26, sex and intimacy-adverse, but I don't want to die alone.

I'm 26, female and pretty normal. I don't think I'm bad-looking and I get along with most people I meet, so it's not like I'm hard to talk to. What I don't understand is how most people I know go in and out of relationships and all that just never happens to me.

It's likely due to my extreme aversion to sex and physical intimacy. Kissing disgusts me, and besides platonic hugging I'm really not comfortable with being held. All that would be fine and dandy, but I want to feel like I have that mental connection and closeness with someone. I want to feel like I can love someone and they love me back. I don't know what to do sometimes. I'm Asian and in my culture, woman are considered 'old' and 'left on the shelf' at age 30. I'm approaching that age, I feel like my chances of finding someone will be even slimmer once I hit it, and I don't want to die alone with no one bothering to show up at my funeral. I don't want to be that lonely old person whose friends are too busy with their kids and grandkids to come visit. At the rate I'm going, this is my reality.

I've only been on 2 dates in my life. The first guy was a creep, so that was never going to work. The second guy was pretty alright. I felt no spark though; in fact, even though he was good-looking and nice, I was disgusted at the thought of being with him. It's definitely more a 'me' problem. At age 13 I would get crushes so easily, but after being heavily bullied because I crushed too hardly on a boy who didn't like me, I came out of that ordeal unable to feel any passion at all. I feel like for me to feel anything close to 'affection', you have to max out our social link ... meaning, I need to feel extremely close and comfortable with the person. Forging such a close connection with someone is hard enough -- for both people to coincidentally also like each other that way? That's the same as winning the lottery for me. Going into a relationship with someone - something normal people do every day - is as difficult as winning the lottery for me.

I don't know what to do. I've considered seeing a psychologist, but I don't have the money right now. I've tried dating apps for years, but I get bored so easily of the small talk and I never feel excited or interested to talk to anyone. I also become really disgusted with the conversation becomes somewhat sexual or even when the other person calls me 'cute'.

I'm 26, female and pretty normal. I don't think I'm bad-looking and I get along with most people I meet, so it's not like I'm hard to talk to. What I don't understand is how most people I know go in and out of relationships and all that just never happens to me.

 

It's likely due to my extreme aversion to sex and physical intimacy. Kissing disgusts me, and besides platonic hugging I'm really not comfortable with being held. All that would be fine and dandy, but I want to feel like I have that mental connection and closeness with someone. I want to feel like I can love someone and they love me back. I don't know what to do sometimes. I'm Asian and in my culture, woman are considered 'old' and 'left on the shelf' at age 30. I'm approaching that age, I feel like my chances of finding someone will be even slimmer once I hit it, and I don't want to die alone with no one bothering to show up at my funeral. I don't want to be that lonely old person whose friends are too busy with their kids and grandkids to come visit. At the rate I'm going, this is my reality.

 

I've only been on 2 dates in my life. The first guy was a creep, so that was never going to work. The second guy was pretty alright. I felt no spark though; in fact, even though he was good-looking and nice, I was disgusted at the thought of being with him. It's definitely more a 'me' problem. At age 13 I would get crushes so easily, but after being heavily bullied because I crushed too hardly on a boy who didn't like me, I came out of that ordeal unable to feel any passion at all. I feel like for me to feel anything close to 'affection', you have to max out our social link ... meaning, I need to feel extremely close and comfortable with the person. Forging such a close connection with someone is hard enough -- for both people to coincidentally also like each other that way? That's the same as winning the lottery for me. Going into a relationship with someone - something normal people do every day - is as difficult as winning the lottery for me.

 

I don't know what to do. I've considered seeing a psychologist, but I don't have the money right now. I've tried dating apps for years, but I get bored so easily of the small talk and I never feel excited or interested to talk to anyone. I also become really disgusted with the conversation becomes somewhat sexual or even when the other person calls me 'cute'.

Well aren't you in a pickle. You seem articulate, educated and intelligent. I enjoyed reading your post. I am sorry you are going through this. Almost the entire post, I was thinking "what's happened to this woman to make her not enjoy physical contact" and then I read the part about you being bullied. Is that honestly the reason why your soul is crushed?

