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Thread: Can’t suss the vibe?

  1. #1

    Can’t suss the vibe?

    So I recently went on a city break to visit my brother, and I saw a friend of mine with whom I’d had a bit of a drunken one night stand with about 4 months before. At the time, it seemed like it was just a one time thing, so rather than pursue her I asked her out with some mates for a few drinks, basically to see if she’d be up for going again. She replied saying things got a bit wild last time, and we just left it at that.

    So when I saw her again, we didn’t say all that much about it, but we both kinda made little references to it and laughed and joked about it. No big deal. I got the feeling she liked me at least a little, as she seemed to be -testing me, making fun of my accent and other little things. Nothing that wasn’t playful though, and nothing I didn’t take in my stride.

    Later on, she brought the sex up in conversation quite explicitly, and I reiterated to her again that it was what it was - it was a fun night. I should stress, she was very much the one that initiated it. She agreed with that when I reminded her, but when I also reiterated that I was a little hesitant at the time, saying it might make things weird, she said ‘no you weren’t!’ So there are obviously slight differences in our memories of the NIQ.

    Even though the conversation ended amiably, I started to notice a change in her attitude towards me. She went to chat to a group of guys in a bar for a while and when I went over to get her cos we were leaving, she turned and said ‘you’re just jealous because I’m talking to other men!’.

    She also got really annoyed when I implied that my brother knew that we’d had sex, shouting ‘I told you not to tell anyone!’ - I just said ‘why does it matter if anyone knows? Who cares?’ And she said ‘it’s not that I regret it or anything…’

    We had dinner and she spent time trying to get my attention - but for no real reason, just to get it.

    We got really rather drunk so the rest of the night got a bit hazy, although, I do remember when we got home, she got in to my brother’s bed, which I found a little creepy. I told her to come into the living room with me and I went to cuddle with her - when I ended up trying to come on to her she sent me away to the other sofa.

    The next day I lightheartedly apologised for if I had got a little inappropriate, she just said ‘it’s fine’.

    There were more slightly weird vibes the next day - she asked me to do her little favours like getting water for her etc. none of which I pandered to.

    She then spent loads of time talking about her ideal guy, her previous relationships, and the fact that she could never ‘turn a friend into a boyfriend’. Besides, whenever we were having conversations outside of those topics, she would disagree with everything I said. I said ‘you’re being very contrary today’, and she said ‘I’m only doing it to annoy you’.

    We left for the airport together and she barely spoke to me at all. I said ‘are you ok? You seem a bit pouty’. All she said was ‘I’m just tired’, so I just didn’t ask again and kept myself to myself, not making any effort. We got to the other end and she just walked a few yards ahead of me, not talking to me. When we parted she just gave me a soft hug and ran off.


    I feel like when I played down the fact that we had sex, she may have been expecting me to say something different. Then again, I imagine that attention from men is just a game she plays, and when we don’t play along, she reacts with contempt.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    From your actions it only seems like you're trying to have sex with her again but you're not treating her with any respect that you (or a man) might ordinarily treat a woman he hasn't yet had sex with. She doesn't want to have sex with you again and she doesn't want a relationship with you but you can't seem to think of her as a friend anymore. I think you should try to work out your feelings and if you do care about her stop trying to have sex with her or come on to her. Tell her how you feel respectfully and respect her response if she's not receptive to the idea of dating you. She sounds frustrated when she passed those comments about dating a friend. She's tense and irritable around you because you're shifty and aren't being sincere or open about how you feel. Those emotions might pass if you're both able to actually speak like friends or people who have some trust between the both of you.

    It was inappropriate to tell anyone in your circle you both slept together if she asked for privacy. That was an inconsiderate move on your part: you only showed her what you want and were not respectful of what she might have wanted. This is a giant no-no in relationships and you broke a cardinal rule in the trust sector.

  3. #3
    I didn't tell anyone that we slept together. The night we did sleep together my brother was there, and he would have to have been blind not to figure it out. This is what I meant when I said that he knows.

    She initiated the sex thing and certainly didn't give me any indication whatsoever that she wanted it to be more than that. I felt a little used, if anything but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry - you're completely right and you didn't say that you told your brother. I think it's best at this point to just let things cool down and give her space when you're both out socially together or drinking as friends. Do you have deeper feelings for her or are you just looking at this friendship as a fwb situation? I'm still not clear on that. You're seeming like an opportunist but you're also masking what you really think and feel about her. This type of behaviour generally doesn't go well if you're looking to establish trust with someone. I think she's feeling very iffy about you and not sure she can trust you either.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Can’t suss the vibe?

    OP you are being super gamey with her, and a player, and you wonder why she is irritated with you?

    Also don’t understand why you are analyzing her every move, unless you do really want to date her, in which case stand up and be honest about it.

    If not, seeing as she has made it clear she doesn’t want to sleep with you again, have some respect for her and leave her alone.

  7. #6
    I do like her and I've always had a soft spot for her. When she came on to me originally, I did say a few times that we shouldn't do it as it might complicate things, but she was very persistent, so I eventually agreed to it. The next morning I didn't feel as if it meant much to her beyond a bit of intimacy for the night, she seemed to be trying to make that clear. I guess I was a little disappointed that it was a one time thing but as I said, I'm not going to find an issue with something that's eminently good. She came on the trip knowing it'd be just us three, I was already committed before the fact. I don't feel all that guilty about coming on to her as it's nothing she hasn't done to me before.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    The are some glaring obvious queues in her interactions with you, ones that clearly point in the direction that she will not be involved you again, yet you seem to only focus on the tiny ones in between.

    If I want to get through to a guy who can't take a hint, I start saying things such as this `her ideal guy, her previous relationships, and the fact that she could never ‘turn a friend into a boyfriend’.
    . . . . . . and then I'd send him to sleep on the sofa.

    I can't understand why you can't suss out the vibe here.

  9. #8
    Yeah but that's fine. No reason for her to start being all contemptuous and rude though.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you're not interested, just don't pursue it. She sounds like too much trouble to begin with.


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