Jump to content

Does it seem like my friend is trying to distance herself from me?


Recommended Posts

I have a friend who I have known for 18 mths & actively had a great friendship with up until maybe 2 mths ago. She has a daughter the same age as mine so we have always hung out with the kids, eating out, movies & all the typical things friends do. We are both single mums & also had many a night out on the town drinking & dancing the night away with our other mutual friends. As friends do we have actively liked Facebook posts & other things on Social Media. I don't get to go out for nights on the town as much as what she does as my daughters father doesn't have the typical fortnightly weekend visits so I only get a night out one Saturday a month when I organise a paid babysitter. I don't drink as much as what she does and currently putting most of my money towards my overseas vacation I am taking in August. Even though we are both busy with work etc we always caught up regularly. I have however noticed the past 2 months where she has suddenly become quite flaky with me, changing plans we made for stupid reasons, arriving 30 mins late to breakky one morning with no text to give me a heads up & no apology when she finally arrived (it turns out she decided to have a big night out the night before spur of the moment & was obviously slightly hungover the next morning). She no longer acknowledges my Facebook posts & recently ignored my invitation to her to follow my new Facebook Business page for a new business venture I'm trying to get off the ground. When I post stuff up about my daughter getting an award at school or about my upcoming holiday or anything that matters she doesn't acknowledge it even though I constantly like all her stuff.

 

The only time she acknowledges me now is when she is entering a Facebook competition and she needs to tag some friends to go into the draw & the occassional funny meme I might put up.

Right now I'm starting to think she is jelous of my upcoming vacation, new business/hobby and my determination to succeed with other things.

 

She also has not included me in certain outings and although I understand she has other friends and so do I, I kind of feel like she could have included me at times.

 

Recently we were both at a group lunch and she didn't sit near me nor try to make conversation with me. I asked her if everything was OK with us and she said yes but I'm not sure I really believe that.

 

We caught up for dinner with our kids just a few nights ago and we chatted and things felt ok.

 

Leading up to the dinner she was flaky and forgot to get back to me on the venue I had suggested and I had to remind her with another message. Fri night she went out for dinner with her daughter and usually she would have asked my daughter and I to join but not this time. I saw her post on facebook, that's how I know. My gut is telling me something is not right.

 

Personally I think that she may have some resentment or jelousy going on internally towards me as I've been doing so many good things with my life lately: 12 Night vacation with my 7 yr old, a 4 day mini getaway in Jan coming up, I've lost a heap of weight because I'm motivated abd watching what I eat and drink and walking for 30 mins each day and have cut back on the alcohol consumption while she goes to the gym and then wipes all her work away by drinking. I've recently started a part time hobby from home making and selling dog treats and it's going well for me, I'm starting to make some money out of it. Plus I know that she feels my 8 mth old puppy has taken up more of my time as her young daughter let it accidentally slip one time when she was over for a playdate. (mind you at the time my pup had just had a de sexing procedure so she needed extra time and care from me).

 

About a month ago she made a group social event on the facebook group we are on to go watch Seafire (fireworks competiond held every year on the beach). We did it last year with a group of our friends and kids and sat on the sand and had our yummy food we packed and had a great night. She organised the same this year and then on the day she decided to change the location from sitting on the beach to watching it from a new friends apartment. She used some excuse that she was still snuffly from her cold she had a while ago and that she didn't want to sit out in the cold night air. Some decided to go and watch from the apartment with her but I stuck to my guns and said my daughter and I are going to rug up and stay on the beach where the vibe and atmosphere is. There were a couple of other friends who preferred that as well. Maybe she is annoyed because I didn't change my plans to suit her however I'm annoyed that she chose to spend the evening up in the apartment with a brand new friend she has only known for a couple months over our long standing friendship... i pretty much got jilted for the new friend when I refused to conform to the new plans... where was the loyalty to our friendship? Then the next morning she was 30 mins late to our breakfast catchup...

 

Last night I sent a message to the messenger group of ladies we are in (we are all good friends in this group) abd I asked everyone how their week was. The ones that saw the question answered except for her.

 

Earlier last week I sent her a private message wishing her a good week so it's not like I'm not being a good friend and not initiating stuff with her.

 

I'm actually feeling confused.

