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In the hospital, got dumped right after leg surgery, in severe pain, alone


bumblebee

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Hi,

 

I didn't know where it would be relevant to post this, so I thought I'd do so here. I'm a 25 year old girl and I feel absolutely miserable right now. I was on a trip June 22-23 and broke my leg abroad. They gave me a cast in the hospital there and told me I needed surgery as soon as I got back to my home country. In my home country, June 24th, they told me my bones were aligned and I maybe didn't need surgery afterall. A few days later, I slipped in my apartment (I live alone) and accidentally put all my weight in my broken leg. It moved the bones in a bad day, they found out on Monday. Tuesday I had surgery. They put a long plate and 8 screws in my ankle. Yesterday the excruciating pain kicked in. Yesterday I also got dumped.

 

My boyfriend, a year older than me, and I had been going out on and off, long distance, he lives in a country not far away. We dated from march to june last year, he broke up with me. We dated again from september to december last year, he came back and we gave it another shot. Then we dated again from february to now. Things seemed to be going great for us in the last 5 months, up until I got my accident. In march my grandmother died (I'm an orphan and my two grandparents from my mother's side are the only family I have, now I only have grandpa left), I was devastated. He was kind and caring and loving and helped me get through it, in april he came to see me and it went great, we were very loving and affectionate with one another. We had planned a trip next month in nature, just the two of us, so we could enjoy each other's company, and now I feel horrible about it, had to cancel it as I can no longer walk.

 

Things got weird when I got my accident. Around the same time, he got a sinus infection. I became needy in the last two weeks, I could feel him getting cold and distant, I really needed affection because I'm basically crippled now for at least 6 weeks and previously having been really active and into sports it is debilitating for me to go through this. I expressed to him that I needed him, more than ever, to be there for me emotionally, that things suck right now, and I need to be told that things will be fine, and I'm loved, cared for and not alone.

 

Yesterday, we talked on the phone for 3 hours, and he told me he couldn't see himself with me long term, that he couldn't see himself potentially living with me, or with anyone for that matter, and even though he might regret this, it is easier short term for him to break up with me and date someone else. I told him goodbye in tears and told him I loved him very much and I'd miss hil greatly, and to take care, and then I removed his contact details not to be tempted to beg him to come back.

 

I feel awful and now I'm crying in my hospital bed, in both physical and emotional pain, thinking how I'm going to get home in a few hours after my surgery on crutches with a cab. I feel heartbroken.

 

tl;dr: Boyfriend dumped me the day after surgery while in the hospital because he couldn't see himself with me long term.

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BB* - Is that you? If so thank you for all your help with me last year. You’re a gem*

 

Sorry to hear about your recent trials. Your ex - What a rat! There’s never going to be a ‘good’ time to break up but sheesh, some times would certainly be better than others!

 

It feels like all the losses and hard things are coming up at once and that’s because, well, they are....

 

So this is what I want you to do right now: You’re going to have to just get plenty of rest through this. You don’t have to be out there achieving great things right now...that will come later*

 

Is there someone who can help you with food shopping and cleaning in the next week or so?

 

So that’s the practical stuff. Emotionally - Oh Hunni, what can I say. Just cry when you need to. Then, when that subsides, ask yourself ‘Ok what do I need to do going forward. For the next day, the next week...’

 

And for the love of Spirit, please don’t take the rat back when he comes calling otherwise patterns will repeat*

 

Rest up yeh. We want that leg to heal properly...and that heart*

 

((Hugs))

 

Carus*

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I'm really sorry to hear that he left you in a time of vulnerability and pain. I can only hope that through the enormous physical and emotional suffering, you realize what kind of person this man is.

 

If you let yourself be a revolving door every few months, he will come back and use you for emotional support or for whatever else he pleases. Stable and healthy relationships do not stop and start the way you have described. Recognize that you deserve better than a person who will only participate in your life part-time when it's convenient for them. I promise you that if he does come back around, it will be the same old song and dance.

 

Please steel yourself and go no contact. Yes, that means if (when) he calls again, looking for you to take him back, you so not pick up the phone. It will be one of the hardest things you ever do, but I think cutting this guy off is absolutely essential for your health and happiness.

