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I think my mother is controlling but I don't know what to do (wedding related)


Deejmonster

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Hi everyone,

 

Long time no see.. but I wanted to check in and talk about a recent issue that I have been having, unfortunately with my own mother.

 

To give some background, I am currently 30, living away from home and I am happily engaged to be married in September. I live with my fiance and we make a good team but through the entire wedding planning process, I have heard my own mother object to many, if not all facets of my upcoming wedding. She is not paying for the wedding, but is only paying for the rehearsal dinner.

 

To explain my issue I feel that I need to provide some examples of her behavior in the past 6 months or so. It started around Christmas when my fiance and I went out to spend the holidays with my folks. All seemed well until we left and my mother didn't talk to me for a few days afterward. I ended up calling and she was upset about my beard (She doesn't like it and I was trying something new) she said my hair was long as well. I had explained to her that this wasn't really all that worth getting upset over and that I had gotten a haircut and a shave but it blew up into a massive temper tantrum and she refused to return my calls for nearly 3-4 weeks. I finally got her to start talking, however she continued to be very short with me. Fast forward some months and there are still times where she is disinterested with me, what is going on in my life, and generally finds ways to cut the call short. Other times she is perfectly normal. I have tried to ask what is going on but she refuses to explain herself.

 

She doesn't like the fact that my fiance and I are not getting married near where they live. We chose to do a destination wedding (in the mountains of PA). We currently live in NJ and my family lives in Western PA. We chose the venue because it was a cheaper option than NJ had to offer us. We also love the venue and got it for a great price.

 

She doesn't like the fact that she has to travel to NJ for the bridal shower... she even mentioned that she will come because it will look bad if she doesn't

 

She has told me that many people on our side of the family will not travel to the wedding. I have told her that I am ok with this because I am happy to getting married to the person that I love.

 

When I told her that we were planning on a honeymoon to Hawaii she freaked out on me and told me that "A trip like the one you are taking is not something that you deserve, it is something that you earn" (We have been saving for over a year for the trip)

 

She made a huge stink about the rehearsal dinner. Without going into a million details, my fiance and I both explained to her that the cost of the rehearsal dinner per head was almost that of what we were paying for guests at the wedding and that she was getting ripped off. She responded with that notion that she had no other options because of the location of our wedding, as if it was somehow our fault.

 

She insinuated that she would be leaving certain guests (who were a part of the wedding) off of the invite list to the rehearsal dinner because she doesn't want to pay for them.

 

The bridal shower is next weekend and she is adamant that my future mother in law not pick her up at the hotel and that I drive her over instead.... and I am also supposed to drive my fiance to the venue as well. When questioning her more about it, I told her that my mother in law said it would be nice for my mother and her to set up and my mother's response was a flat out ... no because "I don't know those people" (They have all met before).

 

We offered to have her stay with us when she is out here and that was also a no. She says our house is too small and she doesn't like the fact that we adopted a pitbull.

 

As for my bachelor party, she is attempting to have that limited as well. I have my brother as the best man and one groomsman... and the groomsman isn't allowed on the guest list. My fiance felt bad and is apparently working on a second bachelor party for me. I told the both of them that I don't even care if I have one at all because it is not important to me.

 

We got yelled at for sending out invites two weeks early. We did so because everyone is traveling and will likely need a hotel if they are staying.

 

We got yelled at because the bridesmaid's sent out invitations to the females on my side of the family after my mother told us that they wouldn't come... It was a miscommunication and she said she was extremely disrespected... even though it's not up to her.

 

It was like pulling teeth to get addresses for invitations and I was told to leave some important friends of mine off the invite list because SHE didn't want them to attend. (I didn't listen)

 

I am sure that there is more but I can't think of all the times that she has bashed my wedding, the planning of the wedding, and any detail that she didn't like.

 

Now mind you, I had a plan to propose in the spring of last year, and my mother was the one to tell me that if I was ready I should do it then... and I did. She has met my fiance and my fiance's parents and they all got along. They are good, hard working, religious people, and in my opinion, I made an excellent choice in picking my spouse. She is a saint. I honestly have no clue where this is all coming from and how to stop it. It has gotten to the point that I have honestly debated rescinding the invitation. She is not a person that you can talk to about this sort of thing, because she will turn it back on you and make it your fault.

