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Thread: Advice about a situation that has evolved...

  1. #41
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    I had this really sobering epiphany just moments ago about this whole thing and it helped me shift my focus. It could very well be that I have been living in fantasyland quite a bit and getting really caught up in the emotion of it all, as well as the potential of what could be. The facts are the facts. She is off with her husband, separated or not, and for all I know, she has every intention of working things out with them and being with him for the rest of her life.
    Good stuff.

    I like to get a little buzz on—in plenty of different ways—but that's only because my favorite state is being sober, finding thrill in hard facts over fantasy. The part to be really honest about here—and time will inform this—is whether you can be authentic friends with her, or if the attraction is too much.

    I get the feeling, and forgive me if I'm wrong, that you like the idea of being open, fluid, "cool" with things taking on a variety of shapes. If this evolves into romance—lovely. If she wants to talk about her husband—lovely. But that's not all lovely, not authentically, if it keeps you in a kind of emotional purgatory—another version of fantasy, you know? A friendship that affirms an aspirational identity—of being open, fluid, and so on—while closing you off to the potential of connections, platonic or romantic, that are more clearly defined (in your head and heart) and as such can go deeper, expand.

    This thread reminds me a bit of one of my best friends: male, hetero. Great guy. But, like a lot of guys, he is borderline incapable of being purely platonic friends with women, especially those he finds attractive. He's not a letch, not a creep. I'd say he struggles to "read the room" of other people. He finds himself always looking for signs, nursing hopes, and slipping into these sort of poorly weighted friendships where he always crushing, always hoping that, say, being someone a woman talks to openly about her romantic struggles—on the apps, with a partner—will "evolve" into romance.

    What I notice with him—what I talk to him about plenty, since he professes to want partnership—is that his emotional bandwidth seems a bit fried, or at least scattered, too scattered to make room for something real, because he's got these "connections" simmering. "It's cool, we're just friends," he says, but then he does things like cancel dates to hang out with these friends—and, in the process, making partnership harder to obtain. When he goes on dates he makes comparisons, which is just unfair, because to expect someone you've known for 10 minutes to get under your skin like someone you've known for months or years is to create a bar that few people, if any people, can jump over.

    Anyhow, maybe I'm just saying that being honest with yourself—and taking steps based on those truths—is far more radical than openness and fluidity, especially if that openness is allowing you to stay closed off.

  2. #42
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Advice about a situation that has evolved...

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Good stuff.

    I like to get a little buzz on—in plenty of different ways—but that's only because my favorite state is being sober, finding thrill in hard facts over fantasy. The part to be really honest about here—and time will inform this—is whether you can be authentic friends with her, or if the attraction is too much.

    I get the feeling, and forgive me if I'm wrong, that you like the idea of being open, fluid, "cool" with things taking on a variety of shapes. If this evolves into romance—lovely. If she wants to talk about her husband—lovely. But that's not all lovely, not authentically, if it keeps you in a kind of emotional purgatory—another version of fantasy, you know? A friendship that affirms an aspirational identity—of being open, fluid, and so on—while closing you off to the potential of connections, platonic or romantic, that are more clearly defined (in your head and heart) and as such can go deeper, expand.

    This thread reminds me a bit of one of my best friends: male, hetero. Great guy. But, like a lot of guys, he is borderline incapable of being purely platonic friends with women, especially those he finds attractive. He's not a letch, not a creep. I'd say he struggles to "read the room" of other people. He finds himself always looking for signs, nursing hopes, and slipping into these sort of poorly weighted friendships where he always crushing, always hoping that, say, being someone a woman talks to openly about her romantic struggles—on the apps, with a partner—will "evolve" into romance.

    What I notice with him—what I talk to him about plenty, since he professes to want partnership—is that his emotional bandwidth seems a bit fried, or at least scattered, too scattered to make room for something real, because he's got these "connections" simmering. "It's cool, we're just friends," he says, but then he does things like cancel dates to hang out with these friends—and, in the process, making partnership harder to obtain. When he goes on dates he makes comparisons, which is just unfair, because to expect someone you've known for 10 minutes to get under your skin like someone you've known for months or years is to create a bar that few people, if any people, can jump over.

    Anyhow, maybe I'm just saying that being honest with yourself—and taking steps based on those truths—is far more radical than openness and fluidity, especially if that openness is allowing you to stay closed off.
    Thank you, Bluecastle. You are excellent at this by the way :-) Yes, I would agree that this has been a pattern of mine for years and I don’t quite know how to break it.

    I would really like to be her friend. When we are together, I actually feel like we can very easily just stay as friends. I really don’t have an agenda, but sometimes, because our relationship is so sweet, I do get into the “what if’s” and that does get me into trouble, you’re right. I guess part of it, for me, is that I am not ready for a full-blown dedicated relationship at this very moment, which is why I can take pieces of something and seemingly be okay with it. I don’t think that is healthy but it’s typical of me. I also really revel in connection and so to find a special connection with a woman, for me, is really powerful. I want to enjoy the connection but not get lost in a fantasy that maybe isn’t there. Your posts have been really thought-provoking. Thank you!!

  3. #43
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    If you have a pattern of emotionally attaching yourself to women who are not available (and perhaps don't share your sexual orientation), then yes, I would agree you don't really want a romantic relationship. This fantasy world keeps you from truly interacting with someone who would want to be with you in the same way you want to be with these women.

    Why? What are you afraid of?

  4. #44
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    If you have a pattern of emotionally attaching yourself to women who are not available (and perhaps don't share your sexual orientation), then yes, I would agree you don't really want a romantic relationship. This fantasy world keeps you from truly interacting with someone who would want to be with you in the same way you want to be with these women.

    Why? What are you afraid of?
    I actually am typically attracted to women that do share my sexual orientation. I don’t know what I’m afraid of. Feeling trapped/smothered? Being in too deep and left or cheated on? Those things have happened and now I feel like I fear them.

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  6. #45
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    So I would resist the temptation to tell yourself about how unique you are to want a certain kind of connection (most of us want "connection" i.e. friends and perhaps romantic relationships) and instead get very basic and bluntly honest with yourself. We all worry about rejection - normal human emotion.

  7. #46
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So I would resist the temptation to tell yourself about how unique you are to want a certain kind of connection (most of us want "connection" i.e. friends and perhaps romantic relationships) and instead get very basic and bluntly honest with yourself. We all worry about rejection - normal human emotion.
    I hear you. Thank you.

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