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Thread: BF Wants Break due to Stress

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs

    if she does small things to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce his stress, they will have a better chance of getting through this.
    I'm confused by this advice.

    Temporary or not, he broke up with her.

    But the suggestion is for her to do small things for him regardless, after he essentially dumped her?

    Whether he wanted this "break" to pursue another women or not, her doing "anything" for him is what he's trying to get away from.

    At least for now.

    OP, if you are still reading, leave him alone. Don't do anything for him, if he wanted your help, he would have asked you for it or talked to you about it.

    Not told you he wanted a break from you.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I'm confused by this advice.

    Temporary or not, he broke up with her.

    But the suggestion is for her to do small things for him regardless, after he essentially dumped her?

    Whether he wanted this "break" to pursue another women or not, her doing "anything" for him is what he's trying to get away from.

    At least for now.

    OP, if you are still reading, leave him alone. Don't do anything for him, if he wanted your help, he would have asked you for it or talked to you about it.

    Not told you he wanted a break from you.
    I didnít think they actually broke up? I thought they just wanted a break?

    My advice was based on when I was working 18 hour days too. If my boyfriend at the time had offered just one of those things, my quality of life wouldíve improve significantly. I had considered asking for space or a break during that time - I struggled with juggling him, my regular life things (like laundry!) and working 18 hour days, 6 days a week.

    I didnít take a break or break up - but man. I ended up in urgent care one day from the stress.


    So thatís where my advice comes from. Itís not just the STRESSED person who needs to cope. The other person should, in my opinion, help where possible. Otherwise, why should they remain together?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by glittergirl2
    BF started a new job about a month ago that has heavier work hours and intensity. They have a big deadline next month and everyone on the team has been working 17+ hour days.

    Since the job started, we have been spending less time together and talking less. Several days ago he told me (through a lot of tears)that he's been so overwhelmed with the increased hours and it adds to his stress that he isn't able to spend as much time with me or be there for me as much as I deserve. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.

    Not sure how to best proceed. I am definitely focusing on living my own life and not focusing on him. I just don't know if this is even worth my energy to consider at all. It's been really hard
    Are you looking for a serious, long term, committed relationship? If yes, then I think you should cut ties here and move on to greener pastures. He is someone who thinks it is ok to put his relationships on hold just because life got a little tougher. That is not serious, long term, committed relationship material. I think it would suck for you if you ended up marrying someone like this.

  4. #24
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    Honestly, let him go.
    Everyone understands a crazy work schedule and seeing someone when you can.
    To "take a break" and then still see someone doesn't make sense.
    If he wants a break - give him one. Do not call him. But also do not wait for him. Spend time with friends and meet other people.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    I didnít think they actually broke up? I thought they just wanted a break?

    My advice was based on when I was working 18 hour days too. If my boyfriend at the time had offered just one of those things, my quality of life wouldíve improve significantly. I had considered asking for space or a break during that time - I struggled with juggling him, my regular life things (like laundry!) and working 18 hour days, 6 days a week.

    I didnít take a break or break up - but man. I ended up in urgent care one day from the stress.


    So thatís where my advice comes from. Itís not just the STRESSED person who needs to cope. The other person should, in my opinion, help where possible. Otherwise, why should they remain together?
    Fair enough, and I would agree except for the fact OP's bf did ask for break.

    Which I think to most people means temporary "break up" otherwise he would have simply told her he'd be very busy for the next few weeks and would not be able to spend much time with her.

    And had that been what he did, I agree, her doing small things for him might help alleviate his stress.

    Not crying telling her he needs a "break" (from her, the relationship)

    Also consider the other facts. He just starts a new job where he is meeting new people - new women. Working closely together which tends to bond people.

    Then very shortly after he's suddenly overloaded with all this work, 17 hour days, comes to her crying, and asks for this temporary break up.

    Coincidence? Maybe, but my spiney senses tell me differently.

    But who knows! We know nothing about their relationship prior to this, how long they have been dating etc and the OP seems to have left the building so we will most likely never know.

  7. #26
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    Yeah, she hasn't been back since the day she posted.

    I do agree that if her BF would have appreciated small help (food, laundry) he wouldn't have asked for a "break"and cried.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Yeah, she hasn't been back since the day she posted.

    I do agree that if her BF would have appreciated small help (food, laundry) he wouldn't have asked for a "break"and cried.
    But thatís one side of the story. We also donít know if she was adding to his stress.

