Am I getting ghosted? Should I say something?

Hi. I'm a 21yrs old female and I met this 23yrs old male on tinder over three months ago. We hit it off so well that we started going out semi-regularly and talking every single day ever since. He was the one who called our outings "dates" and I went with it. I was really, really happy. A week ago, he began acting off, being less attentive to my texts. I asked if something was going on. He told me he is having a weird time in his life, but nothing to do with me. Last Friday, he told me he didn't feel like talking because he wasn't in a good mood but would text me later that day (to which i replied i hoped he got better soon and to talk to me about it if he felt like it). I respected it and he never texted me. Am I getting ghosted? I wanted to ask what is up or if he is ghosting me but I don't know if I should? I want to believe what he told me but it feels really off, at this point. We never stood silent for so long

He's not ghosting you at all. He's telling you he's not that interested in dating you right now and it's pretty clear from the way he communicated. He is flaky for not texting you later that day. I would give him twice the space he seems to need. He knows you are interested in talking with him i'm sorry he doesn't seem to be that interested anymore. it can happen early on.

that hurts to read but i'm sure you are right. thanks for the input.

i just wish he had been honest when i asked him. i literally asked him if i wasn't "taking the hint" and he told me it was nothing about that. smh i don't understand why people can't simply be honest

thank u

He's not ghosting you at all. He's telling you he's not that interested in dating you right now and it's pretty clear from the way he communicated. He is flaky for not texting you later that day. I would give him twice the space he seems to need. He knows you are interested in talking with him i'm sorry he doesn't seem to be that interested anymore. it can happen early on.

that hurts to read but i'm sure you are right. thanks for the input.

i just wish he had been honest when i asked him. i literally asked him if i wasn't "taking the hint" and he told me it was nothing about that. smh i don't understand why people can't simply be honest

thank u

do you think i should say something or?

None of us can say if you're getting ghosted, since we don't have a portal into his mind and intentions. As far as whether you should say something? Well, I think you already have—that you both have—two days ago, when he told you he didn't feel like talking and you said you're around to talk if he feels like it. Can't really do more than that except for hold this space as long as you can, and want to.

I get the impression this has been a kind of casual, undefined thing? Over the past three months have there been any talks about what you guys are doing, what you want—generally, from each other? Or have you just been going with things, feeling it out? Up to this past week have you felt secure in things?

What I'd say is give it some more time, but also know your limits. If he's not giving you enough—well, that's that. You don't even need to say something, though if you do it should just be a simple: "Hey, I hope you're sorting out whatever you need to sort out. I've decided that continuing things isn't going to work for me, and wish you the best." But only say that when you're ready to mean it, not when you're looking for some kind of reaction from him.

None of us can say if you're getting ghosted, since we don't have a portal into his mind and intentions. As far as whether you should say something? Well, I think you already have—that you both have—two days ago, when he told you he didn't feel like talking and you said you're around to talk if he feels like it. Can't really do more than that except for hold this space as long as you can, and want to.

 

I get the impression this has been a kind of casual, undefined thing? Over the past three months have there been any talks about what you guys are doing, what you want—generally, from each other? Or have you just been going with things, feeling it out? Up to this past week have you felt secure in things?

 

What I'd say is give it some more time, but also know your limits. If he's not giving you enough—well, that's that. You don't even need to say something, though if you do it should just be a simple: "Hey, I hope you're sorting out whatever you need to sort out. I've decided that continuing things isn't going to work for me, and wish you the best." But only say that when you're ready to mean it, not when you're looking for some kind of reaction from him.

You're right. I just wanted to ask him if he is done with me so I could move on easier, as right now it feels like I'm just sitting and waiting and I can't do anything because this has been weighting in my mind.

We did not define anything for the past three months. He always called our outings "dates", but nothing specific. We were just getting to know each other as we had spoken about feeling like it's important to know the person before putting labels. I felt secure up until that point, yes

Thanks for the input

Hi. I'm a 21yrs old female and I met this 23yrs old male on tinder over three months ago. We hit it off so well that we started going out semi-regularly and talking every single day ever since. He was the one who called our outings "dates" and I went with it. I was really, really happy. A week ago, he began acting off, being less attentive to my texts. I asked if something was going on. He told me he is having a weird time in his life, but nothing to do with me. Last Friday, he told me he didn't feel like talking because he wasn't in a good mood but would text me later that day (to which i replied i hoped he got better soon and to talk to me about it if he felt like it). I respected it and he never texted me. Am I getting ghosted? I wanted to ask what is up or if he is ghosting me but I don't know if I should? I want to believe what he told me but it feels really off, at this point. We never stood silent for so long

Hun, more often than not, people use tinder and those other dating apps for quick easy hookups. He might of been taking you out on occasion but he would still be going on tinder checking things out looking for other women that catches his eye. Most likely hes "dating" a few women at the same time.

Hun, more often than not, people use tinder and those other dating apps for quick easy hookups. He might of been taking you out on occasion but he would still be going on tinder checking things out looking for other women that catches his eye. Most likely hes "dating" a few women at a time.

i understand but i don't think that's the case. he isn't on tinder anymore (yes, i checked, i know it's dumb but i did). he stopped being on tinder been a bit already and we stopped talking through there been a while. thank you for the input though

Sorry for the confusion.

Look, I totally get the frustration. This is the sharp edge of dating—of romance and relationships—and it can cut. But there's a difference between being "honest" and telling someone exactly what they need to hear to be soothed, be it "I'm so into you but my brother is sick and I need 11 more days to myself" or "I'm sorry, but I'm done with you."

Point is, he's been honest with you. Remember, you get to decide if you're done with him, not the other way around. That's true for something undefined or defined, and remembering that is where we keep our sense of self and agency in these matters. If he's not giving you what you need right now—and it doesn't sound like he is—you can just walk on. And if you're not ready to walk on—no judgement—you kind of sit in this uncomfortable, uncertain space for a minute, to see if he comes around.

I think these early stages of dating—let's say the first six months—are really about both enjoying yourself while also checking in on how compatible you are. What he's showing right now, assuming the best, is that he shuts you out/shuts down when dealing with conflict. In your shoes that would make me wary of further investing, and that wariness would provide some stability, if that makes sense.

Use this time, in other words, to ask what you want rather than what's going on with him.

i understand but i don't think that's the case. he isn't on tinder anymore (yes, i checked, i know it's dumb but i did). he stopped being on tinder been a bit already and we stopped talking through there been a while. thank you for the input though

No problem. Always here to help but very strange! No longer on tinder, took you out on dates and then suddenly hes cold or almost non existent towards you? There is an old saying that some people (both men and women) sometimes employ when it comes to dating and such, which is "treat them mean, keep them keen." He could be doing that or perhaps he found someone, is in fact ghosting you and decided he no longer needed tinder.

I would not bother texting him anything anymore, least of all asking him if he is done, or telling him you are done.

I mean, what's the point, it's already done via what he told you last Friday, and his silence since, which speaks volumes!

As such, there is no need to tell him you're done, except to elicit some sort of a reaction.

Don't do it.

Ghosting? Fading? Who cares.

He's no longer interested, for whatever reason, and no I would not give anything more time, consider it over, start meeting and dating other men and move on.

I'm sorry.

Agree with Katrina...

People fall out of attraction for so many reasons...and they will tell you none of them. lol

That's just how dating is. An actual relationship is communication, and the will to want to work on something....but dating is just flaky feelings on a whim for some people. There's no need for an uncomfortable conversation telling someone else they weren't good enough for whatever reason.

You're right. I just wanted to ask him if he is done with me so I could move on easier, as right now it feels like I'm just sitting and waiting and I can't do anything because this has been weighting in my mind.

We did not define anything for the past three months. He always called our outings "dates", but nothing specific. We were just getting to know each other as we had spoken about feeling like it's important to know the person before putting labels. I felt secure up until that point, yes

Thanks for the input

Wanna know the secret to moving on easier OP? Don't attach your actions to the thoughts and feelings of another person, especially someone you have only known for 3 months. In other words, don't wait around for him to decide where he wants the relationship to go... if it isn't going the way you want it to, if he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, make the decision to move on for yourself.

Why does it matter his reasons for being distant? You don't want to date someone who keeps you guessing about their interest. Don't reach out. He either met someone he wanted to get more serious with or he's decided he doesn't want to move forward with you.

I wish more people understood that when someone really likes you and wants to date you, it's obvious. If you're scratching your head trying to figure them out, it's usually not a good sign.

In my experience there are 3 milestones in dating -

After the first 3 months, you've either gelled or you haven't. You decide if this is something that has legs or it's run it's course.

After 6 months you step back and reconsider whether you are in this for the long haul.

And after one year, you hopefully know this person well enough and are both on the same page to continue on indefinitely. (what ever that may be)

I noticed this a long time ago and also noticed the shift at these intervals, 3 and 6 months and of course, one year. The 3 month one was always the most obvious. There is often a pause when someone including myself, steps back to reevaluate.

Try to not let it rattle you and just keep busy with your life in the meantime.

In my experience there are 3 milestones in dating -

 

After the first 3 months, you've either gelled or you haven't. You decide if this is something that has legs or it's run it's course.

After 6 months you step back and reconsider whether you are in this for the long haul.

