Engaged but he’s clinging on to the past

[abitbroken]

I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

So basically things are , but let’s get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Let’s jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything.

I had always thought we’d live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic.

I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell

Yup. He wants you to give up everything that is rightfully yours.
But WOW -- he is a coward if he leaves a message like this instead of speaking in person.
Bad images of what? Bad images of you having a backbone.

I never advocate breakig up in a text or voicemail - but he has given you the opening. Since he said something major in a message - I'd say something major in a message.
"Sorry, I am not selling my home, and I am not coming over. So it looks like we are done. Please don't contact me again. I will be sending the ring back by certified mail".
(if you do have an engagement ring)

[ThatwasThen]

Him: "until we can facilitate living together in our own home I can’t come round to your house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images"

You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

Then you block and delete him so he can't dazzle you with his science a moment longer, you take the time to heal and get therapy to help you with that if need be. You and your son carry on with you being the good mother and provider for him that you are. There is a good man worth being with out there for you but you will never find him if you keep on enabling the turd to distract you from finding him.

[figureitout23]

I have a super strong feeling there is no engagement ring. As manipulative as this guy is I’m sure they were just words.

[Jibralta]

I'd say something major in a message.
"Sorry, I am not selling my home, and I am not coming over. So it looks like we are done. Please don't contact me again. I will be sending the ring back by certified mail".
(if you do have an engagement ring)

You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

Just speaking for myself here, but I wouldn't even respond at this point. I'd just fade. And here's the reason: responding will just spark another debate. Then you'll be drawn back into the dynamic.

I dealt with a guy like this years ago. To put it most simply, everything became a debate about how his actions were right, and my actions were wrong. And if he did do something wrong, I had no right to complain because I wouldn't commit to being his girlfriend. There was no room in his mind for "Why would I commit to being your girlfriend when you do these questionable things?" That space just wasn't there in his brain.

Granted, this was a very brief relationship. We didn't date much longer than two months. But it took six months to get rid of him because every time I made an effort to thoughtfully respond to his challenges, he invariably tried to twist things back into this situation where he was right and I was wrong.

It was actually scary because I realized I'd become involved with an abuser and that he thrived off of these conflicts. So, instead of engaging him when he texted or emailed, I'd respond with very brief but friendly statements. And you know what happened? He gave up. He found no more fuel with me and moved on to better prospects.

[abitbroken]

Just speaking for myself here, but I wouldn't even respond at this point. I'd just fade. And here's the reason: responding will just spark another debate. Then you'll be drawn back into the dynamic.
.

Good point!
Saying "until x happens, i am not doing x" in his message could be construed as "its over unless you do something".

So therefore, i could stand behind simply not calling him again.

[katrina1980]

Him: "until we can facilitate living together in our own home I can’t come round to your house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images"

You: "Well that settles it then, I hope you have a pleasant life. Please don't contact me again."

Then you block and delete him so he can't dazzle you with his science a moment longer, you take the time to heal and get therapy to help you with that if need be. You and your son carry on with you being the good mother and provider for him that you are. There is a good man worth being with out there for you but you will never find him if you keep on enabling the turd to distract you from finding him.

Yes of course she should say this but sadly I don't think she will.

OP, I do think therapy is a great idea, not only to emotionally disconnect from him, but also to determine why you found/find yourself so drawn to him, unlike any man before him (your words), in the first place.

To echo my last post, it is very much related to the abuse/rape you experienced in the past, and until you deal with that, these intense, addictive, unhealthy attractions to manipulative and controlling men will continue.

I do hope you're able find the strength to leave this extremely toxic situation soon, not only for yourself, but also for your son.

Best of luck.

[katrina1980]

Deleted, wrong thread!

[tattoobunnie]

He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option.

Deflection. This is how he thinks about you. Hence why he didn't get any action while he tried when you were apart.

The one for you wants you to be in his life 100% with their kids, families, and friends.

Don't marry him. You will be miserable. Dump, da-da, dump him.

[weirdpotato]

Ok, so a bit of an update. He went to see a counsellor (my counsellor) to try and ‘process’ and move on from these images in his head and said he wanted to move forward and it would just take time to process so I did my usual and agreed to do whatever it takes.

Since then he has accessed my phone again and read all my messages. I’ve nothing to hide so not worried about that side of it, but the fact he’s done this again says so much. There was a message from a male friend on my phone asking how I was because I’d not been in contact for a while (because fiancé said he wasn’t happy about me contacting him) and I replied with a brief message just saying all was fine. I’ve been going through a tough time recently and have verbalised a few times that I could do with some support but none is given, it’s just a constant push of how he’s struggling to deal with all this and process it, and how I should understand his insecurities. I asked him straight out what he wanted and his answer ‘you know what I want, but I need you to be upfront’ he said I should have told him about the message when it happened. He asked if I’d heard from him again and I said yes, then it blew up again.

August is a ty month for me as it’s the anniversary of the rape and we were due to go away for the weekend next weekend and closer to the date and he messaged last night to say he’s cancelling them because of everything that’s going on. I said I’d get the tickets back to him so he could try and sell them and did he want the engagement ring back too. To which he replied ‘if that’s where your heads at’ Like it’s me creating the issues and being in control!

I can see that this is controlling, but he has done a very good job making me think this is all my fault. My friends and family hate him but that’s because I’ve told them things he’s done and I shouldn’t have because in his mind I’ve just made it harder for him.

I need to end this, I can’t keep going in this cycle and to be honest it feels like he’s pushing so I do end it and he can be the wounded party that everyone feels sorry for ‘she’s dumped me again, it was out the blue and I don't understand it’

How do I deal with the fall out from this, if it’s anything like last time he’ll call/text/email/send flowers. He’ll show up at my door as a broken man saying how much he loves me and how he can’t understand, he’ll say all the things I would kill for him to say just now. How do I keep strong through that?

[MissCanuck]

You keep strong by remembering that he is full of equine manure and he thinks you're not bright enough to realize that.