 

The best part... my fiance's parents and my parents where married on the same day of the same year. Our wedding day will be both of their 40th wedding anniversary. We asked permission for both sets of parents and they were fine with it. As a surprise, we are going to have cakes made for their anniversary after we do our first cut of the cake. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my wedding than with two couples that have made it 40 years together. With all of this, I don't even want to go through with the surprise. It has come to the point where I don't even want to talk to her about anything because she never has anything nice to say. It is heartbreaking and my fiance is convinced that my mother hates her. It is seriously ruining my relationship with my own mother and it is impacting me mentally and emotionally.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant.. any advice would be appreciated.

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I don't know what else to say but to distance yourself from her right now. I know it's hard because you need to either include her or inform her of your choices. But they are your choices.

 

Try not to let it take away from your special time.

How old is she and has she always been like this? Or something similar?

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Are you Italian? Or Jewish? Are you the first son to marry?

 

You mom is having a really, really hard time relinquishing her hold on her son. She is doing everything she can to try to control things because to her, this seems like it will keep you closer. I would guess that you have let her control you quite a bit up to this point? Are you a bit of a mama's boy?

 

Why is she involved in planning your bachelor party?

 

Have you tried setting boundaries with her?

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People who are controlling like that are the way they are because they are used to not having any consequences for their behavior. I'm thinking this isn't a new thing with your mother. She was probably controlling your entire life, but when you because an adult, you still played the part of the helpless child with her.

 

You're 30 years old, for crying out loud. What is your reaction typically when she carries on about your plans? Do you hang your head and indicate that you think she's right? Or do you assert yourself as an adult and tell her that if she doesn't like your wedding plans, she doesn't have to come? When she says she doesn't want to stay with her, why not just smile and say, "There's a great hotel down the road"? When she says you haven't earned a trip to Hawaii, you don't owe her any explanation of your finances. Just frown and say, Hmmmmm.

 

I think you're partly to blame for her treatment of you. Yes, she's a hot mess, but you need to start re-programming her for how to treat you and your future wife. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you find her criticisms unacceptable and insulting. Good luck.

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I have sons your age and one of them got married last year. I have to say if I did and said the things your mother did, my sons wouldn't be in my life. They'd love me, but from a distance.

 

Maybe you should tell her how you are feeling. Create some rules and boundaries in which you two may interact and be prepared to enforce them. Tell her that you love her, but you will require her to be respectful, as you will be with her. Tell her that her that you won't participate in the negativity anymore. My guess is she isn't like it. She'll distance herself, but she'll come around eventually.

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Congratulations! Sounds like a great idea all around and well planned. Enjoy. Well, mom has to bite the bullet. Let her pout. Can your father take the reins and talk her down to common sense? Does your mother have an issue with your fiance or your leaving the nest? All her behavior sounds passive-aggressive. Make sure you cover the topic of in-laws in your premarital counseling. Don't let this ruin your day or bleed into the future.

my fiance's parents and my parents where married on the same day of the same year. Our wedding day will be both of their 40th wedding anniversary. We asked permission for both sets of parents and they were fine with it. As a surprise, we are going to have cakes made for their anniversary after we do our first cut of the cake.
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Hey I didnt disagree with LH Girl! Dont lump everyone together!

 

Now to the OP, your mother is a control freak and she needs to be put in her place, politely. Who does she think she is to try to control the guest list of your bachelor party? Do what you want, dont discuss it with her. Invite who you want to invite.

 

I suggest you stop telling mother anything she doesnt actually need to know. It'd be great to tell her all the details and she'd be happy for you but she isnt. She's got no business dictating her wishes on your wedding. Be sure to not ask her for money for anything!

 

This is all about boundaries and your mother will be busy telling you what to do and how to do it with every big event in your life if you dont establish boundaries.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, if it was me I'd probably elope to a foreign country and not tell her til I got back.

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"Dont lump everyone together!"

 

This is exactly what I was trying NOT to do! Different cultures have different tendencies!

 

Exactly. And nobody said anything about race. If you think Italian and Jewish mothers don't have unique mothering traits, you've never lived in the North.

 

No need to be a social justice warrior here. I haven't seen any examples of people here being intolerant of other people's ethnic or racial origins.

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DeeJMonster: Your mother isn't in control so she is having hard time being decent with you and the choices you've made for your wedding. You need to have firm boundaries with her that you won't let her cross. A simple "Mom, I love you but we have decided that this is what we want to do" and then change the subject. I also have an inkling that you have been letting her cross your personal boundaries for a long time (forever?) and now that you're not letting her control, she's finding it hard to adjust.

 

Don't give in, keep strong and refrain from telling her anymore details regarding your plans if you can.

