Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 58

Thread: BF Wants Break due to Stress

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,305
    Gender
    Male
    Did he met someone at work? The crocodile tears, the guilt, the "it's me,not you", "can't give you what you deserve','take a break but still hang out'.

    If this were about work he would simply explain that he is overwhelmed/busy and you'll spend more time later. Instead he wants to quasi break up and demote you to fwb..
    Originally Posted by glittergirl2
    Several days ago he told me (through a lot of tears)that he's been so overwhelmed with the increased hours and it adds to his stress that he isn't able to spend as much time with me or be there for me as much as I deserve. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.

  2. #12
    Member rubixcube19's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    34
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by glittergirl2
    BF started a new job about a month ago that has heavier work hours and intensity. They have a big deadline next month and everyone on the team has been working 17+ hour days.

    Since the job started, we have been spending less time together and talking less. Several days ago he told me (through a lot of tears)that he's been so overwhelmed with the increased hours and it adds to his stress that he isn't able to spend as much time with me or be there for me as much as I deserve. He wants to be on a break until the deadline is over, but still wants to talk and hang out when we are able.

    Not sure how to best proceed. I am definitely focusing on living my own life and not focusing on him. I just don't know if this is even worth my energy to consider at all. It's been really hard
    Yeah, that's quite conflicting. My immediate thought is, those tears? It's not due to stress but guilt. I have very little doubt in my mind that he doesn't have someone on the side. He wants to take a break but still wants to hang out and talk? Does that really not defeat the purpose of a break? That sounds more like "Well it's ok to sleep with another woman because we were on a break." Chances are, its with a woman that works with or under him who might also be under the deadline.

    It doesn't look like the both of you are that close anyway, judging by the last line of your post. I am sure you will get over it quick enough.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,835
    People experiencing intense situations often bond emotionally.

    I too think he's finding himself attracted to someone on his team, and wants this "break" to explore those possibilities guilt-free.

  4. #14
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    614
    Break up with him. Something tells me he's going to have a massive shift in his schedule once you do and he'll be calling or texting all the time once you're gone.

    I had a similar situation with a girl about a year ago. We've been dating about three months and all of a sudden she started working 15 hour days. She was never available on weekends and so therefore I stopped dating her. She was "amazed that I could make such a decision". I didn't know if she was seeing someone else or whatever. However, I had neither the time or the inclination to find out the hard way.

    So I left. It was easy and I don't regret it. Neither will you.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,484
    Gender
    Female
    Best case scenario: he perceives you as another stressor that he wants to eliminate. He sees you as part of the problem instead of as part of the solution. What does that say about your relationship? Imo, it indicates that he doesn't view you as someone he wants to spend all the rest of his life with.

    Worst case scenario: he has spotted someone new and is looking to monkey branch.

    Only you know the dynamics of your relationship and whether you have contributed to getting here. However, upon hearing such bs my instinct would be to break up for good on the grounds of being with someone who doesn't view me as the one. Being seen as a stressor in need of elimination is a huge red flag imo.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    3,965
    Originally Posted by Clio
    Best case scenario: he perceives you as another stressor that he wants to eliminate. He sees you as part of the problem instead of as part of the solution. What does that say about your relationship? Imo, it indicates that he doesn't view you as someone he wants to spend all the rest of his life with.

    Worst case scenario: he has spotted someone new and is looking to monkey branch.

    Only you know the dynamics of your relationship and whether you have contributed to getting here. However, upon hearing such bs my instinct would be to break up for good on the grounds of being with someone who doesn't view me as the one. Being seen as a stressor in need of elimination is a huge red flag imo.
    I disagree. He may not know how to cope. Iíve been in that position, which is why I gave the advice I did: if she does small things to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce his stress, they will have a better chance of getting through this.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,484
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    I disagree. He may not know how to cope. Iíve been in that position, which is why I gave the advice I did: if she does small things to SIGNIFICANTLY reduce his stress, they will have a better chance of getting through this.
    That's my opinion based on some personal experience of my own and I stand by it. Imo, rewarding such crappy behaviour is unlikely to end well for the OP. At best, he sounds too weak and quick to throw in the towel when the going gets tough and life is tough. Imo, anyone throwing their partner under the bus like that when stressed aren't worth the effort. If he doesn't know how to cope without hurting his partner then he is too immature to be in a serious relationship.
    Last edited by Clio; 07-07-2019 at 03:15 AM.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,023
    Originally Posted by j.man
    Has he said he wants a break from being in a relationship with you? Or are you perhaps complaining about a lack of attention during these 17+ hour days and he's essentially asking for a break from these expectations? It can be difficult to discern whether he's someone who simply can't cut it when the going gets tough or whether your expectations may be unreasonable.
    I have the same questions.

    OP, can you clarify?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,175
    Originally Posted by Clio
    That's my opinion based on some personal experience of my own and I stand by it. Imo, rewarding such crappy behaviour is unlikely to end well for the OP. At best, he sounds too weak and quick to throw in the towel when the going gets tough and life is tough. Imo, anyone throwing their partner under the bus like that when stressed aren't worth the effort. If he doesn't know how to cope without hurting his partner then he is too immature to be in a serious relationship.
    I agree with this. If instead he said something like (as has happened to me in real life on both sides) "I am overwhelmed at work and I'm sorry but I need the day to myself just to regroup, take some me time- please don't take it personally" or "I know you want to go out Friday and Saturday nights but now I have to work Saturday and honestly I just want to watch a stupid show to distract and get my mind off things." Like that. Or expressing concern about how life is different now and you feel guilty about not spending time, etc and you talk about it and together come up with a plan or the other person can assure the person that it's all good.

    About 26 years ago I was seriously dating someone who had just finished the same intense grad program I was immersed in. There was a strong storm one night and my boyfriend got stranded in the city (lived in the burbs) because he worked in the city. I had a huge exam a few days later and needed to buckle down and study -I was so so stressed! I lived with my parents and he asked if he could stay over (in my room ,yes my parents allowed this) - I said no - because I needed zero distractions and good sleep - and he had a place to go -he could crash at his friends. He was upset and yes I chose my work/studies over him but no I didn't throw in the towel and neither did he - he didn't get it since he didn't get as intense as I did about grad school but since we were a "we" we talked it out and all was ok (I would have paid for a hotel room for him if I had to, as well).

  11. #20
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Why do you have to take a "break" if he still has time to talk and hang out occasionally?
    Good point right here

Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •