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Thread: Engaged but heís clinging on to the past

  1. #21
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    At this point, because you are engaged, its now time to tell the son that he will be marrying you - that you will be his stepmom AND the child's mother should be told, as she has a right to know that her child will be spending time with a stepmom - another "coparent". She has the right to meet you as well.

    I really suggest you break the engagement. There are threads from other people here who have been married for years but keep being bothered by the idea that their wife or husband slept with someone when they broke up years ago during when they were dating. There are people who dated for six months, broke up, dated other people and got together a year after that and still hold it against their husband or wife because they didn't "wait for them".

    He went back to you because he dated a few women, was rejected by them and wanted to see if you would be his backup plan, or realized that he made a mistake and decided that he would try to win you back but on his terms only.

    I am not telling you to break up for what's happening now only, but what happens in year 5 of marraige.

    After you breakup, spend some time in counseling, get yourself all checked out medically and do things that make you feel like you matter -- volunteer for groups that impact people or pets to improve your self esteem

  2. #22
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    Boltnrun - absolutely not, thatís the main reason I divorced his Dad. I didnít want him growing up and using our relationship as a template for his future relationships.

    He has just messaged to say he wanted a Ďclean slateí when we got back together and feels Iím not telling him everything. He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option. Not that I did, but even if Iíd slept with 50 guys, I was single in that time period so I genuinely donít understand the accusations.

    The thing Iím really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, whatís triggered it? Things have been good and weíve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?

    Heís making me feel like I cheated on him, like Iíve betrayed him and that nothing else in the 2 and a half years weíve been together means anything

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    While posting on here Iím also fielding messages from him about why he canít get past it, that Iím the only one heís ever wanted to be with so much,
    Please, this is just another emotional abusive manipulation tactic. You are not there to support and guide him through his insecurity, retroactive jealousy or any of that.

    Ignore such dribble and get on with your day without him in it.

    He's abusing you mentally and emotionally while trying to get you to sooth his ego. He is incapable of self-soothing and uses you for that. I know you'd never want a life of being his emotional tampon. You have too much self-respect for that. It's clear by the very fact you broke up with him because he was keeping you a secret (rightly so, I might add).

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    Boltnrun - absolutely not, thatís the main reason I divorced his Dad. I didnít want him growing up and using our relationship as a template for his future relationships.

    He has just messaged to say he wanted a Ďclean slateí when we got back together and feels Iím not telling him everything. He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option. Not that I did, but even if Iíd slept with 50 guys, I was single in that time period so I genuinely donít understand the accusations.

    The thing Iím really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, whatís triggered it? Things have been good and weíve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?

    Heís making me feel like I cheated on him, like Iíve betrayed him and that nothing else in the 2 and a half years weíve been together means anything
    The issue was ALWAYS there. he kept you a secret. And now that things are't all on his terms (he had to tell people about you and introduce you to people), the fact that he thinks you cheated is his way out that he can take at any moment. He is using an excuse or another to keep from full emotional intimacy and a fully committed relationship. And because of self esteem issues, this is the man you attracted

    Now, i predict he has you in his web. Instead of deciding there is no way you can marry this guy, you will turn yourself into a pretzel to constantly prove it was not cheating or to assuage his fears.
    getting along well lately doesn't cut it. I can get along with people really well that i could never in a million years marry.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    The more you write, the more I feel disturbed by this man.

    OP, you needed this wake-up call. You are not dealing with a decent person.
    Which may actually be part of her attraction. She admitted there is just something about him that keeps her hooked in. Unlike other men in the past.

    He's "dangerous" and thus intriguing, he's got her under sort of a "spell" -- the power she has essentially rewarded him is exciting to her, will keep her hooked in and allow this extremely unhealthy dynamic to continue and thrive.

    Just my take.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    The thing Iím really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, whatís triggered it? Things have been good and weíve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?
    My best guess?

    He is the one who has been unfaithful and is projecting, or he's met someone else and needs a "reason" to break up with you without admitting the truth.

    An ex of mine behaved this way. He was a very manipulative person who at every turn seemed to be making accusations against me. After too much of that nonsense, I ended it (among other reasons, too) and I later discovered he was the one behaving badly when my head was turned. The ones who bark the most loudly about this type of thing are often the ones doing it themselves. They know what they get up to when you're not looking, and they have themselves convinced you must be doing it too.

    In the end, the reason he's doing it isn't terribly important. What does matter is that he does this at all, and keeps you hidden. None of this is healthy, OP, and it's time you strongly consider ending it for good.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    Boltnrun - absolutely not, thatís the main reason I divorced his Dad. I didnít want him growing up and using our relationship as a template for his future relationships.

    He has just messaged to say he wanted a Ďclean slateí when we got back together and feels Iím not telling him everything. He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option. Not that I did, but even if Iíd slept with 50 guys, I was single in that time period so I genuinely donít understand the accusations.

    The thing Iím really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, whatís triggered it? Things have been good and weíve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?

    Heís making me feel like I cheated on him, like Iíve betrayed him and that nothing else in the 2 and a half years weíve been together means anything
    So why do this to your son? He WILL repeat the pattern. Think about what you'd want his future to be like versus what it will look like if you marry this man.

    It doesn't really matter "why" this man is treating you badly. All that matters he is treating you badly, he seems to feel justified in treating you badly and (this is key) HE WILL NOT STOP. It's not like you'll find some magic formula or combination of words and actions that will suddenly make him say "OK, great! Everything's fine now and I will never bring it up or think about it again!!!"

    You know that's not going to happen...right?

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Which may actually be part of her attraction. She admitted there is just something about him that keeps her hooked in. Unlike other men in the past.

    He's "dangerous" and thus intriguing, he's got her under sort of a "spell" -- the power she has essentially rewarded him is exciting to her, will keep her hooked in and allow this extremely unhealthy dynamic to continue and thrive.

    Just my take.
    This is absolutely not the case, danger does not attract me. I was raped 16 years ago and the thought of rewarding any man with power makes me sick to my stomach. The reason I feel tied to him is that he has encouraged me to seek counselling to deal with it and is the first man since then thatís made me feel safe physically. I know that emotionally things are far from good and reading the comments on here Iím starting to feel like perhaps If he makes me feel safe, he knows Iím unlikely to want to risk going out into the big bad world because thatís not safe.

    My ex husband played on it to his benefit, but I would never think my current fiancť would do it.

  10. #29
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    The thing Iím really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, whatís triggered it? Things have been good and weíve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?
    Have you noticed that when "things have been good" that there is alway something that makes them not good once again?

    Girl... Listen to your gut. You know going forth with this guy will be hell for you and your son so just pull the plug now and stop trying to analyse his motives. He's not stable in his commitment to you. He's shown you that twice now so heed the facts.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    My best guess?

    He is the one who has been unfaithful and is projecting, or he's met someone else and needs a "reason" to break up with you without admitting the truth.

    An ex of mine behaved this way. He was a very manipulative person who at every turn seemed to be making accusations against me. After too much of that nonsense, I ended it (among other reasons, too) and I later discovered he was the one behaving badly when my head was turned. The ones who bark the most loudly about this type of thing are often the ones doing it themselves. They know what they get up to when you're not looking, and they have themselves convinced you must be doing it too.

    In the end, the reason he's doing it isn't terribly important. What does matter is that he does this at all, and keeps you hidden. None of this is healthy, OP, and it's time you strongly consider ending it for good.
    Since you already know he cheated on his ex wife this scenario is not all that hard to believe.

    OP, why agree to marry a man you already had to break up with once because he wasn't treating you with respect (hiding you) and who you know has a history of cheating?

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