Dating a guy with kids

I am considering dating someone with a 7 year old. I have no problems with it personally but I'm not sure if it might be more of a commitment then I am taking into account.

I don't want my own kids so my Outlook is that a man with a kid is not a big deal because it's hard to find someone who doesn't want children. Every boyfriend I've been with tells me that I will change my mind someday and that they would like them. It's hard to convince anyone that I really don't. The main reasons are that is it's one of my fears to go through childbirth and the costs. Also I just don't have the overall desire to. I love kids but just don't want my own.

The only reason I'm thinking about whether this is a huge deal is my friends are judging me for it. They would never date someone with kids. They act as if dating someone with kids is an absolute no and a turn off for them. They are really trying to convince me it's a terrible thing. They say like omg he has kids and that's a bad sign etc.

Does anyone have any advice on dating people with kids and what is it like? Is there things I'm overlooking ?

I am considering dating someone with a 7 year old. I have no problems with it personally but I'm not sure if it might be more of a commitment then I am taking into account.

 

I don't want my own kids so my Outlook is that a man with a kid is not a big deal because it's hard to find someone who doesn't want children. Every boyfriend I've been with tells me that I will change my mind someday and that they would like them. It's hard to convince anyone that I really don't. The main reasons are that is it's one of my fears to go through childbirth and the costs. Also I just don't have the overall desire to. I love kids but just don't want my own.

 

The only reason I'm thinking about whether this is a huge deal is my friends are judging me for it. They would never date someone with kids. They act as if dating someone with kids is an absolute no and a turn off for them. They are really trying to convince me it's a terrible thing. They say like omg he has kids and that's a bad sign etc.

 

Does anyone have any advice on dating people with kids and what is it like? Is there things I'm overlooking ?

Do not listen to your friends.

You are the only one who knows you.

Dating someone with kids is ideal for someone who loves kids, but does not want to give birth.

Ask yourself

1) how long has he been divorced. if its 5 years, he has the coparenting thing down most likely. You will be a priority on dates. Kid will be a priority when he has the child.

If its 5 months, i would hesitate big time about dating him.

2) going on a date is not marriage. A date is just to get to know someone.

3) Don't meet the child unless you are dating for quite some time, are dating exclusively and feel a commitment is coming.

Treat him as any other guy you go on a date with - if there is a connection, go on more dates.

If not, don't.

You may not even get to the point of meeting the kid because you decide after a few months he is not the one for you.

Or you may get to that point.

also, how old is he? I would never date a man under 25 with kids when i was single unless his wife died or adopted a sibling, etc. If you are older and the guy is 35+ that's a different consideration.

Is the kid's mother in the picture? Does the kid live with him or with the mother?

This is not the business of your friends. It is your business. Know that the child will come first and that is how it should be. If dad gets along with mom then that's good, if there is a lot of hostility and anger and trouble between them, well you might want to rethink this rather than have to deal with it.

Age is a consideration too, how old is dad and how old are you?

If you do not want children because of childbirth and costs you would still be impacted by the latter aspect were you to marry him or be involved with him since he still has the cost of the child which will impact -or could -your financial situation. I always wanted children and strongly preferred not to date a man who had a child. I did date someone for 3 months whose ex girlfriend was pregnant but when the baby was born (about two months in) I knew it wasn't for me and ended things. I went on one date with a guy who had kids -not for me. It's just too much of a commitment and a responsibility and too complicated for me personally. If you love kids and understand the child will be more important than you in his life especially while you're still just a girlfriend and not a stepmother for example then certainly go for it.

Disregard your friends' advice because they're not living your life. You are.

Give dating a try. What have you go to lose? Only a little time. Give this guy a chance.

Just keep in mind that his child will always take priority in his life because he's co-parenting and raising the child with the child's mother. Grow accustomed to being secondary and taking a back seat especially if there is competition for his time, energy and resources. It's expensive to monetarily support his child. This guy has at least 11 more years to go until the child is 18 years old. Don't be disappointed when you are not this guy's primary concern 100% in his brain. Once the child is in the picture, the child becomes his life basically forever even after the child is grown because as a parent, he will always worry about his child's well being. You'll have to learn to share this guy with his son or daughter. He's bringing baggage into the relationship and there are strings attached.

