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tired of my wife overreacting to everything.


silver756

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i really need help guys, my wife over reacts to the tiniest issue and makes it a huge deal. how do i handle this?

 

for example: we have a son 6 years of age. when he was young he was fed bread and butter or anything with bread without the crust(the hard outer part of the bread) now he is 6 and he obviously can eat the whole bread but doesnt want to until the crust is removed. i tried the rewarding approach and told him that if he eats the whole bread any day he gets 1 point, and after 20points i will reward him with a gift.

now i may be wrong for this approach but i dont think i deserve to be looked at like a criminal for this.

however my wife reacted that way. ,"how can you do this to him? how can you force him to eat full bread. you have no right to reward him over food and eating habits. ask anyone and they will tell you how bad it is to do this to a child. you are traumatising him".

 

traumatising a child by offering him a reward to drop an extravagant habit?

she made this issue like i had just committed a grave crime.

 

this is always the case. i can no longer even sit to talk with her beacause we may be discussing one issue and then next thing she is arguing with me about something that doesnt relate to us or accusing and fighting with me about something i have never done. fighting with me that i might do it.

 

if we have 2 different opinions and she thinks she is right then i must think thats right aswel, otherwise am looked at like a criminal. and later she tells me why cant we agree to disagree. if we disagree then why does she make it such a fuss?

 

please help me deal with this.

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Marriage counseling? They can help “fine tune” your marriage and communication skills as a couple. It’s not only for couples about to breakup.

 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your system. I think it’s normal for two individuals trying to co-parent to sometimes have different opinions about techniques. The key is compromise. Sometimes it’s your way, sometimes it’s her way (but not with the same subject - ie: you compromise on which battle to pick with each other, not give conflicting messages to the child).

 

Sounds like normal stuff to me... but it also sounds like you don’t trust each other. She doesn’t trust you not to traumatize your child (?) and you don’t trust her to sometimes take your point of view into account.

 

Could probably use a tune-up before things deteriorate further. Maybe there are deeper things at play.

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I used the reward system, it was fun for all of us and it worked.

 

I can understand why a parent would want to encourage their 6 year old to eat bread crust. If you continue with the special meals, you will end up with a fussy child.

 

yes and thats what i thought, there are orphans around the world who would happily eat the crust as a meal for the day, and so i thought i am doing something good by teaching my child not to waste away food by the reward approach. my son isnt fussy at all with food. i wouldnt mind if he refuses to eat the crust either but it always good to teach your child the value of every grain of rice. in this case wheatpowder.

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If you are worried about wasting food then have your wife save the crusts and grind them up for bread crumbs. Stop making such a big deal out of it for goodness sakes there are more important things to be ironed out in your marriage than what you son eats or doesn't eat for goodness sakes. The fact that he is eating the sandwich in general is most important. Bribing him so that you get your way is beyond unnecessary.

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If you are worried about wasting food then have your wife save the crusts and grind them up for bread crumbs. Stop making such a big deal out of it for goodness sakes there are more important things to be ironed out in your marriage than what you son eats or doesn't eat for goodness sakes.

 

TWT - with all due respect, I think the OP is using the bread story as an example of what is going on with his marriage. Sounds to me as if his wife has some other issues she is not talking about...

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TWT - with all due respect, I think the OP is using the bread story as an example of what is going on with his marriage. Sounds to me as if his wife has some other issues she is not talking about...
With all due respect right back at you, Camber...

If he is just using it as an example, why the need to talk about starving people and the value of every grain of rice? If the Op has an issue with his wife/marriage then why make his son the focus? Why say she is making a big deal out of things when he is doing exactly the same thing?

 

Yes, I think his (apparent) controlling nature and her response to it indicates bigger fish to fry in his marriage but that is not what the opening post is about. It is about his kid and his need to make him eat the crust.

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With all due respect right back at you, Camber...

If he is just using it as an example, why the need to talk about starving people and the value of every grain of rice? If the Op has an issue with his wife/marriage then why make his son the focus? Why say she is making a big deal out of things when he is doing exactly the same thing?

 

Yes, I think his (apparent) controlling nature and her response to it indicates bigger fish to fry in his marriage but that is not what the opening post is about. It is about his kid and his need to make him eat the crust.

 

Still not seeing it... I think you are focusing on the wrong aspect of the OP. He doesn't sound at all obsessive or controlling, and the thing with the bread is pretty normal parenting! Reward systems are fun, they in no way traumatize a child. Dear me, our society has become so pathetically soft - we're doomed! :eek:

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This post gave me a blast from the past. My mother ALWAYS cut the crust off of my bread when I was a kid. For some reason, I couldn't abide the crust. It was never an issue, and I was such a picky eater that she was grateful for anything I ate.

