What can I do about my husband being so close to another girl?

My husband has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even more intimate than I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.

A few questions:

1) How long has he known this woman, and why are you only meeting her now?

2) How exactly were they intimate even though there was no physical interaction?

3) Why is the option of leaving him even in your mind at this point? Are there other problems between you two?

My husband has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even more intimate than I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.

It's like the other thread all over again.

You don't NEED to do anything? If he wanted to be with his friend, he would be. Having a close female friend is just the same as having a close male friend. I have both a male best friend and a female best friend, I see and interact with the female best friend more because not only are we closer as best friends but she lives in the same town as me, while he doesn't.

Do you know how many relationships iv'e lost or have had them non starting all because of - for lack of a better description - petty jealousy? To this day she is still my best friend and that is the way it's going to stay no matter what. I know she won't leave me, I can war with her (and have done) .. can yell and scream at each other till we are blue in the face but still later, when things calm down, make up and be stronger than ever but you cant say that about a girlfriend. I would never put a ring on a woman's finger unless they accepted her as family as well. I wouldn't throw 22 years of friendship away for something as ridiculous as that.

I mean if hes cheating, sure, throw him to the wolves. Iv'e been cheated on and that behaviour disgusts me, and trust me, you would know if he was cheating, they all get caught in the end but to be close to the opposite sex and have the partner get all wierd about it is absolutely infuriating!

I wanted to take my now ex to Hawaii for a holiday and it just so happened that my best friend and her husband at the time were there. Well. Didn't the biggest ever melt down happen. And over what? It was so pathetic. Then once they left, she wanted to go and I just ignored it.

Ill never let that crap ever happen ever again. I am a package deal with her.

And rubix, much like the other thread, you're projecting your own negative experience and jumping to conclusions without knowing virtually any details or context.

We have nowhere near enough information here to deduce that it's all in her head and she just needs to get over it.

Why not let the OP fill in the blanks before assuming it's all her fault and she's too jealous? I say that as a woman with a couple very close and totally platonic male friends, too. There are plenty of people who manage opposite-sex friendships just fine, but there are plenty who toy with boundaries and blur the lines too. Let's wait until OP gives some more details before deciding what's what in her case.

And rubix, much like the other thread, you're projecting your own negative experience and jumping to conclusions without knowing virtually any details or context.

 

We have nowhere near enough information here to deduce that it's all in her head and she just needs to get over it.

 

Why not let the OP fill in the blanks before assuming it's all her fault and she's too jealous? I say that as a woman with a couple very close and totally platonic male friends, too. There are plenty of people who manage opposite-sex friendships just fine, but there are plenty who toy with boundaries and blur the lines too. Let's wait until OP gives some more details before deciding what's what in her case.

Hmpf. Finnne. I will try it your way.

I just think though, with the wording she used (and yes I did read the entire thread this time), nothing indicates foul play. If they wanted to be alone together and go out of there way without keeping her in the loop, yeah that's a no-no but this just doesn't seem the case?

A few questions:

 

1) How long has he known this woman, and why are you only meeting her now?

2) How exactly were they intimate even though there was no physical interaction?

3) Why is the option of leaving him even in your mind at this point? Are there other problems between you two?

I think answering these questions will give us more to go on...

We really don’t know at this point, rubix.

I have been on both sides of the coin. My current partner has platonic, long-time female friends. I’m totally fine with it, and have become friendly with them too.

A long-term ex of mine also had a female friend, they worked together. I met her on several occasions, never saw an issue. Imagine my shock when I discovered they were indeed having an affair.

My point? These types of friendships can go both ways. Without knowing any more details, we can’t fairly conclude whether her husband is being inappropriate or whether OP is simply insecure.

We really don’t know at this point, rubix.

 

A long-term ex of mine also had a female friend, they worked together. I met her on several occasions, never saw an issue. Imagine my shock when I discovered they were indeed having an affair. My point? These types of friendships can go both ways. Without knowing any more details, we can’t fairly conclude whether her husband is being inappropriate or whether OP is simply insecure.

OK. Ill give you that and concede. I'll try to stay away from threads like this for the time being until I know I can be more objective.

It is pretty easy arguing a point about someone else's relationship, heck it is almost kind of fun. I have never been to a forum like this before so it's probably still an adjustment for me. I don't mean anyone any disrespect with my opinions. I just hope one day I can help someone here, or console them. That would make everything worth while for me.

Ask your husband why he married you? You should be enough of a female friend for him, someone to completely confide in, be intimate with (not referring to physically in this context), be he partner, be close to, be best friends, talk to each other a lot and isn't this why you two are married?

If your husband wants to be so close to this female friend, he shouldn't have married you in the first place. Tell him that. I doubt he'd be comfortable if you did the same thing with a male friend. Why bother being married then? Stand back and look at the big picture.

