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Thread: My Girlfriend is still in love with her "ex", but she didnt even know it

  1. #1
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    My Girlfriend is still in love with her "ex", but she didnt even know it

    I'm 21, and my Gf/ex is 22

    Important Backstory

    From like 2015-2018 my girlfriend/ex was interested in this guy, we will call him J. J had a baby momma who lived about an hour away, who he had no romantic feelings for but was taking care of his kid with her, and also had feelings for my current girlfriend/ex, we will call her K. My girlfriend/ex was very much in love with this guy and wanted a relationship with him, but J didn't want a relationship with her but wanted to be exclusively together with her. So for about 3 years she is very much in love with him, and he has feelings for her, but they don't really date because he doesn't want to, so they just hangout a lot and go out and .



    Come July 2018, J wants to try and make things right with his baby momma so he stops hanging out with K and cuts her off completely.



    I met K in August of 2018 when i started working where she worked. She lives with 2 girls who also work there and after about a month of working there i started going over to their house after work and smoking/listening to music and just all in all hanging out. I have an apartment now, but at the time i was living with my brother so come October/November I was just staying the night at their house and sleeping on their couch a few nights a week.



    Come the very end of November, K has a guy stay the night (Probably only the 2nd or 3rd guy i saw her have a one night stand with in the 3 months i knew her) and she kind of kicks him out around 2 in the morning and she is crying in her room.

    I knocked on her door and we ended up smoking and talking about her night and what he did to make her cry (just being an to her in general) and we ended up cuddling to sleep. That was the first time we had ever spent time alone together. The next night we hungout kind of by ourselves in her room and we had sex, and from then on our relationship slowly bloomed and we became closer and closer and closer.



    At the end of December i asked her to be my girlfriend and everything with us was great and exactly like a brand new relationship feels.



    Now, we have talked about our ex's before and this is how i know how she felt about him and what was going on. She told me that he was still someone who meant a lot to her and i understood that, being with someone for so long can do that to you. I always thought it was a little extra weird that his name in her phone was "JareBear" but i never mentioned it to her just because i felt like that really wasnt my business. And we had a great relationship, trust was never an issue.

    Come the beginning of May, our relationship is going beautifully. We had gone on vacation with her family together, we were going on dates, i was buying her flowers all the time, things were just incredible. Of course we had our fights and what not but we loved each other. Like crazy.



    One night she went to hangout with her friends and J was also there. This is the first time they had seen each other since he cut it off. I told her that i didn't like him because i know he's a dog and doesn't truly care about her feelings, but i dont care if she hangs out with him because i trust her. She insisted i have nothing to worry about because they are just friends.



    The very next day she goes to the same place to hangout with the same people and he is there again. This time she stops texting me, doesn't text me until 3 in the morning, and something is clearly wrong. In the morning she doesnt text me at all and tells me that we need to talk.



    She comes over to my apartment and tells me how last night when they were hanging out, J asked to go talk to her outside and he basically proclaimed that wants to move back here and is completely in love with her and only wants to be with her and all that jazz.



    Now i trust K with absolutely everything in me. She tells me that she never really lost her feelings for him, but when i came into her life i basically just blinded her feelings for him. She even said that the guy i mentioned before that she kicked out of her room, that basically started our relationship, was one of J's friends and she was ing him just to make J jealous. And after J saying all this to her, she says apparently it made all those feelings for him come back.



    This happened around May 3rd, she asked that i just give her space so she can figure her life out and her feelings out. We hardly ever text, speak very little at work, and whenever we do text its usually me just checking on her to make sure she is okay.

    I don't want people thinking she is just a who doesn't care about me and its obvious i should leave her. She is absolutely wrecked over this, and when i put myself in her shoes i honestly can understand it a little bit, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make me mad. She is constantly depressed over this, and our co-workers are calling her some very foul names. It's obviously messing with her mentally and it kills me. All i want is to show her that we are meant to be together and give her everything i can and just try to make her happy. But she tells me its not that easy and that she cant be with me when she is in love with someone else, obviously because it is unfair to me.



    Shes told me that J doesn't really care anymore once he realized how much she still cares about me, he was probably just expecting her to leave me on the spot for him. I know he doesn't honestly care about how she truly feels and it pisses me off that our relationship is being ruined because she cares about someone who doesn't give a about her. And i have told her that.

    I am not trying to put my self on a pedestal at all, but I am a good boyfriend. As one of our co-workers who is also a mother, and one of K's good friends told her, "there are girls who cry alone in their room at night for a guy like (me)". All i want is to give her the world but some douchebag guy who she has feelings for is preventing it.



