Engaged but he’s clinging on to the past

[figureitout23]

So why do this to your son? He WILL repeat the pattern. Think about what you'd want his future to be like versus what it will look like if you marry this man.

It doesn't really matter "why" this man is treating you badly. All that matters he is treating you badly, he seems to feel justified in treating you badly and (this is key) HE WILL NOT STOP. It's not like you'll find some magic formula or combination of words and actions that will suddenly make him say "OK, great! Everything's fine now and I will never bring it up or think about it again!!!"

You know that's not going to happen...right?

Bingo........

[bluecastle]

I agree with MissCanuck, as I hinted at in my earlier post. He’s up to something that is no good, knows it, and so he goes after you with accusations to make himself feel better. Whether that no good is him cheating or him just not being authentically in this—which he isn’t—doesn’t really matter. What matters is he’s making you the enemy to avoid having to look at himself in the mirror.

You’re engaged and his kid and ex don’t know this? C’mon. I understand that all that is sensitive—as both a child of divorce and the partner of someone with a child—but that’s just absurd. It’s being a bad partner, a bad parent, a human of lousy character.

[LootieTootie]

My best guess?

He is the one who has been unfaithful and is projecting, or he's met someone else and needs a "reason" to break up with you without admitting the truth.

An ex of mine behaved this way. He was a very manipulative person who at every turn seemed to be making accusations against me. After too much of that nonsense, I ended it (among other reasons, too) and I later discovered he was the one behaving badly when my head was turned. The ones who bark the most loudly about this type of thing are often the ones doing it themselves.

Had the same experience with an ex and as you said... he was the one who accused me of everything he was the one doing behind my back.

Probably why I wanted to be single for a very long time after the break up... Weirdpotato, if you can't love yourself enough to cut this man from your life, then please think about your son. People like your fiancé are cowards, manipulators and self-seeking. Instead of owning up to his role in why your relationship have issues (due to you being kept a secret) he wants to find countless things to pinned you down for.

[purplepaisley]

This man is bad news, abusive, manipulative, and dishonest.

Please tell me; how are you to be a stepmother and participate in raising his child, when this child has no idea who you are?? He does not know who this older stepbrother is? Do you plan to maintain separate residences so that no one knows you're actually married and you're basically just fluff when and if this so-called man decides to get around to you? Are you to hide your and your child's belongings every-other-weekend and you and your 8-year-old will have to have some other place else to sleep when the 5-year-old comes over? You and your child won't be provided for financially because you're this hidden secret?

Is this who you want as a father figure for your child?

As a general rule, boys who grow up in abusive households grow up to be abusers, and girls who grow up in abusive households grow up to be victims of abuse. Is this how you want to raise your boy? Is this really how you want to live your life?

It's time to call a turd a turd throw it away.

[weirdpotato]

I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

So basically things are , but let’s get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Let’s jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything.

I had always thought we’d live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic.

I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell

[MissCanuck]

This guy so has another woman, OP.

[boltnrun]

I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

So basically things are , but let’s get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Let’s jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything.

I had always thought we’d live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic.

I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell

You've always fallen all over yourself to do whatever he wants just to keep him, so he figures you do this for him too. He probably tells people he can get you to do whatever he says.

You do know if you bow down and get rid of your home for him, he'll just demand you do something else.

How does your future with him look now? A lifetime of loving happiness and respect? Or more like more of what's happening now?

Realistically, if you marry him this is how your life will be. Also your son's.

Side note, did you bring that coworker to your home to kiss him? I don't get why selling your home would be a requirement. Except to demonstrate his control over you, of course.

[purplepaisley]

<snip>

Side note, did you bring that coworker to your home to kiss him? I don't get why selling your home would be a requirement. Except to demonstrate his control over you, of course.

Absolutely. It's more than that, though. This is to derail her, and remove one other stable part of her life (I'm sure friends and family are already separating), and place her in a financial state of dependency and another means of control. He will withhold finances, and may even acquire debt of which she will have to contend with. Abusers remove all forms of stability and support system first, and it's a slow boil. She hardly notices it right now. She moved departments and switched jobs already because of him.

OP, please read, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It addresses some of the more subtle forms of abuse (yours is less subtle). Mine was a "Water Torturer" (one of the personality descriptions in the book).

[Jibralta]

I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images.

Here's your out! Sorry it hurts, but grab hold of it. Use this opportunity to fade out of his life.

That whole thing you were saying about things being really good when they are good--that's part of the cycle you're in. Those highs and lows are what keep people hooked on abusive relationships. The lows are crushing, and they make the highs feel greater than what they actually are. It's like an addiction.

You have to figure out how to feel ok with stability. You have to learn to feel ok without these high/low swings in your life.

[katrina1980]

I was raped 16 years ago and the thought of rewarding any man with power makes me sick to my stomach.

Firstly, my previous post was not in judgment of you.

Second, I am sorry for what happened to you 16 years ago. I can relate as I was also sexually assaulted years ago.

Thirdly, this is deep stuff; you may not realize it, but there is a correlation between your being sexually assaulted and your unhealthy attraction to this man who is emotionally "assaulting" you.

This man is bad news, abusive, manipulative, and dishonest.

I've been there, it took me a very long time (years) to realize and understand the correlation, and disconnect emotionally.

Are you or have you been in any sort of therapy to deal with the rape?