Advice about a situation that has evolved...

I rarely post here but when I’m feeling like I really need a little peanut gallery support, the ENA family is great for that!!

 

I wrote about a situation months ago where I started taking a class, I really was drawn to the instructor. I wanted to get to know her. I was attracted to her but totally had/have boundaries around that. I am gay. She is, well, hell, I don’t know but she is married to a man but separated. I didn’t make any assumptions. I have never hit on her (in the typical overt way) or been weird about things, but she knows I really enjoy her and our friendship. She has told me the same. The situation really had me in knots because I cared (CARE - but this was back then) about it a lot. I tried to be easy about and that was good and positive. Fast forward to today. We have become really sweet friends. Like, we have a very delightful an unexpected connection that I absolutely love. Not the typical friendship - for either of us. She is as sweet to me as I am to her. It’s definitely mutual. I have no idea where it will go, perhaps it will stay at a friendship. I feel that there is something more between us but I am letting her take the lead of everything. I absolutely adore her, truth be told. We have exchanged very sweet sentimental gifts and cards. Although she is separated, she definitely loves her husband and they are best friends. I think this is lovely. They just left today for a pretty lengthy vacation. I am quite sad about her leaving of course. We said our sweet goodbyes and I know we’ll keep in touch while she is away. But here is where I am now. I have always been at that place with her of, do I text her or do I not text her? How much is too much? I am definitely more of the initiator of the two of us and so I have always been very careful to try to not be too THERE. I want her to have fun on her vacation. I want her to text me when she wants. On the other hand, I don’t want her to forget about me or think I’m not thinking of her. On the OTHER hand, if I text her all sweetly when she is on vacation, maybe that is too much... Jesus, I have no idea. I’m quite sweet on her while also wanting to respect her process/relationship, whatever that is...

she will not forget about you of course. It is just a vacation. If she is coming to Europe you can casually text her and ask about interesting places that she is about to visit but I suggest not to. if she is in the mood to share she will otherwise you are going to push her to do it.

she will not forget about you of course. It is just a vacation. If she is coming to Europe you can casually text her and ask about interesting places that she is about to visit but I suggest not to. if she is in the mood to share she will otherwise you are going to push her to do it.

 

Thank you, goly. I actually agree with you. That was my inclination as well so thank you very much :-)

Good grief she's on vacation with her HUSBAND and they are hardly "separated" if they are going on vacation as a couple. You are wasting your good dating years fawning over a woman who is married no where near emotionally or otherwise broken up with her husband.

 

Instead of bothering her while she is on vacation, you would do well to keep your distance and start dating other gay women who are not still married to a man.

 

I feel bad for you that you are that enmeshed emotionally to her that you don't realize that you should leave her to enjoy their vacation with the man she loves. If she contacts you, you should respond briefly and end the convo telling her to have a good time with her hubby and you'll talk when she gets back.

 

Although she is separated, she definitely loves her husband and they are best friends. I think this is lovely. They just left today for a pretty lengthy vacation.

Good grief she's on vacation with her HUSBAND and they are hardly "separated" if they are going on vacation as a couple. You are wasting your good dating years fawning over a woman who is married no where near emotionally or otherwise broken up with her husband.

 

Instead of bothering her while she is on vacation, you would do well to keep your distance and start dating other gay women who are not still married to a man.

 

I feel bad for you that you are that enmeshed emotionally to her that you don't realize that you should leave her to enjoy their vacation with the man she loves. If she contacts you, you should respond briefly and end the convo telling her to have a good time with her hubby and you'll talk when she gets back.

 

Interesting response. Well, that is the trouble with ENA. You don’t know any of the background of any of this and you can only form your opinion based on my post. Well, none of us wants to be enmeshed, do we? But we fall in love. We have connections with other people. She IS separated. She IS still friends with her husband. Hence, they are traveling together. Loving her doesn’t make me weird or sad. It makes me human. I can LET her have fun with her husband. I never said anything to the contrary. But again, you don’t know the nature of our relationship either. You are assuming that I’m being some unwanted annoyance in her life.

 

I do agree that I don’t know where she is emotionally regarding him or me and that “fawning” isn’t what I want to do. But I do deeply care about her and I see nothing wrong with that. She cares about me as well.

