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I don’t know if I’m invited to my boyfriend’s brother’s wedding?


khun1

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The bf and I have been together for 3 years already. His brother lives in another state but visits every once in a while and him and fiancé seem cool. They haven’t finalized where their wedding will be and when but my bf’s mom did mention that they want something small. She also told me she was looking at dresses already and hasn’t said anything or hinted of me getting invited.. for some reason I feel kind of hurt.. I don’t know.. should I feel bad if I wasn’t invited?? And I want to ask my bf but I feel embarrassed to ask and don’t want to feel stupid afterwards..

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Ask your bf why you weren't invited. Ask him to ask his brother and mother.

 

Keep in mind, your bf's brother and his betrothed prefer to keep their wedding small which could very well exclude you. They're on a tight budget. No hard feelings. Don't take it personally.

 

There are times when you're just considered "the girlfriend" and not officially in the family tree yet.

 

Don't feel bad. Blood is thicker than water.

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I think your hurt feelings are premature.

 

If they haven’t finalized the wedding venue, they most probably haven’t sent out the invites. Usually the place and time are on the invite.

 

Also - I wouldn’t expect you to get an invite directly? I don’t think that would be customary? If anything, I would expect you to be your bf’s date.

 

... but if it’s a small wedding, (and especially if he’s in the wedding party where he will be busy), they may not extend a +1.

 

When is the wedding? Usually invites don’t go out until a couple of months before the wedding. I would not ask your bf about it until then... unless the wedding is happening this fall.

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If they haven't chosen a venue or a place, have they even set a date? I think you're worrying prematurely. Traditionally, you would not get an individual invitation as you are not really a friend of the couple. Instead, your boyfriend will be sent an invitation, and if their budget allows, he will be extended the invitation of a "plus one," meaning, he is given the option of bringing along his girlfriend (or other friend as the case may be). They may even send an invitation addressed to him and with your name on it as well (Mr. John Jones and Ms. Mary Smith) to his address, but this less likely. If you live together, then hopefully it will be addressed to both of you, but it is not a requirement. In other words, you probably won't receive your own invitation, but you can probably expect that you are invited through extension of your boyfriend as a +1.

 

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't bring up the possibilities, on a casual basis, with your boyfriend, especially considering travel might be involved. Time off work and money for travel, in addition to wedding gift and possibly new clothes might be required. Invitations will go out hopefully soon enough for work arrangements to be made, but you can certainly start saving for the other expenses, just in case, and expect that when the invitations go out, you will be notified by your BF.

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You're jumping the gun. The bride and groom have not picked a venue, no less sent out invitations. It's not your wedding, stay out of it. Your bf will be invited/in the party and you'll be his guest. The brother's fiance is not going to send you specifically a special separate pre-invitation invitation to assuage your insecurities. Get things in perspective, you're not the bride here and not the main focus. The wedding is to celebrate their relationship, not define yours.

 

The bride/ groom and their families most likely have a million other things to do than worry about your relationship with your bf. The mother can not speak for the son/future daughter-in-law and therefore shouldn't "hint" at anything.

 

Chill. Why are you licking your wounds over something that hasn't happened? What's the real problem?. That his brother is happy/getting married and you are only just dating after 3 years? Be honest with yourself. This isn't about people "hinting" that you'll be invited, is it? You and your bf seem to have poor communication and you seem insecure about your place in his life.

They haven’t finalized where their wedding will be hasn’t said anything or hinted of me getting invited..
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Of course his mother is picking out her dress. That has nothing to do with invites, since - unless there is a different type of family dynamic in play with this - it's generally a given that the mother of the groom is invited to the wedding.

 

I would just ask your SO what's up and if he knows the plans and if you should plan to attend. Try to keep it casual and if you do in fact find out you aren't invited, that's the time to ask why.

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I was once invited to a wedding my then boyfriend was in -we were serious - he was a groomsman, good friend who I had met -in fact, the lady he was marrying was so shy/quiet that I helped plan her bridal shower lunch even though we'd met only once -(picked the restaurant etc). But I was not invited to the rehearsal dinner the night before because we were not married at the time. I actually was annoyed and my boyfriend (who I am now married to!) was really annoyed too although it was not out of town (still it meant that our typical friday night together didn't happen). But of course he went as he was the groomsman. Different/unusual things can happen with weddings and wedding events. When it's about 2 months before the date ask your boyfriend, casually "I just want to know if I should keep that weekend free".

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Have they even sent out invitations yet, OP? I don't see where you are getting the notion that you will not be invited.

 

Are there other issues going on in your relationship that lead you to feel edgy or a bit insecure about your position in your boyfriend's life?

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... but if it’s a small wedding, (and especially if he’s in the wedding party where he will be busy), they may not extend a +1.

Significant others are not “plus ones.” They are part of a social unit and should be invited accordingly. Small wedding does not excuse poor planning on invitations.

 

I had a small wedding and still made it a priority for my guests - especially my sister - to bring their SOs because it is the right thing to do. Why should I hold a ceremony celebrating my relationship, yet turn around and tell others that their relationships are not as important by not inviting whole couples??

