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Thread: 16 years together and married for 10... now I'm confused, angry and jealous.

  1. #1
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    16 years together and married for 10... now I'm confused, angry and jealous.

    This is my first time on a forum and a little uncomfortable sharing my information, but I really need advice. If you are taking the time to read this message, reply and offer advice... thank you. My wife and I started dating in May of 2002 in August 2004 we had sex for the first time as I was her first. For many years I have walked around thinking we have had a great marriage... with our problems but solid. I felt we have had great sex life as my wife is constantly teasing and initiating sex I was under the impression I was satisfying her never felt giving her multiple orgasms was a problem... About 3 months ago after having sex I woke up to my wife moaning a coworkers name as she was masturbating. I waited angrily for her to finish and I popped up asking her why she felt the need to do that beside me, that if I didn't satisfy her to let me know or least tell me what she wants so I can try to fulfill that need... also if that isn't what she wanted we have a guest room because listening to my wife call another mans name in our bed made me uncomfortable. I guess as the days went by I became suspicious of an affair so i hired a private investigator because instead of helping me understand the issues so we could work through it my wife would just become argumentative and shut down. After about 6 weeks he said there was no affair but daily fondling and flirting at work with 3 separate black coworkers one of them was the one she was calling out that night. The race wasn't really an issue but I am white so it made me question is my wife's interest in men only with the opposite race. So I decided to dig a little and one night I grabbed her laptop and cellphone and looked at her search history's. To my surprise it was 100% black porn not even one other race for nearly 10 years.... I'm not innocent and yes I have searched porn but I search a little bit of everything but she had 0 deviation. I repeatedly verified but nothing except black. So I became even more suspicious so i started reading my wife's diaries that were hid in the closet... I know I shouldn't but jealousy and anger is driving me insane especially when she refuses to address the issue. I wasn't really surprised as I already was aware it was all black coworkers and she would discuss how they would draw in hers hands, rub their cheeks together, pinching of her legs, running their hands through her hair, rubbing her sides and once grabbing her butt. She also wrote how this would excite her and she would masturbate in supply closets, break rooms, parking garage and driving home after work fantasizing about these coworkers. Do you think my wife is married to the wrong man.... would it be better to divorce as I just want her to be happy. What are your thoughts? What should I do?

  2. #2
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    Her actions with coworkers are absolutely inappropriate! In some places, that could be a sexual harassment issue. I definitely think you should address that with her, but be careful about your approach.
    I think your sneaking around and reading her diary, checking her computer, etc. could cause a lot of tension! It is totally natural to want to know what is going on, but hiring a private investigator might be a little overboard?

    What was her reaction when you spoke to her about saying another person's name?

    I'm not sure about the ethnicity issue...

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for all this turmoil.

    Being emotionally removed from the situation, here's what I see: your wife got married with very, very little sexual experience. She had not fully come into her own sexually, and has continued, in ways, to explore that development both inside and outside the marriage.

    Let's be clear: the offense here is not an attraction to a race that is different than yours, or fantasizing about that. That's human, stuff that can exist within partnerships. It's that she is crossing lines, big time, out there in the world by realizing these fantasies. I would say her behavior with the coworkers—not her porn preferences—constitute infidelity. If they were white or blue or magenta the story would be the same: not cool, not allowed in a marriage—unless, well, together you build a marriage that allows it.

    What to do? Let me ask you: What do you want, right now as you read this? Do you want to see if your marriage can be saved, if this is an issue you two can work through together?

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for all this turmoil.

    Being emotionally removed from the situation, here's what I see: your wife got married with very, very little sexual experience. She had not fully come into her own sexually, and has continued, in ways, to explore that development both inside and outside the marriage.

    Let's be clear: the offense here is not an attraction to a race that is different than yours, or fantasizing about that. That's human, stuff that can exist within partnerships. It's that she is crossing lines, big time, out there in the world by realizing these fantasies. I would say her behavior with the coworkers—not her porn preferences—constitute infidelity. If they were white or blue or magenta the story would be the same: not cool, not allowed in a marriage—unless, well, together you build a marriage that allows it.

    What to do? Let me ask you: What do you want, right now as you read this? Do you want to see if your marriage can be saved, if this is an issue you two can work through together?
    I love my wife... after everything, we have 2 small children and really don't want them to be hurt by this in any way. I try to approach her so we can talk... after we put our kids to bed almost every night but it seems like she only wants to play the blame game. I don't want to fight and definitely not loud enough where our kids can hear whats going on... I don't want to create any negative feeling about either one of us with them as this is an adult issue. I approached a couple of times about the fondling... she only denied the situation and began calling me an insecure crazy liar. I didn't tell her I have the videos taken by the PI and have already her diaries... I know the truth.
    Last edited by stackingjp; 07-03-2019 at 02:35 PM.

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    She said i was dreaming and laughed in my face.
    Last edited by stackingjp; 07-03-2019 at 02:36 PM.

