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Thread: Does it seem like my friend is trying to distance herself from me?

  1. #11
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    It's so easy and tempting to focus on the "what could it be/what did I do" because it's unfortunately natural to focus on what you don't have rather than what you do. Your daughter needs you to focus on the positive, not to exude negative energy which only increases if you endure this woman's flakiness, for example. Let her fade away. I've had this happen to me and yes it sucks. In fact a friend of mine had it happen to her many years ago (also a "mom friend") and wrote a heart wrenching blog post about it -including when she finally called her friend one last time after the distancing had been going on - and the husband answered the (land line phone) and basically said that sure his wife was doing great, all was well and he'd tell her about the call, that she was out. And then this woman knew - the friendship was over, who knows why. Yes it hurt but moving on is what is best for you. You asked her if all was ok, she said yes so you know for sure you did not intentionally offend her.

    Many years ago I pushed for an answer in a similar situation - not a mom situation but a good friend all through grad school and as it happened I was dating her friend who she set me up with. I finally got a letter from her and she had all these baseless accusations including one bizarre one that I'd taken the same class as her after she took it to see if I could get a better grade. I mean twilight zone stuff. No kernel of truth, I learned nothing from it because of that (nor should I have -she obviously had issues) - and it upset me even more. Sometimes it's just better to let it go because she might come up with "reasons" that have nothing at all to do with you or are just lame excuses.

    In the past few years I've had this happen with two women (who don't know each other) who just chose to fade out -we were at that point only phone friends since I relocated to another city but we were close. Were. Sure I could think "hmm I am the common denominator" and you know - it's good to be willing to take a cold hard look and see what changes should be made. But I did the cold hard look, speculated till the cows came home, asked my husband to give his honest opinions (he knows both of them) and did not want to "stalk" my friends. I reached out a normal amount and then walked away. The hurt fades especially if you get busy with other things -and you have a lot of good stuff going on!!

    You will find your people. Again I am sorry.

  2. #12
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    Batya: that friends heart wrenching blog you referred to. I would love to read it. Is there a link to it?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Does it seem like my friend is trying to distance herself from me?
    The word 'seems' is a good one, but I'd skip projecting your stuff onto it. Mainly because what 'seems,' to you, to be about you, hardly registers with her.

    People who've been up to something tend to pull away from those who are most likely to see it--and she credits you for that. The fact that you haven't figured it out yet speaks more of her coverup skills than it does about you--and your relative sobriety and stability.

    Friend is making a mess. She's either over drinking or indulging in something else that she doesn't want you to know about. You're too busy personalizing her behavior to recognize that she's operating outside of your scope of reference.

    I've worked in the drug and alcohol field for years. She's typical of one who's abusing. Her gig switch to the new friend's apartment was about using--not about you.

    You can think of yourself as too straight for her, but it's better to think of yourself as too healthy. While you might want to think of her as jealous, she's not even focused on your accomplishments. Or you. Or anyone else who isn't either supplying her or indulging in the deep end with her.

    While I wouldn't burn any bridges, that's only because it isn't necessary to make any enemies. Instead, just trust that if friend ever climbs her way out of this hole she's dug, she may want to make amends and tell you the whole story--or whatever she can remember of it. Meanwhile, she's not really friend material, so relegate her to your acquaintance category and avoid gossiping about her. You'll likely hear something about her someday from someone who is shocked and views it as out of left field, but you'll know better.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Stephy2016
    Batya: that friends heart wrenching blog you referred to. I would love to read it. Is there a link to it?
    No because it's from years ago so sometimes she posts the entry again when the topic comes up. You know when you tell yourself "oh she must be really busy/going through something" and you find out it's not true? Back then no Facebook -so I suggest you disconnect from her on social media as much as possible -you don't need reminders that she is making plans, etc just not with you. It stings, I get it. In fact one of my two MIA friends posted to me on Facebook a few months after - but a weird joke thing that didn't make sense -so I contacted her and she simply wrote that her daughters had been on her Facebook. My previous email to her also got a pleasant response but carefully worded so as not to try to keep the convo going. I got the message. Luckily she rarely if ever posts and we are still FB friends. The other woman was never on FB. i am connected to her husband on linkedin. He and I went to grad school together years before he met or married his wife. Ironically I then met my friend my first day at a new job and asked if she was related to my grad school classmate. So I do not contact her husband, at all, but I would if I had a business referral for him. I stopped contacting her after reaching out a handful of times. Last response from her was -polite - and again not opening up any convo.

    I know you didn't ask for all this but it's a topic that is near and dear to me and, yes, I have in the past offended a friend and one time lost a friendship over it (not a good friend but yes I learned from it despite at the moment not meaning to offend). I think it's important to separate when you need to apologize from when it's not on you. It helps with future friendships for sure.

    One other thing. I am close with a woman who lives far away. We've met in person three times in 15 years (we met on a message board and met in person at her wedding!). Anyway she hadn't responded to my text in over 2 weeks which is just so odd and concerning especially since my last text was asking if her mother was feeling better. She is super busy but it was odd. And my mind started going to "is she upset with me??". Finally she texted with apologies and i was honest with her that I was concerned there was something going on with her mother. She told me she loved me and thanked me for understanding. So it's not always MIA or doom and gloom.

    Also ask yourself the bluntly honest question of what are your needs right now in friendship -do you crave a close friend, a number of acquaintances to socialize with, to be "liked" or "popular"? Get real with yourself so you pick/invest your time wisely.

    Hope you're ok with this long response to a brief question!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    People who've been up to something tend to pull away from those who are most likely to see it--and she credits you for that. The fact that you haven't figured it out yet speaks more of her coverup skills than it does about you--and your relative sobriety and stability.

    Friend is making a mess. She's either over drinking or indulging in something else that she doesn't want you to know about.
    That's true, too. Some friends like to fade when they are going down a bad road. They think (or know) that you will question them or even just look at them strange. They don't want to deal with that, so they fade. God knows I have at least one friend like that.

  7. #16
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    I chose to "lose" contact with a friend who was doing so awful stuff to her husband and kids (cheating, lying about who her kids' fathers were [!], etc.) She didn't do anything to ME, but I didn't want to associate with someone who was capable of the levels of selfishness and deception that she apparently is.

    On the flip side, sometimes it's upsetting to see others doing well when you aren't. I don't resent my friends' success because I think they are wonderful people who deserve it, but it was difficult to see one friend spending $45 on a pedicure and $150 to have her hair cut and colored when I could hardly pay my rent. And she was always complaining about being "broke" yet she and her husband bought a $50k tricked out Jeep to go four wheeling in. Again, I didn't resent her for her financial comfort level but it was hard for me because she'd suggest all these things to do that I didn't have the money for. I wonder if she thought I was "pulling away" when I said "no" to many of the plans she suggested that cost (to me) a lot of money. I hope not. We're fine now, BTW.

    Anyway, as others put it so well it might not be YOU, but rather her circumstances.

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