has he killed my mojo?

Hi Guys,

Hope all is well. So I will try keep this short as possible. I met a guy through work and we ended up working really close for a small team. So over a period of like 8 months me and him started dating - so in the first months of dating we were messing around and I was leading into you know going the 'whole way'. But he just couldn't seem to get it up. He just said he was really drunk even though he was 25 at the time I was like ok whatever. Then second time round it happened again. So I asked him like has he had other partners like is he not into me? All I got was yes I've been with partners I think I'm tired or drunk. So our relationship was more like just going out eating together, cuddling etc nothing more. Then I saw him naked and I noticed how small he was like he's 6ft 3 I wasn't expecting it to be huge but normal looking. So again I asked him over the course of 4 months like don't you want to have sex and so on. Then he opened up to me how he has a problem getting it up he thinks he has diabetes. So I immediately suggested like go to the doctors, get it checked your so young you should find out whats going on. He just never went and then on every time I would bring it up he'd have a go at me like how I'm hurting his feelings and making him feel bad.

Some of my girlfriends couldn't believe it and was like he obviously doesn't want to sort this issue out - leave.

We got on great and also we worked together then moved into together so we were so involved. He would still always try and touch me up and then try and perform but then start being really dramatic and making huffing and puffing and acting frustrated. Now to me my feelings is like I'm with a guy who can't perform and then I have to let this small thing inside me and wait for him to do whatever he thinks he's doing - he's inexperienced of everything else too. Like I'm sorry to say it I'm a little disgusted. Then I have to comfort him and say 'its ok' even though he won't go and see a doctor.

So our relationship became just an old couple I stopped feeling good, sexy and didn't really see the point of kissing or anything. Yet he was still expecting me to look sexy and act it. So 1 year and half (life flew by) he just starts being just a crappy boyfriend. Always arguing with me, being rude to me, insulting me in public. Just completely got too comfortable and crossed the line. He would have really nasty arguments with me and then start laughing like it was all funny and then go back to normal in the space of 10mins. SO I broke up with him was like a mutual thing too he knew its not going to work and we have no future.

So in the meantime I've moved out left that job. Yet he still tries to call me everyday - ill not pick up but i get 100 missed calls, i'll tell him like were over let me be. He agrees were over but I think he feels we can switch back into 'friends' mode.

Anyway saw my friends and they are like how I need to start dating its been over 6months since we've broken up, how i need to get my confidence back. I AGREE.

So I had met a guy I really liked and clicked with we went on a few dates and when it came out to do it I don't know why I just felt like weird. Just felt so embrassed of my body (nothing wrong with my body) but I just felt insecure and didn't end up going through with it.

One of my ex boyfriends we always stay in touch and mess around with each other and its absolutely great. He's said to me your really tense and awkward and weird like whats happened to you. I do have feelings down there but I feel a bit traumatised a little from my recent boyfriend I just don't know how to do it I feel like i've forgotten. Its been like 3 years now no hanky panky.

On top of this my ex is constantly saying how I should date and I'll find someone being really supportive. But its like he has a radar still over me when I'm on these dates he immediately has an emergency he has to call me or just even call me 5 times in one go then when I pick up its like 'what you doing? what did you eat? nonesense'

I can't block him because of work related stuff even though I've left I still am doing freelance but from home. He's on my team as I said.

To be honest I can move on and start dating and not feel guilty but its like why am I finding it so hard to do 'it' even though I want too. I do not have any feelings for my ex boyfriend - I care about him as a friend but other than that no attraction nothing its completely dead. Over the course of our relationship he was very verbally abusive that I find him very ugly, I went through a lot of anxiety and little bit of depression in that relationship. He doesn't think it was that serious or that bad cause he can go from insulting me in the most disgusting way to then laughing and then kissing me and saying sorry.

I skipped over a few parts not wanting this to be so long. If you have questions I'll answer them

Deep breaths.

To answer your question simply: No, he has not "killed" your mojo. It just sounds like you're recovering from what was, speaking frankly, a 1.5 year relationship that probably should have lasted a weekend. No judgement. I've been in some curious entanglements myself. Obvious as it all might be, doesn't mean the untangling isn't a process.

I don't know if you've spent much time reflecting on why you stayed in something in which one of the main reasons people get into romantic relationships—you know, sex—never existed. But I'd imagine that once you have a solid understanding of that—a story that holds, and allows you to move forward—you'll be less beholden to this chapter and, as a result, less "tense" and "awkward" out there in the world.

But on that note? I'd say that being tense and awkward with an ex you occasionally circle back to and hookup with—as well as a dude you've only been on a few dates with—is actually a healthy thing, a mark of growth. You're around 30, yeah? That's a time of change, where things that worked in the past (sleeping with near-strangers, sleeping with exes) don't work the same way, where maybe you need to move slower, or approach things from a different angle, then you had in the past.

In my 20s, for instance, I had a female "friend" that I'd hookup with here and there, when we were both single, a little lost. It was hot, spicy, comforting—felt both "wrong" and "so right" in that seductive juvenile way. We found each other again when I was in my early 30s—I'm about to turn 40 now—and I assumed we'd have a glass of wine, roll around, same old thing. But I just wasn't there, and neither, really, was she. We kind of laughed. "Guess we're adults now," one of us said, meaning that cheap thrills and quasi-self-destructive distractions just weren't as thrilling—or distracting—as they once were. Seemed we needed something like genuine connection—or at least forward moment, instead of treading water in the past—to, you know, relax and get off.

Anyhow, life is funny. You spent 1.5 years with a dude with some kind of sexual dysfunction. You became his nurse and cuddle buddy basically from day one, never got to be a proper girlfriend or partner, and you're still getting back on your feet. All good. Don't make it a massive mystery, or some dysfunction of your own, one you need to "cure" by "proving" you're down for the hanky panky.

You are down.You just haven't met the dude to be down with—and I'd say part of that is luck, but part of it might be a tendency to keep a foot stuck in the past, ruminating on it and engaging in it instead of finding a story with a period at the end of it and closing the book so you can live fully in the present.

Leave men out of the picture for now. Work on your self esteem without a man. Not until you're fulfilled in life in other areas, and leading a great life solo, will you be ready to date again. And if a dealbreaker like you had with him comes up when dating someone else, end the relationship ASAP. You stayed long past the expiration date, so you can't be surprised how it soured.

As for him, be strong and tell him that you need closure from your romantic relationship, and from now on you only want to be called for business, and that he needs to stick to that topic. If he doesn't respect your wishes, seek freelance jobs elsewhere and cut all ties to your past job, including him.

Hi Blue Castle,

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you. Your right I'm 30 now I don't mean to sound boring but I am a lot more conservative. Maybe I haven't met the right guy yet. The guy I went on a dated a few times honestly I really felt so compatible with him and we had such a connection but my thing is I like chicken out. We didn't need to do it. He wasn't pushing me but because I wanted too (but didn't) I cut him off. I want to have healthy relationships moving forward I want to snap out of this thing whatever I'm in. I'm meeting so many amazing people that a part of me secretly feels I'm spiting myself not giving them a chance? If that makes sense

Hi Andrina,

Thank you for replying, Oh I am so focusing on myself right now. I'm not man crazy just a little part of my life that I was addressing. Thats the thing, my life is fulfilled in other areas its just the dating aspect `i'm in a bit of a rut with. I agree with seek other freelance work. Basically I'm in a contract because I'm the only one who was doing that position so they couldn't afford to loose me as they have no one to replace me. But I 100% agree next time I will run when there is another deal breaker.