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    "What was her reaction when you spoke to her about saying another person's name?"

    She said i was dreaming and laughed in my face.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Okay...

    So she's crossed some major lines. And so have you. Time to own that really quick, before we train the lens back on her.

    You flew way off the rails, basically giving up the role of husband in favor for that of rogue CIA agent. You've violated her privacy many times over, just as she has violated your trust and commitment with her coworkers. So when you tell her what you've done you have to accept that she is allowed to be royally upset with you—that her sins do not justify your own.

    In short: yes, you have to tell her. You calmly ask if she has a minute to talk, and you lay it out there. Everything. You begin by saying that you love her and want to work things out. You say you freaked out after that incident, freaked out when the two of you couldn't talk about it, and that you hired a P.I. for the past X amount of time, have looked at her browser history, and have read her diaries in the closet.

    Here's the hard part—but, however it goes, you will thank yourself later for this part. You stay calm, and do not mention anything you've discovered. You do not attack her. You do not accuse. You simply ask her: Is there anything you want to tell me? Anything you think we need to discuss?

    Odds are she will blow her top. She'll be furious with you—and, yes, she'll be furious with herself. Again: calm. Think of this like a bomb going off—nothing to do, really, but let it blow. The calm is your bomb shelter. When the dust settles—after five minutes of rage, maybe a day—you ask again: Is there anything you want to tell me?

    Hopefully she is honest. Because if you have to pry—well, there's no point. It takes two to be honest, to put their sh*t on the table and clean it up. You took the first step, and she can follow or not.

    There's no way to sugarcoat this: you have a hard road ahead, any way you cut it. Divorce is a hard road, staying together is a hard road, but both are roads that can lead to peace, in time. If you both want to choose the latter—to stay together and see if peace can be found—it means couple's counseling. It means work.

    Most people would say the odds aren't stacked in favor of this working out. That's probably accurate. But it doesn't mean it can't. If you want it to work and she wants it to work after everything is out there—well, that's not nothing. If you have it in you—and I wouldn't judge you if you didn't—to be open to understanding your wife from a different angle, to be able to see all this as more to do with her than a verdict on you, there may be a shot here.

    Maybe a shot in the dark, but those do sometimes reach the target.

  9. #8
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    She obviously thinks that she is infallible. Is she the controller of the relationship?

    You need to decide if you want to tell her that you have proof of these things. She will definitely feel like you have been sneaking around, but you will also force her to be truthful. It just depends on whether or not you think your relationship can withstand that...

  10. #9
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Okay...

    So she's crossed some major lines. And so have you. Time to own that really quick, before we train the lens back on her.

    You flew way off the rails, basically giving up the role of husband in favor for that of rogue CIA agent. You've violated her privacy many times over, just as she has violated your trust and commitment with her coworkers. So when you tell her what you've done you have to accept that she is allowed to be royally upset with you—that her sins do not justify your own.

    In short: yes, you have to tell her. You calmly ask if she has a minute to talk, and you lay it out there. Everything. You begin by saying that you love her and want to work things out. You say you freaked out after that incident, freaked out when the two of you couldn't talk about it, and that you hired a P.I. for the past X amount of time, have looked at her browser history, and have read her diaries in the closet.

    Here's the hard part—but, however it goes, you will thank yourself later for this part. You stay calm, and do not mention anything you've discovered. You do not attack her. You do not accuse. You simply ask her: Is there anything you want to tell me? Anything you think we need to discuss?

    Odds are she will blow her top. She'll be furious with you—and, yes, she'll be furious with herself. Again: calm. Think of this like a bomb going off—nothing to do, really, but let it blow. The calm is your bomb shelter. When the dust settles—after five minutes of rage, maybe a day—you ask again: Is there anything you want to tell me?

    Hopefully she is honest. Because if you have to pry—well, there's no point. It takes two to be honest, to put their sh*t on the table and clean it up. You took the first step, and she can follow or not.

    There's no way to sugarcoat this: you have a hard road ahead, any way you cut it. Divorce is a hard road, staying together is a hard road, but both are roads that can lead to peace, in time. If you both want to choose the latter—to stay together and see if peace can be found—it means couple's counseling. It means work.

    Most people would say the odds aren't stacked in favor of this working out. That's probably accurate. But it doesn't mean it can't. If you want it to work and she wants it to work after everything is out there—well, that's not nothing. If you have it in you—and I wouldn't judge you if you didn't—to be open to understanding your wife from a different angle, to be able to see all this as more to do with her than a verdict on you, there may be a shot here.

    Maybe a shot in the dark, but those do sometimes reach the target.
    This is a pragmatic and logical solution to a super $hitty problem... at least to let her know that you have evidence of her behaviour... it’s enough to get her mind grinding away on it, and unless she is in a particularly sociopathic mood, her guilty conscience will eventually force her to come clean about it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need marriage therapy or a divorce.

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