    Neither of us has deleted our pictures together on IG/Facebook and it's been two months. I truly believe she does want to be with me but it just keeps getting harder and harder to believe it and her the longer this goes on. I haven't been with anyone sexually and she told me she hasn't and i trust her. Do i keep giving her space? Do i just leave her life completely? Do i try my hardest to get her back? I'm constantly depressed all the time over this situation because this woman is the girl i want to be with. I would marry her tomorrow if we could, she is everything to me. But the depression and loneliness is honestly becoming so overbearing its taking over.



    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You're probably not going to like what I have to say, but know I'm on your side.

    Buddy? K is a hot mess. She's other things, too, I know. And some of those are things you like, appreciate, and right now miss about her. But she is a mess: was a mess before you met her, a mess when you met her, a mess when you hooked up with her, a mess when you dated her, a mess right now.

    You're a smart guy, with a good heart. You know she's a mess, and you knew it that first night when she was crying about a one night stand. You know someone who has spent three years tangled up in a vague thing with a dude who has a kid is not going to get over that in 30 days, or in 90. You caught her in the hot zone, became part of the hot zone, and got burned.

    Late summer/early fall of last year she was trying to F the pain away. No judgement—I've been her. But, well, that's where she was when you met her—that was her agenda. You were different, it's true. A good dude who she really liked. Still, she wasn't ready for that. She just wasn't. Had she been ready she'd had seen J while you guys were all hanging and it would have been a shrug—the teeniest of pangs at most. Well, it wasn't that.

    She's sprung on him, twisted up, messed up by the whole thing. That's a mess she's got to get out of on her own, or not—nothing a guy, even a great guy, can help her out of. Doesn't work that way, sadly, and somewhere along the line that's hopefully the lesson both of you take away from this chapter: that trying to F the pain away, or love the pain away, or being the love that makes it all better, is just a recipe for more pain.

    I'm not sure you're ready for that lesson yet, and that's cool. But in the hopes these words land at some point, if not quite yet, do know this: something is up with you to want to be her savior, her white knight, to get off on that story—and whatever it is it's something to be reigned in. Otherwise you become someone people call a mess, not incorrectly.

    Simply put: she's not into you as much as she is into J. That's that, and that right there is something to move away from, not toward, and not something to hold onto.

    So, what to do? You let this go and you do you, whatever that looks like. Have fun, date around, enjoy life, grow. Trust that if there's another chapter for you guys—a healthier one—it's going to happen. Not because you sat there celibate and waiting, and not because you play nurse to her right now while remaining orbit—because you've already played nurse to her, that was your relationship, and what did it get you?

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    You're probably not going to like what I have to say, but know I'm on your side.

    Buddy? K is a hot mess. She's other things, too, I know. And some of those are things you like, appreciate, and right now miss about her. But she is a mess: was a mess before you met her, a mess when you met her, a mess when you hooked up with her, a mess when you dated her, a mess right now.

    You're a smart guy, with a good heart. You know she's a mess, and you knew it that first night when she was crying about a one night stand. You know someone who has spent three years tangled up in a vague thing with a dude who has a kid is not going to get over that in 30 days, or in 90. You caught her in the hot zone, became part of the hot zone, and got burned.

    Late summer/early fall of last year she was trying to F the pain away. No judgement—I've been her. But, well, that's where she was when you met her—that was her agenda. You were different, it's true. A good dude who she really liked. Still, she wasn't ready for that. She just wasn't. Had she been ready she'd had seen J while you guys were all hanging and it would have been a shrug—the teeniest of pangs at most. Well, it wasn't that.

    She's sprung on him, twisted up, messed up by the whole thing. That's a mess she's got to get out of on her own, or not—nothing a guy, even a great guy, can help her out of. Doesn't work that way, sadly, and somewhere along the line that's hopefully the lesson both of you take away from this chapter: that trying to F the pain away, or love the pain away, or being the love that makes it all better, is just a recipe for more pain.

    I'm not sure you're ready for that lesson yet, and that's cool. But in the hopes these words land at some point, if not quite yet, do know this: something is up with you to want to be her savior, her white knight, to get off on that story—and whatever it is it's something to be reigned in. Otherwise you become someone people call a mess, not incorrectly.

    Simply put: she's not into you as much as she is into J. That's that, and that right there is something to move away from, not toward, and not something to hold onto.

    So, what to do? You let this go and you do you, whatever that looks like. Have fun, date around, enjoy life, grow. Trust that if there's another chapter for you guys—a healthier one—it's going to happen. Not because you sat there celibate and waiting, and not because you play nurse to her right now while remaining orbit—because you've already played nurse to her, that was your relationship, and what did it get you?
    Thank you kindly for reading and for the lengthy reply. I definitely agree with you that loving the pain away or trying to shove the pain away is only going to make it worse. And if im being honest with myself, trying to move on and just live my life is exactly what i should do. But that would just be throwing away the thought of a future with her and its all i dream of. You're completely right and it's a mistake im going to have to learn. But as i see it, it's just a risk i have to take to be with someone who means everything to me.