 

Good luck and I hope you have a speedy recovery!

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Please steel yourself and go no contact. Yes, that means if (when) he calls again, looking for you to take him back, you so not pick up the phone. It will be one of the hardest things you ever do, but I think cutting this guy off is absolutely essential for your health and happiness.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

I completely understand that it hurts that he left now, OP, but this guy was not serious about you if he bouncing in and out of your life like this. In the end, it will be better that he is gone so you don't waste more time and energy on a dead-end.

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Oh ouch. I feel for you. I wish you a speedy recovery from your surgery.

 

Yes, I agree with SGH and MissCanuck. He is certainly not good for you if he floats in and out of your life. It won't do you any good and he will waste your life away if you are hanging on to the hope that he will change his mind someday. Time is priceless so do not give it away to someone who is not worthy of your time.

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How are you going to manage at home alone for the next several weeks? Is it possible for you to go to a rehab facility until you can drive again?

 

The fact that he abandoned you in your time of need shows his true character. Let yourself heal both physically and emotionally. You're lucky to have him out of your life.

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I agree with all of this.

 

I completely understand that it hurts that he left now, OP, but this guy was not serious about you if he bouncing in and out of your life like this. In the end, it will be better that he is gone so you don't waste more time and energy on a dead-end.

 

I agree with this.

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Thank you all so much for your support, it means the world to me. I am going to focus on my PT exercises as soon as the pain from the surgery gets better. I am now 2 days post-surgery, I take opioids for pain management and the surgeon said the pain would lessen after about 3-7 days. So right now I'm just coping with the pain and opioid-induced nausea and not doing much. I ordered some groceries online and will hopefully get them tomorrow. I do have one close friend, and I'm hoping he can help me get my prescription renewed at the pharmacy because I only have pain meds for the next 4 days. I also have to start working remote on monday since I've taken quite a few days off of work now. My coworkers sent me flowers and I cried.

 

I'm not going to reach out to my ex. Part of me wonders, will he ever regret what he did and reach out? I really hope I won't hear from him because I have a lot of bad feelings right now. I still miss him and love him but I'm hurt and very upset that he'd do this at this time.

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Thank you all so much for your support, it means the world to me. I am going to focus on my PT exercises as soon as the pain from the surgery gets better. I am now 2 days post-surgery, I take opioids for pain management and the surgeon said the pain would lessen after about 3-7 days. So right now I'm just coping with the pain and opioid-induced nausea and not doing much. I ordered some groceries online and will hopefully get them tomorrow. I do have one close friend, and I'm hoping he can help me get my prescription renewed at the pharmacy because I only have pain meds for the next 4 days. I also have to start working remote on monday since I've taken quite a few days off of work now. My coworkers sent me flowers and I cried.

 

I'm not going to reach out to my ex. Part of me wonders, will he ever regret what he did and reach out? I really hope I won't hear from him because I have a lot of bad feelings right now. I still miss him and love him but I'm hurt and very upset that he'd do this at this time.

 

Just keep in mind that not everyone regrets in the same way or for the same reasons. His "regret" in the past was likely heavily focused on himself and how he felt being alone. Also, he may reach out, but it may not be indicative of regret at all, as he may just view coming in and out of your life as he pleases acceptable at this point.

 

Be very wary of reading anything into future attempts of contact from this guy. Strict NC where you stonewall him entirely and don't expose yourself to information about his life is really the way to go.

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Wish you a speedy recovery. Good you are focusing on PT, managing and other people who care. He may regret that he didn't reach out, but what does that tell you about him? The only thing worse than a fair weather friend is a fair weather partner.

My coworkers sent me flowers and I cried. I'm hurt and very upset that he'd do this at this time.
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Thank you so much. I highly doubt he will reach out at this point, but if he does, I will make sure to make myself unavailable. This is the third time he dumps me, he can't just come back whenever he finds it convenient and break up with me whenever difficulties appear. It's a very hard pill to swallow that someone I wanted to spend my life with would do that to me.

