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Guy freaked out about exclusivity,then sent mixed signal, what do i do from here


Taralynnski

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A guy I’ve been dating for 3 months and I were hanging out recently, we were in bed and I told him I wanted to ask him something and if he could give me an honest answer. He immediately got uncomfortable and said “what do you need to ask me… it’s too soon” Not having any idea what he meant I kept saying whats “too soon”, we were getting nowhere so I told him to forget about what I wanted to ask entirely. The next morning before I left I tried to bring up my question again, he again got uncomfortable and told me it wasn’t a good time to ask. I went home and thought about it and realized that he probably thought I wanted to ask him to be exclusive which would explain why he said it was too soon. Thing is that is so far what I wanted to ask him about – one of his coworkers that’s he always said has a crush on me keep texting me and i wanted to ask him if he was comfortable me telling that guy that the two of us were seeing each. I didn’t want to do it without his okay since it involves his work life. But the thing is this guy had a full on melt down and couldn’t even listen to what I had to say when he thought I wanted to be exclusive!

 

Two days later I was out at a festival with my girlfriends, we had met some guys and met up with 2 of my male coworkers and were just chatting with them, when I ran into him there. Since I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong I went up to him, gave him a big hug and introduced my friends and the guys. He seemed really awkward and immediately told me he was leaving. Hours later in the early hours of the morning I get a text saying “ hope I didn’t cramp your night” I replied that I actually felt I was the one who did that to him since he left so quick, and he replied “ you were with a guy! I didn’t know what to do” I replied that the man I was standing with at the time was my coworker, I was saying that to you that then you said you were leaving. I hope you guys had fun”. He never replied and he haven’t talked since ( 1 day). I’m a little annoyed because obviously from our conversation-or lack there of- he made it pretty clear to me that he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, yet felt it was appropriate to call me out when he ran into me with another guy without even knowing the background of who he was..!! I also feel a little disrespected that he never listened to what I had to say in the first place..but overall he is a nice guy so im really torn at what to do. The festival I saw him it is also I festival that is going on in m city for 10 day which is im assuming the reason the thought of being exclusive made him so uncomfortable. He was in a long term relationship for years and this is the first time he will be single for it, which is fine but I wish he could have communicated that like an adult, and if that’s the reason why do you think It’s okay to call me out for just being seen with a guy. Is the right move to just go a few days without speaking, give each other some space then see where we both at? Or wait for him to reach out considering?

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What do you want with this guy, at this point?

 

Honestly, the "real" question you wanted to bring up sounds very much like the question you assume (correctly, by the sound of it) that he was scared to talk about directly. I mean, if you want to have flirty texts with his coworker—go for it. You're not in an exclusive relationship. If you don't want to—well, shut that down. You're an autonomous adult.

 

Asking him if it's "okay" to tell the coworker about you two could sound a lot like you using the coworker as a proxy to push for defining things more clearly and seriously—albeit while also rubbing it in his face a bit that you're being pursed by another.

 

So, again: What do you want? After three months—or three days, or three years, or whatever is true for you—it's totally understandable to want things to be less vague. But maybe just have that talk—and, if it's a talk he can't have, then you know he's not someone to keep investing in.

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You need to be honest with him and yourself... if you want an exclusive relationship then have the convo with him. If he freaks out or says he isn’t ready, then he has no right to be upset if you go out with other guys.

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I believe he already told OP he isn't ready. He knew exactly where the convo was going and he immediately shut it down and said "it's too soon."

 

Nuff said.

 

If this were me, after three months, I'd wish him well and move on.

 

He's either got commitment issues or not all that into me, both of which would not be acceptable for me.

 

Decide what's right and best for you but don't waste your time having any more "talks" with him. He's proven he is averse to that.

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I agree with katrina. This is not how a committed man acts. If you can't even have a conversation with this guy without him shutting down, I'm not sure why you want to be more serious with him anyways.

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I believe he already told OP he isn't ready. He knew exactly where the convo was going and he immediately shut it down and said "it's too soon."