 

I say, don't die on this hill. I turned out perfectly normal (kind of). ;)

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When I got tired of hearing my parents try to guilt me into eating some crappy food, I offered to mail it to the "starving children in Africa" so they'd just stop it. I was probably 10 years old. I even had the box ready!

 

Is this the hill to die on?

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This has little to do with bread crusts, OP.

 

How has the relationship between you and your wife been over the last few years? When couples are fighting about relatively minor issues, it's often because the bigger issues are not being addressed and resentment is building quicklu.

 

Can you identify what any of this bigger issues might be?

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i would gladly compromise on any issue, at first she was a stay at home mom, now i am a stay at home dad workiing online and she works morning 8am to 1pm

 

i really dont know if am trying to be controlling. please read below.

 

so last sunday she said we go to childrens fair and we went, he played there and then he saw toys. so i bought for him 1, a toy priced at 5usd. i was lectured, why did you buy him this toy here when we can get the same thing elsewhere at half price. and i was looked at with disgust.

 

would any of you parents take your child to place loaded with toys and deny him? or tell him i will buy the same thing for you tomorow when we go downtown? i was told off.

 

ironically she the madam wants to eat burgers double price there when she can eat them half priced at home. is that really fair, i eat out because i came out and saw a restaurant although it wasnt our plan to eat out. but i deny my child a 5usd toy despite the fact that i came here for him. however i let it go and dint say anything.

 

would you as a mother or father see the need to consult your partner to buy a5usd toy?

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Still not seeing it... I think you are focusing on the wrong aspect of the OP. He doesn't sound at all obsessive or controlling, and the thing with the bread is pretty normal parenting! Reward systems are fun, they in no way traumatize a child. Dear me, our society has become so pathetically soft - we're doomed! :eek:

 

We shall agree to disagree then.

Other than a reward system that has been happening for years (even teachers use if with stars and stickers). I just don't think he should be so over-the-top about some bloody crusts on bread. Most toddlers turn their nose up at the crust if the truth be known and they go onto eat the whole sandwich as their taste buds mature. Many consider the crust something to hold onto while you eat the pleasant textured soft part of the bread.

As for your last post, Op: Your wife is the one that made the mountain out of the molehill in that situation. Bottom line: You both need to come together on your parenting dos and don'ts so you should sit down and come up with a plan wherein you will STOP nagging one another about how to bring up your child. The need for control is evident in both of you. You also both need to stop sweating the small stuff and leave your son alone about such trivial matters.

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This has little to do with bread crusts, OP.

 

How has the relationship between you and your wife been over the last few years? When couples are fighting about relatively minor issues, it's often because the bigger issues are not being addressed and resentment is building quicklu.

 

Can you identify what any of this bigger issues might be?

 

ok so our life hasnt been so great with finance, we dont have the luxury lifestyle that we both wanted. i had my own business and things went downhill, she always suggested i get employed. i always refused to get employed. she too wanted to work but could due to her nationality, she always felt she had wasted away her life studying. now i am crytpo and forex trader making a decnt living from it. but now she works and is happy. but her behaviour towards me has been the same even at the start of our married life.

 

for example if were watching a movie, i must keep hugging her the entire movie. the day when i want to sit solo she makes it a big deal. m i wrong to want to sit without hugging?

 

if she goes out with our son and buys him sweets its fine. if i do its like the end of the world at home. and her reason is she can buy him sweets beacuse she is the mother and spends most time with him. now although its stopped because she works.

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The bread may symbolize how the child was coddled before by mother removing the crust. Now that he is a "big boy" and fully capable of eating a variety of textures, he should not be coddled. It is one thing if the CHILD removes the crust, but its another one if he won't eat unless Mommy removes the crust. I mean, how is this kid going to function in school, daycare, on a field trip where the child needs to eat autonomously? By teaching the child they cannot eat unless someone removes their crust, Mom is creating a dependency

 

To me, I would say to the wife "let's stop doing this. The child will either suffer the consequences and go hungry, or he will learn to remove the crust, or he will just eat it all because he really will realize its no big deal"

 

Its about Self-sufficiency. My niece would not drink unless it was in a red cup. She was not autistic, nor had sensory issues. She was over at my house and i don't have a red cup. so she threw a tantrum, went thirsty, and then eventually decided she was thirsty enough to drink from another cup. Problem solved. she only pulls it in front of her coddling father now. If he is not around, she knows she can't get away with it and has adapted. She drinks out of any colored cup = even a clear glass.

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i have tried to sit her down and talk, its going nowhere. we start a discussion, she tells me what she feels i am doing wrong i agree to some, some i explain why i feel arent wrong. ok

now i tell her what i feel she is doing wrong and should change, everything is a no. she is always right.

 

ok another example. i believe in making your child do things the fun way. when its his bath time he always makes a fuss, i play with him, crack some jokes, he forgets he was fussing and goes to bath. all good. mission accomplished. 3-4 days ago he was going to bath and was running around and she was standing there telling him to bath. he dropped som papers and i looked at him and told him to pick them up so i dont know what he found so funny in that and started laughing hysterically.

 

she started blasting off at me that i am making him naughty.

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Get a dog. My dogs love the crust. Problem solved. Now as far as the irritated wife,.... yeah, probably get a dog.

 

haha get a dog? my son wanted to keep a kitten and i was told to get a house with a garden to keep a kitten. otherwise no pets will be allowed!

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i would gladly compromise on any issue, at first she was a stay at home mom, now i am a stay at home dad workiing online and she works morning 8am to 1pm

 

i really dont know if am trying to be controlling. please read below.

 

so last sunday she said we go to childrens fair and we went, he played there and then he saw toys. so i bought for him 1, a toy priced at 5usd. i was lectured, why did you buy him this toy here when we can get the same thing elsewhere at half price. and i was looked at with disgust.

 

would any of you parents take your child to place loaded with toys and deny him? or tell him i will buy the same thing for you tomorow when we go downtown? i was told off.

 

ironically she the madam wants to eat burgers double price there when she can eat them half priced at home. is that really fair, i eat out because i came out and saw a restaurant although it wasnt our plan to eat out. but i deny my child a 5usd toy despite the fact that i came here for him. however i let it go and dint say anything.

 

would you as a mother or father see the need to consult your partner to buy a5usd toy?

 

If it was a family vacation or something special like going to Disney, I would have absolutely bought a toy. But we were told "You could buy this, or we could wait and see if there is something you like better"

But if it was a street fair that you were going to be at for 30 minutes, we were told we could spend our allowance but our parents wouldn't buy it or "remember, you saw something you liked at the store, what would you rather have?"

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i have tried to sit her down and talk, its going nowhere. we start a discussion, she tells me what she feels i am doing wrong i agree to some, some i explain why i feel arent wrong. ok

now i tell her what i feel she is doing wrong and should change, everything is a no. she is always right.

 

ok another example. i believe in making your child do things the fun way. when its his bath time he always makes a fuss, i play with him, crack some jokes, he forgets he was fussing and goes to bath. all good. mission accomplished. 3-4 days ago he was going to bath and was running around and she was standing there telling him to bath. he dropped som papers and i looked at him and told him to pick them up so i dont know what he found so funny in that and started laughing hysterically.

 

she started blasting off at me that i am making him naughty.

Then divorce her cause she's not going to let you be the boss of anything. (that still doesn't change my mind about your over the top stance on bread crusts though :D)

 

If you don't want to divorce her then I suggest you go to marriage counseling so that MAYBE she will let go of needing it to be her way or the highway and it MAY help you to let go of feeling like you have to interfere when she is clearly in the middle of handling the situation. You are at odds with one another in your parenting for sure. You clearly don't do things her way and so she is feeling the need to tell you about it which in turns makes you resentful.

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What i see is a mother trying to constantly undermine her husband vs being a united front. Even if they are in agreement on childraising in some areas, she quickly in front of the child shows that she disagrees with dad. She is telling you she has higher privelege as a mother and can do things you cannot (if we were talking about breastfeeding or giving birth - then no one can argue with that) but if she feels that mothers can give more candy just because they are a mother, then that's bunk. Grandparents can pull that card occasionally, though). Could she be jealous that you seem to have a better handle sometimes to get good behavior from the child, while she does not?

 

Next time you go take the child to a fair, agree ahead of time if you will buy a souvenir for your kid or not -- and if you agree no, or you agree yes, can you both stick to it? I bet if you agree with her that its a no, then she will do a 180 at the fair and indulge the child.

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If it was a family vacation or something special like going to Disney, I would have absolutely bought a toy. But we were told "You could buy this, or we could wait and see if there is something you like better"

But if it was a street fair that you were going to be at for 30 minutes, we were told we could spend our allowance but our parents wouldn't buy it or "remember, you saw something you liked at the store, what would you rather have?"

 

nothing like disney, and yes, i asked him if would have this or what he saw in another shop which he could buy the next day. well a kid is a kid. he dint want anything except that plastic bow and arrow. so well that was his choice.

 

but that wasnt the issue, the issue was why did i buy it for 5usd if i could get it 2.5-3 usd the next day.

 

c'mon dude, 2.5usd difference you want to tell me off?

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