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I'm really miserable right now. I really really needed him, but he's not here anymore and it feels so lonely. Yesterday was my first day of no contact. This is extremely hard and I get the urge to contact him all the time, but I know it would make it way worse so I won't do it. It just sucks, all of it.

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My heart goes out to you, BB. I hope you'll indulge me for a moment when I say that every person I have known, including myself, who has been dealt multiple big blows at once, has come out the other side experiencing a metamorphosis that we wouldn't have traded for the world.

 

I can appreciate that this may be one of the most difficult times you've ever suffered. Consider trying your best to lean into it and embrace some comfort from the idea that this can become a life changing event that will teach you the power of your own resilience.

 

Once your eyes are opened to that, there is nothing that can stop you from creating the kind of future for yourself that you can't fathom at the moment.

 

Head high, and baby steps.

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@catfeeder:

Thank you so much. I'm a little bit happy today because I at least managed to fully shower and wash my hair all by myself! Although crutches got wet and they were a bit slippery so that was a bit scary.

 

I really hope I can get to the other side and walk properly again in a few months.

 

You're completely right when you say that when you get multiple hits and discover your own self reliance you become a stronger person. I can't help but get so down that it had to be like this, however. Hope I can get stronger in time.

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@catfeeder:

Thank you so much. I'm a little bit happy today because I at least managed to fully shower and wash my hair all by myself! Although crutches got wet and they were a bit slippery so that was a bit scary.

 

I really hope I can get to the other side and walk properly again in a few months.

 

You're completely right when you say that when you get multiple hits and discover your own self reliance you become a stronger person. I can't help but get so down that it had to be like this, however. Hope I can get stronger in time.

 

Oh, you already are--it just doesn't feel like it at the moment. Consider running some YouTube meditations for healing in the background when you read or want to sleep. Don't use the subliminal ones, use the ones like Dauchsy where you can hear the words.

 

Embrace visions of the bones and cartilage around your leg healing, of your whole body recharging with new and transformational energy, of your plans for exploring new interests and tapping into hidden talents. Contact your hospital for a referral to a social worker to help manage your care--there may be resources to which you are entitled beyond physical therapy. You may be able to have your prescriptions delivered, household items and groceries delivered, and some in-home visitation to ensure that your household and self care needs are met, such as temporary braces or a walker in your bathroom for stability and seating in your shower. You may want to wear a help button to press that summons help if needed.

 

As you've already noticed, every small step toward normalcy will help you to feel inspired as you make the climb toward your new life. Given your history of the ex breaking up with you repeatedly, losing him could turn out to be the best thing that has happened to you. Despite hurting from dis-illusion-ment, it sounds like you will be far better off being liberated from him--he was no prize. He certainly didn't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value. Doesn't that speak of his limitations rather than of any deficiency in you?

 

You deserve better, and you will find better--you just needed to move out of your own way. While this is an unfortunate way for that to have happened, your new life is just beginning. Start to 'see' it and enjoy it.

 

(((HUG)))

Cat

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Thank you, Cat. It will still take a while for me to get over the break-up, I have his words ruminating in my head, him saying it'd be easier for him to date someone else short term. I'm thinking, since I broke my leg, I became a bit more clingy and he pulled away, so I'm guessing he befriended a girl who sang to his tune and told him what he needed to hear. Then he dumped me because she got into his head. And I feel lost, I feel like I wasn't good enough, I wasn't wild or exciting enough, I was all too predictable. It's hard to maintain a sense of self worth but I'm doing all I can and hopefully when I don't have to take as much morphine for the pain which makes me feel sick and sleepy most of the day, things will very slowly start to go back to normal.

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I feel lost, I feel like I wasn't good enough, I wasn't wild or exciting enough, I was all too predictable. It's hard to maintain a sense of self worth but I'm doing all I can

 

You didn't lose him because you aren't good or exciting enough, he walked away because he is not capable of viewing you through the right lens. That speaks of his limitations rather than of any deficiency in you.

 

Let that sink in.

