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26 and never had a relationship


anon1234579

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So I'm 26 years old and I've never even been on a date let alone been in a relationship, I am still a virgin and I've never even kissed a guy. Growing up, I lived in a very strict and complicated household and I wasn't really allowed to talk to boys so I never really had the chance to form any relationships in my teens.

 

I finally got my freedom when I hit around 20 but by that point my self-esteem had hit the floor and, although since then I've become so much more confident within myself, I'm still struggling to meet anyone. Guys are just never interested in me and even when I've actively shown interest I've always been rejected. I might not be the prettiest girl but I'm beginning to think I'm so ugly, no one could ever want me.

 

Everyone I know has had some kind of relationship before, but I have had literally nothing, my love life is completely non-existent and I don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts/advice??

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What do you mean by "when I show interest"? How do you express that? Hopefully you are not only on some quality dating apps but also involved in groups, clubs, classes, courses volunteering and other activities to bring you together with people.

 

You don't need to be a beauty queen, but you do need to smile, be approachable and put yourself out there. Do you live at home? Do you work/enjoy your job? How is your social life otherwise? If you are self conscious about your looks, get in shape, wear nice clothes and and get tips on makeup hair etc. Make sure your profile on dating apps includes clear recent flattering photos and an upbeat profile.

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Build your self confidence first. Whether male or female, nothing is more attractive than self confidence.

 

I agree with Wiseman2 and everything he said.

 

I was similar to you once. I hailed from a strict, sheltered home life. I never dated nor had a boyfriend throughout high school AND college. I was very busy working my way through school while financially supporting my widowed my mother and younger siblings. I didn't have time.

 

Not only did I not have time, I didn't think anyone would be interested in me. Therefore, I simply concentrated on my career ascension. Eventually, my world became new to me. I entered a new social life, met new people and eventually my husband. It turns out, all the men in my sphere were doing the same thing. They were too busy succeeding and we were all late to the party so to speak but we had finally arrived.

 

My country MIL (mother-in-law)'s favorite quote is: "While everyone was busy sloshing around in the milk, the cream rose to the top!" It's so true. After you concentrate on yourself and prosper, you will enter a whole new world you never even knew ever existed!

 

My husband introduced me to all of his wonderful friends. None of them were the home town loser boys from where I came from. They were cool, hip, sophisticated and very kind.

 

My advice is to work on yourself and focus on success. Then it's bees to honey and you'll be pushing through an open door.

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Thanks for your response! I do already do a lot of these things, I'm currently in my final year of university and I live in a house with 3 other students. I'm in a lot of clubs and groups at uni and I meet new people quite regularly through this and my job. My social life is actually pretty busy and I'm always doing something, going to the bar, the beach, clubbing, I'm usually quite chatty and I feel like I'm quite good at talking to people. I already focus on my looks a lot (i.e. clothes, makeup, hair, etc., to the point where I spend too much $$$) and I think that's why I feel frustrated that nothing seems to go right for me.

 

Sorry if this is coming off as defensive, I think you're right, it's just hard to identify what I need to work on when I feel like I already put myself out there so much but I guess as Cherylyn says it might be my self-confidence that's holding me back. And maybe I'm not working as hard on myself as I think I am. You've given me a lot to think about, thank you! :)

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Also @ Cherylyn thank you for your advice! It's also nice to know I'm not the only one who has been through this. Everyone around me has had so much experience that I forget that I'm allowed to take my time. I know it won't be easy but I guess I do need to focus on myself more

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Thanks for your response! I do already do a lot of these things, I'm currently in my final year of university and I live in a house with 3 other students. I'm in a lot of clubs and groups at uni and I meet new people quite regularly through this and my job. My social life is actually pretty busy and I'm always doing something, going to the bar, the beach, clubbing, I'm usually quite chatty and I feel like I'm quite good at talking to people. I already focus on my looks a lot (i.e. clothes, makeup, hair, etc., to the point where I spend too much $$$) and I think that's why I feel frustrated that nothing seems to go right for me.

 

Sorry if this is coming off as defensive, I think you're right, it's just hard to identify what I need to work on when I feel like I already put myself out there so much but I guess as Cherylyn says it might be my self-confidence that's holding me back. And maybe I'm not working as hard on myself as I think I am. You've given me a lot to think about, thank you! :)

 

Focusing on looks means working out and maintaining a healthy weight, not buying expensive clothes and wearing makeup. Just say.

 

Do you make the first step? Don't always expect guys to make the first step. Are you approachable?

 

Generally, it's a mistake to believe that there is something wrong with you because you didn't have a boyfriend or guys don't approach you.

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Focusing on looks means working out and maintaining a healthy weight, not buying expensive clothes and wearing makeup. Just say.

 

Do you make the first step? Don't always expect guys to make the first step. Are you approachable?

 

Generally, it's a mistake to believe that there is something wrong with you because you didn't have a boyfriend or guys don't approach you.

 

I won't lie, I don't work out, but I'm not overweight, I'm a US 8 and I'm quite confident in my body tbh.

