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Thread: Advice about a situation that has evolved...

  1. #21
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    She's separated but going on vacation with her husband? I think somebody is making up stories. I'm surprised she's not banned.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I am letting her take the lead of everything.
    This statement is clear, so why not just follow it? That removes all ambiguity, there's nothing confusing about it.

    Expand your focus beyond this woman, and you will thank yourself.

  3. #23
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Advice about a situation that has evolved...

    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I get the sense that most of the sweetness and loveliness is coming from your side. She's basking in your glow.

    Have you ever been in a position where you know that someone really likes you, and you like them too -- but not as much, and not in the same way? You are drawn in by them perhaps more than you would ordinarily be, because know they'll make special concessions for you because of their fondness for you? Like everything you do is cute or precious?

    It can be a nice situation, especially when your life is in turmoil otherwise.

    I think you are in danger of being hurt. You are clearly smitten with her, lingering around just in case she might decide to explore other aspects of her sexuality. You have had no encouragement that she feels the same way about you, other than the fact that she accepts your attention.
    Actually, she has been with words and actions, just as sweet to me. She doesnít have to be. No one is making her say or do things. That is her choice. Iím sure she is, yes, appreciating that I enjoy her and am very fond of her, but Iím certainly not imagining what is between us. There is plenty of evidence. Now, that doesnít mean she wants to be with me and I completely accept that. And I definitely agree that I could be hurt. Itís always possible when hearts are involved. Iím still trying to keep that boundary strong because I really do love being her friend, first and foremost.

  4. #24
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    She's separated but going on vacation with her husband? I think somebody is making up stories. I'm surprised she's not banned.
    Yes, why is that hard to understand? I have broken up with people but remained friends with them and traveled with them.

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  6. #25
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    This statement is clear, so why not just follow it? That removes all ambiguity, there's nothing confusing about it.

    Expand your focus beyond this woman, and you will thank yourself.
    Thank you, Catfeeder. Yes, it has been a great thing thus far to just let her take the lead. I have felt really good about it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Soulsister2010
    Thank you, Catfeeder. Yes, it has been a great thing thus far to just let her take the lead. I have felt really good about it.
    Don't forget the part where Catfeeder tells you to "expand your focus beyond this woman."

    (yes I'm still here pounding it home, SoulSister. )

  8. #27
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Don't forget the part where Catfeeder tells you to "expand your focus beyond this woman."

    (yes I'm still here pounding it home, SoulSister. )
    Lol!!! I caught that part!! Thank you, ThatWasThen! And I completely agree, of course.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's really the key part, that one.

    This is just my opinion, but I think when we find ourselves crushing hard on something that is complicated, complex, murky, perhaps unattainable and impossible, and so on, it is not merely about the "mysterious force of human feeling" so much as a reflection of something in ourselvesóan aperture asking to be widened not trained on one thing.

    I can't help but feel, here, that there is a correlation between the intensity of your feelings for her and the complexity of her situationóthe fact that the odds are very, very slim that those feelings can be reciprocated right now in a way that is healthy, rich, sustainable. Might be worth exploring all that, a bit.

  10. #29
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    It's really the key part, that one.

    This is just my opinion, but I think when we find ourselves crushing hard on something that is complicated, complex, murky, perhaps unattainable and impossible, and so on, it is not merely about the "mysterious force of human feeling" so much as a reflection of something in ourselvesóan aperture asking to be widened not trained on one thing.

    I can't help but feel, here, that there is a correlation between the intensity of your feelings for her and the complexity of her situationóthe fact that the odds are very, very slim that those feelings can be reciprocated right now in a way that is healthy, rich, sustainable. Might be worth exploring all that, a bit.
    Bluecastle, I think this is brilliant and I actually think about this a lot. I was actually thinking about it the other day. I would agree that I have more than once been drawn to women than are not available - usually they arenít married :-) But they arenít perhaps emotionally available and that is something I think of often. Thank you for this. I do wonder why this has been a pattern of mine.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm just throwing this out there, but often that means that you are not availableóor not as available as you think. That there is a comfort, felt somewhat subconsciously, in the idea that it can't quite work, or can't become fully real. Knowing that allows a fantasy to blossom, and fantasies are comforting, while reality can be downright terrifying.

    I've been there, in different ways, for a lot of my adult life. I'm about to turn 40 and am only now, truly, finding myself not at all drawn to unavailable, in any form. Doesn't matter how smart, how intriguing, how stunning, how sparkly things are when we're face to face. For instance, I met a woman maybe 7 months ago who checked off all the boxes I like checked, save for one: she was from Europe, in the US for an indeterminate amount of time, lecturing here, traveling there. Compelling stuff, even that, except it meant....well, it meant that the odds of anything becoming real were stacked against me. I didn't have to "control" my feelings because they just weren't there, once I learned that (an hour into meeting her).

    In another life I'd probably be texting her right now, planning an adventure to City X to see about Connection Y. In this life we hung out for another hour, that was that, and soon after I met someone who was available. It's a far more vulnerable thing, that. I have all the feelings and no matter how hard I break my brain I can't come up with a reason why we might not workóso those more dramatic complexities (and barriers) are replaced with the deeper complexities of connection and mutual surrender.

    Stuff to think about.

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