There are a lot of men with children who don't want anymore children and there are men who don't ever desire to have children.

Are you sure he doesn't want more children?

Just because he already has a child doesn't mean he won't want more children. Does he want more children?

You state you don't want the financial burden of a child, but marrying a man with a child means you will be inheriting this bouncing bundle of financial burden, in addition to eating up a great deal of time, and this child, even as an adult, will always be the top priority. This child will not be background noise.

Where is the mother and do the mother and father get along? If there is hostility and drama between the parents, you should probably re-think getting involved.

If you're willing to take on the task of a stepmother and all the parts and pieces that go with it, great! Don't worry about what your friends think. If they don't want to date a man with children, that's their decision to make.

Disregard your friends' advice because they're not living your life. You are.

 

Give dating a try. What have you go to lose? Only a little time. Give this guy a chance.

 

Just keep in mind that his child will always take priority in his life because he's co-parenting and raising the child with the child's mother. Grow accustomed to being secondary and taking a back seat especially if there is competition for his time, energy and resources. It's expensive to monetarily support his child. This guy has at least 11 more years to go until the child is 18 years old. Don't be disappointed when you are not this guy's primary concern 100% in his brain. Once the child is in the picture, the child becomes his life basically forever even after the child is grown because as a parent, he will always worry about his child's well being. You'll have to learn to share this guy with his son or daughter. He's bringing baggage into the relationship and there are strings attached.

 

There are a lot of men with children who don't want anymore children and there are men who don't ever desire to have children.

Actually, you should not "take a backseat" if the guy has boundaries. Date time is date time. Child time is child time. That means he won't be seeing you when he has his child. That may mean that you can't really talk at any length on the phone unless he is at lunch at work or after kids' bed time. When he has a date with you and the child is with their mother, he will make you the priority. Unless there is an emergency with the child, you have his undivided attention. Just like when he is in an important business meeting - the child is not #1 at that moment. The people in the meeting are. Yes, the child is the reason he makes decision on where to live or what hours to work -- but its erroneous thinking that a significant other "comes last" with someone with good boundaries.

Are you sure he doesn't want more children?

That's what dating is about -- finding out about eachother.

If she doesn't want childbirth - she could be open to adoption if she is open to stepkids -- who knows.

She won't know until she goes out with him.

Actually, you should not "take a backseat" if the guy has boundaries. Date time is date time. Child time is child time. That means he won't be seeing you when he has his child. That may mean that you can't really talk at any length on the phone unless he is at lunch at work or after kids' bed time. When he has a date with you and the child is with their mother, he will make you the priority. Unless there is an emergency with the child, you have his undivided attention. Just like when he is in an important business meeting - the child is not #1 at that moment. The people in the meeting are. Yes, the child is the reason he makes decision on where to live or what hours to work -- but its erroneous thinking that a significant other "comes last" with someone with good boundaries.

No, you shouldn't "take a backseat." However, in his mind, his kid comes first and foremost. His brain and attention will forever be divided since the guy is a package deal, i.e., baggage or the relationship / dating world has strings attached. Sure, date time is date time but time is limited and she has to share him with his kid. His brain will be interrupted and the kid has needs when the mother isn't always available or if he / she needs the father. The date is a priority ~ temporarily and the date is on the clock. The date or gf needs to be prepared because the guy isn't a carefree single guy anymore. It's complicated with the kid in the mix in any relationship especially a divorced or single Dad. The woman whom he is dating or in a relationship with, needs to be realistic. Eventually patience will wear thin on her part.

There are successful stories with the guy, his date or gf and the kid. However, it's not a smooth, easy adjustment. This dynamic is definitely challenging and stressful compared to no kids in the picture whatsoever.

