Her intentions and how to move forward

[BranLWS93]

My ex and I broke up two months ago. It ended amicably and maturely, with her pulling the trigger. She said she felt something was off and she felt I was more in love with her than she was with me. She said I did nothing wrong, and that because I treated her so well, the decision was so hard for her. Anyways, we went no contact for at least a full month, when she actually contacted me first seeing how I was. I treaded carefully and regarded this as breadcrumbs but over the past three weeks, our texting increased and we were having fun text conversations together. She seemed genuinely happy to hear from me and kept conversation flowing.

Last week, I asked if she wanted to catch up over a drink and she initially said yes. However, after several attempts to schedule, she finally told me she thinks its too soon for us to see one another. I told her ok and that I'd respect her space. I'm not going to pursue this any further, because I'm not willing to be her texting buddy but not have a genuine relationship either. Its all or nothing. It sucked though because our contact gave me hope for reconciliation.

I personally think she just missed hearing from me and that's why she engaged and initiate texting. Do you think she used the "too soon" answer as a way to let me down easy and she really doesn't want to see me or is she truly struggling with this breakup like me and thinks seeing me will set her back? I know the answer really doesn't matter, but I'm just curious for another persons perspective.

Even though its been two months, its still been so hard to move on since everything reminds me of her. Movies, songs, restaurants we ate at, inside jokes etc. all bring back the hurt and pain. I'm hoping indefinite no contact will help heal faster

[loyal]

I think that initially it sounded like a good idea to her, but she ultimately gave it more thought and doesn't want to lead you on. She is trying to let you down easy and, truth be told, she is probably making sure that she keeps herself in check as well.
You are making the right decision in not being her texting buddy. Adults don't need penpals. The best you can do is wish each other well and move forward. It's hard, but it sounds like you have a good handle on things!

[Andrina]

She's just not that into you. Nothing's going to change that. From what she said, there's nothing to fix. Unfortunately, she likes the ego boost that you are a fan of hers, and it feels good for her to talk to you. But then the uh, oh moment happened when you asked to get together. She likes the distance of her fan, excited to speak to her. But she doesn't want the drama of a meet up when you will probably broach the subject of getting back together.

Yes, you need to totally go no contact. The right woman will be so crazy about you, she'll silently thank the dumb one who let you go.

[bluecastle]

What the others are saying, basically.

Look, everyone flails after a breakup. Everyone. No one knows exactly how they feel and what they want, because only in rare exceptions—years of abuse, massive infidelity, the most toxic of toxic situations—is the choice to end something a clear one.

You're flailing, she's flailing. Different variations of the same these. When people are flailing there is no ability to even have intentions, so to try to figure out someone intentions is just irrelevant. Some people treat the flail by eating ice cream, some people get drunk for a month, some people have loads of random sex, some people get into Eastern religion, and, yes, some people text their exes—zoom out just a bit and all that is the same. It's flailing.

You sound awesome. You both do, really. I'm sorry for your pain. Been there. It really sucks. Probably, right now, there is a part of both of you that would love the same thing: for some bolt of lightening to strike where—presto—you're back together and functional. But alas: the functional part. It's not there. If it was there, you wouldn't be here. She knows this, and believes is more strongly than you do.

She lost sight of that belief for a moment—she's lonely, hurting, confused, flailing—and she reached for the phone instead of for the ice cream. Happens. Doesn't make her a witch, but doesn't make her anything to keep investing in, as you know. So take a breath, feel whatever you need to feel, whatever this little round has triggered, and keep soldiering on along the path of acceptance.

You may have hoped for reconciliation, but, in the end, she has shown you that she is not the person you want to reconcile with, because you don't want it to be like this, feel like this. The thing you want right now is on the horizon. She's likely just a different person, with a different name, who you'll meet once you process this and let go.

[MissCanuck]

I think what she really means is that it is too soon for you to meet each other, because she knows you have feelings that she doesn't share. You don't see her as just a friend yet, which is perfectly understandable.

I don't feel she is struggling with the break-up, though. Not for the same reasons you are. She might be a little lonely without a constant companion and might genuinely miss your company but not in a romantic sense.

Or, she might not be totally single and doesn't feel right about meeting up with an ex, but doesn't know how to break the news to you.

[smackie9]

She's ready to have a friendship, and you are still in love with her. Sounds like she was exactly right about you....you are more into her than she is you. After you pushed for drinks, she realized you still wanted to pursue a relationship, when she was just trying to be friends. She's backed off...probably for good.....and so should you.

[BranLWS93]

Thanks everyone for your comments. Part of the struggle is all my previous breakups have had a legit reason. Both times in fact were due to long distance. Of course that was hard, but I at least understood the logic of it. With my recent ex, everything as far as compatibility was perfect on paper and I feel we had great chemistry. We truly always had fun together and just clicked from the beginning. Its hard to see how we went from Point A to Point B so quickly, without a second chance coming. I'd hoped some time away was all we needed, but she seems quite sure of herself this can't work. The death of hope is the hardest part.

[MissCanuck]

Thanks everyone for your comments. Part of the struggle is all my previous breakups have had a legit reason. Both times in fact were due to long distance. Of course that was hard, but I at least understood the logic of it. With my recent ex, everything as far as compatibility was perfect on paper and I feel we had great chemistry.

This break-up was for a legit reason too, for her. Ending something because you just don't have deep enough feelings is perfectly valid, even if it isn't as palatable for the dumpee to process.

You also made a key point - you felt you had great chemistry. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, she didn't share that feeling. She might not have let on that something was off, or perhaps did try to make an effort because she felt it was worth a shot, but the break-up indicates she wasn't feeling the same things you were. It stings, I know, when we realize the "click" wasn't so mutual after all.

How long were you together?

[BranLWS93]

We were together for 8 months.

I didn't mean to imply her reasoning wasn't legitimate. I know it was a hard decision for her because she was extremely emotional when we first spoke after the breakup and I know we both care for each other. I guess I meant I've had a harder time processing it then my other breakups. As you wrote, it was a shock to hear that my impression of our relationship was different than hers.