 

I agree.

 

He isn't interested in exclusivity if the mere suggestion of it sent him scurrying away from the topic.

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He's an inept communicator. He cuts you off before giving you a chance to ask questions, presumes what you're going to ask and manipulates the conversation. Then he gets what he wants by refusing to answer your presumed question which is quite selfish of him.

 

Next, he jumps to conclusions when he sees you with his co-worker, awkwardly recoils when you hugged him and storms off in a huff like a spoiled little child.

 

As a side note, keep in mind, some people prefer to keep their personal life such as dating / relationships private as opposed to displays of public affection especially in front of colleagues. Some people whether male or female prefer to be discreet. There are times when you need to respect a person's preferences especially in public with colleagues.

 

It sounds as if both of you are getting your wires crossed. Have a frank discussion with him minus any distractions.

 

He's a high maintenance guy and you have to walk on eggshells in order to date and have a relationship with him.

 

I doubt he'll reach out and discuss the root of the problem which is his poor communication style. Reach out to him and if communicating with this guy proves to be too taxing, then ask yourself if he is the one for you or not. Proceed from there.

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A guy I’ve been dating for 3 months and I were hanging out recently, we were in bed and I told him I wanted to ask him something and if he could give me an honest answer. He immediately got uncomfortable and said “what do you need to ask me… it’s too soon” Not having any idea what he meant I kept saying whats “too soon”, we were getting nowhere so I told him to forget about what I wanted to ask entirely. The next morning before I left I tried to bring up my question again, he again got uncomfortable and told me it wasn’t a good time to ask. I went home and thought about it and realized that he probably thought I wanted to ask him to be exclusive which would explain why he said it was too soon. Thing is that is so far what I wanted to ask him about – one of his coworkers that’s he always said has a crush on me keep texting me and i wanted to ask him if he was comfortable me telling that guy that the two of us were seeing each. I didn’t want to do it without his okay since it involves his work life. But the thing is this guy had a full on melt down and couldn’t even listen to what I had to say when he thought I wanted to be exclusive!

 

Two days later I was out at a festival with my girlfriends, we had met some guys and met up with 2 of my male coworkers and were just chatting with them, when I ran into him there. Since I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong I went up to him, gave him a big hug and introduced my friends and the guys. He seemed really awkward and immediately told me he was leaving. Hours later in the early hours of the morning I get a text saying “ hope I didn’t cramp your night” I replied that I actually felt I was the one who did that to him since he left so quick, and he replied “ you were with a guy! I didn’t know what to do” I replied that the man I was standing with at the time was my coworker, I was saying that to you that then you said you were leaving. I hope you guys had fun”. He never replied and he haven’t talked since ( 1 day). I’m a little annoyed because obviously from our conversation-or lack there of- he made it pretty clear to me that he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, yet felt it was appropriate to call me out when he ran into me with another guy without even knowing the background of who he was..!! I also feel a little disrespected that he never listened to what I had to say in the first place..but overall he is a nice guy so im really torn at what to do. The festival I saw him it is also I festival that is going on in m city for 10 day which is im assuming the reason the thought of being exclusive made him so uncomfortable. He was in a long term relationship for years and this is the first time he will be single for it, which is fine but I wish he could have communicated that like an adult, and if that’s the reason why do you think It’s okay to call me out for just being seen with a guy. Is the right move to just go a few days without speaking, give each other some space then see where we both at? Or wait for him to reach out considering?

 

The boldfaced part of your question is where you made a mistake. Do not try to talk about another guy while in bed with a guy.

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You should not reach out to him, you should pull back entirely. If he reaches out, make it clear that a conversation needs to take place. If he does not reach out at all, just let him go.

 

Sounds like he wants "someone" in his life, but don't get used for sex only. Why was he at the festival without you? Running into him there randomly is awkward.

 

Put yourself in the drivers seat this time round, don't let him dictate everything. There has to be give and take.

