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Thread: I think my mother is controlling but I don't know what to do (wedding related)

  1. #11
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    "Dont lump everyone together!"

    This is exactly what I was trying NOT to do! Different cultures have different tendencies!
    Exactly. And nobody said anything about race. If you think Italian and Jewish mothers don't have unique mothering traits, you've never lived in the North.

    No need to be a social justice warrior here. I haven't seen any examples of people here being intolerant of other people's ethnic or racial origins.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I just want to say a huge congratulations to you!!
    I remember ya. I'm glad you found someone you are excited to spend the rest of your life with.

  3. #13
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Mod Note: Please avoid arguing with the opinion of other members.

  4. 07-03-2019, 07:18 PM

  5. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    DeeJMonster: Your mother isn't in control so she is having hard time being decent with you and the choices you've made for your wedding. You need to have firm boundaries with her that you won't let her cross. A simple "Mom, I love you but we have decided that this is what we want to do" and then change the subject. I also have an inkling that you have been letting her cross your personal boundaries for a long time (forever?) and now that you're not letting her control, she's finding it hard to adjust.

    Don't give in, keep strong and refrain from telling her anymore details regarding your plans if you can.

    Have a wonderful day, don't let her get to you.

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  7. #15
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    I think the rant about the location and beard is because mom thinks that the fiancee is trying to change you. I do recall your threads about meeting your fiance or being single and it wasn't that long ago. Does she feel you rushed into this?

    The bridal shower is next weekend and she is adamant that my future mother in law not pick her up at the hotel and that I drive her over instead.... and I am also supposed to drive my fiance to the venue as well. When questioning her more about it, I told her that my mother in law said it would be nice for my mother and her to set up and my mother's response was a flat out ... no because "I don't know those people" (They have all met before).

    Honestly, i AGREE with her here, she should not be forced to spend time with your future mother in law like that - it should be on her terms and in her time. If she is traveling from afar to come to the shower, she should be picked up by you or if you have a sister. The mother in law to be is the last person who should pick her up. Honestly, in my family, the mother and the bride or sister of the bride would want to drive with the bride to be as one of the last times they will be doing that before she is a misses. Let your fiancee go with her mom, or you and your fiancee pick up YOUR mom. She has come from out of town to attend this and should be given deference in this case, as she is coming from out of town. Don't make her feel like a second class guest. Before your wedding, this is the last time mom will be the #1 in your life - and then it becomes your bride's role. So treat her with a little more respect than having your fiancee's mom pick her up. Act like you give a darn that she is there.

  8. #16
    Member Richard11's Avatar
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    I guess you should talk with your mom and exalain her that you are an adult person and you can make decisions by yourselve.

  9. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Your mother can't argue with you if you won't play.

    You've set up a dynamic where Mom's approval is the currency in a power struggle. You set her up by consulting her, and she's smart enough to recognize that when she avoids spending her currency by giving it to you, she wins. You reward her with more attention by arguing with her, trying even harder for the 'win,' and she's not going to budge, so you keep losing even more.

    Whenever you avoid setting Mom up for this game, she can set you up instead. She'll just poke her nose into any aspect of your life that you seem to be enjoying, and she'll pop a hole in it just to get you started. And you take the bait every time.

    She's not controlling you, you're forking over your control to her. She thrives on playing the role of your adversary, and you fall for it and play along, forever seeking a different outcome.

    Skip that. What do you think would happen if you allowed Mom's comments to drop like one hand clapping? Stop consulting her, stop arguing with her, roll out your plans, and allow Mom to learn of them on a need-to-know basis. When you adopt the discretion that comes with maturity, you'll enjOy the liberation of adulthood that discards the old role of a needy child.

    Head high, stop catering, and you will thank yourself very soon.

  10. #18
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    I do love the use of "catering" in Catfeeder's comment because you let her control the catering aspects of the rehearsal dinner, among others and now, yes, also are catering to her.
    I agree with Catfeeder and understand you made your bed in a way. In the way Catfeeder suggested and in many instances when someone chooses to celebrate a wedding with a variety of parties and events there are bound to be stresses/clashes/conflict. It is one reason that, having planned a wedding that did not happen (not because of planning issues) I knew I was not interested in any kind of large party to celebrate our marriage let alone a rehearsal dinner/bachelorette party/shower, etc.

    So if you want to keep all these plans this type of stuff often comes with the territory. I would thank your parents for offering to do the rehearsal dinner and tell them that you and your fiancee decided not to have one after all. You don't have to have one. I've been to a few and also been in weddings where there was no rehearsal dinner. Your guests will find a place to grab dinner before the wedding.
    And I agree to approach your mom as Catfeeder suggested if you decide to go forward with the reception and events to celebrate your wedding vows. Congratulations! I loved my wedding and hope yours is a blast and special and all of that good stuff.

  11. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Deejmonster
    All seemed well until we left and my mother didn't talk to me for a few days afterward. I ended up calling and she was upset about my beard (She doesn't like it and I was trying something new) she said my hair was long as well. I had explained to her that this wasn't really all that worth getting upset over and that I had gotten a haircut and a shave but it blew up into a massive temper tantrum and she refused to return my calls for nearly 3-4 weeks. I finally got her to start talking, however she continued to be very short with me. Fast forward some months and there are still times where she is disinterested with me, what is going on in my life, and generally finds ways to cut the call short. Other times she is perfectly normal. I have tried to ask what is going on but she refuses to explain herself.
    I feel your pain. My mom is similar. Everybody is expected to be a mind reader.

    The whole silent-treatment thing reminds me of when I moved into my first apartment: My mom didn't speak to me for days afterwards, apparently because I wasn't interested in her opinion of my kitchen table! Of course, I don't really know for sure because she never really explains herself--I should somehow just know why she is angry.

    It's a lot to deal with when your parent is so childish and inconsistent.

    Could it be that your mom's behavior is triggered by the anxiety she feels about your wedding? I'm not saying that she feels negatively about it, just that general anxiety could be triggering her. My mom is a very social person and loves spending time with her family and friends. But she's always been triggered by special occasions and holidays. She acted like a lunatic. As a kid, I avoided having birthday parties because I just didn't want to deal with her sh*t.

    How does your dad react to all of this? A lot of times people like my mom and your mom are "protected" by codependents. For example, I can't really talk to my mom in front of my sister because my sister tries to censor me. It makes everything worse, of course.

    Are you familiar with borderline personality disorder? You may find this video interesting. I did:


  12. #20
    Platinum Member Deejmonster's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your advice. I will admit that in the past that I have been a bit of a mamma's boy but in the past several years I have attempted to make myself as independent as possible. I used to call her everyday until I saw that it because a bit much in terms of what was really being perceived. At this point, I want to be respected as an adult. I am capable of making my own decisions and have often times tried to include her in my decisions because I think internally, I wanted to seek her approval but at the same time, hear a different perspective. It has gotten to the point where everything I do is not correct unless it is "her" way and have definitely taken a step back from consulting with her on my plans. I do think that she is very controlling and manipulative in a lot of what she says and I don't want that in my life. I have tried taking back the reigns from her with no success. Any time that I stick up for myself or respectfully disagree I am met with an argument about how I am being disrespectful towards her (as if having an opinion is disrespectful). She has her own plans in life, she wants me to move to be closer but that is not feasibly possible. I like the distance because I fear what it would be like if I was closer and under her control. She won't say it, but she resents me for it but I feel no guilt in doing what I have to do to live a healthy life. She is not happy that is not getting what she wants so she tries to control what she can. There have been many instances where my parents have been scheduled to come out to see us and they have cancelled at the last minute each time. She has even stated that we will always have to travel to them because she is not willing to drive to us. This is her way of controlling what she has control over. Up until this past weekend, my father has been a co-signer on my bank accounts and she has actively monitored my bank accounts even though she will say that this is not true. I owed my dad about $20k for college which I would transfer to him through my bank accounts. I finally paid him off and cancelled those accounts so she can no longer monitor what I am doing. It is all manipulative and controlling. To answer another question, my father and brother always side with her. I can't talk to them about it. She rules the family like a matriarchy.

    On Saturday, I called her in regards to the bridal shower next weekend. I was supposed to pick her up on Saturday and bring her out to NJ. She told me that her knee was bothering her and that she will no longer be coming. I predicted that this would happen but I still can't believe that she is actually doing this. My fiance and I are very upset with her. She has done this so many times in the past that it is truly hard for me to believe her anymore. I am also predicting that she will talk my brother into cancelling my bachelor party in a few months because she has control over him too (and he is older than I am). It is all because she wants me to move our entire lives closer to her so that she can be closer. She doesn't understand the financial impacts that we will take because of it and I do not want to live closer. I am happy where I am at now. Since she can no longer hold anything else over me, she holds our own family over my head. Since I won't move closer and do what she thinks is best, she will slowly cut ties with me in the hopes that I will eventually cave into what she wants for our family. All I want is to get out, but I am trying to do everything in my power to not cut them out completely because she will make it look like I was the bad guy the entire time. She did the same thing to her own family when she got married. I don't even know who my own uncles/aunts/and grandparents are because she broke ties with them. It is history repeating itself all over again, only with me.

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