There's a problem if he needs to seek female friendship outside you. Address the issue of what is wrong with you two as a couple and why he has the need to seek very close female friendship other than with you.

Also, I highly recommend professional marriage counseling because being close to the opposite gender outside marriage to the point of unreasonable needs to be addressed. It's something you either can both agree upon or work on your marriage itself so you'll enjoy each others company as opposed to seeking it elsewhere outside marriage.

I agree (with MissCanuck). I think answering MissCanucks questions would be very helpful, OP.

If she has been a close friend for many years, would she not have been at the wedding? Why are you only meeting her now? Is this a “new” close friend?

The fear behind the question is infidelity. There is a fine line between protecting your marriage and being controlling. The problem is if you are too controlling - telling him who he can or can not be friends with - you could lose him anyways. So - while infidelity can happen with anyone, it’s about assessing levels of risk (non-emotionally).

At the end of the day, though, if leaving is not an option than ultimately you are saying you will accept anything. The only thing you can do is express your feelings and hope your partner is sensitive to that.

At the end of the day, though, if leaving is not an option than ultimately you are saying you will accept anything. The only thing you can do is express your feelings and hope your partner is sensitive to that.

All you can do is express your feelings. Be honest that you are feeling insecure after observing their level of intimacy. Hopefully he is willing to have an open conversation with you about it vs. being rigid and unwilling to hear what you have to say. And hopefully going forward he is willing to be more mindful of their interactions and the impact that has on you. If not? Well you have already decided that leaving isn't an option so you will be forced to accept their relationship for what it is and find ways to deal with your feelings appropriately.

Every affair partner is "just a friend". At some level that is what you fear, no?

When reading what you wrote, the first things that popped into my head were: Do you believe that your husband could cheat and why? How would you describe your marriage? Are you both doing okay?

My husband has a number of very close female friends. One of them was the one who introduced us to begin with, and he was likewise very close with her (and still is, btw). To say I have never ever questioned his fidelity in our relationship is the understatement of the year.

I, like the others, would love to know more about the specifics that make you so certain he'd cheat. However, my feeling is that when you are so certain your partner would, and that another female in his life as a friend is a threat, there's something going wrong in the relationship regardless of whether or not your partner actually has (or would) cheat.

If you yourself have some deep rooted insecurities about partners cheating, you need to get to the bottom of those issues with therapy before they ruin an otherwise healthy partnership. If your husband has (truly) displayed behaviours that make you question his loyalty to you and how much you can actually trust him, then that's just something else entirely. But without knowing more, we can't advise you adequately.

Rubixcube, you've popped into every single thread involving *inapropriate* relationships with such a vengeance, I seriously wonder what is going on with you. I think you are desperately trying to justify your orbiting, crushing, swooning, and inappropriate relationships for yourself, and trying to justify this by trying to convince everyone to comply with your sense of nonsensical normal...that people should comply with their significant other or spouse/boyfriend or girlfriend flirting, snuggling, touching, and flirting with their "best friend" because they're "just friends" because that's what you have and you are completely delusional on how wrong this type of relationship is...which you know deep down, but you really don't want to grasp it or accept it...you are fighting this with teeth and claws..

I would like to ask you, Mr. Rubixcube....do you touch and cuddle and share secrets and behave flirtatiously with *all* of your friends, and do you cuddle and snuggle and flirt with your GUY friends? When was the last time you snuggled on the sofa with Bob and brushed his hair or massaged his sore muscles with a hug and then shared a long intimate walk together, with some touching, hand holding, and did you prioritize Bob before potential date with an actual potential mate...like a first date or "meet"...nope, gotta do the evening walk with Bob, my buddy?

Serious question?

Or do you just behave this way with this ONE female friend of yours who you claim to be your BFF and it's "platonic"?

I think you are an orbiter in denial. You have a love or a crush on your so-called BFF. This BFF accepts all of your attention and affection while keeping you firmly planted in the friendzone. As such, you consider flirting and touching and brushing hair and emotional intimacy with someone else (other than your partner) as "normal."

It is not normal.

It is not acceptable.

You'll probably have to lose a good number of potential mates who dump you over your BFF (love interest) before you realize your boundaries suck big purple twinkies, and you fix it.

You so-called BFF will drop you faster than a hot box of rocks when you stop catering to her ego and stop offering her your affections because you keep losing girls over her. Women worth their salt will not tolerate you being intimate with another woman.

You are an orbiter, Rubix.

Sorry to hijack your post, OP.

OP, You have some serious issues to contend with. I would not manage the situation well with what you are going through. Things are wrong...really wrong. You need to have a discussion, and use a mediator. Invite this girl to dinner, plop her into your marriage...here it is. If your husband is cheating, you have a huge decision to make.

My husband has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even more intimate than I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.

The fact that you "Decided to meet her" vs she is friends with you as a couple, etc. The fact that he never introduced her reeks.

A married man should not have any female friends his wife doesn't know.