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Thanks all for the opnions. Much appreciated. Just to clarify when he ran into me I was with my own coworker, not his, but it is HIS colleague who keeps texting me. His colleague keeps texting me even though ive made it clear im not interested in dating him and thought perhaps being honest that I was seeing his colleague would get him off my back without having to be rude and ghost. As it is someone he works with and involves his work life I didn't want to overstep and do that without checking with him first bu from how things transpired I might have been to gracious even assuming that.

 

He was good to me previously and did talk about doing things together in the future.. But I really do think as all of you agreed that he thought I was brining up exclusivity and freaked right out. At this point do you think the right move is for me to wait a few days then tell him how I was confused by his reaction to the conversation at his house, and then how he reacted and texted me afterwards when he saw me out, or given the fact that he made it clear he didn't want to be exclusive should I wait for him to reach out? As inappropriate as I thought it was I do have a little sympathy for the fact that sending me a text like he did might have been somewhat embarrassing the day after so would like to close the loop, whatever ending that brings

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I'll ask again: What do you want? Maybe if you know the answer to that you won't find this all so confusing.

 

As for the colleague? Honestly, whatever. You can shut that down a zillion different ways before having to tell him about this guy. You stop texting with him, for instance, meaning you stop responding. Typically sends a strong message. You tell him you're seeing someone and are not interested—also a strong message. Point being, if you are not interested in him, have no led him on, there shouldn't even be a concern of being "rude" or "ghosting" since there is nothing there. As you're describing it right now, it sounds like you're kind of allowing drama to flourish where there is no need to be.

 

Which, in ways, seems like what you're verging on doing with the guy you're dating. Once you know what you want, for real, it's easy to step in the right direction without all the smoke and mirrors.

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I'll be frank. Someone may have already pointed this out, but I think the whole telling him about the coworker messaging you was a ploy to get him to step up. You were hoping he would lock it down if he felt someone else was after you. Clearly, he didn't respond the way you hoped he would.

 

Let it go. If he cares, he'll make the effort. It's extremely doubtful at this point, though.

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Thanks all for the opnions. Much appreciated. Just to clarify when he ran into me I was with my own coworker, not his, but it is HIS colleague who keeps texting me. His colleague keeps texting me even though ive made it clear im not interested in dating him and thought perhaps being honest that I was seeing his colleague would get him off my back without having to be rude and ghost. As it is someone he works with and involves his work life I didn't want to overstep and do that without checking with him first bu from how things transpired I might have been to gracious even assuming that.

 

He was good to me previously and did talk about doing things together in the future.. But I really do think as all of you agreed that he thought I was brining up exclusivity and freaked right out. At this point do you think the right move is for me to wait a few days then tell him how I was confused by his reaction to the conversation at his house, and then how he reacted and texted me afterwards when he saw me out, or given the fact that he made it clear he didn't want to be exclusive should I wait for him to reach out? As inappropriate as I thought it was I do have a little sympathy for the fact that sending me a text like he did might have been somewhat embarrassing the day after so would like to close the loop, whatever ending that brings

 

I wouldn't wait for him to reach out. Tell him in person though and not via text, email, messenger or voicemail. In person is best. Ask him not to interrupt you and to give you the courtesy to explain exactly what you were going to ask him and ensure him that you are very, very clear with him.

 

Since your colleague is relentless with texting you, give him very polite, fair warning by texting him, "Thank you for asking but I will politely decline dating you." Leave it at that. If he continues to hound you, then text this: "I've already politely declined. If you do not cease texting me regarding this matter, I will no longer reply to your texts. If you do not honor and comply with my request, I will block you. I am giving you fair, nice warning." If he pesters you some more via text, then block him. Give people chances to correct their behavior and if they don't take heed, then it's time to get drastic in order for them to take you seriously and finally get your message crystal clearly.

 

I wouldn't mention to your colleague that you're seeing his colleague. You don't want gossip at your and your other colleague's expense. Maintain a separate life between your professional and personal life. Exercise discretion always.