 

I have sometimes made the first step but generally they will not be interested or they will be more interested in my friends. I think I'm approachable but maybe not enough? idk

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Thanks for your response! I do already do a lot of these things, I'm currently in my final year of university and I live in a house with 3 other students. I'm in a lot of clubs and groups at uni and I meet new people quite regularly through this and my job. My social life is actually pretty busy and I'm always doing something, going to the bar, the beach, clubbing, I'm usually quite chatty and I feel like I'm quite good at talking to people. I already focus on my looks a lot (i.e. clothes, makeup, hair, etc., to the point where I spend too much $$$) and I think that's why I feel frustrated that nothing seems to go right for me.

 

Sorry if this is coming off as defensive, I think you're right, it's just hard to identify what I need to work on when I feel like I already put myself out there so much but I guess as Cherylyn says it might be my self-confidence that's holding me back. And maybe I'm not working as hard on myself as I think I am. You've given me a lot to think about, thank you! :)

 

So if that’s the case it’s time to give you some raw and honest advice.

 

Are you attempting to date in your league? Or are you going after unobtainable men as a barrier, so you dont actually have to take that risk and it’s their fault?

 

You don’t have a sign around your neck that says ‘virgin’ so let’s dig deep and figure out what exactly is going on here, this is fixable, you know how to dress and youre social etc. so that’s not the problem, what is?

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Wrong crowd. You're in a totally wrong crowd. At your age anyway not many people are looking for anything serious and those that claim to be might change their minds. Just chill out and relax a bit more. You come across as a bit hard up and overly focused on what others think about you. Let go of all that make up and don't spend so much money on clothes etc. Your self-confidence is low and it's getting lower and lower from the sounds of it.

 

Enjoy yourself just the way you are and stop hanging around other people (young women in particular) whom you feel you have to compete with in unhealthy ways. You're a lot more than that and I think you're undermining yourself. Have a little dignity and don't be afraid to stand alone or do your own thing now and then. Get out of that whole mindset where you're living according to someone else's standards.

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So if that’s the case it’s time to give you some raw and honest advice.

 

Are you attempting to date in your league? Or are you going after unobtainable men as a barrier, so you dont actually have to take that risk and it’s their fault?

 

You don’t have a sign around your neck that says ‘virgin’ so let’s dig deep and figure out what exactly is going on here, this is fixable, you know how to dress and youre social etc. so that’s not the problem, what is?

 

I don't think I do? I actually get really awkward and nervous around really good looking guys and will probably run away lol but I'm never been fussy in terms of who I go for, as it's generally always been personality that is most important to me; I generally like chilled laid-back guys that make me laugh, my standards aren't that high, especially at this point.

 

I honestly don't know what the problem is :( I am trying but it's not really seeming to get me anywhere.

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I don't think I do? I actually get really awkward and nervous around really good looking guys and will probably run away lol but I'm never been fussy in terms of who I go for, as it's generally always been personality that is most important to me; I generally like chilled laid-back guys that make me laugh, my standards aren't that high, especially at this point.

 

I honestly don't know what the problem is :( I am trying but it's not really seeming to get me anywhere.

 

You lack confidence. The guys who have the confidence are going to be looking for the same. The guys who also lack it like yourself are surely out there... but since they lack confidence as well how are you to find them? You may have to really put yourself out there for a while before you find someone and things click. How long have you been trying? (I mean actively trying, not just sitting around shy and hoping a guy falls in your lap) How many guys do you approach a week?

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Wrong crowd. You're in a totally wrong crowd. At your age anyway not many people are looking for anything serious and those that claim to be might change their minds. Just chill out and relax a bit more. You come across as a bit hard up and overly focused on what others think about you. Let go of all that make up and don't spend so much money on clothes etc. Your self-confidence is low and it's getting lower and lower from the sounds of it.

 

Enjoy yourself just the way you are and stop hanging around other people (young women in particular) whom you feel you have to compete with in unhealthy ways. You're a lot more than that and I think you're undermining yourself. Have a little dignity and don't be afraid to stand alone or do your own thing now and then. Get out of that whole mindset where you're living according to someone else's standards.

 

I know plenty of people my age and even younger that are in serious relationships, some of them are married and/or have kids so I don't think that's really the issue. But I do agree that I need to try and change my mindset, it just gets hard sometimes, with all the couples around me, I feel very lonely, barely any of my close friends are single anymore. I don't feel like I'm in competition with them, I just feel a little left behind, and I can't relate to their experiences of being in a relationship.

 

And you are right, I am a little obsessive over what people think of me, I know I need to work more on my insecurities and self-esteem but I guess it's gonna be a process.

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I know plenty of people my age and even younger that are in serious relationships, some of them are married and/or have kids so I don't think that's really the issue. But I do agree that I need to try and change my mindset, it just gets hard sometimes, with all the couples around me, I feel very lonely, barely any of my close friends are single anymore. I don't feel like I'm in competition with them, I just feel a little left behind, and I can't relate to their experiences of being in a relationship.

