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Thread: Abusive relationship of my friend

  1. #1
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    Abusive relationship of my friend

    Warning long post.

    I normally would ask questions for myself
    here or atleast not post about my friends but some days ago something happened which drew me over the line.

    So a good friend of mine is in a relationship for a year now with a girl, she doesnt trust him as in when he went to a concert with a some friends including a girl that was a former love interest of him but she turned him down and she has a girlfriend, she asked a friend of mine to keep them away from each other even though thwy have no interest in each other.

    He constantly has to watch out what he is saying and doing, she does get mad at him for no reason and when they get a fight, its ussualy a big one.

    His mom once set him an ultimatum, or he would finish his theory pilot exams thats day on his computer or he goes to her and she'll cut funding(note he has been doing this for over 3 years now and it wasnt going smoothly and it had allready cost his parent 10.000 euros). He chose the pilot license funding but his girlfriemd replied on al kind of social media platforms how terrible he was and blocked him for couple days on everything, she does this every once in a while when she gets mad at him for sometimes no good reason at all.

    Now what drew me over the line, is we were planning to do a lanparty woth friends for months and set a date. Suddenly she decides that she doesnt like him to go because its a waste of money and she took advantage of him by planning a trip to a theme park in the middle of the lan party of 3 days(we do a lan party once a year) and knowing he has a hard time saying no because he fears a fight he would go. She even stated that she doesnt think we are true friends. Me and my friends allready had a bad felling about her from the start so we kept an eye on it but now when she is trying to keep him from friends so us we felt things were really starting to go in a dangerous way. We fear if they might break up he may not even have someone to fall back to because she would have driven him apart from us and she also cause tensions between him and his parents.

    Im really worried about this. Any advice?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    There's not much you can do about it really. He is choosing to allow her to call all the shots. They're not likely to last very long, so just wait it out. In the meantime, keep asking him to your gatherings.

    She's not 'abusing' him. He is simply allowing her to control him.

  3. #3
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    As his friend, all you can do is be there for him and state that you feel this is an unhealthy relationship, and leave it to him to decide how to proceed from there. It often takes time for people to come around to the fact that they need to leave a toxic relationship, regardless of what their friends say about it.

    Unfortunately, doing too much more than that is likely to be ineffective and to appear like you are overstepping as a friend. Unless your friend is in imminent danger, I would say the best you can do is to let him know your thoughts and then support whatever he does from there.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you have a crush on him?
    Originally Posted by Faraniel
    We fear if they might break up he may not even have someone to fall back to because she would have driven him apart from us and she also cause tensions between him and his parents.

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    No, im not a native english speaker, some things may come out wrong

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok. It would be best to stay out of your friend's love life. Listen and be supportive, but stop saying bad things about his gf. Sooner or later he will come to his own conclusions. The more you interfere and gang up on her with your friends, the more he will defend her. He's old enough to make his own choices and date whoever he pleases. He doesn't have to date who you and your friends approve of.
    Originally Posted by Faraniel
    No, im not a native english speaker, some things may come out wrong

  8. #7
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Don't get involved. Remain neutral. Play "Switzerland." Tell your friends this is none of your business and if they have issues or problems with each other, to deal with each other directly. You've got nothing to do with this. Play it safe and decrease your stress. Don't make their problems become your problems. Stay out of it.

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Don't get involved. Remain neutral. Play "Switzerland." Tell your friends this is none of your business and if they have issues or problems with each other, to deal with each other directly. You've got nothing to do with this. Play it safe and decrease your stress. Don't make their problems become your problems. Stay out of it.
    I agree.
    If you encourage your friend to break up, they will resent you.
    If you stay neutral and the friend does break up or stays with her, then you can support them.

    I would not feel good if my guy invited a former love interest to a concert.
    You don't know if your friend is exaggerating to make her look like a nag or if she is being one.

    Stay out of it

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He has a mind of his own and can think for himself. He picked her, he is with her. She is not keeping him from doing anything, he is choosing that of his own free will. You don't like her. That means you are not a supportive friend to him and do not want to see him with her. It sounds like you're jealous of her. Do you have a bf?

    You and your friends enjoy painting her as this evil entity, when in fact your friend wants to be with her. Stop leading this campaign against her. You're wasting your time. Gossiping with your friends about how you don't like her is a fruitless activity. How is that "helping" or supporting this friend? Get on some dating apps and occupy your time finding your own bf and worry about your own relationships.
    Originally Posted by Faraniel
    Me and my friends allready had a bad felling about her from the start so we kept an eye on it but now when she is trying to keep him from friends so us we felt things were really starting to go in a dangerous way.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    He's not being abused, and being passive. That's how some people choose to be--it's his decision.

    I would credit friend with the ability to make his own choices and handle his own relationships. I would avoid badmouthing the GF, as that just alienates friend from you. You've made it clear that you're judging his choices, so he blames the GF and does whatever he wants.

    I'd quit that dynamic. If your friends are upset with him, they can deal with him directly. If he opts to pull out of the party, I'd tell him that I'm disappointed, but I care about him and want him to be happy. I'd tell him that the door is open if he wants to change his mind, but I respect his decision either way.

    You can't 'encourage' someone with negativity--it's not inspiring. His hormones are speaking louder than your disappointment, so I'd keep my interactions positive, I'd speak nostalgically on occasion to tap sentimentality about the past and enjoy some great memories, and I'd allow the chips to fall wherever they fall regarding the GF.


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