  4. #4
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    She does not want to be with you, man. Girls who want to be with you don't essentially cut you out and tell you they have feelings for someone else.

    She feels bad for hurting you, but her heart isn't with you. It's with him, however much of a tool he might be. She can't help the way she feels about him just as you can't help the way you feel about her. There's very little you can do about that. Take the risk and stick around if you want, but you're very likely going to wind up even more hurt than you are now. The fact she means everything to you isn't really going to change anything if she doesn't feel the same way.

    I agree with bluecastle, too. This girl is a bit of a trainwreck, though I suspect a lot of it is down to immaturity. You were a nice distraction for her, and a comfort, but she at least had an enough insight now to realize she doesn't actually have deep feelings for you. Not the way she does for J, anyway. Space isn't going to solve that. She is too emotionally mixed-up and attached to this J guy to date anyone else, and I think you are going to find out sooner or later that she is with him now.

    Sorry, OP. I know it's tough and hard to hear but she isn't the one you're going to wind up with.

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    She does not want to be with you, man. Girls who want to be with you don't essentially cut you out and tell you they have feelings for someone else.

    She feels bad for hurting you, but her heart isn't with you. It's with him, however much of a tool he might be. She can't help the way she feels about him just as you can't help the way you feel about her. There's very little you can do about that. Take the risk and stick around if you want, but you're very likely going to wind up even more hurt than you are now. The fact she means everything to you isn't really going to change anything if she doesn't feel the same way.

    I agree with bluecastle, too. This girl is a bit of a trainwreck, though I suspect a lot of it is down to immaturity. You were a nice distraction for her, and a comfort, but she at least had an enough insight now to realize she doesn't actually have deep feelings for you. Not the way she does for J, anyway. Space isn't going to solve that. She is too emotionally mixed-up and attached to this J guy to date anyone else, and I think you are going to find out sooner or later that she is with him now.

    Sorry, OP. I know it's tough and hard to hear but she isn't the one you're going to wind up with.
    Thanks for reading and replying, it really does mean a lot to me.

    At this moment I feel like I need to stay in this for as long as she does. She truly isn't messing around with anyone else, trying anything with anyone else, or anything of the matter. And i mentally can't wrap my head around being with anybody else. All of me wants to be with her no matter the situation, but you guys definitely have given me a very good perspective that I am definitely taking into account.

    But for me to see how ed up she is over this, to see how truly blind sided she was, I feel like I can't just ditch it. She's trying so hard to understand how she feels and find herself that it honestly hurts me to see just how ed up mentally she is. And all i want to do is mend it for her. I'm a lover at heart and I always have been, It's always been my greatest strength, and it's always ended up hurting me the most.

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    Originally Posted by Levi1337
    At this moment I feel like I need to stay in this for as long as she does. She truly isn't messing around with anyone else, trying anything with anyone else, or anything of the matter. And i mentally can't wrap my head around being with anybody else. All of me wants to be with her no matter the situation, but you guys definitely have given me a very good perspective that I am definitely taking into account
    I'm sorry, but I don't believe that for a moment.

    She might not have slept with J, but I think you are being naive if you honestly believe they are not talking to each other or getting closer. Nobody takes "space" from their boyfriend for 2 months to just be alone when a guy like J shows back up.

    My prediction is that when she is sure he wants to date her in a serious capacity, she will have that final break-up talk with you. Brace yourself. man. And even if she doesn't go to be with him, the biggest underlying problem is that she just isn't that into you. Not in the way one needs to be, to sustain a true relationship.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You got involved with a woman on the rebound. Soon after a breakup, people often go through a rebound period where they are not ready to love another. You are the rebound guy. The rebound guy sometimes gets dumped out of the blue.

    I'm sorry about this, but she did not really love you and probably never will. Find a new girlfriend.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Levi1337
    But for me to see how ed up she is over this, to see how truly blind sided she was, I feel like I can't just ditch it. She's trying so hard to understand how she feels and find herself that it honestly hurts me to see just how ed up mentally she is. And all i want to do is mend it for her. I'm a lover at heart and I always have been, It's always been my greatest strength, and it's always ended up hurting me the most.
    I think you are the one who was blindsided, more than her, but making this about her and her fragility is easier. But brass tacks: you thought you were in an amazing relationship, with someone who was all in and had let go of the past. Then she sees him for a few minutes and—boom—she's right back to where she was the day you met her. Which means she was never actually that far from that spot the whole time, hard as that is to accept.