No, you shouldn't "take a backseat." However, in his mind, his kid comes first and foremost. His brain and attention will forever be divided since the guy is a package deal, i.e., baggage or the relationship / dating world has strings attached. Sure, date time is date time but time is limited and she has to share him with his kid. His brain will be interrupted and the kid has needs when the mother isn't always available or if he / she needs the father. The date is a priority ~ temporarily and the date is on the clock. The date or gf needs to be prepared because the guy isn't a carefree single guy anymore. It's complicated with the kid in the mix in any relationship especially a divorced or single Dad. The woman whom he is dating or in a relationship with, needs to be realistic. Eventually patience will wear thin on her part.

 

There are successful stories with the guy, his date or gf and the kid. However, it's not a smooth, easy adjustment. This dynamic is definitely challenging and stressful compared to no kids in the picture whatsoever.

I don't date -am married -and I work hard on compartmentalizing between adult time and kid time and I have a child. So this means that even if I am on adult time my phone is accessible and is checked just in case my child needs me - just like I was when I was working and accessible 24/7 to my bosses. Yes, the person I am with is the priority and that person understands that the priority can shift on a dime if my child needs me. Having said that there are extremes -like my friend who will interrupt our phone convo because her college student daughter needs input on what to have for lunch, whether mac and cheese that is 3 days old is safe etc. I don't appreciate that or think it's the right way to balance priorities.

My short term boyfriends broke a date with me last minute when his ex girlfriend's water broke and she gave birth. Then he told me he'd be staying over her place on the couch to help with their newborn daughter - you know it sounded perfectly reasonable to me objectively. Subjectively I knew I was done and couldn't sign up for a situation this complex and complicated.

Kids are more little people to love you

If you ask me for my opinion based on my personal experience, I will say, "Your friends are right. Run from this man and his kid as far as you can." My response is, of course, on the basis of my own traumatic experience. Let me tell you my personal experience and you can judge it for yourself whether you want to take the route that I have taken.

Like you, I never wanted children of my own. I am not terribly maternal by nature. I was a single woman never married and had only 1 boyfriend before I met my husband. He had a 6-year old daughter who lived with him because her mother (his ex-wife) died from alcohol abuse when she was 4.

This is my personal experience:-

After I married husband, I never got any time alone with him because the kid always comes first in everything and I mean everything. She gets 100% of husband's attention all the time. As a result, I felt like I was treated like a second class citizen. I was supposed to be husband's wife but I got less attention and priority than that kid. Don't get me wrong, I was willing to make sacrifices back then and thought the kid was very young and things would change when she got a bit older (yeah, too bad that I lived in hope). Meanwhile, I helped take care of the kid financially because husband and I both worked for the first 6 years of our marriage then I was the sole breadwinner of the family when the kid was 13 and still took care of her financially until she was 18.

When she was growing up, she turned more and more b**chy towards me because she thought that I was trying to replace her mother or take away her father's attention or affection from her. Her allegations are totally lies because I have never disciplined her but left that entirely to her father to do it. I have never ever complained about husband giving her a load of attention. I just let him get on with it. I am consciously aware that this is only natural love and affection between father and daughter so I never interfered in their relationship but waited patiently until the kid grew up.

My day to day dealings with the kid had always been very civil and above board. I had always worked long hours and was seldom able to spend a load of time with her during the week (until the age of 14, husband always sent her to bed by the time I got home in the weekday evenings). She had her own program during the weekends and she would not be home during the day most weekends.

The teenage years came round and the kid grew up to be a young woman. She started to learn to steal my money from my wallet, steal food from the larder, steal my personal stuff whenever I was not at home. When she reached 18 years, she officially moved out but she then used my home address to cheat businesses of their money which resulted in unpaid bills being sent to my house and subsequently debt collector's letters, for example, she would sign up for expensive phone contracts and tell the company that she lives at my address but it's untrue. She never paid a single penny for any of the services she obtained. When I messaged her to stop doing what she did, she ignored the messages and continued with her conduct.

