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Thread: 16 years together and married for 10... now I'm confused, angry and jealous.

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by loyal
    She obviously thinks that she is infallible. Is she the controller of the relationship?

    You need to decide if you want to tell her that you have proof of these things. She will definitely feel like you have been sneaking around, but you will also force her to be truthful. It just depends on whether or not you think your relationship can withstand that...
    I am actually embarrassed that I was forced to read her dairies.... but I felt I needed to know the truth. I have always considered myself the head of the household.... 12 years active duty military, D personality. I wanted other opinions before I acted upon the evidence, I have gathered and what was found in the diaries is enough for a divorce... just worried about our kids...

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Was it an open relationship, since you were away a lot? Did you adopt a don't ask don't tell policy while away on active duty? Many couples struggle with that and choose to find sexual release and company while apart. If divorce is not an option ask her to go to marital therapy with you. The prison guard/investigator approach is pointless if you are not filing for divorce. You need to rebuild trust and a connection if you want to stay together. Being draconian and staying together will just devolve into utter chaos and damage your kids. Even if you divorce you'll need to co-parent and therefore need to have some sort of cooperative rapport for the sake of your kids.

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Was it an open relationship, since you were away a lot? Did you adopt a don't ask don't tell policy while away on active duty? Many couples struggle with that and choose to find sexual release and company while apart. If divorce is not an option ask her to go to marital therapy with you. The prison guard/investigator approach is pointless if you are not filing for divorce. You need to rebuild trust and a connection if you want to stay together. Being draconian and staying together will just devolve into utter chaos and damage your kids. Even if you divorce you'll need to co-parent and therefore need to have some sort of cooperative rapport for the sake of your kids.
    No not at all I ETS in February of 2002, and we have never had an open relationship itís not my thing. We have been living together since early 2004. She has worked overnight since 2007 and I work 8-5.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to confront her with this. Why play games? You both know whats going on and she denies the indiscretions and you deny you know about it. Lying to each other is not going to help this. Use facts and objective observations, not subjective "talking in your sleep" debatable nonsense or the nature of her pornography browsing nonsense, since both are irrelevant. .. It will be a ruckus and bring things to a head by revealing the PI tapes, but what choice do you have?
    Originally Posted by stackingjp
    I didn't tell her I have the videos taken by the PI... I know the truth.

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  6. #15
    Member Richard11's Avatar
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    I guess you need a divorce.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I would recommend counseling.......you have multiple issues here.....you both have porn addiction and her love level for you might be low - you need to find out how to bring it back up.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by stackingjp
    I wanted other opinions before I acted upon the evidence, I have gathered and what was found in the diaries is enough for a divorce... just worried about our kids...
    Is this the choice, then? I tried to offer a pragmatic approach to a sh*tshowóor, to put it in terms maybe relatable, a battle plan with as little collateral damage as possible.

    The same goes for divorce.

    Whatever choice you make, this really is about being a titan of a man, which means being a father first, not a jealous husband spinning into a void.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What are your thoughts? What should I do?
    Since you were already clear about what you'd find as you continued to snoop, what did you plan to do with that information?

  10. #19
    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    I would recommend counseling.......you have multiple issues here.....you both have porn addiction and her love level for you might be low - you need to find out how to bring it back up.
    Porn addiction... Where did that come from? I havenít watched any type of adult material since my wife was probably 7-8 months pregnant with our son and that was early 2010. I definitely donít think I have an addiction.

  11. #20
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Since you were already clear about what you'd find as you continued to snoop, what did you plan to do with that information?
    To be honest when I was searching I just wanted an answer and the more she would fight me the harder I would search. I think my flaw is I didnít ask questions or snoop.... I think I trusted her 100%. If I knew this before our wedding I would have definitely not have gotten married. I grew up in a household where my parents have been together for 51 years so divorce isnít a conversation I take lightly. There isnít a minute that goes by that I donít worry about the impact this will have on our kids, but for me if I donít have communication and trust it is impossible to stay in that kind of relationship. I think when I created the post I wanted reassurance but also wanted to know if others also thought my wife married the wrong race? Is it just a case of sexual curiosity or looking for attention?

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