Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 43

Thread: I Am Not Meant To Be In A Relationship

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    7,708
    Whenever we make a life change, especially a significant and wonderful one like going to Law School, we may unwittingly violate the unwritten 'contracts' we have with other people. Often these only become apparent when one person in a relationship goes through a period of personal growth; this is why many couples break up when one person goes into therapy.

    When I say 'unwritten contracts' I mean the assumptions people have about their role, and the other person's role in the relationship. If your dominant man hasn't got the cojones to cope with a strong woman, and that's what you're becoming, he will try to control you in all sorts of direct and indirect ways to maintain the status quo. The passive-aggressive pulling away is part of this. By trying to better yourself, you are not behaving in the way he wants you to behave, and that will feel threatening to him. I have a very dear friend who wants a 'strong man who'll do all the driving and look after everything', and then wonders why all her partners turn out to be massive control freaks!

    If I were you, I'd amend the title of your thread to 'I Am Not Meant To Be In A Relationship with A Spoilt Little Boy Who Will Sulk and Pout When I Intend to Gain a Professional Qualification'. To be honest, if you're going to be working hard at your studies, relationships are likely to take a bit of a back seat anyway - and there's nothing wrong with that!

    Once you're qualified, you are likely to be attractive to a totally different kind of man. You, and your relationships, will not stay the same. Just trust to your own process, your own growth - and all the veryveryvery best with your course!

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,873
    Gender
    Female
    It kinda fits in with your recent anxiety and almost wondering what was wrong with you lately.

    I recall you wanting to make an appointment to see the doctor and a tiny bit of spiraling . .or maybe twirling is a bit kinder way to say it.

    Instead you are on the road to somewhere but admitting to it and gaining something means you would likely have to give something up. You weren't even able to see it at the time and not easy decisions by all means. But now the clouds have cleared and there was never anything `wrong' with K.

    I love nutbrownhairs analogy of unwritten contracts. It's one for the books.

    I agree with others. You do you for a little while and my guess is you'll find someone better suited, when you are ready.

    In the meantime, congrats!! You'll be an amazing lawyer K! Head high.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,733
    If it was just this recent decision to go to law school that's put him in a different state, then I'd just write it off as a one-off. As in, perhaps you caught him off guard, and he doesn't know how to handle it yet.

    But it happened with your discussion about London.

    With London, I understood his feelings more, because it would entail a very long distance physical move.

    But what does your wanting to go to law school have to do with your relationship to him? That's what I'm having a hard time understanding. Maybe he thinks you're going to law school in a different city, a different state?

    In any event, I don't think it's that you're not ready for a relationship, but rather, that if you're in a relationship, you'd want it with someone who supports you, who champions you, who's there for you to cheer you on and support you through difficulties.

    Seems like your BF is happy when you fit into his bubble, his happy place where things go according to this plan, that direction. Law school? Not in the bubble. London? Not even close to the bubble. And when you even look outside the bubble, he turns away.

    He may be looking for a lot of stability, someone who wants exactly the same type of life he wants, living in this place, doing these things, making these plans together. You may be too much of a free spirit for him.

    You've spoken of how wonderful he is, and I believe that he is, but that may be for someone else. You may both be two wonderful puzzle pieces who just do not fit together, and there is no sin or shame in that. I was married like that once, and it just never felt right.

    Girl, you do you. LSATs, working for this criminal defense attorney, law school, London, or whatever else comes up for you.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,326
    Originally Posted by LHGirl

    Seems like your BF is happy when you fit into his bubble, his happy place where things go according to this plan, that direction. Law school? Not in the bubble. London? Not even close to the bubble. And when you even look outside the bubble, he turns away.

    He may be looking for a lot of stability, someone who wants exactly the same type of life he wants, living in this place, doing these things, making these plans together. You may be too much of a free spirit for him.

    You've spoken of how wonderful he is, and I believe that he is, but that may be for someone else. You may both be two wonderful puzzle pieces who just do not fit together, and there is no sin or shame in that. I was married like that once, and it just never felt right.
    I think you pretty much nailed it! Thank you!

    Oh and I thought nutbrown's post was awesome too; actually everyone had something of value to say and I appreciate all who chimed in!

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,187
    Originally Posted by j.man
    There could be a lot to this.

