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His female best friend


JessicaC5

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Hey everyone.

 

I’ve been dating a guy for just over two months now (around 2-3 dates per week). We’re both 25.

 

He’s got a female best friend who he has lunch with at work every day (we work in the same corporation so I see them having lunch as I have lunch in the same work restaurant). The female best friend is our age, and they’ve been friends about 10 years. I was totally fine with her, but I’ve started to become more and more aware of just how much he sees her. I suggested that he invites her to come and sit with me and my friend in the work restaurant as it would be nice to meet her, but that hasn’t happened. He has even said he brushed her hair this week at work because she ‘didn’t have a mirror’. I was okay with it, but now I’m not, and I’ve expressed to him that I wouldn’t generally brush my friends’ hair, but he just said they’re close and do stuff like that.

 

Should I be concerned? Not only do they have lunch together every day but they also go for walks in the evenings. She is also single.

 

Any advice or tips would be so appreciated. I have been keen on him but now feel like his female best friend is constantly on my mind!

 

Jessica x

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Did you know either of them before you started dating them? Why isn't he dating her? He seems to want to spend much time with her. It may be better to avoid this complicated dating and work situation. However you can not tell him who his friends should be, who to have lunch with, who to spend time with or who to have lunch with you. btw "if i meet her, she's not a threat" is a myth.

I’ve been dating a guy for just over two months now (around 2-3 dates per week). We’re both 25.

He’s got a female best friend who he has lunch with at work every day (we work in the same corporation so I see them having lunch as I have lunch in the same work restaurant). Not only do they have lunch together every day but they also go for walks in the evenings.

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I didn’t know her before I started dating him. I was friends with him for just a few weeks before we started dating.

 

I know the dating and work combo isn’t ideal but he’s really nice and we get on. It’s just a shame he sees her a lot too! As you say, I can’t tell him who to have lunch with!

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Have you met other friends of his? Has he met friends of yours? Has there been any small steps toward integrating your lives a bit more? Do the people at work know you're dating?

 

I'm of mixed minds here, at least until I understand this a bit better.

 

We haven’t met each other’s friends yet. Although I did think that he would introduce the female best friend seeing as she is also working at the same place. People at work do know we are dating, and we’ve been integrating our personal lives by spending time over each other’s houses.

 

Thanks for your reply. Look forward to your thoughts!

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You have only been dating for a short time. It's obvious he's still feeling things out with you before friends and family are introduced. My guess is he likes his relationship with her, but will probably will let her go when the right woman comes along. Things are not serious enough with you for him to let you get fully involved with his life is what I see.

 

Personal Note: IMO him brushing her hair is down right creepy....bates motel creepy. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I've had guy friends, and there is no way I treated them like a girl, asking them to brush my hair. That just doesn't feel right.

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I can understand if you are keeping things on the downlow and sometimes he eats with his boss or someone he is on a project with but same woman every day and he never has lunch with you - just with her? Nope. If he wanted to keep dating you on the downlow due to work policy, he would expand the "lunch group" and sit with you, her, your friend, etc. And he should not be brushing her hair unless she has limited mobility and in that case a female friend should do it

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Weird. She is definitely the more important person in his life right now. You will just have to decide if this is acceptable to you. I wouldn't be cool with it; I'd pass, and sooner rather than later before I got too invested. It's much harder to do down the road after feeeeeeeeelings get involved.

 

I, too, wonder why they aren't dating if they are that close.

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We haven’t met each other’s friends yet. Although I did think that he would introduce the female best friend seeing as she is also working at the same place. People at work do know we are dating, and we’ve been integrating our personal lives by spending time over each other’s houses.

 

Thanks for your reply. Look forward to your thoughts!

At 2 months and you work with the same people, this woman should absolutely know you. After 8 weeks maybe not "this is my girlfriend" but "this is Jessica". I was introduced to people we ran into or friends as my name, not "my girlfriend" when we were dating just a few months. If you don't work out - you met a coworker that you didn't know. Lots of people introduce people to people in other departments that they don't know. but, by the way if she is his best friend, of course she should know he is dating.

