to get with you once in awhile when it suits him and his ego, but please do not ever give this loser another minute of your time.

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Why would you let him come back five times? Get some respect for yourself! Making yourself an indispensable doormat for this guy is not the move. He knows he can literally do whatever he wants and that you'll still be there. Wake up.

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Who cares what he sees? He isn't living your experience. He also isn't forcing you to continously allow the crappy behavior. You took him back repeatedly and whether you realized it or not, you communicated to him that his behavior was acceptable. Develop higher standards for yourself and your relationships - meaning forget this man and his BS.

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Guys, I just want to cry. I am so beyond hurt that he sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he did.

 

It's ok that you feel that way, but you're not going to change anything. You need to detach from people like this and avoid them in the future. Unless you enjoy misery, which some certainly do.

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Just know this . . someone who habitually doesn't take responsibility for their actions doesn't wake up one day and change.

It's typically a character flaw that is hard cast in to their personality.

 

Have some comfort, if there is any, that this isn't about you getting through to him anymore.

This IS how he is ~ and you don't want him anymore.

Be relieved by his absence and free yourself up for someone who genuinely cares.

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vintage, you keep asking why does he keep doing this?

 

I will give you my honest answer -- because he's a sociopath (in every sense of the word) and I don't use that word lightly.

 

He has zero conscience (clearly!), wreaks emotional havoc on whomever he encounters and will continue to do so as long as they (in this case you) allow it.

 

My goodness, this man's behavior is absolutely despicable! A total mind fu**! Yet you keep going back, why? Because you care? What about YOU, do you care about yourself?

 

I am going to give some advice, I hope you follow it. These guys who come off as being damaged, confused, messed up or whatever, stay away from them!

 

I know it's hard, woman are the caring nurturers, we want to help, make everything okay, FIX him, right? Make everything "all better," awww poor baby. I'm here for you. Ugh!

 

And as such, we make the big mistake of believing that if we care enough, love them enough, are "there" for them enough, we will be rewarded with their love and undying devotion forever and ever.

 

NOT! All that love and caring you're giving him? He will eventually resent you for it, even "hate" you for it, why? Because it's suffocating to him, stifling to him.

 

It also goes against all the feelings he has about himself. Specifically, the hatred he feels towards himself.

 

Do not feel sorry for him and do not try and "save" him, I cannot emphasize this enough. Trust me, he will not appreciate it as I'm sure you're realizing now.

 

I can almost guarantee you the woman he falls hard for will be the woman who DOES NOT care, gives him very little attention, she may even deem him unworthy.

 

Because that is the vision he has of himself - unworthy. And the woman who does NOT care jives with that vision.

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OP.. you sound desperate or he is desperate or you are both desperate. You want to understand why he does these things to you? I have a very simple answer for you..

Because you allow him to.

That's it. It doesn't matter what he says, what he does, how badly he treats you or how great he can treat you. The reason why you are in pain is because you allowed this to happen. And as long as you keep that door open, he is going to continue to come on in. I know this because I was like this guy. I would tell a girl the exact same thing(s) as he told you and I would be amazed on how a girl would gladly accept me back. What that meant to me was. I could treat her like dirt all I want as long as I tell her what she wants to hear.

If you want a break down as to exactly why, then you will never get your answer. It could be one of many reasons. You are desperate, you can be lonely, he can be your first, the sex is that good, he is a jerk, he is selfish, you have low self esteem, he keeps you by making you want to do things for him. No matter what reason you choose, it doesn't matter. He treats you like dirt because you allow him to.

I can tell you that there is no way you can make him change. You don't have the power to. He doesn't respect you so why do you think he wants to listen to you? Yes Im being harsh, but you have to understand that he does not want to be in a relationship with you. So you have the power and the choice on your happiness. If you want to feel this way all the time then keep him in your life. If you don't want to feel this way again, then you purge him from your life. That is how you "win". You cant make him feel bad, you cant make him cry, you cant make him miss you. You have to be the one to stand up and say no more because he is not going to do it for you.

Your choice.

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