And after one year, you hopefully know this person well enough and are both on the same page to continue on indefinitely. (what ever that may be)

I noticed this a long time ago and also noticed the shift at these intervals, 3 and 6 months and of course, one year.

 

The 3 month one was always the most obvious. There is often a pause when someone including myself, steps back to reevaluate.

 

Try to not let it rattle you and just keep busy with your life in the meantime.

Some very good points here^. Which, being in a relationship for 1.5 years, I had forgotten about, thanks reinvent for reminding me. :)

So I am going to modify my earlier post.

I don't know why but there is something about that three month mark that causes anxiety in some people and they "pull back."

To reevaluate, decide where they want things to go, whatever. It's called ambivalence and it does not have to mean "the end." Just a stepping back to reevaluate.

Your actions now are crucial to the outcome. If you become needy and clingy, seeking reassurance etc. you push him away further, perhaps for good.

If you leave him alone, give him the space to figure stuff out, and simply live your life, do your own thing, you send him the message you are a strong girl who won't fall to pieces if it ends.

This alleviates some of the pressure he is most likely feeling, and may bring him closer to you. Wanting to kick things up a notch.

If you act insecure, needy, clingy, asking questions, seeking reassurance, you push him further out.

John Gray writes all about this "uncertainty/ambivalent" stage in his books. What it means and how to react to it, for both men and women. It's quite common actually.

Yes me too. And as my friends wife said years ago - at two months of dating it’s nothing yet - I mean unless there’s a commitment conversation. I really don’t like labeling people as ghosts simply because they don’t say specific magic words. Silence is lack of interest and he expressed lukewarm interest in keeping in touch. Give yourself closure.

It sounds like it never got to the exclusive dating stage so he may be meeting/talking to others. Just pull back and don't pursue. You may never know what really happened.

three months ago. We hit it off so well that we started going out semi-regularly and talking every single day ever since.

In my experience, even if things picked back up again after the "pull back," what resulted was an incessant round of "on and off" before one of us (usually me, if I was the one hoping for things to be ON) got hurt.

No matter what happens, generally speaking when someone pulls back this hard it's the end of the road and you'd do yourself a favour by accepting this is not going to work and moving on.

The line you wrote - “I didn’t call them dates, he did and I went with it!” is so telling it’s not even funny.

Why are you on tinder trying to backdoor your way into a Relationship? You could easily get on a more relationship oriented site and state your boundaries and expectations and actually get a man who wants to be a relationship.

Why are you give away all your power and waiting to be chosen instead of doing the choosing?

I would not reach out, he asked for space and it’s apparently triggering some anxiety and insecurities in you but that has nothing to do with him. It’s only been a couple of days you’ve only been dating for a few months. I agree with blue, we don’t know what’s in his head and we don’t know if he’s ghosting you, what we do know is this was a semi casual/maybe getting serious very Grey situation and you aren’t cut out for it, so when/if he reaches back out, state your boundaries state your dating goals, you want a relationship clearly, own that, if he’s not on the same page, it’s your gain because you would have been wasting your time trying to backdoor your way into a relationship with a guy who never made that an option.

that hurts to read but i'm sure you are right. thanks for the input.

i just wish he had been honest when i asked him. i literally asked him if i wasn't "taking the hint" and he told me it was nothing about that. smh i don't understand why people can't simply be honest

thank u

People aren't always graceful when you're honest with them. You get beggers, "Please give me another chance", you get angry people, "You a**hole, how dare you dump me". And at the end of the day hurting and dissapointing someone is unpleasant. Some people avoid it by just quitely slipping away.

My spell check isn't werking.

People aren't always graceful when you're honest with them. You get beggers, "Please give me another chance", you get angry people, "You a**hole, how dare you dump me". And at the end of the day hurting and dissapointing someone is unpleasant. Some people avoid it by just quitely slipping away.

 

My spell check isn't werking.

And I've experienced harassment too.

Sounds like he has a 'weird' side to him tbh, as a guy I wouldn't do that to anyone unless something 'bad' actually had happened and even then it would be good to speak with the person I am 'seeing' as we are having a great time together. I would feel that I owe her a explanation at least unless I really stopped caring.

I would expect that after maybe a week or two of meeting to be owed nothing but not a few months, I would be quite annoyed and would be upfront and ask what has happened? I mean your not trying to solve a criminal case only find out why he's gone so cold respectfully, but he may not even reply or reply with something you may not like. It's your call if you think hes worth the chase or give him space and let him come to you but Im not sure I could fully trust some one after that.

He's not ghosting, that would require nothing from him, he'd just dip. He told you something is going on, give him his space. Maybe hes dealing with something else in his life and cant focus on dating at the moment. You focus on yourself and he returns with an explanation or apology then decide to proceed. Otherwise, ignore and do you. You did nothing wrong.