Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345
Results 41 to 48 of 48

Thread: Engaged but heís clinging on to the past

  1. #41
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,674
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    Iíve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that Ďuntil we can facilitate living together in our own homeí he canít come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

    So basically things are , but letís get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Letís jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything.

    I had always thought weíd live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic.

    I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell
    Yup. He wants you to give up everything that is rightfully yours.
    But WOW -- he is a coward if he leaves a message like this instead of speaking in person.
    Bad images of what? Bad images of you having a backbone.

    I never advocate breakig up in a text or voicemail - but he has given you the opening. Since he said something major in a message - I'd say something major in a message.
    "Sorry, I am not selling my home, and I am not coming over. So it looks like we are done. Please don't contact me again. I will be sending the ring back by certified mail".
    (if you do have an engagement ring)

  2. #42
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    13,424
    Gender
    Female
    Him: "until we can facilitate living together in our own home I canít come round to your house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images"

    You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

    Then you block and delete him so he can't dazzle you with his science a moment longer, you take the time to heal and get therapy to help you with that if need be. You and your son carry on with you being the good mother and provider for him that you are. There is a good man worth being with out there for you but you will never find him if you keep on enabling the turd to distract you from finding him.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,190
    I have a super strong feeling there is no engagement ring. As manipulative as this guy is Iím sure they were just words.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,332
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I'd say something major in a message.
    "Sorry, I am not selling my home, and I am not coming over. So it looks like we are done. Please don't contact me again. I will be sending the ring back by certified mail".
    (if you do have an engagement ring)
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."
    Just speaking for myself here, but I wouldn't even respond at this point. I'd just fade. And here's the reason: responding will just spark another debate. Then you'll be drawn back into the dynamic.

    I dealt with a guy like this years ago. To put it most simply, everything became a debate about how his actions were right, and my actions were wrong. And if he did do something wrong, I had no right to complain because I wouldn't commit to being his girlfriend. There was no room in his mind for "Why would I commit to being your girlfriend when you do these questionable things?" That space just wasn't there in his brain.

    Granted, this was a very brief relationship. We didn't date much longer than two months. But it took six months to get rid of him because every time I made an effort to thoughtfully respond to his challenges, he invariably tried to twist things back into this situation where he was right and I was wrong.

    It was actually scary because I realized I'd become involved with an abuser and that he thrived off of these conflicts. So, instead of engaging him when he texted or emailed, I'd respond with very brief but friendly statements. And you know what happened? He gave up. He found no more fuel with me and moved on to better prospects.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,674
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Just speaking for myself here, but I wouldn't even respond at this point. I'd just fade. And here's the reason: responding will just spark another debate. Then you'll be drawn back into the dynamic.
    .
    Good point!
    Saying "until x happens, i am not doing x" in his message could be construed as "its over unless you do something".

    So therefore, i could stand behind simply not calling him again.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,358
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Him: "until we can facilitate living together in our own home I canít come round to your house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images"

    You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

    Then you block and delete him so he can't dazzle you with his science a moment longer, you take the time to heal and get therapy to help you with that if need be. You and your son carry on with you being the good mother and provider for him that you are. There is a good man worth being with out there for you but you will never find him if you keep on enabling the turd to distract you from finding him.
    Yes of course she should say this but sadly I don't think she will.

    OP, I do think therapy is a great idea, not only to emotionally disconnect from him, but also to determine why you found/find yourself so drawn to him, unlike any man before him (your words), in the first place.

    To echo my last post, it is very much related to the abuse/rape you experienced in the past, and until you deal with that, these intense, addictive, unhealthy attractions to manipulative and controlling men will continue.

    I do hope you're able find the strength to leave this extremely toxic situation soon, not only for yourself, but also for your son.

    Best of luck.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,358
    Deleted, wrong thread!

  9. #48
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,463
    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option.
    Deflection. This is how he thinks about you. Hence why he didn't get any action while he tried when you were apart.

    The one for you wants you to be in his life 100% with their kids, families, and friends.

    Don't marry him. You will be miserable. Dump, da-da, dump him.

Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst ... 2345

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •