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Thread: Engaged but heís clinging on to the past

  1. #11
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    I didnít have any conditions when we got back together, not one. He said when we split heíd had to explain to his family why he was upset so by default theyíd learned about me. I just wanted to be together again and look to the future.

    As an intelligent, successful woman with an incredible son who is an absolute joy, I realise this story makes me sound quite pathetic...which annoys me! Iíve been through some proper crap times and always come out fighting (eventually) but I donít know why I feel like I need him so much. Iíve never felt this tied to someone emotionally, and I just keep hoping it will get better. When things are good theyíre great but it always cycles back to this and then him not speaking or saying he has Ďnothing good in his lifeí

    I promised him I would never end things again after the last time, because he said that was a big worry for him, but it feels like he just keeps pushing me as close to the edge as he can then pulls me back. I canít keep doing this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and drama free!
    Well these statements are a contradiction... to the reality of your situation and your previous statement that you have low self esteem. You said it not us. I believe that not this, someone with high self worth wouldnít put up with half the crap heís thrown at you.

    Also, donít be so sure heís being faithful and honest. His reaction to your transgressions all the while still hiding you from his ex and son....how convenient...is laughable.

    One thing he is right about though, donít ever again use breaking up as a bargaining chip, the statement I promised not to do that again because it scares him, means your breaking up was never final, it was to get a reaction and what you wanted, the same thing youre considering now... if you were breaking up because you were done his feelings about it would be null and void...

    This is just all bad. I personally think you should break up and take a dating break to work on your self esteem.

  2. #12
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    I do have low self esteem, and he knows that. I know itís a contradiction but at work and as a mum I have no issues with knowing Iím good enough, but with relationships I never feel like Iím someoneís best option. I get thatís a massive contradiction, but itís something Iím working on.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    I didnít have any conditions when we got back together, not one. He said when we split heíd had to explain to his family why he was upset so by default theyíd learned about me. I just wanted to be together again and look to the future.
    Then pray tell why you would hold such a boundary as to break up with him because he was keeping you a secret? You took him back under the very same condition you left him for. You failed yourself and your emotional well being that way.

    As an intelligent, successful woman with an incredible son who is an absolute joy, I realise this story makes me sound quite pathetic...which annoys me! Iíve been through some proper crap times and always come out fighting (eventually) but I donít know why I feel like I need him so much. Iíve never felt this tied to someone emotionally, and I just keep hoping it will get better.
    Apparently you have a strong need to "win" then you actually have self worth. Winning isn't always the better outcome. You "won" him back but your prize is an arsehole, egotistical d-bag who likes to see you always in his power. I'd say you are "so tied to him" because subconsciously you feel you lost.

    When things are good theyíre great but it always cycles back to this and then him not speaking or saying he has Ďnothing good in his lifeí
    You are a well established, independent woman. Wake up chickie and chuck this boy-man. You and your son can do better than him.

    I promised him I would never end things again after the last time, because he said that was a big worry for him, but it feels like he just keeps pushing me as close to the edge as he can then pulls me back. I canít keep doing this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and drama free!
    Then take back your personal power from him, tell him that you are reneging on your promise because it's obvious that your self-respect will not let you be happy with a man that judges you so and then block and delete him from manipulating you out of your good sense yet again.

    The man has dazzled you with his science for far too long. You are wasting good dating years on a turd whose need to "win" appears to be even greater than your own.

    If he sends you another flower, dump it in the trash and get on with your day. Its just another form of manipulation so he wins.

  4. #14
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    Breaking up was never a Ďbargaining chipí I couldnít continue the way things were and there was no sign of anything changing. I was done, it wasnít attention seeking or to make him chase after me.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    I do have low self esteem, and he knows that. I know itís a contradiction but at work and as a mum I have no issues with knowing Iím good enough, but with relationships I never feel like Iím someoneís best option. I get thatís a massive contradiction, but itís something Iím working on.
    You're choosing men who tell you flat out you're "not good enough". It's no wonder you feel insecure and unsettled and like you have to be the one to "change" or adjust.

    Maybe ask yourself why you'd want to tie yourself FOR LIFE to someone who keeps telling you you're flawed. Were your parents overly critical or dismissive of your accomplishments?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    I have no issues with knowing Iím good enough, but with relationships I never feel like Iím someoneís best option. I get thatís a massive contradiction, but itís something Iím working on.
    I say this with respect, but how exactly does staying with a guy who keeps you a secret "working on" feeling like you're not someone's best option?

    Your current choices are totally counterproductive to your overall goals for yourself, here.

  8. #17
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    Thanks ThatWasThen, Iíve read that message 3 times now and itís starting to sink in.

    While posting on here Iím also fielding messages from him about why he canít get past it, that Iím the only one heís ever wanted to be with so much, and Iím being as strong as I can be just repeatedly saying that he either moves past it or doesnít but if he canít then Iím done.

    He is quoting messages he read nearly a year ago which makes me think heís taken a picture of them as I canít remember things I texted yesterday! Iím trying to stay as strong as I can with this. Thank you all for your comments, I need someone elseís perspective to try and deal with this.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just going to chime in here and agree with every word being written by everyone.

    This guy? This is not a good guy. At all. TwT is really nailing is so I'm not going to beat the drum too much.

    But, I'm sorry, this business about not being able to let go of you kissing some guy while he was going on dates? Everything behind that is everything in life you want to steer clear of. I get that somewhere in there you see care, affection. It's not that. It's self-obsession and, I'd venture, shame at something you don't know about him being weaponized and redirected at you.

    This is a man who is straight-up immune to being honestónot with himself and, by extension, not with others.

  10. #19
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    Do you want your son to see this man treating you like this (yes, he does too notice)?

    Would you like your son's future spouse treating him like this man is treating you?

    Would you be fine excusing your son being treated like this by saying "oh, well he has low self esteem, so it's ok!"?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by weirdpotato
    He is quoting messages he read nearly a year ago which makes me think heís taken a picture of them as I canít remember things I texted yesterday!
    The more you write, the more I feel disturbed by this man.

    OP, you needed this wake-up call. You are not dealing with a decent person.

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