Link to comment

Don't obsess over this friend anymore because she's not acting like a friend. Don't even bother. Leave her alone.

 

It really doesn't matter what she thinks whether she's jealous of you, insecure or whatever is irritating her. You need to let her go and let her be. You have better things to do than fret over someone who doesn't care about you nor puts forth the same effort and care into the friendship as you expect and willing to do. She's a lost cause.

 

Return the favor. If she ignores you on FB or social media, do the same. You don't have to partake in anything.

 

Just remain polite, civil and peaceful since you share mutual friends. Never gossip, bad mouth her and don't cause trouble. Play it safe by not getting messy. Be above it, take the higher road and be the bigger person in all this. Act with grace.

 

She's distancing herself from you so you do the same. Keep a civil, safe distance. Follow her cue and give her what she wants. She's drifting apart from you so respect your wishes and go your separate ways.

 

Surround yourself with good, honorable, very moral people. Keep everyone else at arm's length. Treat everyone with respect including her yet don't get chummy close. Enforce healthy boundaries always.

Link to comment

Yes, it seems like she is distacing herself from you.

 

Why? It could be for the reasons you mentioned. It could be anything really. When this has happened in my life, I let them go. If we're civil, great. If not, meh. I don't bother with people who don't reciprocate interest.

Link to comment

I'm hurt but what can I do. I knew my gut instinct was right and your opinion has confirmed it.

 

I thought I was a good friend, I've had her daughter over for so many playdates when she needed her watched and I've had her daughter for at least 3 sleepovers as well, she on the other hand as only ever offered and had my daughter over for a sleepover once and that was way back last year.

 

There have been many times I've offered and driven us in to wherever we were going but she has never extended that to me once.

 

Currently some of her belongings are on my garage because we did a car boot sale one morning somewhere and she didn't sell all of her stuff so she has just left it all in my garage for when we do another one in 4 mths when the weather warms up again.

 

I've since sold the stuff I really wanted to sell and so for me I don't have anything substantial to sell at the next Car Boot sale so I'm not sure whether I just tell her that and ask her to come pick up all the stuff she left behind......I have a feeling she will probably get annoyed as she doesn't have alot of room at her home so it suits her to store it as my place because my space is bigger and plus she would be relying on putting her stuff in my car to transport to the Car Boot.

 

I don't see why I should do that for her when I'm not even going to go to the Car boot anymore.....why would I sit around all morning with her watching her sell her stuff, makes no sense.

 

Plus she does so little for me.

Link to comment
I guess its just sad and disappointing as we were so close. I feel like what the hell did I do, why did she change towards me. I just don't understand and it hurts, I'm not gonna lie.

 

Listen, it happens. People who self-sabotage tend to have a visceral negative reaction to the success of others. It comes from a lack of self-awareness, and thus she probably doesn't even realize that she's behaving the way that she is. She's probably putting it all on you in her mind, victimizing herself in some vague, passive way.

 

As you become more successful, you will find that some of your friends will drop off.

 

Let them go. They are dead weight.

 

It's a sad story, but quite common.

 

Wish those friends well, but move on.

 

The friends who remain will be supportive and unthreatened.

Link to comment

I understand that you obviously really value this friend but is 1.5 years really a very "long standing friendship"? If you were really close then do you think that was mostly because your daughters are friends? From your post it seems like maybe you are more invested in this friendship than she is. She is also allowed to have other friends and allowed to have time just with her and her daughter.

 

Even if she is jealous of your holidays, etc. if she's going to end the friendship over it then that's pretty immature. She may still want to be friends but maybe she doesn't want to be "best friends" per se. I mean it seems kind of obvious that she doesn't want to be as close as you want to be. She may have actually just wanted someone to go out drinking with in her spare time. And since you don't really drink much, it might be not suitable to her.

Link to comment

Perhaps she senses your simmering irritation that you think liking Facebook posts needs to be exactly even for you, along with other sensed wrongs. Even if you don't voice things, intuitive people know how you're feeling. Your expectations for a friendship are different than hers.

 

Just as cowardly guys try to get the girl to do the breaking up instead of him, he starts behaving badly to spur that on. Maybe her being late and needing a reminder on another occasion was for similar reasons.Since you're regularly upset more than satisfied with this friendship, it's probably time to let this friendship fade to the back burner, just as she has done.