She is now 23 years old. She started sending abusive messages to me (text and emails) telling me to commit suicide and that she really wished that I was dead etc. when she first learnt that I separated from husband. She proudly announced that she has never ever respected me and thinks I am sh*t for marrying her father. I feel that she has always disliked me as I am of a different race to her and her father.

This level of rudeness from the step-daughter who I helped husband to raise since she was 6 years old has really given me the resolve that my decision to separate from husband is a good decision. I started the divorce proceedings recently because I wanted to be rid of both husband and his daughter from my life. I really wanted nothing to do with either of them.

It was then that my friend's advice which she gave to me some 17 years ago came ringing loud and clear through my head: "Why are you seeing a divorcee with a young kid? You are a single woman who has never been married, you are a valuable asset and you should look for a single man not previously married and no children as baggage. You deserve better than this." and I said to myself my friend was right. I had made the biggest mistake in life but what is so bad about it is that it has wasted my youth and 16 years of my life.

So, this is the story of my life. I hope you don't walk the same path as I did. And if you decide to choose to continue to see this man with his 7 year old child, "Good Luck".

ps. I know there will be some of you who will disagree or even criticize me or judge me for this post. However, I am merely stating my own opinion and sharing my experience here. Thanks.

It's your life, so do what's best for you. My brother lives in England. Just because he loves living there, doesn't mean I would, although I did enjoy my visit. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

As you get to know him, you will find out some things that are important. Does he have full custody or shared custody? On which days of the week does his child stay with him if the custody is shared? Is he struggling financially, barely making ends meet, or does he have play money to be able to treat you to dinner now and then, and afford a vacation you two want to go dutch on? What was the reason the marriage ended?

Decide if his finances will allow for the dating life you desire. Decide if how much time he'll have to spend with you satisfies you.

I know that when I was on OLD after my first marriage ended, I rejected dating a guy with a 5 year old who had his son every single weekend and every Wednesday. I wanted a companion with a lot more free time for me, so I held out for that, and eventually met my future husband who had full custody of a 14 year old. That situation worked out fine for me.

It's all about what will work for you, so explore the prospect and see if he's a good match or not.

Why not give it a shot....nothing wrong with going into the unknown to gain some experience. No relationship is guaranteed with or without kids. Remember everyone's experience is different. Your involvement with this family unit just may surprise you...and make some new discoveries about yourself in the process. You are not marrying the guy, you simply are going out on dates and get to know him...that is the first step. If it's not your cup of tea, then you know where you stand.

BTW I'm a kid-less person too. At 25/26 I did find a man that was OK being kid-less and we are still together after 29 years. I didn't wait long to tell him...like 3 weeks in of knowing each other. trust me there are plenty of men out there that don't want kids. And ya I hate the "Oh you will change your mind." from everyone or the "Oh that's so selfish of you." Very off putting...IMO it's no ones bizz to judge.

Why not give it a shot....nothing wrong with going into the unknown to gain some experience. No relationship is guaranteed with or without kids. Remember everyone's experience is different. Your involvement with this family unit just may surprise you...and make some new discoveries about yourself in the process. You are not marrying the guy, you simply are going out on dates and get to know him...that is the first step. If it's not your cup of tea, then you know where you stand.

BTW I'm a kid-less person too. At 25/26 I did find a man that was OK being kid-less and we are still together after 29 years. I didn't wait long to tell him...like 3 weeks in of knowing each other. trust me there are plenty of men out there that don't want kids. And ya I hate the "Oh you will change your mind." from everyone or the "Oh that's so selfish of you." Very off putting...IMO it's no ones bizz to judge.

I would do the "no guarantees/always a risk" approach if she wasn't looking for a serious relationship. If she is she should get clear with herself about what are dealbreakers. Not all risks are created equal and there are more guarantees in certain relationships than others. For example, she is guaranteed in this relationship absent some unforeseen tragedy which need not be mentioned that she will be dating a man with a child. There is far less of a risk of a man who doesn't have a child when she starts dating him becoming a dad while they are dating (other than to their child).

I agree with you.