    Granted you and I aren't lunch buddies or anything for me to have sufficiently picked at your mind, but from what I gather in your posts, you kinda like the idea of this unicorn of a new-age old-fashioned man willing to be assertive and take the lead in all the right ways while respecting you having your hands on the reins on matters such as your professional development when it could and would heavily impact your relationship dynamic. In reality, if you're completely serious about a guy who's 100% on-board with you making bold and committed moves to advance your career and making it a sustained focal point of your life, you're kinda gonna need just a pinch of that cliche rom-com guy who's already home in his sweatpants already unwound and making dinner when the struggling professional lady comes home late from her job.

    Obviously that doesn't mean you gotta settle for the part-time substitute teacher who wears thick-brimmed glasses and has a good heart but who's going to complain you're not "spontaneous" enough for him. But it may be worth it in your dating process, even if the guy likes or prefers to take the lead, to interject with your own influence and see how positively he reacts or goes with it. And preferably sooner than later. Is he self-conscious about you paying for half the bill on the first date? Or playing it more conservatively, does he reject or get put off by you following through on your offer to get him back on the second date? So long as you're being reasonable in keeping his tastes and interests in mind, how does he respond to your suggestions of a restaurant or movie? Basically, how does he respond to you being an equal? I get and fully sympathize that it's not as sexy, and you obviously don't wanna be that "I have a job too, you know" chick when the guy's just trying to be nice with the bill. But I think it's important for women now more than ever, and especially for those who are very career-minded, to consider it an audition both for romance and partnership.
    Is this really a man who doesnít view her as an equal though?

    Iím going to be honest, if Iím talking about marriage and children with a guy and heís also discussing that then one day heís like I want to move to London, completely on his own not taking my feelings into account and then I want
    To change careers again no discussion just get out the way... Id pull back too.

    I think most would.

    Free spirit isnít an excuse to just bulldoze him and his feelings.

    And honestly you bashing him every time you get mad then poof everythingís fine isnít cool either.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,326
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Is this really a man who doesnít view her as an equal though?

    Iím going to be honest, if Iím talking about marriage and children with a guy and heís also discussing that then one day heís like I want to move to London, completely on his own not taking my feelings into account and then I want
    To change careers again no discussion just get out the way... Id pull back too.

    I think most would.

    Free spirit isnít an excuse to just bulldoze him and his feelings.

    And honestly you bashing him every time you get mad then poof everythingís fine isnít cool either.
    Exactly, you got it girl (more or less), owning it 100% -- hence the title of this thread!

    Edit: And not that it matters, but we did discuss my pursuing law school -- it was in a previous post, perhaps you missed it.

    He was all for it, 100% supportive, until he realized I was serious after I registered for the LSAT, at which point he took his support away and began withdrawing.

    I don't think that is very cool either.

    But like I said for the post part, you are absolutely right which is precisely why I don't think I am meant to be in relationship, at least not right now and probably not for a long time.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 07-08-2019 at 09:10 PM.

  8. #27
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,328
    Gender
    Female
    I am going to tell you part of my life . In the early part of my life my husband was in the reserves for 21 years. He had always talked about going REG FORCE but he talked about 9 million other things too . To be fair God didnít even know what he was doing or thinking about . He wanted to be a teacher ,he wanted to be a Marine ,he wanted to be this he wanted to be that . And every time I would have to mentally adjust myself . It was freaking exhausting . Then one day in 2007 just after we had lost our baby he told me without even discussing anything with me whatsoever , ď I joined the reg force and this is what Iím doing and anybody who is in opposition to it including you can F off .Ē Without even discussing one thing with me he change my entire life . He changed where I would live ,he changed who I was around ,changed the fact that I do wouldnít have a job anymore , I wouldnít be close to my family . All without ever consulting me . And he wanted me to fully support him . 😳


    Sometimes in the endeavour of ďfinding ourselvesď we leave a lot of collateral damage . I think your boyfriend has gotten to the point in life where he wants stability not new pages every few months .


    Iím not saying youíre wrong or heís wrong maybe you just donít fit together .

  9. #28
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,326
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~

    Iím not saying youíre wrong or heís wrong maybe you just donít fit together .
    Thanks S, I wholeheartedly agree with you. At least in part.

    There are other issues at play here too, some I have touched on, some not.

    But at the end of the day it all boils down to the same thing - I am not meant to be in a relationship, at least not a committed one, not at this time or maybe ever.

    And I am OK with that.

    Now I knew some would come down hard on me hard for my choice, or for being the type of person I am, like FIO, and I am okay with too.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,238
    It's confusing because literally yesterday or the day before you were extolling your wonderful relationship. Did his "pulling back" just happen in the past couple of days?

  11. #30
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,328
    Gender
    Female
    Just donít mislead anybody about who you are . If you are someone who loves massive amounts of change donít present yourself as someone who loves stability .

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •