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Thread: My Girlfriend is still in love with her "ex", but she didnt even know it

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you, friend.

    It's tough, I know. You're far from alone. Been there. Truth be told—I'm just shy of twice your age, for reference—I've worn a version of the shoes everyone in this equation is wearing. Not sure that makes me wise, but with enough distance experiences do get processed as something like a lesson.

    Of course she deserves the best. You know who else does? You. She's not capable of giving you that right now. She just...is not. That's not a verdict on you, not one bit. Try to remember that. Much as I know you want to pour all your compassion into her, with the hopes of making the fantasy a reality, these are the times when reality, even one that stinks a bit, demands the greatest compassion.

    Don't get twisted into a knot that you'll be untangling when you're 25. There's no button to press to make feelings go away, but we do have the choice in how we react to them. Just let them be—with distance. She needs to sort herself out. Odd as it sounds, you stepping away as she does that is a tremendous show of respect and compassion—for both of you.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I hear you, friend.

    It's tough, I know. You're far from alone. Been there. Truth be told—I'm just shy of twice your age, for reference—I've worn a version of the shoes everyone in this equation is wearing. Not sure that makes me wise, but with enough distance experiences do get processed as something like a lesson.

    Of course she deserves the best. You know who else does? You. She's not capable of giving you that right now. She just...is not. That's not a verdict on you, not one bit. Try to remember that. Much as I know you want to pour all your compassion into her, with the hopes of making the fantasy a reality, these are the times when reality, even one that stinks a bit, demands the greatest compassion.

    Don't get twisted into a knot that you'll be untangling when you're 25. There's no button to press to make feelings go away, but we do have the choice in how we react to them. Just let them be—with distance. She needs to sort herself out. Odd as it sounds, you stepping away as she does that is a tremendous show of respect and compassion—for both of you.
    This is a strong way to word it that really helps. This is as true as it gets and honestly where I am at this point.

    A mentor of mine told me something in high school that has always stuck with me, basically that there has never been a girl that you've been with, that you haven't gotten over.

    As basic and complex of a statement it is, and as harsh as it is, it makes this just a little better because I know it is true because, well it is.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The problem with swooping into a crying girl's bed to play the emotional red cross is that you've set yourself up as a distraction--the rebound guy.

    As much as any rebound guy can pride himself on being the greatest BF on the planet, all the attention and flowers and teddy bears won't buy you a different outcome: you'll either get the speech about how terrific you are, but I really should have taken the time to heal and be single and 'find myself,' which is what I must go and do now, OR, you get the same speech about how terrific you are, but I never got over my ex and need to go explore that now.

    It's textbook, look it up. The only 'real' platform for a healthy relationship that can actually last is equality. That starts off with two healthy people who are on equal ground--not one who's pretzeling to play the cheer-up jester to nurse the wounds of the one who's healing. That's deceptively appealing, until healing occurs and you get the boot, or worse, healing never occurs and the wound gets reopened by the same jerk who caused it.

    We all know what happens to a bandage after a wound is healed. That's why you'll never want to position yourself as someone's band-aid again.

    Head high, we all live and learn.

  4. #14
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    This girl is straight telling you in your face that she likes another guy. If that still doesn't make you go away, you might have deeper issues than you might realise.

    She was basically banging her ex's friend to make him jealous when you came into the picture. That should be a major red flag, but you ignored it. While it's normal for a guy to jump in and have sex in such a situation, you just have to acknowledge your role in this. Just filling a gap left by another guy. The sooner you realise you mean basically nothing to her and was just a rebound, the sooner you'll move on.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    The problem with swooping into a crying girl's bed to play the emotional red cross is that you've set yourself up as a distraction--the rebound guy.

    As much as any rebound guy can pride himself on being the greatest BF on the planet, all the attention and flowers and teddy bears won't buy you a different outcome: you'll either get the speech about how terrific you are, but I really should have taken the time to heal and be single and 'find myself,' which is what I must go and do now, OR, you get the same speech about how terrific you are, but I never got over my ex and need to go explore that now.

    It's textbook, look it up. The only 'real' platform for a healthy relationship that can actually last is equality. That starts off with two healthy people who are on equal ground--not one who's pretzeling to play the cheer-up jester to nurse the wounds of the one who's healing. That's deceptively appealing, until healing occurs and you get the boot, or worse, healing never occurs and the wound gets reopened by the same jerk who caused it.

    We all know what happens to a bandage after a wound is healed. That's why you'll never want to position yourself as someone's band-aid again.

    Head high, we all live and learn.
    This is painfully honest. Thank you for your input. since posting this on here and reddit I've been taking all comments very seriously and they have definitely helped and motivated me to move on. I've been trying to mentally get over it and physically, and slowly but surely feelings are running away. I've come to realize how true the things you guys say are whether or not I want them to be true. The biggest being she definitely loves him more than me. And for me to just stick around through that would be terrible. I'm taking this from here on out the way I need to handle it, but I am very thankful for what you guys have said.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Morello
    This girl is straight telling you in your face that she likes another guy. If that still doesn't make you go away, you might have deeper issues than you might realise.

    She was basically banging her ex's friend to make him jealous when you came into the picture. That should be a major red flag, but you ignored it. While it's normal for a guy to jump in and have sex in such a situation, you just have to acknowledge your role in this. Just filling a gap left by another guy. The sooner you realise you mean basically nothing to her and was just a rebound, the sooner you'll move on.
    Truth. And you're not the first guy to be going through what you are because you thought she'd see you as knight in white shining armor and that she'd know in a heartbeat that "you're different from the other guys" or whoever is in her orbit. You were a rebound (as many of us have been), chose to ignore signs that showed how she was operating (done that too), which led to where you are now.

    So she has voted to be with someone else and is telling this to you through her actions. Having been there, it is very tough to accept and you're scheming about how she'll come to her senses and reach out once you do X,Y,Z or whatever. This. Will. NOT. Work.....

    At this point you can't think like this.

    What you can do (when you're ready) is to choose to use the power of time and distance to give yourself the bandwidth in your mind, heart and life to set yourself up for a woman that is going to be everything that girl isn't and never will be. This is your choice and only you can do it. It takes a lot of strength and humility to accept the situation for what it is and was, your role in it and that it cannot be whatever you fantasized that would end up as.

    (I respectfully disagree with the notion that the time away from her will allow her to sort herself out. It doesn't matter. She's no longer part of the equation. You no longer care if she ever sorts herself out, handles her demons, whatever)

    It also takes a lot of strength to use that time and distance to collect yourself, read about relationships, choose new avenues of self improvement (gym, school, take up a new hobby, etc.), change old habits and to develop yourself into a man that has a higher value in the future in terms of the sexual market place by which you can attract a woman of higher value than the one that you are leaving behind.

    Good luck with this. It's painful and sucks when you're going through it, but once you do and you learn from it (if you don't, well that's your problem), this will be something that may still bother you somewhere in the back of your mind but you'll know that it won't happen ever again or you'll walk away before going too far down the rabbit hole.

  8. #17
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    Note for the future: Coach surfing at the home of a couple of young women lying in wait to see which one's going to have sympathy/grief/rebound sex with you is not a good schtick. Glad you moved out.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Note for the future: Coach surfing at the home of a couple of young women lying in wait to see which one's going to have sympathy/grief/rebound sex with you is not a good schtick. Glad you moved out.
    Never moved in, was never looking for sex

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's ok to gain some experience dating and in relationships. Some just don't work out for any number of reasons. Learn to let go. There are plenty of other girls you can date.

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