When to Hold Someone Down, and When to Let Go

Hey guys,

For a while now I've been thinking of the term "ride or die". I think everyone wants to be someone's ride or die, and have someone be that for them in return. But lately, I've noticed that I'm starting to become someone who writes people off a little too easily than maybe I should (like in general, too, not just romance) and worry about how I can ever be that rock and forever for someone. No relationship is perfect, but when is it too much? I want your opinions on this.

That’s slang for codependency.

No matter how you dress it it’s unhealthy. You should never sacrifice all for anyone but yourself and the people in the world you made.

Never hold someone down.

I'm not sure I really understand the question. What is going in in your current social life that has you concerned?

 

For a while now I've been thinking of the term "ride or die". I think everyone wants to be someone's ride or die, and have someone be that for them in return.

That is absolutely untrue,

My understanding of "ride or die" is a woman who will do literally anything for a man, support his illicit lifestyle, despite how doing so may pose danger to her or harm her.

That would be reckless on her part, and if this is what you were facing in your dating situations or your friendships, you were right to leave, and quickly!

Don't ever second guess your decision on that.

As for "being there" for someone, being their rock, it's always a balance.

Too much is overwhelming and suffocating, too little suggests apathy and indifference.

Learn balance.

When to Hold Someone Down

This would be never.

You're going from one extreme to the other.

At the end of the day, it's all about treating each other with respect, harmony, consideration, kindness, integrity, common courtesy, common decency, empathy, peace and love.

Any other way is simply intolerable and unacceptable.

Most people have varying degrees of relationships. Acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, family, friends, lover/spouse etc. You can decide who you want in your inner, intermediate and outer circle. It doesn't have to be this black and white.

Interpersonal relationships of all kinds are way to complex too be grouped as "ride or die" or "write them off". In fact most people will fall somewhere in between these two unhealthy extremes.

Some people are more introverted than others so prefer few close friends than a large circle of acquaintances. And then some people are just more shallow than others and tend to use more Machiavellian tactics in their choice if "friends". Then there are people who lack boundaries and become over involved and overly attached to a suffocating degree.

You don't need to be anyone's rock nor do you need to hang on to people who you don't want in your life. It's that simple.

I'm starting to become someone who writes people off a little too easily than maybe I should (like in general, too, not just romance) and worry about how I can ever be that rock and forever for someone.

My understanding of "ride or die" is a woman who will do literally anything for a man, support his illicit lifestyle, despite how doing so may pose danger to her or harm her.

That is how I've always interpreted that phrase, too. And like you, I see that is a very flawed concept.

OP, how is this affecting your life specifically? Do you feel you're too quick to kick people to the curb? Or is someone implying to you that you should tolerate others' crappy behaviour because that's so "ride-or-die?"

I have the opposite problem - I tend to hang on to relationships too long - but I still don’t believe in “ride or die”.

“Ride or die” implies that you will follow them anywhere. Including off a cliff. Including putting up with mistreatment, abuse, etc. It’s not at all healthy, IMO. You only get one life. You can’t be beholden to others under the guise of “ride or die” if they are making you miserable... well... I guess you can... but that’s not the life I want. (And actually, I find people who use that term are often warning you that they are unreasonable and hard to deal with so they are appealing to your sense of loyalty).

My general rule for when to leave a relationship is when you add up all of the plusses and minuses of the relationship over the course of the whole relationship and the negatives outweigh the positives. (ie: people who have been around longer who have brought a lot to your life have more bandwidth than someone who has not been around that long).

For romantic relationships, the bar is slightly higher. You only get one life partner - so if you are not going in the same direction in life or you can’t see an end to the problems, it’s time to give that up too.

Date, have a relationship, get married, have kids. When you have kids the "ride or die" thing is automatic, hopefully. You can be their rock. If you just want best friends you can rely on strive for that. Volunteer in a children's hospital or shelter and animal rescue. There are plenty of people who could use someone who is a strong, encouraging presence. If you want to ponder this, live it rather than whatever youtube meme talks about ride or die.

I think everyone wants to be someone's ride or die, and have someone be that for them in return. worry about how I can ever be that rock and forever for someone.

