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Thread: I can't do this anymore

  1. #1
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    I can't do this anymore

    Hello,

    I got dumped 10 days ago. This was the 3th time my ex-GF (24) dumped me. I'm 28 years old and I feel like I have wasted 4 precious years of my life on someone who doesn't deserve my love.

    She first dumped me in may 2015 to go back to her ex-BF (exactly 1 day after she dumped me, she was back together with her ex, like ?), 4 months later we got back together. She explained to me that she made a big mistake and that she knew I was the one for her. Eventually I believed her and we stayed together for 3 years. We had a very good 3 years, her family loved me, my friends loved her and we became best friends and lovers.
    Until the beginning of 2018 I noticed something was off. She wasn't that in love anymore, she didn't do that much effort to see me and finally in september 2018 she broke up with me.
    I was completely heartbroken, didn't know what to do with my life. I never thought she would end us, I thought we were one of those couples who would stayed together until the end..

    I focused my healing on getting her back. I tried to be positive, to do cool things, to be the person she once fell in love for. I went out every day of the weekend.
    I think the problem was that I didn't focused on my own healing, I just wanted to proof to her that I was okay.

    Six months later I was doing okay. I still loved her, but apparently she was sleeping around with a lot of guys, so I tried to move on and forget her. My family also warned me to not get back together because history had proven she would hurt my feelings again.. I wouldn't say I was happy 6 months later, but I certainly wasn't unhappy anymore. I realized that their was a life for me without her and slowly the memories of her fainted away. But deep down, I was still waiting for her..

    We broke up for 7 months and got back together in march 2019. She said she missed me and missed the stability I offered in her life. We promised to communicate much more than in the past. And not make the same mistakes we once made.
    Things were great again for 3 months, she even insisted on going on a holiday. I thought it was soon, but I saw she didn't like it that I doubt her intentions, so we went on a holiday.

    The holiday was great, our best one so far. But when we came back she apparently told a friend of hers that the old problems of the previous relationship were coming back. (I did not felt this way at all) 3 days later she broke up with me for the 3th time over the phone. I asked for a final conversation face to face to talk about things, but she said she didn't had the energy for this. She needed to focus on her own problems (she is seeing a psychologist for 3 months but won't tell anyone why, not even her mother) and she didn't had time for "our problems". After she dumped me she went out 2 nights in a row until morning and this weekend she did the same thing. It hurts my feelings a lot, hearing that she is doing "well". How can you tell someone that you love him so much and you'll stay by his side forever and break up with him 3 days later? I really don't get it, it kills me inside :(.

    My family says she's a toxic person, who is egocentric. My grandparents, parents and sister told me to never talk to her again. I know they are right, but it hurts so much. Somewhere deep down I still love her and I want her to come to my house today and tell me she made a stupid mistake so all of this pain inside can go away :(. My family also warned me that she would come back again, like she has always done in the past after some months of NC.
    I even talked to her ex'es and they told me the same thing happened to them. She can make you feel like you are the best person on the world, but can walk away later on like it's nothing for her.

    I gave everything for this person, even more that I could give. She was the love of my life. How will I ever find someone again?
    Did someone else felt this way once? Help me :(

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    My family also warned me to not get back together because history had proven she would hurt my feelings again.

    My family also warned me that she would come back again, like she has always done in the past after some months of NC.

    I even talked to her ex'es and they told me the same thing happened to them.

    My family says she's a toxic person, who is egocentric. My grandparents, parents and sister told me to never talk to her again. I know they are right.
    I'm glad you have finally reached a point where you know that your family are right, because they are!

    This time you need to listen to them. If you get back with her again you're broadcasting to everyone that you're a pathetic fool who will keep going back to someone that repeatedly hurts him. Don't be that guy.



    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    She was the love of my life. How will I ever find someone again?
    You've only been with her for 4 years, during which time she has dumped you 3 times. She's not the love of your life. It may feel like it now, but she isn't.

    And you will find someone again, but it's pointless to look for another serious relationship until you are fully over this one.

    The way to do that is by going no-contact. But do it properly this time. However you have been finding out that she's going out on weekends etc, you need to block that out also. No checking up on her social media etc. Completely cut her out.

    Hard to do I know, but it's the fastest way to start moving on.

    And obviously don't respond to her when she tries to come back into your life, which she will do after her next fling doesn't work out.



    Good luck!

  3. #3
    Member rubixcube19's Avatar
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    @Pikachu. I don't say this often but that, good fellow, is a rotten apple. I don't know if she has been damaged by someone or more than one person before you or if she's just a rotten apple and always has been but it appears she gets what she wants from you, gets herself feeling stable then moves on. She gets what she needs from the next guy (or they get what they need from her and discard her) and she comes trotting right back to you to get stable again. That is, apart from the 3 years. That part is interesting to me. If I were you, I would change my number, get rid of all social media and maybe even change my address if shes likely to rock up on your doorstep at any stage, and forget her.