 

And you are right, I am a little obsessive over what people think of me, I know I need to work more on my insecurities and self-esteem but I guess it's gonna be a process.

 

Every single person at your age feels this way - and there are more like you than you think. Having been kissed/had sex isn't always a milestone for everyone. For many, those experiences are mostly awkward and not good. Or they get stuck in a bad marriage. Or have suffered from heartbreak from their relationships which makes it hard for them to find love again. In some respects you have the advantage - though there's no need to compare your life to others in this way. We all have our own timeline.

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You lack confidence. The guys who have the confidence are going to be looking for the same. The guys who also lack it like yourself are surely out there... but since they lack confidence as well how are you to find them? You may have to really put yourself out there for a while before you find someone and things click. How long have you been trying? (I mean actively trying, not just sitting around shy and hoping a guy falls in your lap) How many guys do you approach a week?

 

I can't really put a number to how many guys I approach a week as I don't exactly have a quota, I will generally just approach them when the opportunity presents itself. I would say I've been actively trying the past 3 years or so. Before that, I never really tried because, as you said, I was hoping a guy would just fall into my lap.

 

When I realised that wasn't going to happen, I began putting myself out there more. It was hard at first and I really had to take baby steps because it was very out of my comfort zone but my confidence in general did grow through trying even though nothing worked out. I even went through a period of really not caring what anyone else thinks and just focused on myself but it didn't really last. I feel like I'm just getting older and older and nothing is changing and I'm scared of hitting 30 and being in the same position.

 

I will try what you said and put myself out there even more, and hope for the best :)

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What has online dating been like for you?

 

I generally use tinder, but I don't get a huge amount of matches and with the ones that do if I message first they usually don't reply and a lot of the guys that message me first are a little creepy. BUT I do think I self-sabotage with online dating a little because I get really anxious when messaging in case we hit it off and they wanna go on a date but they're disappointed when they see me in person

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Every single person at your age feels this way - and there are more like you than you think. Having been kissed/had sex isn't always a milestone for everyone. For many, those experiences are mostly awkward and not good. Or they get stuck in a bad marriage. Or have suffered from heartbreak from their relationships which makes it hard for them to find love again. In some respects you have the advantage - though there's no need to compare your life to others in this way. We all have our own timeline.

 

Thank you, somewhere in my brain the common sense is jumping out and agrees, I guess I just need to keep reminding myself to be patient and let things happen. Maybe I'm trying too hard.

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I generally use tinder, but I don't get a huge amount of matches and with the ones that do if I message first they usually don't reply and a lot of the guys that message me first are a little creepy. BUT I do think I self-sabotage with online dating a little because I get really anxious when messaging in case we hit it off and they wanna go on a date but they're disappointed when they see me in person

 

Why are they going to be disappointed ? Do you have clear photos? Don't stress so much about what other people think. In any case, if they like your photos on tinder they will probably like you in real life too. Plus, dating is a numbers game.

 

At least you have some matches :) The last time i tried i had 0 matches lol

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I generally use tinder, but I don't get a huge amount of matches and with the ones that do if I message first they usually don't reply and a lot of the guys that message me first are a little creepy. BUT I do think I self-sabotage with online dating a little because I get really anxious when messaging in case we hit it off and they wanna go on a date but they're disappointed when they see me in person

 

Please get off tinder.

 

It’s not an entry level site, you’d be a sitting , I do question why of all the dating sites that’s the one you chose and that you admit to allowing your anxiety to sabotage, I think it’s happening more than you think...

 

Try a more vanilla dating site just to dip your feet in. Take the risk, your first date isn’t going to just bam be your soul mate, get used to meeting men and dating, baby steps, it’s a marathon not a sprint.

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Anon, I completely understand how you feel. I am around your age and have not yet had a relationship. I understand how personal this subject must be to you. I used to think the same things about myself, but I have learned through the wisdom of others two important things: there is no standard timeline for relationships and you cannot force anything to happen.

 

I also understand that it may be tempting to compromise things you can never recover in efforts to enter a relationship, as I have been tempted to do so. I urge you not to fall into this trap; it can have long-term consequences. Have you considered using this time of singleness to develop yourself? Is there a way you can get involved in the community and serve others? You’ll meet new people while giving back.

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Have you tried Okcupid, Bumble or Match.com?

 

In the past I have met some really good quality guys on the first two.

 

I think you shouldn't be approaching guys, normally that doesn't work. The nonchalant relaxed approach is better-I get asked out quite regularly (this is without apps) and I'm playful but quite distant. People can smell desperation so it's best not to go into anything with expectations or hope. You should just treat them like a buddy and tease them. Work on your confidence, that way you won't second guess yourself and show self assurance. People love confidence right?

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I would enjoy the last bit of college - most people i know that met in college were involved in some sort of activity that brought people together where they had to interact - like volunteering, theater, putting together a fundraiser, or being in a department that was smaller where everyone knew eachother.

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