 

Have a wonderful day, don't let her get to you.

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I think the rant about the location and beard is because mom thinks that the fiancee is trying to change you. I do recall your threads about meeting your fiance or being single and it wasn't that long ago. Does she feel you rushed into this?

 

The bridal shower is next weekend and she is adamant that my future mother in law not pick her up at the hotel and that I drive her over instead.... and I am also supposed to drive my fiance to the venue as well. When questioning her more about it, I told her that my mother in law said it would be nice for my mother and her to set up and my mother's response was a flat out ... no because "I don't know those people" (They have all met before).

 

Honestly, i AGREE with her here, she should not be forced to spend time with your future mother in law like that - it should be on her terms and in her time. If she is traveling from afar to come to the shower, she should be picked up by you or if you have a sister. The mother in law to be is the last person who should pick her up. Honestly, in my family, the mother and the bride or sister of the bride would want to drive with the bride to be as one of the last times they will be doing that before she is a misses. Let your fiancee go with her mom, or you and your fiancee pick up YOUR mom. She has come from out of town to attend this and should be given deference in this case, as she is coming from out of town. Don't make her feel like a second class guest. Before your wedding, this is the last time mom will be the #1 in your life - and then it becomes your bride's role. So treat her with a little more respect than having your fiancee's mom pick her up. Act like you give a darn that she is there.

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Your mother can't argue with you if you won't play.

 

You've set up a dynamic where Mom's approval is the currency in a power struggle. You set her up by consulting her, and she's smart enough to recognize that when she avoids spending her currency by giving it to you, she wins. You reward her with more attention by arguing with her, trying even harder for the 'win,' and she's not going to budge, so you keep losing even more.

 

Whenever you avoid setting Mom up for this game, she can set you up instead. She'll just poke her nose into any aspect of your life that you seem to be enjoying, and she'll pop a hole in it just to get you started. And you take the bait every time.

 

She's not controlling you, you're forking over your control to her. She thrives on playing the role of your adversary, and you fall for it and play along, forever seeking a different outcome.

 

Skip that. What do you think would happen if you allowed Mom's comments to drop like one hand clapping? Stop consulting her, stop arguing with her, roll out your plans, and allow Mom to learn of them on a need-to-know basis. When you adopt the discretion that comes with maturity, you'll enjOy the liberation of adulthood that discards the old role of a needy child.

 

Head high, stop catering, and you will thank yourself very soon.

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I do love the use of "catering" in Catfeeder's comment because you let her control the catering aspects of the rehearsal dinner, among others and now, yes, also are catering to her.

I agree with Catfeeder and understand you made your bed in a way. In the way Catfeeder suggested and in many instances when someone chooses to celebrate a wedding with a variety of parties and events there are bound to be stresses/clashes/conflict. It is one reason that, having planned a wedding that did not happen (not because of planning issues) I knew I was not interested in any kind of large party to celebrate our marriage let alone a rehearsal dinner/bachelorette party/shower, etc.

 

So if you want to keep all these plans this type of stuff often comes with the territory. I would thank your parents for offering to do the rehearsal dinner and tell them that you and your fiancee decided not to have one after all. You don't have to have one. I've been to a few and also been in weddings where there was no rehearsal dinner. Your guests will find a place to grab dinner before the wedding.

And I agree to approach your mom as Catfeeder suggested if you decide to go forward with the reception and events to celebrate your wedding vows. Congratulations! I loved my wedding and hope yours is a blast and special and all of that good stuff.

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All seemed well until we left and my mother didn't talk to me for a few days afterward. I ended up calling and she was upset about my beard (She doesn't like it and I was trying something new) she said my hair was long as well. I had explained to her that this wasn't really all that worth getting upset over and that I had gotten a haircut and a shave but it blew up into a massive temper tantrum and she refused to return my calls for nearly 3-4 weeks. I finally got her to start talking, however she continued to be very short with me. Fast forward some months and there are still times where she is disinterested with me, what is going on in my life, and generally finds ways to cut the call short. Other times she is perfectly normal. I have tried to ask what is going on but she refuses to explain herself.

 

I feel your pain. My mom is similar. Everybody is expected to be a mind reader.

 

The whole silent-treatment thing reminds me of when I moved into my first apartment: My mom didn't speak to me for days afterwards, apparently because I wasn't interested in her opinion of my kitchen table! Of course, I don't really know for sure because she never really explains herself--I should somehow just know why she is angry.