 

If you say you had not met his friends and he meets them for a guy's night of basketball every week and you have no way of crossing paths, that's different...

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I wouldn't wonder or do anything. If it doesn't jive with you, it doesn't jive with you. Even dating isn't worth jamming round pegs into square holes. In the very best of scenarios, assuming everything between them innocuous, his sense of boundaries are about a kilometer off from yours. Why bother? Live and let live. Explore better matches.

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Hey everyone.

 

I’ve been dating a guy for just over two months now (around 2-3 dates per week). We’re both 25.

 

He’s got a female best friend who he has lunch with at work every day (we work in the same corporation so I see them having lunch as I have lunch in the same work restaurant). The female best friend is our age, and they’ve been friends about 10 years. I was totally fine with her, but I’ve started to become more and more aware of just how much he sees her. I suggested that he invites her to come and sit with me and my friend in the work restaurant as it would be nice to meet her, but that hasn’t happened. He has even said he brushed her hair this week at work because she ‘didn’t have a mirror’. I was okay with it, but now I’m not, and I’ve expressed to him that I wouldn’t generally brush my friends’ hair, but he just said they’re close and do stuff like that.

 

Should I be concerned? Not only do they have lunch together every day but they also go for walks in the evenings. She is also single.

 

Any advice or tips would be so appreciated. I have been keen on him but now feel like his female best friend is constantly on my mind!

 

Jessica x

 

It's tough to know with this because it's only been about two months. But I don't think it is a good sign that he is having lunch with another girl when you are having lunch at the same time, in the same place. I also take it as a bad sign that he has so far ignored your invitation to have lunch together.

 

The hair-brushing stuff triggers an eye-roll response in me.

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I find that odd too.

 

Does she not know you're dating, OP?

 

Yes, I find it odd too. I'm usually sitting not far from them with a couple of work friends (who he knows and gets on with) but he doesn't come and sit with us. He sits with her the whole time. Every lunch.

 

On two different occasions I've mentioned to him that she is very welcome to come and sit with us, and he's said that's kind, but it's never materialised.

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I wouldn't wonder or do anything. If it doesn't jive with you, it doesn't jive with you. Even dating isn't worth jamming round pegs into square holes. In the very best of scenarios, assuming everything between them innocuous, his sense of boundaries are about a kilometer off from yours. Why bother? Live and let live. Explore better matches.

 

Very wise words. I hadn't thought about it like that. I do have one or two 'guy friends' who I see when my friend group go out for drinks, for example, but you wouldn't get me near their hair with a hairbrush!

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Weird. She is definitely the more important person in his life right now. You will just have to decide if this is acceptable to you. I wouldn't be cool with it; I'd pass, and sooner rather than later before I got too invested. It's much harder to do down the road after feeeeeeeeelings get involved.

 

I, too, wonder why they aren't dating if they are that close.

 

I totally agree. I did ask him whether they'd been close and he just said they had been friends for ten years and had always been 'good friends'. She also talks to him about not being able to find a boyfriend, according to him.

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Yes, I find it odd too. I'm usually sitting not far from them with a couple of work friends (who he knows and gets on with) but he doesn't come and sit with us. He sits with her the whole time. Every lunch.

 

That would rub me the wrong way. I would feel completely snubbed.

 

I asked before, but perhaps you missed it: do you know if she knows you're dating, him? Have they dated in the past? My honest guess is that he's not keen to introduce you two, for some specific reason. You just haven't yet discovered what that is. I don't think it's just a matter of friends not being integrated in each other's lives yet.

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That would rub me the wrong way. I would feel completely snubbed.

 

I asked before, but perhaps you missed it: do you know if she knows you're dating, him? Have they dated in the past? My honest guess is that he's not keen to introduce you two, for some specific reason. You just haven't yet discovered what that is. I don't think it's just a matter of friends not being integrated in each other's lives yet.

