My first love, my greatest pain.

“You’re my baby, always and forever❤️😍😍”.. Those words just echo in my mind and are like bullets to my heart. 11 months, short and sweet? No, it was bittersweet and I knew I held on for way too long.

We got together on 21st May 2018 and I would describe it as nothing short of a relationship that you only see in the movies, all my friends were in awe. They never thought such a beautiful relationship could happen. I wanted him and he wanted me, we had our first kiss together and planned out our entire future together and the future was as bright as one billion suns; but looking back, it was all a hallucination. A lie. We were going to have 2 children named Mark and Ana, we planned to fall asleep in each other’s arms in our own house watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S or Suits on Netflix. We were going to go to university together and get our apartment and travel all over Europe, my life was complete. I came home on days of school knowing that I was at my happiest in life and I was so excited for the future to come. I had my prom dress picked out and he told me that we would dance until the stars came up and we would sneak off in the night to his house to have the most amazing ending to a wonderful night. This was all I ever wanted and the feeling was so real, the luscious, blissful feeling of love just took me over completely. He told me he would make me his wife and we planned our honeymoon to Spain when we were old enough and the following December I gave him the key symbol in our relationship: promise rings. I was promised that one day he would exchange them for an engagement ring, everything was okay, everything was fine. We had that relationship where we would stay up talking to each other until 4am, he would call me just to hear my voice, he understood me and cared for me like nobody else did, we carved our name round a heart in a tree and held hands walking down forest trails. It was just us, I loved him with all my heart.

Then came 2019, and it was as if those rings were cursed. We had our first big fight at the end of January, just a few days after my birthday and it took us a few days to forgive each other about it but I thought everything was okay in the end. February came crawling in and then something just wasn’t right, something was absent. “What happened to the sweet love feeling?” I wondered to myself every night because as the days went on, I realised that he just stopped trying as much as he did. A race, he was sprinting at first and now, out of breath; he comes crawling and the finish line is in sight. For months I considered breaking up with him and on multiple occasions I tried to break up but it was for his own good and it wasn’t because I didn’t love him anymore, it was because he stopped caring, he stopped trying, he stopped loving me.

At the end of March, my worst nightmare came true. “All our friends are saying we won’t last much longer”, “It feels like we’re on a break”. My arms felt frozen and my head was spinning, I was too shocked to even shed a tear, I was lightheaded, was I going to black out? A billion thoughts bombarded my brain like the blitz. After sending paragraphs and paragraphs and essays and essays; I finally won him back. A sense of relief flooded over me but part of me was disappointed with myself, what was I scared of?

April came, and I was living in a constant fear of losing him but I wanted this, didn’t I? At this point we hadn’t gone out on a date in 4 months and I was beginning to accept that the guy I had fallen in love with had left, long, long ago. It was the afternoon of April 10th, I had had enough and I finally confronted him about his obvious lack of effort in the relationship. Then he texted me back, I expected him to say “I’m sorry, I’ve just been so busy because of exams but I love you”. No, there was no apology, no “I love you”. It was the text which made me arms and nose freeze, the text that sent me spiralling into panick and worry. “A relationship isn’t even what I need right now 😔”. Suddenly, all the cells in my body were jumping, it was like my soul was cheering me on to let go. My heart was beat up, used, it was broken already. I remembered that same day, I came home from school, sat on my bed and said “If he tries to break up with you, just accept it” and so I did exactly that. I wished him well for the future and I wished that he finds the one who he can dance with until the stars come up, I wished he could find someone that when he kisses them we gets the tingly love feeling in his chest, I wished he could find someone to star gaze with and spoon watching Friends or Suits on Netflix. “Goodbye, Jake 💔”. It was all over... with the press of a button, it was over.

The following months, I had been broken, shattered and no short of devastated. My one love was gone, the guy who I thought loved me was gone, suddenly I came to realise there would be no wedding, there would be no children named Mark or Ana, there would be no more dates at his house or mine, where he cradled me in his arms while giving me little baby pecks or kisses on my lips and forehead, there would be no honeymoon to Spain, no apartment, no future.

The following day I took the day off school, crying and crying and howling for help, for him to come back but I knew I didn’t want that.

Today is Wednesday, 3rd July 2019 at 3:06pm and I still feel shattered, my happiness and sadness comes in waves and although I’ve had good friends around to support me, most of them tell me “just get over it”. It was my first romantic/sexual relationship where I actually felt loved, protected and where I could see a future. I’m only 15, and I’m not like most other 15 year olds, I feel like a 25 year old in a teenagers body. I still feel wrecked, lost and confused. 3 weeks after we broke up, he got into another relationship and I realised how much I was used... I was nothing to him was I? Who ever thought that my first love would be my greatest pain...

If anyone has any advice on how I can accept this easier, I would very much so appreciate it.

Thank you.