 

It's a lot to deal with when your parent is so childish and inconsistent.

 

Could it be that your mom's behavior is triggered by the anxiety she feels about your wedding? I'm not saying that she feels negatively about it, just that general anxiety could be triggering her. My mom is a very social person and loves spending time with her family and friends. But she's always been triggered by special occasions and holidays. She acted like a lunatic. As a kid, I avoided having birthday parties because I just didn't want to deal with her sh*t.

 

How does your dad react to all of this? A lot of times people like my mom and your mom are "protected" by codependents. For example, I can't really talk to my mom in front of my sister because my sister tries to censor me. It makes everything worse, of course.

 

Are you familiar with borderline personality disorder? You may find this video interesting. I did:

 

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Thank you all for your advice. I will admit that in the past that I have been a bit of a mamma's boy but in the past several years I have attempted to make myself as independent as possible. I used to call her everyday until I saw that it because a bit much in terms of what was really being perceived. At this point, I want to be respected as an adult. I am capable of making my own decisions and have often times tried to include her in my decisions because I think internally, I wanted to seek her approval but at the same time, hear a different perspective. It has gotten to the point where everything I do is not correct unless it is "her" way and have definitely taken a step back from consulting with her on my plans. I do think that she is very controlling and manipulative in a lot of what she says and I don't want that in my life. I have tried taking back the reigns from her with no success. Any time that I stick up for myself or respectfully disagree I am met with an argument about how I am being disrespectful towards her (as if having an opinion is disrespectful). She has her own plans in life, she wants me to move to be closer but that is not feasibly possible. I like the distance because I fear what it would be like if I was closer and under her control. She won't say it, but she resents me for it but I feel no guilt in doing what I have to do to live a healthy life. She is not happy that is not getting what she wants so she tries to control what she can. There have been many instances where my parents have been scheduled to come out to see us and they have cancelled at the last minute each time. She has even stated that we will always have to travel to them because she is not willing to drive to us. This is her way of controlling what she has control over. Up until this past weekend, my father has been a co-signer on my bank accounts and she has actively monitored my bank accounts even though she will say that this is not true. I owed my dad about $20k for college which I would transfer to him through my bank accounts. I finally paid him off and cancelled those accounts so she can no longer monitor what I am doing. It is all manipulative and controlling. To answer another question, my father and brother always side with her. I can't talk to them about it. She rules the family like a matriarchy.

 

On Saturday, I called her in regards to the bridal shower next weekend. I was supposed to pick her up on Saturday and bring her out to NJ. She told me that her knee was bothering her and that she will no longer be coming. I predicted that this would happen but I still can't believe that she is actually doing this. My fiance and I are very upset with her. She has done this so many times in the past that it is truly hard for me to believe her anymore. I am also predicting that she will talk my brother into cancelling my bachelor party in a few months because she has control over him too (and he is older than I am). It is all because she wants me to move our entire lives closer to her so that she can be closer. She doesn't understand the financial impacts that we will take because of it and I do not want to live closer. I am happy where I am at now. Since she can no longer hold anything else over me, she holds our own family over my head. Since I won't move closer and do what she thinks is best, she will slowly cut ties with me in the hopes that I will eventually cave into what she wants for our family. All I want is to get out, but I am trying to do everything in my power to not cut them out completely because she will make it look like I was the bad guy the entire time. She did the same thing to her own family when she got married. I don't even know who my own uncles/aunts/and grandparents are because she broke ties with them. It is history repeating itself all over again, only with me.

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You have great insight into this and it's good you're standing your ground, marrying the woman you love and moving away. Unfortunately your mother seems to be acting out in theses petty ways taking it out on everyone/your fiance because she she is broken and wants the attention. She's losing control of you and that irritates her. This wedding and asking her participation/cooperation is a way for her to attempt to try to control things by manufacturing this chaos and the guilt trips. Keep your eye on the ball. Just proceed and let her fall on her own weight.

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To answer another question, my father and brother always side with her. I can't talk to them about it.

 

I can really sympathize. It sucks.

 

All I want is to get out, but I am trying to do everything in my power to not cut them out completely because she will make it look like I was the bad guy the entire time.

 

Plus, you know, they're family. I mean, at least for my part, I actually love my mom and sister and wish there was a way that I didn't have to minimize them in my life. I wish they didn't unite to form Superjerk whenever they got together.

 

But I digress..... Point is, I find myself in a similar place, though circumstances are different.

 

I wish you luck. It's a real pain in the ass.

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