i can't take much more of this.

hello all,

i am a 15 year old girl, firstborn child, and older sister of 2. since the birth of my younger brother, my mom has been very angry and unhappy with her life. i think it is my sister and brother's shenanigans together that drive her crazy, as she constantly is stressed and on a short fuse with everyone. i suffer from what i believe is ocd, as i have made routines for myself to follow every day and i get panicky if i don't get everything done. my mom gets angry with me for just going about my business every day and says that "it's selfish that i just go and do what i want". she wants me to help around the house more which i understand, but most of the time when she asks me for help she is screaming at me or demanding things of me. i don't care to help people who are jerky to me. this has been going on for years and affects not only me, but the rest of my family as well. she goes on rampages, throwing things angrily and screaming. she even takes cheap shots at me and my dad and when she gets in the right mood, will curse in front of the little ones. i used to be more submissive and let her have at me, but now that i'm older i try to stand up for myself. i refuse to let anyone disrespect me, let alone my own mother. she always attacks me for my bad attitude. granted, i can always work on it, but respect is mutual. how am i supposed to respect her when i live in such a tension-filled environment created by her? i'm almost 16, so once i learn to drive i am going to use that as my escape to get away from her. if she keeps it up, i am contemplating moving out at 18 once i become emancipated. i hate living in such an angry environment where all i as well as my family do is walk on eggshells all the time. i apologize for such a long post, but i really need answers. i can't take much more of this. on behalf of me and my family, help!

Your post is very insightful and well written. Your mother seems to suffer from stress or mood or some other issues that doesn't involve you. Hold on tight and keep your head above water. Start now tuning up your grades to the max. Write your own ticket. Make it so you can get into the college of your choice and can apply for financial aide, student housing etc. Apply for colleges where you can live on campus. Consider getting a part time job for some extra cash and independence and to earn experience. The best part is you'll be out of the house more.

Develop other areas of your life. Sports, hobbies, interests, talents etc. Join as many after school clubs groups and teams as you can. Enlist the guidance and help of other adults. Teachers, relatives you can confide in. Do stand for yourself if she is bullying you. But do so with logic and reason. Unfortunately you can't change your mother. However you can understand that she is broken in some way and carve a life of your own through a careful and realistic vision of the future. Make a promise to yourself to be a better person and create a better life, while trying to understand the flaws of parents.

Respect for your parents is the most fundamental principle that is lost among the young today. You got it all wrong. The respect you give to parents is given solely on the very fact that you are here on this planet earth because of them. Not on the basis that they must respect you first.

It follows that if you show respect to your parents, you are likely to get less hassle and you are unlikely to trigger the screaming and shouting.

You may also have to think whether your mother might be suffering from post-natal depression and hence the moodiness.

You sound like you have given your mother a load of bad attitude in recent years possibly due to you going through puberty and that is why you get slapped with the same attitude right back at you. Stop. Treat your family with love and that must begin with you. Only when you are able to show some love and respect that you are able to turn things around.

Good luck.

I'm going to have to disagree with Wout here.

Like Wiseman said, it sounds like your mother is not managing the stress of life very well. Whatever is behind that—a low-grade mood disorder, being overwhelmed by parenting three kids, whatever—it does not have anything to do with you. It's something she's dealing with and, sometimes, takes it out on you. Try, hard as it is, not to make it personal.

I don't believe we owe our parents respect for placing us on planet earth. At all. That was a choice they made, for their own lives. We do not have to reward that choice as children; we are the reward. Also, we are children, they are adults. It's their job to act like an one, no matter what we do as kids. Screaming, throwing things, going on rampages, cursing in front of small kids—I'm sorry, but the most bratty and defiant of adolescent behavior is not an excuse for any of that. Parents are supposed teach teenagers not to be that way, by example, not the other way around.

My father didn't treat me well. I have less respect for him than anyone I know, and that dates back to when I was younger than you. I think this makes me healthy. I couldn't choose him; I got dealt a sh*t hand in that department. But I made a good hand out of it.

