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Thread: Engaged but heís clinging on to the past

  1. #1
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    Engaged but heís clinging on to the past

    Sorry if this is a bit long winded, but itís about a years worth of back and forth over the same issue!
    Iíve been with my now fiancť for just over 2 years and last July I ended things. He was not long out of a marriage and a year into the relationship I still didnít exist to anyone in his world. Heíd met my parents, my son and my friends but his family didnít know I existed. Anytime I broached the subject he would say it was just too soon as he didnít want his family to think weíd been together before he split from his wife. I have pretty low self esteem anyway so to me it just felt like he was ashamed of me. It got to the point where I just couldnít deal with feeling like a secret, on the edge of his life just not quite in it, so I ended things.
    He took it really badly and bombarded me with texts, emails etc. I eventually blocked him because I still loved him, but was trying to do the best for me to give me some sort of self preservation.
    About a month after we split, I was on a works night out and kissed a guy from work. He was someone Iíd known for a long time at work and we got on really well so it was nice to have someone to chat to/text etc. We went on a date a couple of weeks later, and realised that we were just good friends, but I then found out he was also seeing someone else. I was pretty pissed off that heíd strung me along despite it not going anywhere.
    A couple of weeks after that I received a rose in the post from my fiancť with a note saying heíd always love me and if there was ever any room for him in my life to contact him. I still missed him hugely so called him and asked if we could meet. We did and agreed to take it slowly and see how things went. One of his conditions was that there was full disclosure for what had gone on during our 2 months apart. He had been on dating sites and had been on a few dates so I told him my story. He got massively upset and said he felt like Iíd cheated on him, he didnít know if he could deal with it etc but eventually calmed down and agreed to try.
    A week later he read my messages and saw messages Iíd sent to one of my friends talking about the date...another huge argument about how Iíd cheated on him.
    This has come up every couple of months since then, but in April he proposed and I stupidly thought that meant we were looking towards the future not the past.
    However yesterday he announced that he still canít get the image of me kissing someone else out of his head and itís driving him insane, he canít get past it and I should understand how betrayed he feels.
    I genuinely donít understand it, we had broken up, we werenít on a break. He went on dates and Iíve taken his word that nothing happened. Yes, it would make me feel sick if he had been with someone else, but Iíd have no right to go nuts as we werenít together.
    Heís now saying heís unsure of our future together as he canít keep replaying the image in his head, but I donít know what to do to fix it. I even moved jobs (within the same company) so I wasnít working next to the other guy anymore to help him feel better about it and have cut all communication.
    How do I get past this if he canít see I chose him?

  2. #2
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    Has he introduced you to his family and friends and told them you're engaged?

    He is the one who needs to get past your alleged cheating. If he won't, don't marry him. Or you'll get a lifetime of the way he's behaving now.

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    He told everyone about me when we got back together, and everyone knows were engaged now except his 5 year old son and ex wife. He says he doesnít want to complicate things for him, which I get, but it hurts a bit that Iíve had to have the conversation with my 8 year old son about getting remarried and the emotions that evoked from a child who isnít keen on the idea.
    Iíve said to him that he needs to try and get past it, but he just keeps saying he doesnít know how.
    He had an affair when he was with his ex wife, and it feels like heís projecting that onto me when Iíve never cheated on him and never would.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He's had major issues all along. Consult privately and confidentially with a therapist for some short term therapy to sort this out and to get advice on whether it's right for you to continue. In the meantime do not minimize things, simply agree that you understand he is upset. Unfortunately he sounds like a bit of a control freak. That combined with being a secret are major red flags.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You mention his "conditions" for getting back together. What, may I ask were your conditions?

    Your boyfriend is a coward and he appears to have just used you so that HE could be the one to break up with you. What a coward. Won't introduce you to his family, won't make any concessions as to what would make you happy yet here he is making demands of you when it was him that was sending you crap to hoover you back.

    So: What did you ask of him in order to let him back into your life?

    I do want to say that good for you for having the boundary in place in that you would not stay with someone that wouldn't introduce you to family when you had been dating that long. Did he at least introduce you to his friends? It was irresponsible of you to take him back without first being introduced to his family in a show of love and respect for you. Of course if that was a concession of yours, did he live up to it before his ego couldn't take the fact you kissed a guy while being SINGLE. He sounds like a horrible prospect as a life partner and I'm sure his ex wife will agree.

    Ditch him. I think it was his ego that made him reach out to you and now that he got you, he found yet another excuse not to advance your relationship any further than it was.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    How do I get past this if he canít see I chose him?
    I don't think you can get past it, and I don't think you should continue to try.

    I don't think this is a good person for you, weirdpotato.

    He's self-centered:
    -->He kept you a secret so that he didn't look bad.
    -->He bombarded you with texts and emails until you had to block him.

    He obviously thinks he owns you:
    -->You're not allowed to be with other guys even when you're not with him
    -->He reads your messages
    -->You had to move your desk at work so that he could feel better

    He's playing with your head:
    -->He imposed a "full disclosure" condition on getting back together, when he was the one asking to come back (WEIRD).
    -->He got upset when he found out your life continued after the break up--just a kiss, mind you, and a month after you'd broken up.

    You know none of that makes sense.

    I think he proposed to you just to gain more of a foothold on your psyche: Now, he can break off the engagement if you don't fall into line.

    I think you should break off the engagement. There are WAY better men out there who aren't manipulative.

  8. #7
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    Does he plan to keep you a secret from his son and ex wife after you're married?

  9. #8
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    I didnít have any conditions when we got back together, not one. He said when we split heíd had to explain to his family why he was upset so by default theyíd learned about me. I just wanted to be together again and look to the future.

    As an intelligent, successful woman with an incredible son who is an absolute joy, I realise this story makes me sound quite pathetic...which annoys me! Iíve been through some proper crap times and always come out fighting (eventually) but I donít know why I feel like I need him so much. Iíve never felt this tied to someone emotionally, and I just keep hoping it will get better. When things are good theyíre great but it always cycles back to this and then him not speaking or saying he has Ďnothing good in his lifeí

    I promised him I would never end things again after the last time, because he said that was a big worry for him, but it feels like he just keeps pushing me as close to the edge as he can then pulls me back. I canít keep doing this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and drama free!

  10. #9
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    Jibralta - seeing that all in black and white does seem like there is a total imbalance of control. I hadnít really put that all together before

  11. #10
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    He doesn't really intend on marrying you, OP, and he's looking for an out.

    Do you really think he would marry someone without ever letting his son know? I highly doubt it. I think your engagement is a sham, and he doesn't actually plan to go through with it. Maybe it was meant to placate you but he knows he can't keep it up and he wants out.

    You would be foolish to beg for forgiveness, much less marry someone like this.

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