Link to comment

This is what I have learned from life...

 

All my life I was a pleaser, doing everything to keep everyone happy, always putting myself last. I did this with friends and family. Finally, I realized that all of my relationships were a one way street, so I stopped pleasing, started putting myself first, and stopped being the one to initiate contact.

 

I no longer hear from any of my "friends" or my family.

 

That says it all - I was living a lie. And I learned that people have no respect for you if you are a push-over.

 

Not saying this is your case, just thought I'd share.

Link to comment

You will learn that friends will come and go throughout your life. Some are keepers and others will drift away. That's life.

 

I only have a few close friends. My BFF is a local friend whom I've been close with ever since I was 9 years old. This is rare. Most friends waltzed into my life during adulthood. I have another friend from 20 years ago and she's a nice friend but we're not as close as my BFF because her husband is currently battling terminal cancer.

 

I have a lot of acquaintances in my life, I socialize with relatives and in-laws.

 

My BFF is important to me and others? I'm nice to them but we're not overly chummy-close. It's just the way I like it, too.

 

Friends are nice to have but some friends transform into high maintenance.

 

Try not to busy yourself with focusing on friends. They're very busy with their own lives. Everyone is very busy. Make your world smaller because you'll be happier and focus on yourself and immediate family.

 

I agree with Camber 2019. I was once a people pleaser to all. I don't over do it anymore.

 

Enforce healthy boundaries with others and you'll be much happier.

Link to comment

It's so easy and tempting to focus on the "what could it be/what did I do" because it's unfortunately natural to focus on what you don't have rather than what you do. Your daughter needs you to focus on the positive, not to exude negative energy which only increases if you endure this woman's flakiness, for example. Let her fade away. I've had this happen to me and yes it sucks. In fact a friend of mine had it happen to her many years ago (also a "mom friend") and wrote a heart wrenching blog post about it -including when she finally called her friend one last time after the distancing had been going on - and the husband answered the (land line phone) and basically said that sure his wife was doing great, all was well and he'd tell her about the call, that she was out. And then this woman knew - the friendship was over, who knows why. Yes it hurt but moving on is what is best for you. You asked her if all was ok, she said yes so you know for sure you did not intentionally offend her.

 

Many years ago I pushed for an answer in a similar situation - not a mom situation but a good friend all through grad school and as it happened I was dating her friend who she set me up with. I finally got a letter from her and she had all these baseless accusations including one bizarre one that I'd taken the same class as her after she took it to see if I could get a better grade. I mean twilight zone stuff. No kernel of truth, I learned nothing from it because of that (nor should I have -she obviously had issues) - and it upset me even more. Sometimes it's just better to let it go because she might come up with "reasons" that have nothing at all to do with you or are just lame excuses.

 

In the past few years I've had this happen with two women (who don't know each other) who just chose to fade out -we were at that point only phone friends since I relocated to another city but we were close. Were. Sure I could think "hmm I am the common denominator" and you know - it's good to be willing to take a cold hard look and see what changes should be made. But I did the cold hard look, speculated till the cows came home, asked my husband to give his honest opinions (he knows both of them) and did not want to "stalk" my friends. I reached out a normal amount and then walked away. The hurt fades especially if you get busy with other things -and you have a lot of good stuff going on!!

 

You will find your people. Again I am sorry.

Link to comment
Does it seem like my friend is trying to distance herself from me?

 

The word 'seems' is a good one, but I'd skip projecting your stuff onto it. Mainly because what 'seems,' to you, to be about you, hardly registers with her.

 

People who've been up to something tend to pull away from those who are most likely to see it--and she credits you for that. The fact that you haven't figured it out yet speaks more of her coverup skills than it does about you--and your relative sobriety and stability.

 

Friend is making a mess. She's either over drinking or indulging in something else that she doesn't want you to know about. You're too busy personalizing her behavior to recognize that she's operating outside of your scope of reference.

 

I've worked in the drug and alcohol field for years. She's typical of one who's abusing. Her gig switch to the new friend's apartment was about using--not about you.