You actually seem like the perfect girlfriend to me. Sexual contact is quite low on my priorities and I would never have to worry about you doing the more .. amoral .. things that people do! I do like affection and cuddles though. Anyway, sorry. I would say most definitely, a psychologist is the way to go. Trust me, you are not alone in being in your 30's and still single. Many of us exist out there. I know this might be difficult but the culture thing you mentioned? Trust me, if you get some of your issues addressed and if you are half way decent looking and as intelligent as I think you are, someone decent will snap you up in a heart beat. 30 is still young.

You should find the money for therapy as you certainly need it, which you do realize. You cant solve this problem on your own.

Everything you describe is what most people feel while dating or meeting new people whom they're not compatible with and end up rolling their eyes and having a good laugh in the end. Loosen/lighten up a little and learn to laugh at yourself, appreciate the small and big things and don't act so uptight that you end up getting fed up with yourself because of your own attitude.

It's perfectly ok to want a level of connection with someone before being intimate. You should never have to feel pressured to lock lips with someone you simply don't like in the first place. The marriage/baby thing and the pressure involved is turning you into a pressure cooker and pessimism/tunnel vision is generally not an attractive trait. Be at peace. If you haven't lived or done all the other things you want to do, now's the time. Don't stay immobilized and fearful.

This post is meant as encouraging. I hope you find peace and joy and eventually make peace with yourself and your world.

It's likely due to my extreme aversion to sex and physical intimacy. Kissing disgusts me, and besides platonic hugging I'm really not comfortable with being held. All that would be fine and dandy, but I want to feel like I have that mental connection and closeness with someone. I want to feel like I can love someone and they love me back.

OP if you want to feel love from someone you need to learn how to show it... physically and emotionally. You won't find anyone that will be satisfied with a one sided relationship where they are doing all of the giving / coaxing and getting nothing in return from you.

I will also suggest that this behavior / thought pattern isn't "fine and dandy"... it's keeping you separated and disconnected from experiencing love and affection. You can survive without it as you currently are, but if you want to thrive you need to walk through the fear and overcome this challenge.

Seek professional help, there are resources for people that don't have a lot of money.

I went through a similar situation for similar reasons, in many unhappy relationships, until I was ready to work on myself. Sometimes I wish I had done so sooner but I also don't think I was ready before now. The work I had to do to get through that fear and pain was unquestionably worth the reward as I am able to express and receive love in ways I didn't think possible.

"Fear of intimacy." Getting intimately close with another human being.

I don't mean just sexually but emotionally, mentally.

Not all that uncommon and I agree with others, no one here, unless they are psychologist, can unravel this for you.

It's deep stuff that requires help from a professional specializing in intimacy and commitment fears, and a willingness on your part to want that help.

There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone has their own timeline, you don't need to compete with those around you, and especially don't consider yourself washed up if you reach 30 and don't have someone on your arm yet. Our cultures are the source of so many lies and unnecessary pain.

It sounds like you might also be asexual. So if you were to compare yourself to others, at the very least you should be comparing yourself to other asexuals. I don't have any experience dating as an asexual. I've definitely had my own struggles dating as a politically liberal christian in America with a conservative lifestyle. Finding just the right person is absolutely more difficult for some of us than it is for everyone, so try to go easy on yourself.

When I started really focusing on online dating, it was something like messaging 100 girls, to find 5 who would respond, to find 1 who I even cared to go meet in person, who most of the time was not a good match. So I'd have to do that process multiple times before I found cool people. But I did find cool people. And dating so many really helped me learn about myself and get more comfortable with others. As someone who was pretty shy before that, it's been really transformative. And led to my current relationship.

It could be that rather than being asexual, you have some past trauma (like the bullying you mention) that is preventing you from intimacy. If that's the case, than yes, you will probably need to unravel that before you will really be free to date.

Quick questions, where you hugged as a child? What were signs of affection in your family? The way we were treated when young can potentially explain why in the present we are a certain way.

The best people to handle stuff like that are competent psychologists.

Unfortunately you're creating your own catch-22. You want someone to love you, respect you, be close to you, feel a connection with etc but you are unwilling or unable to offer that. Hard to say if you are asexual or have some other issues. Since this is distressing you, it seems being asexual is not a choice but a default reaction to other not yet diagnosed, unaddressed issues. Get good checkup from a doctor. Perhaps that will get the ball rolling to integrate what you want and how you feel.

I feel like for me to feel anything close to 'affection', you have to max out our social link ... meaning, I need to feel extremely close and comfortable with the person. Forging such a close connection with someone is hard enough -- for both people to coincidentally also like each other that way?