    Hard to zoom out, I know, but look at it like this: you guys didn't work because she failed to fully process and let go of a connection that never quite worked. They were kind of together, kind of not, and she spent years hoping it would all become real real. He bounced. He bounced back. He kind of bounced again. Not cool, and not good for her: it's worn her down, led her to lose herself, turned her into a ball bouncing around.

    I totally get the urge to stay in it—even when "it" isn't really a thing anymore—and you'll do that for as long as you need to. But do take a moment to acknowledge that you're essentially walking down the path she walked down before meeting you, the same path that made genuine connection, with anyone, next to impossible. Her connection with him is not genuine. Her connection with you is not genuine. It's all corroded by drama, by unreciprocated feelings that trigger more feelings and an even deeper need to have them reciprocated by someone incapable of doing so.

    Another thing? It is clear that, one of the things you're attracted to in her, is her damage—and the idea that you can fix it. Chalking that up to being a "lover at heart" is a nice story, but it's a bit more complicated than that. The trouble with wanting to be the thing that mends the wings of the broken bird? Once they're mended, even falsely, they will want to fly away because no one wants to feel like a "patient" in a romance for very long. So waiting around in the form of a nurse is likely to set you up for another fall, even if she does come around.

    This is why, in your shoes, I'd acknowledge the feelings you have—but also the fact that you want her as the strong, put-together woman you can see her becoming. Let her get there on her own, let her fix herself, so she can come to you as a whole, not a jumble of broken pieces that you're helping her glue together in a way that doesn't hold true. That's being a real lover—of another, of yourself, of reality. Focus on yourself, on doing whatever it is you need to do to feel strong, full, whole. That way, if you're meant to be, you connect on a higher plane—citizens of the world, not injured soldiers in the trenches.

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    So - forgive me - how I understand it is you used the apartment of the three ladies you worked with as a crash pad to smoke and listen to music. You were not initially interested in K, nor she you. But one night you comfort her and have sex and it goes from there. You were the guy that was "there" and you fully leaned into that role and its possible you could have ended up with any of the three, being the dude on the couch.

    Yes, she is a mess, but you have crappy boundaries, dude. Also, there was no shame in living with your brother. I would have owned that and had some dignity.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I think you are the one who was blindsided, more than her, but making this about her and her fragility is easier. But brass tacks: you thought you were in an amazing relationship, with someone who was all in and had let go of the past. Then she sees him for a few minutes and—boom—she's right back to where she was the day you met her. Which means she was never actually that far from that spot the whole time, hard as that is to accept.

    Hard to zoom out, I know, but look at it like this: you guys didn't work because she failed to fully process and let go of a connection that never quite worked. They were kind of together, kind of not, and she spent years hoping it would all become real real. He bounced. He bounced back. He kind of bounced again. Not cool, and not good for her: it's worn her down, led her to lose herself, turned her into a ball bouncing around.

    I totally get the urge to stay in it—even when "it" isn't really a thing anymore—and you'll do that for as long as you need to. But do take a moment to acknowledge that you're essentially walking down the path she walked down before meeting you, the same path that made genuine connection, with anyone, next to impossible. Her connection with him is not genuine. Her connection with you is not genuine. It's all corroded by drama, by unreciprocated feelings that trigger more feelings and an even deeper need to have them reciprocated by someone incapable of doing so.

    Another thing? It is clear that, one of the things you're attracted to in her, is her damage—and the idea that you can fix it. Chalking that up to being a "lover at heart" is a nice story, but it's a bit more complicated than that. The trouble with wanting to be the thing that mends the wings of the broken bird? Once they're mended, even falsely, they will want to fly away because no one wants to feel like a "patient" in a romance for very long. So waiting around in the form of a nurse is likely to set you up for another fall, even if she does come around.

    This is why, in your shoes, I'd acknowledge the feelings you have—but also the fact that you want her as the strong, put-together woman you can see her becoming. Let her get there on her own, let her fix herself, so she can come to you as a whole, not a jumble of broken pieces that you're helping her glue together in a way that doesn't hold true. That's being a real lover—of another, of yourself, of reality. Focus on yourself, on doing whatever it is you need to do to feel strong, full, whole. That way, if you're meant to be, you connect on a higher plane—citizens of the world, not injured soldiers in the trenches.

    This really hit me because this is the truth I needed to hear.

    But first, I’m not attracted to her damage in anyway, I just feel like she deserves the best and I can give it to her. I believe what else you said is true. The more and more I read and think of it you are right, I’m not in the exact same situation as she was, but it’s damn near the same thing. I agree I need to get out of it and try to better myself than to sit in my lonesome hoping she comes back.

    It’s hard to put thoughts into words right now but thank you, really, for the response. It means a lot when I feel like Ive been going through this alone.

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