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Thread: Am I getting ghosted? Should I say something?

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    Am I getting ghosted? Should I say something?

    Hi. I'm a 21yrs old female and I met this 23yrs old male on tinder over three months ago. We hit it off so well that we started going out semi-regularly and talking every single day ever since. He was the one who called our outings "dates" and I went with it. I was really, really happy. A week ago, he began acting off, being less attentive to my texts. I asked if something was going on. He told me he is having a weird time in his life, but nothing to do with me. Last Friday, he told me he didn't feel like talking because he wasn't in a good mood but would text me later that day (to which i replied i hoped he got better soon and to talk to me about it if he felt like it). I respected it and he never texted me. Am I getting ghosted? I wanted to ask what is up or if he is ghosting me but I don't know if I should? I want to believe what he told me but it feels really off, at this point. We never stood silent for so long

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    He's not ghosting you at all. He's telling you he's not that interested in dating you right now and it's pretty clear from the way he communicated. He is flaky for not texting you later that day. I would give him twice the space he seems to need. He knows you are interested in talking with him i'm sorry he doesn't seem to be that interested anymore. it can happen early on.

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    that hurts to read but i'm sure you are right. thanks for the input.
    i just wish he had been honest when i asked him. i literally asked him if i wasn't "taking the hint" and he told me it was nothing about that. smh i don't understand why people can't simply be honest
    thank u

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    He's not ghosting you at all. He's telling you he's not that interested in dating you right now and it's pretty clear from the way he communicated. He is flaky for not texting you later that day. I would give him twice the space he seems to need. He knows you are interested in talking with him i'm sorry he doesn't seem to be that interested anymore. it can happen early on.
    that hurts to read but i'm sure you are right. thanks for the input.
    i just wish he had been honest when i asked him. i literally asked him if i wasn't "taking the hint" and he told me it was nothing about that. smh i don't understand why people can't simply be honest
    thank u
    do you think i should say something or?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    None of us can say if you're getting ghosted, since we don't have a portal into his mind and intentions. As far as whether you should say something? Well, I think you already have—that you both have—two days ago, when he told you he didn't feel like talking and you said you're around to talk if he feels like it. Can't really do more than that except for hold this space as long as you can, and want to.

    I get the impression this has been a kind of casual, undefined thing? Over the past three months have there been any talks about what you guys are doing, what you want—generally, from each other? Or have you just been going with things, feeling it out? Up to this past week have you felt secure in things?

    What I'd say is give it some more time, but also know your limits. If he's not giving you enough—well, that's that. You don't even need to say something, though if you do it should just be a simple: "Hey, I hope you're sorting out whatever you need to sort out. I've decided that continuing things isn't going to work for me, and wish you the best." But only say that when you're ready to mean it, not when you're looking for some kind of reaction from him.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    None of us can say if you're getting ghosted, since we don't have a portal into his mind and intentions. As far as whether you should say something? Well, I think you already have—that you both have—two days ago, when he told you he didn't feel like talking and you said you're around to talk if he feels like it. Can't really do more than that except for hold this space as long as you can, and want to.

    I get the impression this has been a kind of casual, undefined thing? Over the past three months have there been any talks about what you guys are doing, what you want—generally, from each other? Or have you just been going with things, feeling it out? Up to this past week have you felt secure in things?

    What I'd say is give it some more time, but also know your limits. If he's not giving you enough—well, that's that. You don't even need to say something, though if you do it should just be a simple: "Hey, I hope you're sorting out whatever you need to sort out. I've decided that continuing things isn't going to work for me, and wish you the best." But only say that when you're ready to mean it, not when you're looking for some kind of reaction from him.
    You're right. I just wanted to ask him if he is done with me so I could move on easier, as right now it feels like I'm just sitting and waiting and I can't do anything because this has been weighting in my mind.
    We did not define anything for the past three months. He always called our outings "dates", but nothing specific. We were just getting to know each other as we had spoken about feeling like it's important to know the person before putting labels. I felt secure up until that point, yes
    Thanks for the input

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    Originally Posted by lilymelrosa
    Hi. I'm a 21yrs old female and I met this 23yrs old male on tinder over three months ago. We hit it off so well that we started going out semi-regularly and talking every single day ever since. He was the one who called our outings "dates" and I went with it. I was really, really happy. A week ago, he began acting off, being less attentive to my texts. I asked if something was going on. He told me he is having a weird time in his life, but nothing to do with me. Last Friday, he told me he didn't feel like talking because he wasn't in a good mood but would text me later that day (to which i replied i hoped he got better soon and to talk to me about it if he felt like it). I respected it and he never texted me. Am I getting ghosted? I wanted to ask what is up or if he is ghosting me but I don't know if I should? I want to believe what he told me but it feels really off, at this point. We never stood silent for so long
    Hun, more often than not, people use tinder and those other dating apps for quick easy hookups. He might of been taking you out on occasion but he would still be going on tinder checking things out looking for other women that catches his eye. Most likely hes "dating" a few women at the same time.

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    Originally Posted by rubixcube19
    Hun, more often than not, people use tinder and those other dating apps for quick easy hookups. He might of been taking you out on occasion but he would still be going on tinder checking things out looking for other women that catches his eye. Most likely hes "dating" a few women at a time.
    i understand but i don't think that's the case. he isn't on tinder anymore (yes, i checked, i know it's dumb but i did). he stopped being on tinder been a bit already and we stopped talking through there been a while. thank you for the input though

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the confusion.

    Look, I totally get the frustration. This is the sharp edge of dating—of romance and relationships—and it can cut. But there's a difference between being "honest" and telling someone exactly what they need to hear to be soothed, be it "I'm so into you but my brother is sick and I need 11 more days to myself" or "I'm sorry, but I'm done with you."

    Point is, he's been honest with you. Remember, you get to decide if you're done with him, not the other way around. That's true for something undefined or defined, and remembering that is where we keep our sense of self and agency in these matters. If he's not giving you what you need right now—and it doesn't sound like he is—you can just walk on. And if you're not ready to walk on—no judgement—you kind of sit in this uncomfortable, uncertain space for a minute, to see if he comes around.

    I think these early stages of dating—let's say the first six months—are really about both enjoying yourself while also checking in on how compatible you are. What he's showing right now, assuming the best, is that he shuts you out/shuts down when dealing with conflict. In your shoes that would make me wary of further investing, and that wariness would provide some stability, if that makes sense.

    Use this time, in other words, to ask what you want rather than what's going on with him.

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    Member rubixcube19's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lilymelrosa
    i understand but i don't think that's the case. he isn't on tinder anymore (yes, i checked, i know it's dumb but i did). he stopped being on tinder been a bit already and we stopped talking through there been a while. thank you for the input though
    No problem. Always here to help but very strange! No longer on tinder, took you out on dates and then suddenly hes cold or almost non existent towards you? There is an old saying that some people (both men and women) sometimes employ when it comes to dating and such, which is "treat them mean, keep them keen." He could be doing that or perhaps he found someone, is in fact ghosting you and decided he no longer needed tinder.

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