 

You can think of yourself as too straight for her, but it's better to think of yourself as too healthy. While you might want to think of her as jealous, she's not even focused on your accomplishments. Or you. Or anyone else who isn't either supplying her or indulging in the deep end with her.

 

While I wouldn't burn any bridges, that's only because it isn't necessary to make any enemies. Instead, just trust that if friend ever climbs her way out of this hole she's dug, she may want to make amends and tell you the whole story--or whatever she can remember of it. Meanwhile, she's not really friend material, so relegate her to your acquaintance category and avoid gossiping about her. You'll likely hear something about her someday from someone who is shocked and views it as out of left field, but you'll know better.

Link to comment
Batya: that friends heart wrenching blog you referred to. I would love to read it. Is there a link to it?

 

No because it's from years ago so sometimes she posts the entry again when the topic comes up. You know when you tell yourself "oh she must be really busy/going through something" and you find out it's not true? Back then no Facebook -so I suggest you disconnect from her on social media as much as possible -you don't need reminders that she is making plans, etc just not with you. It stings, I get it. In fact one of my two MIA friends posted to me on Facebook a few months after - but a weird joke thing that didn't make sense -so I contacted her and she simply wrote that her daughters had been on her Facebook. My previous email to her also got a pleasant response but carefully worded so as not to try to keep the convo going. I got the message. Luckily she rarely if ever posts and we are still FB friends. The other woman was never on FB. i am connected to her husband on linkedin. He and I went to grad school together years before he met or married his wife. Ironically I then met my friend my first day at a new job and asked if she was related to my grad school classmate. So I do not contact her husband, at all, but I would if I had a business referral for him. I stopped contacting her after reaching out a handful of times. Last response from her was -polite - and again not opening up any convo.

 

I know you didn't ask for all this but it's a topic that is near and dear to me and, yes, I have in the past offended a friend and one time lost a friendship over it (not a good friend but yes I learned from it despite at the moment not meaning to offend). I think it's important to separate when you need to apologize from when it's not on you. It helps with future friendships for sure.

 

One other thing. I am close with a woman who lives far away. We've met in person three times in 15 years (we met on a message board and met in person at her wedding!). Anyway she hadn't responded to my text in over 2 weeks which is just so odd and concerning especially since my last text was asking if her mother was feeling better. She is super busy but it was odd. And my mind started going to "is she upset with me??". Finally she texted with apologies and i was honest with her that I was concerned there was something going on with her mother. She told me she loved me and thanked me for understanding. So it's not always MIA or doom and gloom.

 

Also ask yourself the bluntly honest question of what are your needs right now in friendship -do you crave a close friend, a number of acquaintances to socialize with, to be "liked" or "popular"? Get real with yourself so you pick/invest your time wisely.

 

Hope you're ok with this long response to a brief question!

Link to comment
People who've been up to something tend to pull away from those who are most likely to see it--and she credits you for that. The fact that you haven't figured it out yet speaks more of her coverup skills than it does about you--and your relative sobriety and stability.

 

Friend is making a mess. She's either over drinking or indulging in something else that she doesn't want you to know about.

 

That's true, too. Some friends like to fade when they are going down a bad road. They think (or know) that you will question them or even just look at them strange. They don't want to deal with that, so they fade. God knows I have at least one friend like that.

Link to comment

I chose to "lose" contact with a friend who was doing so awful stuff to her husband and kids (cheating, lying about who her kids' fathers were [!], etc.) She didn't do anything to ME, but I didn't want to associate with someone who was capable of the levels of selfishness and deception that she apparently is.

 

On the flip side, sometimes it's upsetting to see others doing well when you aren't. I don't resent my friends' success because I think they are wonderful people who deserve it, but it was difficult to see one friend spending $45 on a pedicure and $150 to have her hair cut and colored when I could hardly pay my rent. And she was always complaining about being "broke" yet she and her husband bought a $50k tricked out Jeep to go four wheeling in. Again, I didn't resent her for her financial comfort level but it was hard for me because she'd suggest all these things to do that I didn't have the money for. I wonder if she thought I was "pulling away" when I said "no" to many of the plans she suggested that cost (to me) a lot of money. I hope not. We're fine now, BTW.

 

Anyway, as others put it so well it might not be YOU, but rather her circumstances.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...