 

He has apparently told her that he's dating me, and they haven't dated previously, as far as I know. He has told me she's been single for some time now, and that she wants to find someone. So they must talk about things like that. Oh and he has photos of him and his ex still on his Facebook... but maybe that's a whole different topic! That's a separate thing that grates on me. Would it grate on you? I asked him why they still had lots of photographs on there (they're both tagged) and he said they're 'very happy memories that he can't get rid of'. Personally I think he should save the photos to his personal photo stream on his phone then delete them off Facebook or at least untag himself.

 

Thank you for your reply! :-)

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He has apparently told her that he's dating me, and they haven't dated previously, as far as I know. He has told me she's been single for some time now, and that she wants to find someone. So they must talk about things like that. Oh and he has photos of him and his ex still on his Facebook... but maybe that's a whole different topic! That's a separate thing that grates on me. Would it grate on you? I asked him why they still had lots of photographs on there (they're both tagged) and he said they're 'very happy memories that he can't get rid of'. Personally I think he should save the photos to his personal photo stream on his phone then delete them off Facebook or at least untag himself.

 

Thank you for your reply! :-)

 

If it was photos of a happy experience that happened 5 years ago (an award's dinner where he received an award and she happened to be there with him), I wouldn't have a problem, but if it happened a few months ago, I for sure would.

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Very wise words. I hadn't thought about it like that. I do have one or two 'guy friends' who I see when my friend group go out for drinks, for example, but you wouldn't get me near their hair with a hairbrush!

 

Which just further cements what J said, different boundaries.

 

Would I personally care if a guy I was dating was combing someone else hair? Probably not but I’m older so those things mean something different than to someone who is a teen or young adult, exploring dating and swapping spit with coworkers and playing musical chairs with partners, I’m not saying that disrespectfully, I’m just aware of the melrose place that work romances tend to be, especially when young. it’s much more common in your age group so in your situation, yeah, I’d be bothered, I also wouldn’t be mature enough yet to simply walk away, although, at the end of the day, that’s going to be your best bet. So since you’re most likely going to stay vent away, but he’s going to be who he is and do what he does.

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Hey everyone.

 

I’ve been dating a guy for just over two months now (around 2-3 dates per week). We’re both 25.

 

He’s got a female best friend who he has lunch with at work every day (we work in the same corporation so I see them having lunch as I have lunch in the same work restaurant). The female best friend is our age, and they’ve been friends about 10 years. I was totally fine with her, but I’ve started to become more and more aware of just how much he sees her. I suggested that he invites her to come and sit with me and my friend in the work restaurant as it would be nice to meet her, but that hasn’t happened. He has even said he brushed her hair this week at work because she ‘didn’t have a mirror’. I was okay with it, but now I’m not, and I’ve expressed to him that I wouldn’t generally brush my friends’ hair, but he just said they’re close and do stuff like that.

 

Should I be concerned? Not only do they have lunch together every day but they also go for walks in the evenings. She is also single.

 

Any advice or tips would be so appreciated. I have been keen on him but now feel like his female best friend is constantly on my mind!

 

Jessica x

 

LOL Dude. I don't know what other people are saying in this thread and I must admit I didn't read your entire post (because I don't need to) but there is a reason why hes with you and not her. I also, have a best female friend, they come in handy you know, even if she is over protective of me at times. Shes not afraid to tell me I'm an idiot for chasing the wrong woman or cuss another female out right in front of everyone if they disrespect me but she also wants to know that we are best friends and that no matter what, I will be there for her as much as she is for me AS A FRIEND.

 

Let it go! Be good friends with her, go shopping with her and do girly things. If you don't, you will end up getting passive aggressive and she will pick up on that. You will also start fights with your boyfriend and a wedge will build, but not between him and her, it will be between you and him. Trust me, been here, done that. Known my best female friend since I was 15, thats 22 years of friendship. Shes always been the last woman standing if a girlfriend tried to pull some crap to try to get rid of her.

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