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Thread: 16 years together and married for 10... now I'm confused, angry and jealous.

  1. #21
    Stack I am sorry you are in this horrible position I can feel your pain

    This IS an affair! It is already physical and she is going to take it all the way!
    I am glad you hired a PI and have a better idea of the probable truth. Checking her computer and dairy is what you had to do. Do not let anyone tell you different. She lost her right to privacy when she started cheating. Yes EA is cheating and she is fondling men at work that is PA just not PIV!

    Now you must protect yourself and her.

    Do you have access to her cell phone? You must!
    Check cell records on your account
    Can you start showing up at her job? Maybe for lunch or dinner after work
    You will not be able to let her go out with coworkers without you, that will suck but if you what to save this marriage you will have to stop the cheating
    Put a VAR in her car now! If she is making plans you need to know.

    You are on the right track to gather evidence. She is not going to admit anything without proof.

    DO not confront her without evidence but NEVER NEVER give up your sources.

    She must quit this job until she does the affair will continue. You will have to hope she isn't in the broom closet with the OM, she might not write that down.

    I wish she was talking to you about her fantasies have you confronted her about the porn she uses?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What are these abbreviations? PA? PIV? 👽🛸

    Stalking, harassing, abusing, controlling and treating her like a criminal under surveillance is the not going to help. In fact only a paranoid control freak would do that. Many abusers do the things you recommend. He doesn't want a divorce and he has evidence a private investigator provided to either get marriage therapy or file for divorce.

    Why waste time and money on nonsense surveillance? It would be hilarious listening to the GPS instructions or radio on the voice activated recorder in a car. Are you advertising/selling these services or equipment? Do you sell ankle monitors too?🤑 Those are known to improve any marital problems.
    Originally Posted by Organic2003
    is PA just not PIV!

    Do you have access to her cell phone? You must!

    Can you start showing up at her job?

    You will not be able to let her go out with coworkers without you

    Put a VAR in her car now!

    She must quit this job until she does the affair will continue.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Organic2003
    Stack I am sorry you are in this horrible position I can feel your pain

    This IS an affair! It is already physical and she is going to take it all the way!
    I am glad you hired a PI and have a better idea of the probable truth. Checking her computer and dairy is what you had to do. Do not let anyone tell you different. She lost her right to privacy when she started cheating. Yes EA is cheating and she is fondling men at work that is PA just not PIV!

    Now you must protect yourself and her.

    Do you have access to her cell phone? You must!
    Check cell records on your account
    Can you start showing up at her job? Maybe for lunch or dinner after work
    You will not be able to let her go out with coworkers without you, that will suck but if you what to save this marriage you will have to stop the cheating
    Put a VAR in her car now! If she is making plans you need to know.

    You are on the right track to gather evidence. She is not going to admit anything without proof.

    DO not confront her without evidence but NEVER NEVER give up your sources.

    She must quit this job until she does the affair will continue. You will have to hope she isn't in the broom closet with the OM, she might not write that down.

    I wish she was talking to you about her fantasies have you confronted her about the porn she uses?
    If you have to resort to any of these secret police tactics, the marriage is already over.

    Do you think the two of you will think back fondly on any of this 20 years from now? "Honey, remember the time you put a listening device in my car and physically escorted me out of my workplace so I couldn't fondle my coworkers? I'm sure glad you did that, it saved our marriage!!!!!!1111"

    I do know a couple that came back from a very threatening affair (she was sleeping with her boss), but the husband didn't resort to any of these tactics. He simply stated his case; he wanted to stay married to her but couldn't if she continued the affair. Her choice. She chose to end the affair and they've been married over 30 years. But, none of this spying silliness.

  4. #24
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    In gonna take a different approach here.

    There's nothing wrong with you spying. You smelled smoke (or bullsh1t) and protected yourself by looking into it.

    The fact that you found evidence of her cheating on you (that's what she is doing) and the fact that she's being dishonest and disrespectful justified what you did.

    What was the alternative? Put your head in the sand? Let her carry on like a..... You know??

    Eff all that.

    Id tell her you know what she's up to and demand a fix... Not sure what that would entail but you can't carry on this way.

    I also wouldn't tell her how I knew unless she makes a full effort to fix things.

  5.  

  6. #25

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    First and foremost, my heart goes out to you. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.

    I wish I had words to say that would grant you a moments reprieve from the emotional rollercoaster you must be on, but unfortunately I don't. All I can do is sympathize and tell you please believe it will get better in time and once the dust settles you're going to be okay.

    I have mixed feelings about what's going on, honestly. I agree that spying on your significant other isn't something good, and yes two wrongs don't make a right, but I also can't necessarily say I agree with just allowing someone to lie to you like she clearly was. I've left myself at the mercy of a dishonest partner before and when the walls came crashing down I suffered for it. I'm still working through PTRD after discovering the final truth. So I would say hiring the P.I. was a reaction to your gut instinct telling you something was wrong. It's a natural instinct to protect yourself, but it also speaks volumes for this relationship.

    If your wife was truly loving and right for you, would you really have to rely on your instincts to self-protect?

    Self-protection.

    Your wife should be protecting your heart since she's the one you gave it to. She's got two small children at home with you. This is just not okay by any stretch of imagination and the fact she's shut down and refuses to talk about it could mean that she's so far gone into this fantasy that she doesn't want to stop and think about all the wrong she's done by chasing it this far. No one can give you that answer aside from her, unfortunately, but if I had to venture to guess I would say it's an aversion to directly address the issue at hand because she realizes what's at stake. A have your cake and eat it too moment.

    This is blatant disrespect for you, your marriage, and your children. If not for yourself, I would think of your kids. In your own words, tell her that she has two choices: Come clean and tell you what's going on or continue this game and lose both you and the children. Here's the key though, you need to mean it. If you don't, then please don't say anything because she won't ever take you serious and that tiny amount of respect she does have will drown. You need to be 100% willing and ready to pack up yourself and the kids, and get out of the house if she refuses.

    It's going to hurt, a lot, but she needs to realize you won't tolerate it. You won't sit on the sidelines while she plays games to play second choice. You and your children should be her 1st priority, not some sexual endeavor. We all have sexual fantasies, but we're adults so we curb them and put our priorities ahead. We're not slaves to biological impulses, so she has no excuses here.

    I wish you all the luck and hope she comes to her senses rather than forces your hand to do the hard work.

  7. #26
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    These are fantasy thoughts. Talk to her and offer her IC. If she won’t talk or seek IC then divorce
    She will then when it hits home the ramifications of her refusals to talk or seek assistance.
    Good luck

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