 

Now is the perfect time to grasp that NOBODY can find their perfect match by pretzeling themselves to try to be who they are not. That's hoop jumping, and if you ever find yourself believing that it's necessary to do that in order to keep someone's attention from straying, then HE is not YOUR match.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds. The right person for you will own the capacity to 'see' you through the right lens, and you'll enjoy a synergy that clicks, and you'll feel secure in that. It's rare, and it's supposed to be rare. If love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

 

With millions of people in the world, each with a different lens, the goal is to keep dating until you eventually find that click with someone who shares your vision--of yourself and the world. Without that simpatico, you can tap-dance all you want, but it's unnecessary and it will NOT transform a bad match into a good one.

 

Dating and even loving a bad match isn't against the law, it just does something to your head. Have you noticed? The goal is not to shape-shift into becoming someone 'right' for anyone who is wrong for YOU. The goal is to ground yourself into trust and ownership of Who You Are. That's not about what you do or say or look like, it's your intrinsic value in Being. Once you can appreciate your own unique value, you won't feel a need to blow like a candle in the wind to 'appeal' to anyone else. The RIGHT person will recognize you, and you will thank yourself for holding out for him.

 

Head high, and decide whether you are going to use this valuable healing time to drill yourself downward or to build yourself UP.

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It will still take a while for me to get over the break-up, I have his words ruminating in my head, him saying it'd be easier for him to date someone else short term. I'm thinking, since I broke my leg, I became a bit more clingy and he pulled away, so I'm guessing he befriended a girl who sang to his tune and told him what he needed to hear. Then he dumped me because she got into his head. And I feel lost, I feel like I wasn't good enough, I wasn't wild or exciting enough, I was all too predictable.

 

It's normal to question ourselves this way after a break-up, even if we know we shouldn't be beating ourselves up. It's hard not to take a hit to the self-esteem in these situations.

 

But I would question this: was he really that good of a partner for you? You mentioned this was not the first break-up. Why did he call it off before? It sounds as though you could do with someone who is much more consistent and reliable.

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OP... This guy will come back eventually. Question is, do you accept him back to break up with you for a 4th time? Its quite obvious you have something he likes. The sex or your look or whatever but you have something he physically cant stay away from. So he probably thought 6 weeks of caring for her is just too long. So he used this as a way out.

Guys like him don't go away forever. Once you are healed and back to working out and getting strong again and confident and happy, he is going to come back into your life.

So please don't cry for him. He is not someone you need in your life. There is someone out there who will be thrilled to meet you and then be amazed on the story on how you broke your leg and got back to yourself without anyones help. You are strong and you can do this.

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@cat, you are right, I have a tendency to beat myself up in these moments. But I'm getting better at not thinking that way every day.

@MissCanuck, my ex boyfriend had a very bad life insofar that he graduated 5 years ago with a degree in arts and has been unemployed since, lives with his mother and sister, doesn't get along with them, is stressed and can't seem to do anything to improve his condition, not even apply for jobs. Every couple of months he would doubt our relationship and say he doesn't see himself with me long term, and other reasons it felt he was simply digging up, because he has this idea in his head that if he's single, he can finally focus on making his life better. I don't know if he subconsciously has a problem with me because I do have my life together, I have a master's in finance, a great job in a bank where all of my colleagues love me, just got promoted months ago, have a nice big flat, every time we'd go out I'd pay etc, and I'm one year younger than him, so that must feel a bit weird and emasculating for him. I always told him, if you take little steps to improve day by day you'll be in a better place, I believe in you etc, always wanted to be by his side once he achieved small steps, but he just wouldn't. This time around he ran away because really, I wanted more emotional connection with my accident, and he couldn't give me that.

@No1, you're so kind, your post made me cry. I don't know why he keeps coming back, but I hope he doesn't this time, Would save me a lot of trouble.

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I miss him so much today, but I'm also so extremely hurt and don't want to hear from him. I wonder if he's already found someone else. I wish he'd at least apologized for what he did. I think I'll always hold a grudge.

 

What makes you think he found someone else? No offense, but from the way you describe him he's not exactly a "catch" who would have the women lining up to date him.

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