Would you be comfortable with her telling you she hooked up with her husband, or about her dating life or who she would like to date? Friends discuss such things. I am sorry if I didn't read correctly but does she know you are gay? I'm just not sure you can be a true friend to her if you are this attracted to her.

Would you be comfortable with her telling you she hooked up with her husband, or about her dating life or who she would like to date? Friends discuss such things. I am sorry if I didn't read correctly but does she know you are gay? I'm just not sure you can be a true friend to her if you are this attracted to her.

 

Yes, she knows I am gay. Well, I could be her friend if she told me things like that, yes. I would prefer other things but I could certainly and would certainly want to keep being her friend regardless. To be honest, I assume that she does still sleep with her husband because I have no idea and I know that as her friend, I would have to be okay with it or it can’t be a true friendship. She doesn’t talk much about her relationship. I mean, to be honest, first and foremost, we are friends and I love our friendship and I want to keep it and her in my life regardless.

I get that you care about her like anyone care about a close friend. However people just don't randomly ask how much they should text a friend while on vacation unless they're reaching. I think you're reaching for something you don't even know if it's there.

 

You have let yourself fall for someone who may or may not be interested, for someone all you know is "separated", for someone who may only be reciprocating your kindness but does not care as much as you do.

 

If you have no idea how this person feels for you emotionally, step back and ask yourself if chasing her is diminishing your chances of finding the right gal for you.

So, she is on her way to Europe. Of course I want to text her as she has layovers. But then I think, maybe this is a time to let her come to me.

I agree. I don't think you should be sending her text messages when she is on vacation with her husband. To me, it would be really annoying, but that's just me. IF, and it's a big IF, she wants to correspond with you, she will. Right now, I would say back off.

I get that you care about her like anyone care about a close friend. However people just don't randomly ask how much they should text a friend while on vacation unless they're reaching. I think you're reaching for something you don't even know if it's there.

 

You have let yourself fall for someone who may or may not be interested, for someone all you know is "separated", for someone who may only be reciprocating your kindness but does not care as much as you do.

 

If you have no idea how this person feels for you emotionally, step back and ask yourself if chasing her is diminishing your chances of finding the right gal for you.

 

Thank you, Lootie-

 

Yes, I do get what you are saying. And yes, I although I know we have something lovely, I don’t know how she feels exactly. I do know that we have a mutual sweetness between us and yes, I would be open to more but I have never needed it in order to care about her and be her friend. I also do realize that in one way or another, she is still involved with her husband and I do respect that.

I agree. I don't think you should be sending her text messages when she is on vacation with her husband. To me, it would be really annoying, but that's just me. IF, and it's a big IF, she wants to correspond with you, she will. Right now, I would say back off.

 

Totally noted and I agree. Thank you!! I feel better doing that anyway. I never want anyone to feel pressured to communicate with me.

Interesting response. Well, that is the trouble with ENA. You don’t know any of the background of any of this and you can only form your opinion based on my post.

I suppose but those opinions that you resonate with would be no different then. You are over-the-top in limerence wherein your limerent object is still very much married and emotionally connected to her HUSBAND. How much of her romantic heart would she have left for you?

 

Well, none of us wants to be enmeshed, do we? But we fall in love.

Or we form personal boundaries wherein the rule we give our self is "I will not get involved with someone who is not free to get involved with." Boundaries keep us safe from getting shredded like you're likely going to get, at least the odds say you will be.

 

We have connections with other people. She IS separated. She IS still friends with her husband.

You are in denial. Sorry but a married woman who goes on vacations with her husband is still very much married and they are clearly still very much emotionally invested in one another.

Hence, they are traveling together.

Hence they are still married and are very likely trying to reconcile. Does she even live separately or is she still living with him?

 

Loving her doesn’t make me weird or sad. It makes me human.

It also makes you someone who is not looking out for her own emotional health, someone who is stagnating herself in her limerence for a married woman to the point that you will never find a good partner who is single because you are so enthralled with her that no one else is going to be able to float your boat.

 

I can LET her have fun with her husband. I never said anything to the contrary.

You can "let" her have fun with her husband?

But again, you don’t know the nature of our relationship either.