Do you feel you're too quick to kick people to the curb? Or is someone implying to you that you should tolerate others' crappy behaviour because that's so "ride-or-die?"

Yes, I do feel like I'm too quick to kick people to the curb. I feel like...I don't have a good amount of resilience, and I know that's dangerous if I want lasting relationships, be it lovers or friends. These days I feel like if I get into 1 argument with someone, I bounce. I DO feel like it's because it crosses/goes against what I would do for someone or what I believe to be right/wrong, and I do forgive smaller things, but even these things, certain ones I have questioned if it was just too soon, and ones where I wouldn't even talk to those people about it and just left. I'm realizing that along with this, lately I have been losing the ability to stand up for myself and/or talk to people about things. I'm looking around, and I don't really have anyone in my life anymore, but I want people to be in my life.

And by ride or die, I know what you guys are talking about when it comes to the definition, but perhaps I don't mean it to that extreme. I know that you shouldn't be with someone who pushes your bounds too much. It's just that I know relationships aren't 100% perfect. For example, I heard of Ozzy Osbourne and Sharon's relationship being rough, and saw a comment from someone about how now he worships the ground beneath her feet; I've been told that the strongest couples are the ones who go through things and stick together through them. I'm scared of my level of resilience, because I feel like I'm the type of person that if you told me you don't smoke and we get together on a more serious level and I catch you, I will just leave that person right away, married with kids or not, cuz I'm not going to let you make the rest of my life miserable.

Also, see my thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557956

for an example of a friend situation I left.

IMO, it means that the connections you form with people, whether friendships or romantically, are not deep in nature, and as such, you find nearly everyone you encounter disposable.

I think instead of focusing on why you so easily dispose of people, focus on why you are not able to establish deep connections.

Because once we're able to establish deep connections with people, they are not so easily disposable. We value them, even treasure them, they add to our lives, versus subtracting from such that we feel like we want to get rid of them.

To Edit: These deep connections can change with time. Like the person you once felt deeply connected to, you don't anymore. And you end whatever it was you once shared. I am going through this now actually.

People, relationships, life, are always changing - we grow, we evolve, and sometimes that means ending what was once a deep friendship or relationship, which is OK.

But at least we know we're capable of establishing deep connections with people and letting people into our world, even just for a brief moment.

We don't just get rid at the first sign of conflict.

Interesting topic.

You don't run away from someone you care deeply about due to a mishap or problem. (Obviously, context is important!) As the proverbial phrase goes: to err is human, to forgive divine. The strongest long lasting marriages I have witnessed are the ones where spouses stuck together through thick and thin. Sticking together, obviously, doesn't equate to putting up with rubbish. But it does mean that regardless of what happens, both of them will work through stuff as a unit.

Same for genuine friendships and good family.

We all have differences with others. You get to decide how important each of those 'must' be to you and how offended you want to become. Choose your battles carefully. Decide which differences 'require' a conflict, and which differences can be overlooked. Conflicts rarely settle differences, they amplify them. So in order to get along with people, we each need to learn our own private degrees of tolerance for differences.

Instead of thinking in black and white, all or nothing, try setting your internal trust meter to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. Over time allow people to demonstrate whether you'll want to invest more trust or withdraw degrees of trust. This can help you to become less trigger-happy on taking offense. You'll learn that withdrawing trust needn't automatically lead to walking away, but rather it affords you the ability to demote certain people from close friendship material to more of an acquaintance category.

Most people will make better acquaintances than friends. You'll require less of acquaintances in terms of loyalty and investment, and that's far more comfortable than creating unnecessary enemies in the world. As we grow older and solidify into our personalities, we won't be everyone 's cup of tea, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy acquaintances to different degrees to meet different needs.

Just because someone doesn't qualify as a bestie, that doesn't mean you can't find certain areas of common ground for companionship. So your tennis buddy might be lousy at conversation, your movie buddy might not share your politics, and a friend in whom you confide might not like crowds or want to attend events or parties with you. Part of maturity is a flexibility to enjoy different kinds and degrees of relationships even while we respect the limits of others.

You're smart to recognize that no friendship will ever be perfect.