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Thread: Advice about a situation that has evolved...

  1. #1
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Advice about a situation that has evolved...

    I rarely post here but when Iím feeling like I really need a little peanut gallery support, the ENA family is great for that!!

    I wrote about a situation months ago where I started taking a class, I really was drawn to the instructor. I wanted to get to know her. I was attracted to her but totally had/have boundaries around that. I am gay. She is, well, hell, I donít know but she is married to a man but separated. I didnít make any assumptions. I have never hit on her (in the typical overt way) or been weird about things, but she knows I really enjoy her and our friendship. She has told me the same. The situation really had me in knots because I cared (CARE - but this was back then) about it a lot. I tried to be easy about and that was good and positive. Fast forward to today. We have become really sweet friends. Like, we have a very delightful an unexpected connection that I absolutely love. Not the typical friendship - for either of us. She is as sweet to me as I am to her. Itís definitely mutual. I have no idea where it will go, perhaps it will stay at a friendship. I feel that there is something more between us but I am letting her take the lead of everything. I absolutely adore her, truth be told. We have exchanged very sweet sentimental gifts and cards. Although she is separated, she definitely loves her husband and they are best friends. I think this is lovely. They just left today for a pretty lengthy vacation. I am quite sad about her leaving of course. We said our sweet goodbyes and I know weíll keep in touch while she is away. But here is where I am now. I have always been at that place with her of, do I text her or do I not text her? How much is too much? I am definitely more of the initiator of the two of us and so I have always been very careful to try to not be too THERE. I want her to have fun on her vacation. I want her to text me when she wants. On the other hand, I donít want her to forget about me or think Iím not thinking of her. On the OTHER hand, if I text her all sweetly when she is on vacation, maybe that is too much... Jesus, I have no idea. Iím quite sweet on her while also wanting to respect her process/relationship, whatever that is...

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    she will not forget about you of course. It is just a vacation. If she is coming to Europe you can casually text her and ask about interesting places that she is about to visit but I suggest not to. if she is in the mood to share she will otherwise you are going to push her to do it.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by goly
    she will not forget about you of course. It is just a vacation. If she is coming to Europe you can casually text her and ask about interesting places that she is about to visit but I suggest not to. if she is in the mood to share she will otherwise you are going to push her to do it.
    Thank you, goly. I actually agree with you. That was my inclination as well so thank you very much :-)

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Good grief she's on vacation with her HUSBAND and they are hardly "separated" if they are going on vacation as a couple. You are wasting your good dating years fawning over a woman who is married no where near emotionally or otherwise broken up with her husband.

    Instead of bothering her while she is on vacation, you would do well to keep your distance and start dating other gay women who are not still married to a man.

    I feel bad for you that you are that enmeshed emotionally to her that you don't realize that you should leave her to enjoy their vacation with the man she loves. If she contacts you, you should respond briefly and end the convo telling her to have a good time with her hubby and you'll talk when she gets back.

    Although she is separated, she definitely loves her husband and they are best friends. I think this is lovely. They just left today for a pretty lengthy vacation.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Advice about a situation that has evolved...

    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Good grief she's on vacation with her HUSBAND and they are hardly "separated" if they are going on vacation as a couple. You are wasting your good dating years fawning over a woman who is married no where near emotionally or otherwise broken up with her husband.

    Instead of bothering her while she is on vacation, you would do well to keep your distance and start dating other gay women who are not still married to a man.

    I feel bad for you that you are that enmeshed emotionally to her that you don't realize that you should leave her to enjoy their vacation with the man she loves. If she contacts you, you should respond briefly and end the convo telling her to have a good time with her hubby and you'll talk when she gets back.
    Interesting response. Well, that is the trouble with ENA. You donít know any of the background of any of this and you can only form your opinion based on my post. Well, none of us wants to be enmeshed, do we? But we fall in love. We have connections with other people. She IS separated. She IS still friends with her husband. Hence, they are traveling together. Loving her doesnít make me weird or sad. It makes me human. I can LET her have fun with her husband. I never said anything to the contrary. But again, you donít know the nature of our relationship either. You are assuming that Iím being some unwanted annoyance in her life.

    I do agree that I donít know where she is emotionally regarding him or me and that ďfawningĒ isnít what I want to do. But I do deeply care about her and I see nothing wrong with that. She cares about me as well.

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    Would you be comfortable with her telling you she hooked up with her husband, or about her dating life or who she would like to date? Friends discuss such things. I am sorry if I didn't read correctly but does she know you are gay? I'm just not sure you can be a true friend to her if you are this attracted to her.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Advice about a situation that has evolved...

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Would you be comfortable with her telling you she hooked up with her husband, or about her dating life or who she would like to date? Friends discuss such things. I am sorry if I didn't read correctly but does she know you are gay? I'm just not sure you can be a true friend to her if you are this attracted to her.
    Yes, she knows I am gay. Well, I could be her friend if she told me things like that, yes. I would prefer other things but I could certainly and would certainly want to keep being her friend regardless. To be honest, I assume that she does still sleep with her husband because I have no idea and I know that as her friend, I would have to be okay with it or it canít be a true friendship. She doesnít talk much about her relationship. I mean, to be honest, first and foremost, we are friends and I love our friendship and I want to keep it and her in my life regardless.

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    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    I get that you care about her like anyone care about a close friend. However people just don't randomly ask how much they should text a friend while on vacation unless they're reaching. I think you're reaching for something you don't even know if it's there.

    You have let yourself fall for someone who may or may not be interested, for someone all you know is "separated", for someone who may only be reciprocating your kindness but does not care as much as you do.

    If you have no idea how this person feels for you emotionally, step back and ask yourself if chasing her is diminishing your chances of finding the right gal for you.

  10. #9
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    So, she is on her way to Europe. Of course I want to text her as she has layovers. But then I think, maybe this is a time to let her come to me.
    I agree. I don't think you should be sending her text messages when she is on vacation with her husband. To me, it would be really annoying, but that's just me. IF, and it's a big IF, she wants to correspond with you, she will. Right now, I would say back off.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LootieTootie
    I get that you care about her like anyone care about a close friend. However people just don't randomly ask how much they should text a friend while on vacation unless they're reaching. I think you're reaching for something you don't even know if it's there.

    You have let yourself fall for someone who may or may not be interested, for someone all you know is "separated", for someone who may only be reciprocating your kindness but does not care as much as you do.

    If you have no idea how this person feels for you emotionally, step back and ask yourself if chasing her is diminishing your chances of finding the right gal for you.
    Thank you, Lootie-

    Yes, I do get what you are saying. And yes, I although I know we have something lovely, I donít know how she feels exactly. I do know that we have a mutual sweetness between us and yes, I would be open to more but I have never needed it in order to care about her and be her friend. I also do realize that in one way or another, she is still involved with her husband and I do respect that.

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