 

The guy you're dating panicked and jumped to conclusions when you said you needed to ask him something. At the same time, it was wrong of him to be so presumptuous and accusatory. Have a thorough, non-rushed, calm, unemotional conversation at his house. Maintain self control and don't explode in anger no matter what. Put a lid on your temper and never allow differences to escalate.

 

Have a mature discussion so there are no misunderstandings whatsoever. No guessing games for both of you.

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He's an inept communicator. He cuts you off before giving you a chance to ask questions, presumes what you're going to ask and manipulates the conversation. Then he gets what he wants by refusing to answer your presumed question which is quite selfish of him.

 

Next, he jumps to conclusions when he sees you with his co-worker, awkwardly recoils when you hugged him and storms off in a huff like a spoiled little child.

 

As a side note, keep in mind, some people prefer to keep their personal life such as dating / relationships private as opposed to displays of public affection especially in front of colleagues. Some people whether male or female prefer to be discreet. There are times when you need to respect a person's preferences especially in public with colleagues.

 

It sounds as if both of you are getting your wires crossed. Have a frank discussion with him minus any distractions.

 

He's a high maintenance guy and you have to walk on eggshells in order to date and have a relationship with him.

 

I doubt he'll reach out and discuss the root of the problem which is his poor communication style. Reach out to him and if communicating with this guy proves to be too taxing, then ask yourself if he is the one for you or not. Proceed from there.

 

All. Of. This.

 

I was actually about to say something similar. It's such a headache reading your post because first off, he's refusing to let you ask him a question. (What the actual f?), then you are forced to jump to conclusions about why (e.g. "oh, he must have thought I was going to ask for exclusivity, oh noes!") Then the passive-aggressive exchange on both your parts after the festival and all the having to read minds here.... it's all over the place. Just ask what you want to ask. Be straightforward. If he has an issue with you being with a guy, he needs to address that like a grown up. Otherwise you are both wasting each others' time.

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All. Of. This.

 

I was actually about to say something similar. It's such a headache reading your post because first off, he's refusing to let you ask him a question. (What the actual f?), then you are forced to jump to conclusions about why (e.g. "oh, he must have thought I was going to ask for exclusivity, oh noes!") Then the passive-aggressive exchange on both your parts after the festival and all the having to read minds here.... it's all over the place. Just ask what you want to ask. Be straightforward. If he has an issue with you being with a guy, he needs to address that like a grown up. Otherwise you are both wasting each others' time.

 

I was actually coming to YOUR defense. Stop putting up with all his crap and let him go. You deserve a guy who is a an honorable, humble, gracious, very moral man with sincere intentions.

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I was actually coming to YOUR defense. Stop putting up with all his crap and let him go. You deserve a guy who is a an honorable, humble, gracious, very moral man with sincere intentions.

 

I think we both were coming to OP's defence here, Cheryl. Just making sure my reply wasn't taken incorrectly! In complete agreement with what you said in your posts which is why I quoted you above.

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I'll be frank. Someone may have already pointed this out, but I think the whole telling him about the coworker messaging you was a ploy to get him to step up. You were hoping he would lock it down if he felt someone else was after you. Clearly, he didn't respond the way you hoped he would.

 

Let it go. If he cares, he'll make the effort. It's extremely doubtful at this point, though.

 

Agree. If it wasn't, you would have just told his coworker "sorry, i am seeing someone" and you don't even have to say who it was.

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Thanks all for the responses! appreciate it. For his coworker, I did tell him I wasn't interested and that I was seeing someone and he countered with " that's okay we can just be friends" and continued to text me.. That's why I was wanting to bring it up who I was seeing specifically, hoping he'd be a little more respectful given it was his coworker. Regardless though, he did reach out to me after a few days - we've been chatting and its been good but based on what I think as well as the responses I think im just going to have to have a frank face to face with him, and if he's not willing to do that, or says he's not ready then that's that and at least ill know without having to guess and read minds. 3 months is enough time as everyone has said to at least have an idea or where you stand

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