 

I agree with the posters that you shouldn’t be bent out of shape over wedding invites. When I planned my wedding, invites were one of the last things I did because I wanted to know how many people a venue would allow AND budget other costs into hosting to avoid over-inviting too many people and retracting invitations (which is super rude!).

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They haven’t finalized where their wedding will be and when but my bf’s mom did mention that they want something small. She also told me she was looking at dresses already and hasn’t said anything or hinted of me getting invited.. for some reason I feel kind of hurt.. I don’t know.. should I feel bad if I wasn’t invited??

 

Leseine makes a good point. It's a little early to feel affronted:

 

Of course his mother is picking out her dress. That has nothing to do with invites, since - unless there is a different type of family dynamic in play with this - it's generally a given that the mother of the groom is invited to the wedding.

 

A lot goes into the planning of weddings, and it's different for every couple. Sometimes they have to make difficult choices. It's become more and more common to extend the +1 invitation to married couples only, and for non-married people to go stag.

 

If that happens in this case, yeah it will suck, but don't get too bent out of shape about it. For your own sake.

 

And I want to ask my bf but I feel embarrassed to ask and don’t want to feel stupid afterwards..

 

I think this is a good approach:

 

When it's about 2 months before the date ask your boyfriend, casually "I just want to know if I should keep that weekend free".
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Of course you wouldn't be mentioned yet. Mom's hunt for a dress is also premature because she doesn't know the venue and her dress selection may be different whether the wedding is in a cathedral, in someone's back yard, at a country club, etc.

 

Small weddings can be anything from the couple +witnesses + officiant to 50 people. To 100 where the rest of their family members had weddings with 800.

 

The worst thing you can do is make this an issue at this point.

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Significant others are not “plus ones.” They are part of a social unit and should be invited accordingly. Small wedding does not excuse poor planning on invitations.

 

I beg to differ. No couples get individual invitations. No, what happens is couples get invited together as a unit, and this may or may not include the name of the Spouse or Significant Other (SO). As a married unit, "Mr. and Mrs." is typically used. As a single couple, the names and addressing the envelope may get lengthy, and "plus one" is perfectly appropriate.

 

For the OP, in a three-year relationship, I would fully expect that her boyfriend will receive an invitation with a +1 extension, of which it would be expected that his girlfriend of three years would be the expected guest. It's possible they will include the OP's name on the invitation, but maybe not...I would suspect this would be based on if they are living together as a unit or living separately.

 

The OP states that this brother and fiance live in another state and visit "every once in awhile" and "seem cool," so it's not like the OP is a friend. I would not expect the couple to invite her individually, but she is (or will be) invited by extension of the brother (her boyfriend) through the +1.

 

The happy couple could very well omit anyone that isn't legally married. They may or may not allow offspring (children). It's their prerogative.

 

The boyfriend will invite the OP accordingly, and if he doesn't bring her as a guest or +1, that's a whole other can o' worms.

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Significant others are not “plus ones.” They are part of a social unit and should be invited accordingly. Small wedding does not excuse poor planning on invitations.

 

I just wanted to point out - we also don’t know anything about the OP. She could be 15 years old and “dating 3 years” means dating since they were 12. If that were the case, it’s not necessarily true that he would be allowed to bring his gf.

 

“Small and intimate” could also mean immediate family only (brothers, sisters, parents).

 

Either way, I think we all agree that the invite would come (if it comes) as an extension of her bf.

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Not all couples sending wedding invites include "plus 1;" many couples can't afford the extra plus 1 but will make exceptions for a couple dating longer than one year, but there is no set rule on that. It's up to the couple doing the inviting. And they will state this on the invite.

 

Married couples are invited jointly on the same invite.

 

But for single people not in a significant relationship, they come alone. I've gone to weddings alone and it was super fun, I sat at a table among other singles, we all hung out, danced, drank, ate and had a blast. None of us had "significant others" with us.

 

I know couples who actually met this way! Being invited to a wedding, where there was no plus 1.

 

This is how it is in the U.S., anyway. I do know in other countries, wedding invite protocol can be different.

 

To the OP, what makes you think you're not invited? Have the invites even been sent yet?

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I just wanted to point out - we also don’t know anything about the OP. She could be 15 years old and “dating 3 years” means dating since they were 12. If that were the case, it’s not necessarily true that he would be allowed to bring his gf.

 

“Small and intimate” could also mean immediate family only (brothers, sisters, parents).

 

Either way, I think we all agree that the invite would come (if it comes) as an extension of her bf.

 

AGREE

 

Yes. if they have been together 3 years and are relatively young , its possible she won't be a plus one. At my cousin's wedding, my just-turned-16 year old brother got a plus one. It was a huge wedding. i was a bit upset about it because he brought this girl he was dating and he was miserable that he couldn't just go have fun with his cousins (13-17 year olds), and that he had to constantly make sure she was happy.

If she is a minor and if its a destination wedding, there is no way she should go.