    Failing that, if you at some stage feel like you will get back with her, go and see a psychologist together, not a couples therapist but someone with a degree who can help map out her behaviour and get to the root cause of why shes doing this to you. She will continue to use you as a door mat until you leave or she gets help.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by rubixcube19
    @Pikachu. I don't say this often but that, good fellow, is a rotten apple. I don't know if she has been damaged by someone or more than one person before you or if she's just a rotten apple and always has been but it appears she gets what she wants from you, gets herself feeling stable then moves on. She gets what she needs from the next guy (or they get what they need from her and discard her) and she comes trotting right back to you to get stable again. That is, apart from the 3 years. That part is interesting to me. If I were you, I would change my number, get rid of all social media and maybe even change my address if shes likely to rock up on your doorstep at any stage, and forget her.

    Failing that, if you at some stage feel like you will get back with her, go and see a psychologist together, not a couples therapist but someone with a degree who can help map out her behavior and get to the root cause of why shes doing this to you. She will continue to use you as a door mat until you leave or she gets help.
    She has been in 3 relationships so far, and she broke up with each 3 of us a minimum of 2 times. She has never been dumped herself. So all together, I think she ended a LT-relationship 6 or 7 times. And always with the same excuse; I can't be myself, you don't understand me.

    The problem with her is, that if you point something out that you don't like about her behavior, she can't seem to put herself in her partner's perspective. She always responds with the same thing: You don't understand me, I can't be myself.

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    I'm sorry but taking someone back that obv cheated on you with her ex was a dumb mistake. You became the safety net and it was so easy to sway you. Have more self respect next time and never let someone discard you like that repeatedly and still go back.

    Dumping you on the phone was such bs, she clearly didn't respect you, but then please learn from this and never do this again. Block her, you need to be done with her constantly using and abusing your heart. Stay away and love yourself more.

  7. #6
    Member EclipseCross's Avatar
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    I understand you completely. I broke up with my boyfriend (the first love of my life) 6 months ago, we were together for more than 8 years. I was really afraid to be single/alone, but as you can see Iím alive and well. I'm not saying break ups are easy, but with every day it gets a little better.
    Cut her out of your life and focus on yourself. Good luck!

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    She has been in 3 relationships so far, and she broke up with each 3 of us a minimum of 2 times. She has never been dumped herself. So all together, I think she ended a LT-relationship 6 or 7 times. And always with the same excuse; I can't be myself, you don't understand me.

    The problem with her is, that if you point something out that you don't like about her behavior, she can't seem to put herself in her partner's perspective. She always responds with the same thing: You don't understand me, I can't be myself.
    Pathological insecurity at it's finest. She pushes people away before they have a chance to push her away. Something made her like this. She really needs some help if she is ever to be happy in a relationship.

  9. #8
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    She is not the love of your life, OP. You must stop selling yourself that story. It's a false narrative.

    The love of your life wouldn't dump you three times and treat you like her toy. You desperately need to stay away from this woman, and start working on you. Your self-esteem has taken a beating and you have lowered your standards far too much. She can't make the pain go away when she is one causing your pain.

    If she comes back, be prepared for this to happen all over again. She isn't in love with you; not in the way someone should be to sustain a healthy and long-term relationship, anyway. She will thus bounce again when she's had her fill of you.

    Time to stop wasting your life on her. You're still very young with plenty of better options, if you'll let yourself open up to them. She isn't the one you're going to eventually settle down with, so it's better to get off the merry-go-round now before all the horses fly off the wheel.

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    I just want to give you a hug and tell that everything will be alright - because it will!

    I have maybe not been in your exact situation, but wanting to be with somebody that you know is bad for you is a very familiar feeling. And knowing that she is bad for you is not the same as feeling it, but it is a step of the way I think.

    She was not THE love of your life. She's probably just one of the women you will love in your life. Even if it seems like the most incomprehensible thing right know - you will fall in love again, because that is just how our biology works. Take it from someone who thought they would never fall in love again after my boyfriend of 10 years broke up 1,5 year ago and who is now heartbroken about someone else (jippi right?) :) And don't look at this as wasted years or a failure in a any way. This was just as long as your relationship with her was meant to last. You know some love stories are novels, some a short stories and some limericks. There is nothing wrong with either and none are wasted, because you learn something about what you want or don't want in a relationship, you learn about yourself and how you act in some situations and with certain types of people. It all adds up and makes you wiser.

    So hang in there - and as others have said, cut the contact with her at least for a while. I know that it sucks! But it really is the best way to get over someone. And you are allowed to think that the world is incredibly unfair for putting you through this - I think it is too, but I still believe that it might all make sense some day :)

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    In our 20's we tend to go through what they call kharmic relationships, those relationship that we almost know we should not be in, but we cannot seem to help outselves with. These are often on and off again relationships that are not destined to last.

    What the do for us is help us realch a breaking point, that point where we understand out limits of what we wand and what we are not prepared to accept. In a sense they are supposed to happen for us to learn, and they are supposed to end.

    So, it feels bad yes that you seemed to have wasted this time with this person, but that is just the misery of the breakup talking. In a year, when you look back on this relationship, you will have been hindsight of what went on and how it has actually improved your life.

    All I can suggest is to stop the blame game and kick start the healing process as soon as you can. The sooner you heal, the sooner you will likely be ready and open for a more stable and happier relationship. Just a warning, if you do not heal fully, or jump in with someone else in an attempt to heal that way, and you will just end up in another kharmic relationship destined to end. Do yourself a favour and get to know yourself again fully. And when you are ready, and you are in a better place, the right kind of people will start to appear in your surroundings.

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