You are crushing on someone who still loves her husband, is still vacationing with him. Sounds pretty clear to me. Even if she's having sex with you (don't know if she is, just saying) then she is still going off with the man you know she loves because you've said so in your post.

 

You are assuming that I’m being some unwanted annoyance in her life.

No I'm not and what I originally wrote doesn't even imply that. What I am implying is that you are infatuated with someone who is very much still married and you are wasting good dating years being in this inappropriate friendship in which you are hoping is more than that.

 

Perhaps you are polyamorous in nature and don't mind sharing as long as you get some of her, I don't know but if you were really ready to be in a committed, reciprocal, exclusive relationship, she would never be someone you would entertain a crush for because she's not free to be with you and only you.

 

I do agree that I don’t know where she is emotionally regarding him or me and that “fawning” isn’t what I want to do. But I do deeply care about her and I see nothing wrong with that. She cares about me as well.

You have your romantic eyes set on someone who isn't free to be with you. You don't see anything wrong with that? You don't see yourself wasting good dating years being unable to find someone you click with because your heart and mind are on her and she's not free to be with you?

 

Even if she is, she loves her husband but like so many people, they will sometimes have their cake while keeping it to and that would leave you "the other woman."

 

Take from this post what you will and leave the rest or leave it all. I'm just sayin.

Yes, she knows I am gay. Well, I could be her friend if she told me things like that, yes. I would prefer other things but I could certainly and would certainly want to keep being her friend regardless. To be honest, I assume that she does still sleep with her husband because I have no idea and I know that as her friend, I would have to be okay with it or it can’t be a true friendship. She doesn’t talk much about her relationship. I mean, to be honest, first and foremost, we are friends and I love our friendship and I want to keep it and her in my life regardless.

 

I do not think you can be a true friend to her if you are that romantically attracted to her that you would prefer not to talk about her romantic interest in other people. Its a good litmus test IMO and one I've used on myself.

Yes, wherein you are over-the-top in limerence wherein your limerent object is still very much married and emotionally connected to her HUSBAND.

 

Or we form personal boundaries wherein the rule we give our self is "I will not get involved with someone who is not free to get involved with." Boundaries keep us safe from getting shredded like you're likely going to get, at least the odds say you will be.

 

You are in denial. Sorry but a married woman who goes on vacations with her husband is still very much married and they are clearly still very much emotionally invested in one another. Hence they are still married and are very likely trying to reconcile. Does she even live separately or is she still living with him?

 

It also makes you someone who is not looking out for her own emotional health, someone who is stagnating herself in her limerence for a married woman to the point that you will never fine a good partner who is single because you are so enthralled with her that no one else is going to be able to float your boat.

 

You can "let" her have fun with her husband? You are crushing on someone who still loves her husband, is still vacationing with him and whom is enjoying your attention and friendship.

 

No I'm not and what I originally wrote doesn't even imply that. What I am implying is that you are infatuated with someone who is very much still married and you are wasting good dating years being in this inappropriate friendship in which you are hoping is more than that.

 

Perhaps you are polyamorous in nature and don't mind sharing as long as you get some of her, I don't know but if you were really ready to be in a committed, reciprocal, exclusive relationship, she would never be someone you would entertain a crush for because she's not free to be with you and only you.

 

I do agree that I don’t know where she is emotionally regarding him or me and that “fawning” isn’t what I want to do. But I do deeply care about her and I see nothing wrong with that. She cares about me as well.

 

No, they don’t live together. First and foremost. I’m not that obtuse. I wouldn’t even entertain any of this if we were talking about a couple that was married and living together. I DO have boundaries. I have had boundaries with her this entire friendship. I haven’t overstepped or been disrespectful to her relationship. What I put on here are my heartfelt feelings that I keep to myself and do not make known to her because I want to be appropriate. I said I can “let” her have fun on vacation in response to the previous comment, “LET her have fun with her husband.” No one said I wasn’t going to allow her to enjoy her vacation without me a a virtual part of it. I do have respect for her - complete respect. When I come here to ask advice, I’m asking for advice. I’m not asking for forgiveness for something naughty that I have done. I would agree that I don’t know if she is emotionally available in that way. That is true. And yes, I would like to eventually be with someone emotionally available. I am intent on being single right now because I was in a relationship for five years which ended awhile back. This connection took me by surprise and I enjoy it and I very much enjoy her. I want to keep it healthy and I want to have good boundaries. THAT is why I posted.