    My BF at the time insisted I go to his place after work (an hour away) while he played video games. I wasnít mature enough to say no, but he contributed to my stress a lot.

    Iím not saying my POV is right - just want to remind others that itís possible. It wouldnít have been immature in my case to ask for a break - frankly, it wouldíve been more mature - because I was so stressed and my bf at the time added to it. But I was so overwhelmed that I couldnít think clearly.

    Iím just saying itís good to consider the possibilities.

    Hereís a story from stress: one time I was looking for my Fitbit charger. I couldnít find it. I was in the midst of 80-100 hour work weeks. My bf asked what was wrong and I started SOBBING.

    Clearly the Fitbit wasnít the main issue. Iím just saying stress manifests itself in weird ways, especially in people who havenít had to cope with it.

    And no, anyone who says ďeveryone experiences that stress and needs to work through itĒ is naive - a 50 hour work week is enough to stress most people, let alone working 6 am - midnight. So thatís why I keep pushing my POV. Iíve done it and it sucks, so if the OPís bf is stressed like this, I just want this perspective considered.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    But thatís one side of the story. We also donít know if she was adding to his stress.

    My BF at the time insisted I go to his place after work (an hour away) while he played video games. I wasnít mature enough to say no, but he contributed to my stress a lot.

    Iím not saying my POV is right - just want to remind others that itís possible. It wouldnít have been immature in my case to ask for a break - frankly, it wouldíve been more mature - because I was so stressed and my bf at the time added to it. But I was so overwhelmed that I couldnít think clearly.

    Iím just saying itís good to consider the possibilities.

    Hereís a story from stress: one time I was looking for my Fitbit charger. I couldnít find it. I was in the midst of 80-100 hour work weeks. My bf asked what was wrong and I started SOBBING.

    Clearly the Fitbit wasnít the main issue. Iím just saying stress manifests itself in weird ways, especially in people who havenít had to cope with it.

    And no, anyone who says ďeveryone experiences that stress and needs to work through itĒ is naive - a 50 hour work week is enough to stress most people, let alone working 6 am - midnight. So thatís why I keep pushing my POV. Iíve done it and it sucks, so if the OPís bf is stressed like this, I just want this perspective considered.
    I had the same experience except I broke down finally over a snarky waiter (I cried/sobbed in the bathroom when we got home). The difference was I didn't ask for a break and not to see my boyfriend. I stayed the course with him. Had I needed temporary space, a night away, a day, days, sure -or if I felt he didn't get it (in that case, he did!) I would have told him so and talked it out -while staying in the relationship, not asking for break from the relationship, just a break for me time. There's a difference and to me significant -he asked her for a break from the relationship with the whole "I can't give you what you need" -self-serving stuff. Rather than "I need a break to regroup and get my laundry done, breathe - I'll see you on ____ or maybe before."

  10. #29
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I had the same experience except I broke down finally over a snarky waiter (I cried/sobbed in the bathroom when we got home). The difference was I didn't ask for a break and not to see my boyfriend. I stayed the course with him. Had I needed temporary space, a night away, a day, days, sure -or if I felt he didn't get it (in that case, he did!) I would have told him so and talked it out -while staying in the relationship, not asking for break from the relationship, just a break for me time. There's a difference and to me significant -he asked her for a break from the relationship with the whole "I can't give you what you need" -self-serving stuff. Rather than "I need a break to regroup and get my laundry done, breathe - I'll see you on ____ or maybe before."
    I agree with you. Iím not saying heís faultless (if this stress scenario is the truth in his case). Just that he may not handle it well, so offering up some help may reveal whatís really going on.

    I was wondering if you had had a similar experience! Iíve seen your posts about working hard in your younger days so I figured you might.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    OP obviously has no intent to follow-up. If the guy's legit working 17-hours, I have no reason to assume he's looking to bang anyone in the broom closet in the meantime. That's why knowing exactly what this guy meant as a "break" mattered to me. If it was literally "we're not going to be a couple / I'll be a free agent for this next month," then again, no real positive way I could begin to spin it. If it's a matter of him still being committed to her but wanting a "break" from being beholden to reliably communicating and meeting with her at the level she's expecting during this crunch-time, then I'd argue there's more room for reflection on whether he can't properly function / is in the wrong relationship or if the OP can't indeed scale back and approach her expectations more healthily to better facilitate him doing the same.

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