Deep breaths, belle. You'll be driving soon, and that's going to be great. Freedom. Get college in the crosshairs—good stuff, more freedom. Some of us get parents who are great models for how to be, as I have in my mother, and some of us get parents who are great models for how not to be, as I got in my father. I'm grateful for both, at this stage in my life, some 25 years older than you. I know that probably doesn't resonate much, but maybe it does—a touch.

I do very much love my father. I accept him for who he is, and in a strange way I think that's made me a pretty kind and compassionate person—learning to love someone despite their flaws, as Wiseman said. Doesn't mean being a martyr, nor does it mean being a rebel. Just means being you—and recognizing that your mother is not your path—and holding on tight when things are wobbling.

I fully agree with Wiseman2, lots of good advice there. I disagree with Wout. Something is troubling your mother and the possibilities are many. It's above your pay grade to figure that out. I do think she should see her doctor but that's her decision and you cant likely talk her into going to see him/her.

I left home at 18 as I could not deal with my mother any longer, she was a different type of abuser than you have. I was the younger of two kids. She was a nasty, bitter woman and the best thing I did was to leave at 18 and make my way in the world.

The power of negotiation is a skill that will serve you well through out your entire lifetime. It's the art of showing someone why it's in their best interests to cooperate with what you want, but it's not just about talk. It's about making the right investments in your OWN behavior to gain the leverage to ask for what your want.

Since you already KNOW what you can do to help around the house, I'd invest in changing my own behavior, not only because it's helpful to my family, but also because it's helpful for ME to know that I'm making my very best contribution to my household, regardless of what anyone does or says. It also lays the groundwork for my best platform to negotiate some peace.

After a week or so of investing my best efforts around the house and avoiding situations that set her off, which might require putting my social life on hold temporarily, I'd approach Mom at a time when she is not screaming. I'd tell her that I want to apologize for a few things and ask if it's an okay time to talk. That will get her attention and open her mind to hearing.

I'd start off by telling her that I've been thinking about her a lot. I realize that I love her more than I've been able to express, and I'm sorry that haven't demonstrated this. I want to work my part to help make her life easier, and I hope she will consider writing me a list of the things that she wants from me and how often. While I'm not positioned to ask for anything beyond the room and board she already provides me, I hope she'll consider my best efforts as a peace offering, and she'll speak to me kindly if she wants to inform me of anything I'm not doing properly or often enough. If she'll consider using the same approach with my siblings, I'll back her up to help them learn why it's in their best interests to cooperate.

I'd go silent after that and listen. If Mom ramps up into screaming, I'd let her go off and remain silent. If she works herself up into a rage and walks off, I'd let her go without saying one word to compound the problem. I'd trust that if she's capable of reflecting on this later, she will, and maybe she'll work with you. If not, then I'd face the fact that Mom has become sick beyond reason, which is a far different problem than a mere unwillingness to cooperate and accept help. That's a condition that isn't her fault, and it's also not yours.

Meanwhile, I'd make an appointment with my school counselor to learn what resources may be helpful to me. If it turns out that Mom accepts your help, then you've become a model for cooperation that could buy you enough trust from her to reason with her during calmer times and hopefully create more of those. You may still learn of resources that can help you create the future you'll want to pursue. If Mom thwarts your efforts and continues to rave, you'll learn what resources can help you navigate either from within--or possibly from outside--your household.

Create a chore chart. I know, you're the kid, but it could be you do your own laundry, but wash the dishes each night, while the siblings make and clear the table. And once a week, you vacuum, while all 3 of you do the lawn maintenance.

Then if she gets in one of her moods, you point to the chart, and she will calm down. The outbursts are from and OCD thing as well - trying to control.

And get a part-time or after school or summer job. Get out of the house more. Or volunteer. Or join a band. Get out of the house more, and still stick to your weekly/daily chores.