I do not think you can be a true friend to her if you are that romantically attracted to her that you would prefer not to talk about her romantic interest in other people. Its a good litmus test IMO and one I've used on myself.

 

I hear you on that but I want to be a true friend to her. Not only if she ends up “liking” me but regardless. We have always been friends first but your litmus test is rational and I get it.

 

No, they don’t live together. First and foremost. I’m not that obtuse. I wouldn’t even entertain any of this if we were talking about a couple that was married and living together. I DO have boundaries.

If you had a boundaries about this type of thing then you would distance yourself from the friendship so that you could cool your jets about her romantically. You wouldn't start a thread in which you are worried that she might forget about you if you don't contact her while she's enjoying time with her husband.

 

I have had boundaries with her this entire friendship. I haven’t overstepped or been disrespectful to her relationship. What I put on her are my heartfelt feelings that I keep to myself and do not make known to her because I want to be appropriate.

What bout you and your romantic life? You should be out enjoying chasing and being chased by woman who are free to be with you and with whom you know don't have a husband they love still.

 

I said I can “let” her have fun on vacation in response to the previous comment, “LET her have fun with her husband.” No one said I wasn’t going to allow her to enjoy her vacation without me a a virtual part of it.

You texting her is not "letting" her enjoy her time with him. If you were just a friend who didn't want her romantically, you wouldn't even think about texting her while on vacation. You would of course respond if she sent you pics or a text about her vacation but you wouldn't need to ask strangers on the internet if you should nor would you be worried that she might forget about you.

 

I do have respect for her - complete respect. When I come here to ask advice, I’m asking for advice. I’m not asking for forgiveness for something naughty that I have done. I would agree that I don’t know if she is emotionally available in that way. That is true. And yes, I would like to eventually be with someone emotionally available. I am intent on being single right now because I was in a relationship for five years which ended awhile back.

Do you have other friends that you can have fun with while she's gone, really enjoy being single by taking your mind and heart out of her hands and being free of your want of her?

 

This connection took me by surprise and I enjoy it and I very much enjoy her. I want to keep it healthy and I want to have good boundaries. THAT is why I posted.

Yet you really liked the post that recommended that you let down boundaries and contact her.

 

Okay, luv. I'll let you get on with your thread. In the meantime I hope the time away will put things in better perspective for you.

If you had a boundaries about this type of thing then you would distance yourself from the friendship so that you could cool your jets about her romantically. You wouldn't start a thread in which you are worried that she might forget about you if you don't contact her while she's enjoying time with her husband.

 

What bout you and your romantic life? You should be out enjoying chasing and being chased by woman who are free to be with you and with whom you know don't have a husband they love still.

 

You texting her is not "letting" her enjoy her time with him. If you were just a friend who didn't want her romantically, you wouldn't even think about texting her while on vacation. You would of course respond if she sent you pics or a text about her vacation but you wouldn't need to ask strangers on the internet if you should nor would you be worried that she might forget about you.

 

Do you have other friends that you can have fun with while she's gone, really enjoy being single by taking your mind and heart out of her hands and being free of your want of her?

 

 

Yet you really liked the post that recommended that you let down boundaries and contact her.

 

Okay, luv. I'll let you get on with your thread. In the meantime I hope the time away will put things in better perspective for you.

 

I’m not sure which post you are referring to that I liked. I have repeatedly said that I am not going to contact her and I feel good about that. I think you make some good points, though. I shouldn’t have said that I don’t want her to forget about me. That was stupid to say and not exactly what I meant. Clearly she won’t. I had a dream about her last night and woke up today really sad about all of this - her going away, etc. and yes, I have other things to do and things to keep me busy. Today was just a hard day of realizations. I know falling for a technically married person isn’t ideal. I have actually never had this experience. I know your advice comes from a good place and you do make sense. I guess I don’t want to think that maybe I don’t matter to her as much as I thought I did.

I’m not sure which post you are referring to that I liked. I have repeatedly said that I am not going to contact her and I feel good about that.

Yes, you seem to have changed your mind from post #3 wherein post #2 suggested you text her first.