I'm just saying that the OP needs to be prepared that mentally, the guy's mind will always prioritize his kid for at least the next 11 years. 2's company, 3's a crowd. Sure, he can go out on dates and have a relationship as long as the woman doesn't mind "sharing" him. He is no longer exclusive nor truly single in that regard. He has other responsibilities and serious commitments with his time, energy and money for his child.

Also, should the relationship develop further, money is a huge factor because now he is paying child support which takes away money otherwise spent on his date, girlfriend, perhaps wife someday, she is saddled with taking a hit with the household finances due to supporting the guy's kid. It's not a happy, optimal situation. The guy has baggage and his date / relationship will always have strings attached. Unfortunately, he's a package deal meaning the kid will make his dating world and relationships unpleasant.

I'm sure it could work if you don't mind unpleasant sacrifices that won't go away for the long term. This is the price to pay and there is a cost to everything.

11 more years to go is a long time for the woman to remain patient.

It's not a happy, optimal situation.

That's awfully judgmental, I have to say. When it comes to romance one person's happy/optimal is another person's prison sentence, so I'd be wary of blanket statements like this.

If someone's curious about dating someone with a kid—well, why not? There are a lot of ways it can work, even make it all more pleasant. Only one way to find out, and that's to feel it out a bit, same as anything. The kid, and everything surrounding it, just has to be a plus, a source of intrigue and, in time, respect, rather than some hindrance to connection or something you "put up" with.

I have to say though that whoever wrote the story about the nightmare daughter, of course your own personal story is very valid and that's awful what happened. However I don't think that every child would act as vile as that. I should hope that most wouldn't. I think how it works out really completely depends on the people themselves and the child. In some cases the child can in a sense be "friends" with the step parent and have a good relationship. Financially if the child still has two parents then it should be them covering most of the costs. It really is an individual choice I think.

My fiance's parents broke up when he was only 4 years old. His Mum then was with his stepfather for 20 years. My fiance's Dad was pretty AWOL so he thinks of his step dad as more of a Dad. So it can be fine in some cases.

That's awfully judgmental, I have to say. When it comes to romance one person's happy/optimal is another person's prison sentence, so I'd be wary of blanket statements like this.

 

If someone's curious about dating someone with a kid—well, why not? There are a lot of ways it can work, even make it all more pleasant. Only one way to find out, and that's to feel it out a bit, same as anything. The kid, and everything surrounding it, just has to be a plus, a source of intrigue and, in time, respect, rather than some hindrance to connection or something you "put up" with.

Yes it can be very positive in the right situation -where the child is seen by the non-parent as a plus to dating the parent - and there are many situations where that might be true, of course. But how the OP described it -and we need more information -is that she's not really into being a parent (now it might just be not into the child birth part and the expenses -but if she is with him she'll be affected by the expenses as well unless the child comes with a trust fund, etc)- I am not sure she would see it as a positive.

I don't think it's fair to the child if her parent's partner simply "puts up" with her. And I don't think it's just 11 more years as Cheryln mentioned. It might be in certain typical situations and in less typical situations it might be decades longer than that.

That's awfully judgmental, I have to say. When it comes to romance one person's happy/optimal is another person's prison sentence, so I'd be wary of blanket statements like this.

 

If someone's curious about dating someone with a kid—well, why not? There are a lot of ways it can work, even make it all more pleasant. Only one way to find out, and that's to feel it out a bit, same as anything. The kid, and everything surrounding it, just has to be a plus, a source of intrigue and, in time, respect, rather than some hindrance to connection or something you "put up" with.

I say to the OP, go for it. Just don't be surprised nor shocked if the dating scene or relationship with a guy with a kid requires high maintenance, tolerance, patience and less money (because the kid is financially supported) for the next 11 years.

I agree with Batya33. The guy is tied to his child and ex even after the child grows up. It's not 1:1 with the date, girlfriend or wife anymore. There's money out, time out, energy out for the common goal between the ex and him because of the kid. He'll always have to deal with the mother of his child for life which will never go away. In this regard, the other woman must always yield. If she doesn't mind, by all means go for it. Just know what you're in for ~ realistically.