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I beg to differ. No couples get individual invitations. No, what happens is couples get invited together as a unit, and this may or may not include the name of the Spouse or Significant Other (SO). As a married unit, "Mr. and Mrs." is typically used. As a single couple, the names and addressing the envelope may get lengthy, and "plus one" is perfectly appropriate.

 

For the OP, in a three-year relationship, I would fully expect that her boyfriend will receive an invitation with a +1 extension, of which it would be expected that his girlfriend of three years would be the expected guest. It's possible they will include the OP's name on the invitation, but maybe not...I would suspect this would be based on if they are living together as a unit or living separately.

 

The OP states that this brother and fiance live in another state and visit "every once in awhile" and "seem cool," so it's not like the OP is a friend. I would not expect the couple to invite her individually, but she is (or will be) invited by extension of the brother (her boyfriend) through the +1.

 

The happy couple could very well omit anyone that isn't legally married. They may or may not allow offspring (children). It's their prerogative.

 

The boyfriend will invite the OP accordingly, and if he doesn't bring her as a guest or +1, that's a whole other can o' worms.

 

AGREE

 

Unless the significant other would be invited in their own right -- girlfriend was the bride's close friend way before she met her boyfriend (groom's brother), she would be invited on her own merit, but they might send them a combined invite for convenience, or individual with no plus one under the assumption that they would come together -- but she was still invited if they broke up

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I just wanted to point out - we also don’t know anything about the OP. She could be 15 years old and “dating 3 years” means dating since they were 12. If that were the case, it’s not necessarily true that he would be allowed to bring his gf.

 

“Small and intimate” could also mean immediate family only (brothers, sisters, parents).

 

Either way, I think we all agree that the invite would come (if it comes) as an extension of her bf.

 

I’m 25 years old.

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Have they even sent out invitations yet, OP? I don't see where you are getting the notion that you will not be invited.

 

Are there other issues going on in your relationship that lead you to feel edgy or a bit insecure about your position in your boyfriend's life?

 

I’m not sure if they sent out invitations yet. I’m just guessing there won’t be a plus one because the mom hasn’t hinted about me going.

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I’m not sure if they sent out invitations yet. I’m just guessing there won’t be a plus one because the mom hasn’t hinted about me going.

 

It is rude beyond all reason to discuss parties and invited events in front of people who are not invited. Your boyfriend's mom has no control on the happy couple's guest list, but she must assume you're invited if she's speaking so openly about the future event (that hasn't been officially planned yet).

 

What is going on with you and your boyfriend and your boyfriend's family that has you so agitated and fearful of exclusion? You're guessing there won't be a +1. Why?

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I beg to differ. No couples get individual invitations. No, what happens is couples get invited together as a unit, and this may or may not include the name of the Spouse or Significant Other (SO). As a married unit, "Mr. and Mrs." is typically used.

Wow you really misunderstood and over analyzed my post. Please go back and re-read.

 

Also how would you address couples who were in a relationship for a very long time and decided not to marry? That’s another reason why they should not be considered a plus one.

 

For the OP, in a three-year relationship, I would fully expect that her boyfriend will receive an invitation with a +1 extension, of which it would be expected that his girlfriend of three years would be the expected guest.

Many couples... but will make exceptions for a couple dating longer than one year, but there is no set rule on that.

Choosing to invite couples based on how long they have been together, or if they are even living together (some can’t for religious reasons), is very, very arbitrary. It’s none of your business to say whether their relationship is serious or not.

 

I had a friend who met his girlfriend off some online dating site and got married after TWO MONTHS of dating. Do they not get invited because they were not together for long (they came to my wedding when they have been together for 5 months).

 

I also allowed my sister to bring her boyfriend when they have been dating for a few weeks. And they are now happily married.

 

Case and point.

 

Not all couples sending wedding invites include "plus 1;" many couples can't afford the extra plus 1

Then it is considered POOR PLANNING on the bride and groom. Still a poor excuse. You invite whole couples or you don’t invite them, period. It is incredibly rude to invite a half couple to any party.

 

It's up to the couple doing the inviting. And they will state this on the invite.

Actions also have consequences. It’s always interesting how weddings can bring out the worst in people who were not taught proper etiquette. Doing things like this will break friendships. I’ve lost a friendship over how I was treated during a friend’s wedding and planning - and I was the bridesmaid.

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I’m not sure if they sent out invitations yet. I’m just guessing there won’t be a plus one because the mom hasn’t hinted about me going.

 

I don't see where she hinted you're not invited, either.

 

After three years, I would think it nearly a given that you will be invited. Why are you worried about it - are things not totally solid with your boyfriend?

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Ask your bf why you weren't invited. Ask him to ask his brother and mother.

 

I would definitely NOT do that. It assumes the answer already, and it comes off as negative and nagging.

 

When it's about 2 months before the date ask your boyfriend, casually "I just want to know if I should keep that weekend free".

 

This is more like it. If they haven't even chosen the location, then they haven't sent out invitations. They may not even have a firm date yet, because they may want to be flexible with the venue of their choice.

 

It makes perfect sense that the mother is excited enough to start seeking a dress. She's not hiding that from you, so it's not likely that there's been any talk of excluding you.

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