 

I think you make some good points, though. I shouldn’t have said that I don’t want her to forget about me. That was stupid to say and not exactly what I meant. Clearly she won’t. I had a dream about her last night and woke up today really sad about all of this - her going away, etc. and yes, I have other things to do and things to keep me busy. Today was just a hard day of realizations. I know falling for a technically married person isn’t ideal. I have actually never had this experience. I know your advice comes from a good place and you do make sense. I guess I don’t want to think that maybe I don’t matter to her as much as I thought I did.

Well, I will (rightly) assume that you do mean a lot to her, you are a good friend to her after all. I'm just saying it's in your best interests to not fuel your crush when she isn't free to be who you want her to be. At the very least you would be a rebound, at worst you would be the other woman. That's like the proverbial rock and a hard place.

 

Take care of your heart, Sister.

Yes, you seem to have changed your mind from post #3 wherein post #2 suggested you text her first.

 

Well, I will (rightly) assume that you do mean a lot to her, you are a good friend to her after all. I'm just saying it's in your best interests to not fuel your crush when she isn't free to be who you want her to be. At the very least you would be a rebound, at worst you would be the other woman. That's like the proverbial rock and a hard place.

 

Take care of your heart, Sister.

 

Thank you, ThatwasThen. I truly appreciate your kind yet firm words. Sometimes I come here for a smack into reality as much as the sweetness. You have given me some super logical things to think about. I think we do mean a lot to each other. Well, I know we do. But you are right in that she, at the moment, isn’t available. And I really do want to keep being a good friend to her. Thank you again.

And yes, I although I know we have something lovely, I don’t know how she feels exactly. I do know that we have a mutual sweetness between us and yes, I would be open to more but I have never needed it in order to care about her and be her friend. I also do realize that in one way or another, she is still involved with her husband and I do respect that.

 

I get the sense that most of the sweetness and loveliness is coming from your side. She's basking in your glow.

 

Have you ever been in a position where you know that someone really likes you, and you like them too -- but not as much, and not in the same way? You are drawn in by them perhaps more than you would ordinarily be, because know they'll make special concessions for you because of their fondness for you? Like everything you do is cute or precious?

 

It can be a nice situation, especially when your life is in turmoil otherwise.

 

I think you are in danger of being hurt. You are clearly smitten with her, lingering around just in case she might decide to explore other aspects of her sexuality. You have had no encouragement that she feels the same way about you, other than the fact that she accepts your attention.

She's separated but going on vacation with her husband? I think somebody is making up stories. I'm surprised she's not banned.

I am letting her take the lead of everything.

 

This statement is clear, so why not just follow it? That removes all ambiguity, there's nothing confusing about it.

 

Expand your focus beyond this woman, and you will thank yourself.

I get the sense that most of the sweetness and loveliness is coming from your side. She's basking in your glow.

 

Have you ever been in a position where you know that someone really likes you, and you like them too -- but not as much, and not in the same way? You are drawn in by them perhaps more than you would ordinarily be, because know they'll make special concessions for you because of their fondness for you? Like everything you do is cute or precious?

 

It can be a nice situation, especially when your life is in turmoil otherwise.

 

I think you are in danger of being hurt. You are clearly smitten with her, lingering around just in case she might decide to explore other aspects of her sexuality. You have had no encouragement that she feels the same way about you, other than the fact that she accepts your attention.

 

Actually, she has been with words and actions, just as sweet to me. She doesn’t have to be. No one is making her say or do things. That is her choice. I’m sure she is, yes, appreciating that I enjoy her and am very fond of her, but I’m certainly not imagining what is between us. There is plenty of evidence. Now, that doesn’t mean she wants to be with me and I completely accept that. And I definitely agree that I could be hurt. It’s always possible when hearts are involved. I’m still trying to keep that boundary strong because I really do love being her friend, first and foremost.

She's separated but going on vacation with her husband? I think somebody is making up stories. I'm surprised she's not banned.

 

Yes, why is that hard to understand? I have broken up with people but remained friends with them and traveled with them.

This statement is clear, so why not just follow it? That removes all ambiguity, there's nothing confusing about it.

 

Expand your focus beyond this woman, and you will thank yourself.

 

Thank you, Catfeeder. Yes, it has been a great thing thus far to just let her take the lead. I have felt really good about it.